What I Didn't Say

  My stomach clenched a bit at the mention of a party. Especially one that sounded a lot like the one that changed my entire life. And there were other things I had wanted to do that weekend, all of them involving Sam. But maybe this would be the perfect time to make something public.

  If there was anything to actually make public.

  Finally I nodded, letting them know I was up for it.

  “Awesome” Carter said as we pulled into the parking lot.

  “Think you could invite Jordan?” Rain asked as he hopped out of the car.

  I just gave a silent chuckle, shaking my head at Rain. Rain was every bit as much of a chicken as I had been about Sam.

  I’ll think about it, I wrote, flashing the page at him.

  “Thanks, man,” he said, punching me in the arm.

  The Market was insane during lunch hour, being flooded by the high school students. We all loaded up on chicken strips, Jojo’s, corn dogs, and burritos. I glanced around the store briefly when we got inside with dim hope that I might run into Sam. But she wasn’t there.

  I went back to school after lunch with a heavy weight in my stomach. School just seemed boring and dull without Sam around. I didn’t absorb a single word Mr. Crow said in Government, I nearly chopped my finger off in Woodshop, and I almost got Carter’s chest crushed in weight training when I was supposed to be spotting him. I just kept wondering where Sam was.

  Everything in me was afraid she was avoiding me.

  Maybe everything had been ruined.

  It hadn’t felt like anything had been ruined over the weekend though. Everything had felt like it was going great. But sometimes girls were complicated like that. You never could read them.

  My heart leapt into my throat as I walked out to my car after school. I saw Sam leaning against the driver’s door of the Bronco, her backpack resting at her feet.

  “Hey stranger,” she said with a small smile as I walked up to her. I smiled back, my chest doing weird things.

  Really hoping I was doing it correctly, I signed something like where were you?

  “Yeah,” she said, dragging the word out. “The owners of the house called someone out to work on the front deck. It was a lot of fun trying to get the motorhome out of there without being seen.”

  By then I had dug our red notebook out of my backpack.

  Crap, I wrote. Where’d you move it to?

  “There’s a small cabin just off of the road that goes out to Raccoon Point,” she said. She looked tired, her nerves strung out. I couldn’t imagine the stress that must have been her life. “It looks like the owner’s left a few weeks ago.”

  I wished I could have offered to let her put the motorhome in our backyard. But that would send up the red flag to my parents, and then social services would have to get involved. And then she’d be gone.

  Wish I would have known. I would have come and helped you.

  “Don’t think that would have been a good idea,” she said, though an appreciative smile spread on her face. “With as much school as you’ve missed this year. I’ve got a lot to catch up on what I missed just today. I told all my teachers my mom was sick today so I had to help her out.”

  I gave a sad smile. What happened to me was bad, but at least I didn’t have to lie out of necessity all the time.

  You want to come over to my place and work on homework? I wrote. Mom’s making enchiladas tonight.

  She laughed as she read it, throwing her arms around me. It felt like my entire body finally relaxed, relief flooding through me. Maybe everything hadn’t been ruined.

  “I’d love to,” she said. I was surprised when she looked at me again to see there were tears pooled in her eyes. My brow furrowed to ask her what was wrong? She just gave a cut off laugh, a few tears breaking free from her eyes. She wiped at them with the back of her hand. “It was just a stressful day, you know? I feel like I can’t ever relax, always afraid I’m going to get caught. And I can’t afford to miss school and let my grades slip.”

  I pulled Sam into my arms again, hugging her tightly. I could feel all the pain she was in, as if it clung to her like a heavy, itchy wool sweater. She relaxed in my arms, almost as if she was relieved to have me holding her together for just a few moments and not have to do it herself.

  I stepped away from her. Come on, I wrote. Let’s go.

  I set our backpacks in the back seat and we both climbed in. As soon as I started pulling out of the parking lot, Sam slid her hand into mine, our fingers intertwining. She squeezed my hand tightly, as if she were afraid if she let go, she’d crumble.

  19 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  It was amazing, how easily Sam fit in with my family. I’d brought her home with me and everyone went out of their way to say hi to her. And everything just felt so… normal. Sam talked with Jordan for a second, and then she and I went into my room and worked on homework. And we did actually work. There was no pressure in the air to have to do anything physical; it didn’t feel weird that we were in my room alone together.

  It felt like something we’d done a hundred times before.

  Just like she was a part of the family, Mom set a place for her at the dinner table and she ate with the lot of us.

  I took her home that night and kissed her good-bye just once. Her lips tasted like cherry.

  But something felt… off at school the next day. Sam was still friendly, she still smiled that smile she only smiled at me. We still sat next to each other during class. But she never did slip her hand into mine. She never came with me to The Market for lunch. She’d just quietly say she needed to do some homework in the library.

  Sam was just… distant.

  And I honestly wasn’t sure how to react. I felt like I was being whiplashed. Any time we were alone or at my house, she was the sweet girl who felt like my girlfriend, who held my hand and kissed me, and ran her fingers through my hair absentmindedly. But at school, she felt like nothing more than a really nice girl who was my friend.

  Considering what she was currently dealing with, I didn’t dare push her about it. She was already trying to balance so much in her life, I wasn’t going to make things worse. And I could make it through the agonizing school Sam for the intoxicating after-school Sam.

  She didn’t come over to my house on Tuesday and Thursday since Kali always came over on those days. He was already at the house when I arrived at home. He suggested a walk and together we set out down our road.

  The very-end-of-November chill bit at my skin, all the moisture in the air making it feel colder than it actually was. The last of the fall leaves barely clung to the non-evergreen trees, a prelude to their dead winter skeletal selves. The island felt different in the winter. Things slowed down, more so than normal island time. All the tourists left, all the snow bird residents went to warmer places. The people who stayed were true islanders, appreciating Orcas’ beauty even when it was dark sixteen hours of the day.

  Already as Kali and I walked down the road, at only quarter to four, it was starting to get dark through the overcast clouds above us. There was actually a chance of snow that night if it got cold enough.

  How was school today? Kali signed. I actually understood everything Kali’s hands said.

  Okay, I signed back. How was your day?

  Cold, he signed with a chuckle. The bike isn’t very warm in the winter.

  I chuckled too, watching Kali’s dark, smiling face. I couldn’t help but wonder at Kali whenever I was around him. I didn’t think I’d ever met a person who had so little, but was so happy at the same time. I had never heard him complain; never saw his face without the hints of a smile.

  Where do you live? I suddenly signed, not even thinking about what I was asking.

  Kali’s eyes grew sad for a moment, falling away from my hands and face. He was quiet for a long time and I realized he wasn’t going to answer.

  Tell me more about your sister, I signed, not really sure I even did half of it right.

  I must not have d
one too bad, cause Kali started talking about her non-stop.

  8 months ‘til graduation

  18 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  After dinner that night, I lagged behind in the kitchen with Mom, watching from the bar as she did dishes. I was only half seeing her, my eyes glazed over as I thought about the conversation I’d had with Kali earlier.

  “Something on your mind, sweetie?” Mom asked, her arms covered up to her elbows in bubbles as she washed a pan.

  I shrugged, and reached for one of the dozens of notebooks I left lying around the house.

  Just thinking about Kali, I wrote, holding it up for Mom to see.

  “Oh yeah?” she said, her eyes turning back to her work. “What about Kali?”

  I don’t think he has anywhere to live, I scribbled. I’m pretty sure he sleeps in a tent. I saw it in his bike trailer today as he left.

  Mom was quiet for a while, her eyes focusing on something outside the window above the sink.

  “It’s getting awfully cold out there these days,” she said, sounding far away.

  I’m worried about him, I wrote. I had to wait almost a full minute for Mom to look over and read what I had written.

  Slow-mo conversations.

  Mom’s eyes lingered on my words for a long time, like she was considering something very serious.

  Finally, when she still didn’t say anything, I clicked open my pen again.

  Our loft is pretty big.

  Mom’s eyes lingered on my words again, slowly going from them to my face, and back again. And then a small smile spread on her face as she rinsed the pan.

  “I’ll have to talk to your dad about it,” she said, drying her hands off and walking over to the bar. She rested her elbows on the countertop and placed her chin in her balled up fists. “But I think that’s a really good idea. Just until spring though.”

  I leaned across the counter and gave Mom an awkward hug, as best I could manage with a three-foot counter between us.

  “I’m really proud of you, Jake,” Mom said, squeezing me tightly. “You could have taken life so differently after everything you’ve been through. But you’re becoming a man. You amaze me every day.”

  Mom backed away from me slightly, looking me in the eye, a smile spreading on her face. I smiled back as she pressed a brief kiss to my forehead. “I’m going to go talk to your father,” she said quietly. Giving me one more brief smile, she turned and headed up to their bedroom.

  I had to admit to myself, having Kali live in our house would be weird. But how could I feel okay about myself, knowing there was someone out there that needed our help, and not try and offer it?

  18 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  3 days ‘til the party

  Per Rain’s request, I invited Jordan to the beach party on Saturday. She’d been reluctant at first, but I had a feeling most of that was because she remembered what the last school party had resulted in. But to my surprise, she agreed to it when she found out Rain was going to be there.

  It was easy to tell there wasn’t much to do on our little island that time of year. All anyone could talk about was the party on Saturday. Normally a chance of snow might kill plans for an outdoor party, but not on Orcas. It almost guaranteed that everyone would be there.

  So do you want to go to the party on Saturday? I wrote in our notebook during ASL.

  It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a party, Sam wrote back. I suddenly missed our letters back and forth in the back of the notebook. It had been a while since we’d written any. I was still trying not to push Sam.

  You should come, I said. It will be fun.

  From what I hear, everyone is sticking to their ‘no drinking’ pledges, she wrote. Should be semi-safe to go.

  So is that a yes?

  Sam’s eyes met mine, and finally, a small smile spread on her face. She nodded. I couldn’t help but smile back.

  Yet a hard ball settled into my stomach. Was I going to get the standoff-ish school Sam, or the after-school Sam that I loved?

  Well, Kali is all moved in. We sectioned off a small part of the loft by moving the entertainment center out from the wall, and then shifted some other stuff around too so there’s this little space back there for Kali to sleep and put some of his stuff. Kali isn’t around too much, mostly just comes back to sleep and sometimes he stays for dinner. Then he helps Mom and Dad out whenever he can.

  It’s kind of weird, but it feels good to be helping out someone who needs it. Guess it took Mom and Dad quite a while to convince him to move in.

  The other day Kali asked me what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to do after high school. The answer had always been pretty simple before. I was going into the Air Force. I was going to be a pilot and serve my country.

  I don’t really know now. It would be easy to get pissed off at the universe for changing my plans, but what good is that going to do me?

  Maybe I’ll do something with computers, that doesn’t require much talking. Or maybe I’ll work with animals. They won’t mind or think I’m broken. I really have no idea. Guess I should start thinking about that. I am a senior, people expect you to start having an answer to the future question.

  I’d like to say Sam’s going to be in my future, but honestly I just can’t see that far. I’m just hoping Sam is in my three month future, or even just the two week future. Lately it feels like everything with Sam is a big question mark.

  I shouldn’t complain. At least she’s with me now. I think.

  Guess that’s the problem though. I don’t know.

  The day of the party

  18 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  I picked Sam up at four on Saturday. The new house she was at wasn’t as nice as the last one. Out of fear of a replay of what happened at the last house, she’d set up the motorhome a ways away from the house, running a long hose and extension cord into the trees where she was hidden away. It would make it easier if she had to make a last minute escape again.

  Sam looked tired when I picked her up. Of course she looked tired all the time those days.

  We drove out toward Olga in silence, as seemed usual for us when we were in the car. But I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It felt like things had come to a stop, as if the two of us weren’t going to go beyond pecks and a few scattered hand holds at my house and occasionally at hers. I had been pretending that it would be enough for me, that I could live with it, as long as Sam was part of my life in some way.

  But I had to admit to myself that I wanted more.

  The feeling of dead weight inside of me kept growing heavier and heavier as we made our way down the slow, winding roads. I was suddenly dreading the party, even dreading spending time with Sam. I just wanted to hunker down in my room and blast my ear buds too loud.

  There were only a few places to park at the beach so it was pretty obvious we were only the second group to show up. I saw Blake and two girls, one of them Norah, stacking wood on the beach to start the fire as I put the car into park. Despite all their public fights, Norah and Blake were still together.

  Sam and I both sat there, just staring out the window at nothing. It felt like there was a big suffocating cloud filling the car that wouldn’t dissipate until one of us said something.

  “Just say it, Jake,” Sam finally said, keeping her eyes glued forward.

  I felt everything seize up inside of me, dread filling every corner of my body. But I had to get it out, or it was going to kill me.

  Grabbing our notebook from the back seat, I clicked a pen open.

  What’s going on with us, Sam? I wrote. I tried to not let my hands shake, whether from frustration, anger, or fear, I wasn’t sure. What are we? I underlined the last sentence.

  Samantha’s eyes stayed glued to the page for a long time, her jaw clenched tight. I could feel the defensiveness building up in her.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say, Jake,” she said, turning her eyes forward again. “I like you,
I like being with you. But you know how I feel about… about that L word. So don’t expect me to proclaim my undying love for you. I’ve got a lot to deal with these days and I’m sorry if I’m not paying enough attention to you or fawning all over you all day, every day.”

  It would have been better if Samantha had raised her voice, if she had started getting mad. But she didn’t. She kept her voice calm and even, just a little too quiet.

  She clenched her jaw once more, her gloved hands balling into fists. Suddenly, without saying anything more, she climbed out of the car and shut the door behind her.

  Great.

  As if things hadn’t been bad and weird enough, I had just made them worse.

  Seeing another half dozen cars pull up, I climbed out. Rain, River, and Jordan pulled up in one car. Carter and seven other people climbed out of his car. Within about two minutes, pretty much the entire school piled out of various vehicles and flooded down toward the beach.

  I hung back by the Bronco as I watched them go. I suddenly envied them. Their lives seemed so uncomplicated. The biggest worry for most of them that day had probably been what to wear, or thinking of tactics to dodge snowballs. I had a girlfriend, well, maybe-girlfriend, who was homeless and three words I wanted to say more than anything, but the person I wanted to say them to wouldn’t let me. And I literally couldn’t say those three words.

  Finally, as the sky started to grow dark, shadows dancing on the sand, I made my way down to the party. Trying to pretend like I wasn’t really looking, I noticed Sam seated on a large log, talking with Summer and Marina.

  It was stupid that I felt almost betrayed that she was talking to her old friends. I didn’t want to be the jealous type of guy. I should have been glad she was socializing.

  Carter found me before too long, Rain having successfully engaged my sister in conversation. Carter was moping too, River more into talking to some girl named Ashley than him. I felt kind of bad for him. It would seem fairer to tell him he wasn’t her “type” rather than to let him suffer. The guy needed to move on. But I had promised River I’d keep her secret.