What I Didn't Say

  A smile started forming on Sam’s face, so slow I didn’t even realize it was there for a while. There was a look that formed in her eyes that I’d never seen before. It was the look of wanting something, and not wanting to fight against wanting that something.

  My entire body seemed to jump to life as she crossed the tiny kitchen toward me. Her hand came to the back of my neck, her skin feeling like ice against mine. But I didn’t care one little bit.

  Sam’s other hand pushed my coat the rest of the way off my shoulders as our lips met. As my coat dropped to the floor with a wet slop, Sam’s lips became more urgent, her lips parting. Her lips tasted like cotton candy today.

  Electricity ran through my blood as Sam’s hands slid down to the hem of my shirt. Very slowly, she raised the soaking fabric, making goosebumps flash across my skin as she lifted it up and over my head, our lips parting for just a brief moment as it came off.

  It scared me that I hadn’t even noticed my hands slipping under Sam’s shirt until I’d lifted it over her head. I didn’t want to think that I could lose control like that, but I didn’t want to stop. Apparently, neither did Sam. She’d slipped out of her wet jeans before I could even let my eyes trail to what she was wearing beneath those wet things.

  The world never seemed more real or bright as it did when I saw Sam standing there in next to nothing. The dark blue fabric clung to her skin in ways that made my head spin and my breath catch in my chest.

  My eyes met hers and I saw another thing there that I’d never seen before. Being with Sam was all about dancing around walls and searching for invisible doors. But in that moment, there were no walls up, there were just her chocolate brown eyes, watching to see what I thought of her.

  I held her eyes as my hand rose to her cheek. Her skin was cool against mine. I hoped she could see how beautiful I thought she was in that moment. It was painful that I couldn’t make the words form, my chest actually ached from holding them in. But I saw the softness in her eyes, and knew that she knew I loved her, even if she wouldn’t let me say the words.

  “Come warm up with me,” she breathed, her lips brushing against mine as she spoke against my skin. Reaching down, she unbuttoned the top button of my pants. It didn’t take me longer than a second to slip out of them. Hooking her index finger into the waistband of my boxers, she pulled me toward the bathroom with her. Turning the hot water on, she pulled me in after her.

  The water burned my skin but I didn’t even notice as my eyes ran over Sam again, wearing nothing but a bra and panties. Sam bit her lower lip, looking at me from under those perfect dark lashes.

  We stayed in that shower until the hot water ran out, our lips locked together, our hands exploring each other’s skin. Sam held all the important stuff back, but just barely. I felt light headed and my knees weak by the time Sam let out a half giggle, half scream as the water poured over us, ice cold.

  We both stumbled out of the shower, wrapping ourselves in towels. We tumbled into her bed, burying ourselves into the blankets and pillows. We lay facing each other, our noses only a half inch apart.

  “This has been the best day I’ve had in a really long time,” Sam said, a happy, lazy smile on her face. “It feels nice to just be… me. Just be me with you.”

  I smiled, pressing my lips to hers briefly. The excitement of the day was settling down, leaving my body feeling heavy and sluggish.

  Sam’s eyes drifted down, resting on my throat. She studied the scars there, the gaping hole that was never going to go away. Her warm fingers rose to touch the skin there.

  “You’ve been amazing to me, Jake,” she said quietly, her eyes still on my scars. She was quiet for a second. Finally, her eyes met mine again. “Thank you.”

  I clumsily made the sign for your welcome. The words of I love you wanted to break free from my lips so bad in that moment. But they stayed trapped in my throat, safe, where they wouldn’t ruin anything.

  8 hours since falling asleep

  15 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  The sound of my phone vibrating pulled me from dreams of flying. I searched for my clock, wondering who was calling me in the middle of the night. But nothing looked familiar. My clock wasn’t where it was supposed to be. These blankets weren’t familiar.

  The sound of someone else sleeping next to me in the bed sure wasn’t familiar.

  Crap.

  Stumbling through the dark, I scrambled to pick up my phone before the call went to my voicemail. My stomach sank into my knees when I saw it was 3:12 AM and it was Mom calling.

  Ending the call, I set to texting Mom. I’m soooo sorry. Fell asleep at Sam’s. Heading home now.

  I checked my phone after I hit send. Mom had called four times, Dad had called twice, and Jordan had called once. There were two voicemail’s from Mom, one of them yelling and seething for me to come home immediately, the other worried sick, saying if I didn’t come home soon she was sending the police to look for me in a ditch.

  Realizing I was still more naked then clothed, I frantically set to pulling on my still damp things. My stomach felt sick as I searched around for my keys. I was so busted.

  I went back into Sam’s room, leaning over the bed and pressing a kiss to her forehead. Through the dim light I saw her eyelashes flutter open. She looked confused for just a second, and then a smile spread over her face.

  For a second I considered just letting Mom call the cops. Going home was the last thing I wanted to do.

  “Oh no,” Sam said, her face growing serious, almost as fast as she had smiled. “You’re probably in a ton of trouble, huh?”

  I nodded, giving her a lopsided smile that said it was worth it. I kissed her lips, lingering briefly. She muttered good-bye and I slipped out the door.

  The snow had started to melt on the roads by afternoon, but when the temperatures dropped back to freezing that night, it just made all the melted snow on the roads turn to ice. I slipped and slid on the road the entire drive. As I drove past the airport, I saw an older blue car half sitting in the ditch. After slowing down to make sure there wasn’t anyone still in it, I continued on my way home.

  But the crappy drive home was nothing compared to what I knew was waiting for me when I walked through the front door.

  Pulling into the driveway, I saw that the light was on in the living room. They were waiting for me.

  It felt like my heart was trying to hammer its way out of my chest as I walked up the sidewalk. I pushed the door open. Mom sat in an overstuffed chair in the corner, her arms folded over her chest. Dad paced the floor, rubbing a hand over his chin. He froze when I closed the door behind me with a small click.

  We all just stood there for a silent second. Glancing at the clock on the wall, I saw it was 3:38.

  I was so dead.

  “You know you’re grounded, right?” Mom said, her voice tight. I saw her hands shaking just slightly where they were pinned against her body with her arms.

  I just nodded.

  “You know you just about gave me a stroke, worrying that I’d get a call that you’d been found in a ditch again, right?”

  I glanced at Dad, nodding my head. I wasn’t sure if I wanted Dad to say anything or not. He just stared at me with blank eyes.

  “I thought I was going to go crazy,” Mom said, her voice and body relaxing slightly. “I called Rain’s parents, I called Principal Hill. I tried calling Samantha’s house but their number is unlisted.”

  My stomach instantly tightened. Samantha just didn’t have a house for anyone to call.

  Mom squeezed her eyes closed, taking a deep breath. I could almost see her plotting out my punishment behind her eyelids.

  “Okay,” she said, letting her eyes slowly slide open. “You’re grounded for a week. That means no Samantha, Jake,” she said, her eyes growing serious. I wanted to protest, yet I knew I deserved it. “Do I have to give you an actual curfew?”

  I shook my head. Mom had never given any of us kids an official curfew, it was just t
he unspoken rule that nights like this never happen.

  “Okay,” Mom said, her eyes suddenly growing tired.

  I glanced over at Dad. I was surprised his expression wasn’t harder than it was. “Go get some sleep,” he said, nodding in the direction of my bedroom.

  As I walked back toward my room, the teenager in me wanted to protest, to defend myself. It’s not like I’d done anything really bad. I’d just fallen asleep, that’s why I’d gotten home so late. And yet I knew they had every right to be worried. Considering my past, I was surprised they hadn’t already called the cops.

  As I stripped out of my wet clothes, turned out the lights, and climbed into bed, my tongue ran over my lips. Cotton candy.

  Yeah, I was in serious trouble.

  But it had been worth it.

  11 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  6 months ‘til graduation

  I scoured the beach for hours, more than one beach actually. By the end of the day on Thursday, I was exhausted and frozen, but I had a handful of blue and green sea glass. With Mom’s help I fashioned it into a bracelet. Mom even let me see Sam for all of five minutes on Christmas Day to give it to her.

  Sam had gotten me these incredibly cool vintage pilot’s goggles she’d found at The Exchange, which was kind of like a never-ending, open-air garage sale. It was like what a flea market would be like if the world came to an end. You would be hard pressed to find places like The Exchange anywhere but on Orcas.

  Mom stuck to the grounding. Five minutes was all I got with Sam for a week. She’d even sent Rain and Carter away when they showed up the day after Christmas.

  But by New Years I was forgiven and un-grounded, and Sam spent the entire night at our house, sleeping in Jordan’s room when we all finally went to bed. I couldn’t have been happier, having my whole family there, all seven kids, Kali, and the girl I loved. It was the best New Year’s ever.

  School started back up and things went about as usual. But when you live on a weird, little island like Orcas, things can’t really stay normal for long.

  The second to last week of January was predicted to be the coldest weather we’d had in nine years. Even though the island didn’t get any snow, which also meant school would not be canceled, we got wicked winds from our too-close neighbor, Canada.

  The second day of the storm, the entire island lost power.

  It happened during Woods class, just after the bell had rung to start the period. As soon as it went out, a cheer could be heard throughout the entire school. No power meant we all got to go home.

  After we were dismissed, we all filed out into the halls and I immediately began searching for Samantha. Finally, I found her heading for her locker, her eyes wide, her expression something like a mix of worry and fear.

  You okay? I wrote and flashed to her as I joined at her side.

  “The power’s out,” she said quietly as she pulled open her locker in the dim light.

  I nodded in agreement, resting my back against the locker next to hers.

  “I wonder how long it’s going to be out for,” she said as she grabbed a few books from her locker and slid them into her messenger bag.

  I just shrugged. Want a ride home? I wrote.

  Sam just nodded absentmindedly and twisted one of her rings around her finger.

  She didn’t say much as I drove her back to the motorhome. The car wiggled and shook on the road as the wicked northern winds tore into us. When I finally parked at Sam’s place, we both ran inside, pulling our hoods up to keep the icy cold out.

  I felt like an idiot as soon as we got inside.

  The power being out meant Sam’s space heaters wouldn’t work.

  It was already ice cold inside.

  Crap.

  Sam hesitated in the kitchen, wrapping her arms around herself, her teeth already starting to chatter. Her eyes met mine and I could see she didn’t know what to do.

  So I did the only thing there was to do.

  Telling her to pack clothes to last a few days, I then went outside and shut off the hose that lead from the cabin to the motorhome. It took me a bit to figure out how to drain the water from the hose and the trailer, but I was fairly confident her pipes weren’t going to freeze and break during the cold weather.

  Ten minutes later, we were back in the car, the heat blasting.

  “Jake,” Sam said. “There’s no way your mom’s going to let me stay. Not now that we’re together. New Year’s was one thing. She’ll probably suspect something fishy is going on.”

  She doesn’t have to know you’re spending the night, I quickly wrote when we got to a stop sign.

  “I hate lying to your mom,” Sam said. “It’s a lot harder to lie to people you like.”

  I glanced over at Sam. She looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders again. She twisted one of her rings round and round. I considered that maybe I should tell Mom and Dad about what had happened to Sam. Maybe they’d understand and not tell social services. Maybe they’d let her move in with us until she turned eighteen.

  But something within me suspected that wasn’t what would really happen. This was one of those big situations that even when you felt you knew what the right thing to do was, the state would disagree. And I didn’t want to put them into that difficult situation.

  The two of us walked into the house together, leaving Sam’s bag of stuff in the car. It felt like walking into a furnace.

  When Dad built the house he had put in an enormous wood burning stove in the living room. The pipe ran up into the vaulted ceiling which opened up into the loft and the hallway upstairs.

  We wouldn’t be getting cold with that thing.

  “Sam!” Joshua said excitedly as soon as we walked inside. He ran over and put his arms around her. “Mom’s making hot chocolate on the fireplace! You want some? She put real chocolate chips in it too!”

  Sam chuckled, ruffling Joshua’s hair. “I’d love some.”

  “Mom!” Joshua yelled as he started for the kitchen. “Sam wants some hot chocolate too!”

  Sam chuckled as she looked back at me. She had one of those gleams in her eyes, like she knew where she belonged.

  Mom invited Sam to stay for dinner, as I knew she would, and the entire family, Sam, and Kali spent the rest of the day doing homework by candle light and playing board games at the kitchen table.

  I slipped a note to Sam under the table during the family’s third round of Uno at Joshua’s request.

  My window’s the second on the end. No screen in it. I’ll head to bed as soon as you leave and let you back in.

  Sam stealthily read it under the table. She glanced at me, her eyes nervous and unsure. I just reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze.

  As if she’d been planning it the whole night, at exactly ten, Mom said it was time for everyone to go to bed. Sam took that as her cue to leave, lying and saying a friend was coming to pick her up.

  See you soon, I mouthed to Sam as I pretended to say good-bye to her at the front door. She gave me a sly smile and pretended to walk down the driveway.

  As soon as I closed the door, I said good-night to everyone, took two seconds to brush my teeth, and headed straight for my room. Lighting a candle and setting it on my dresser, I then crawled onto the bed and as quietly as I could, slid the window open.

  Sam stood hidden in the shadows, already shivering, holding her bag of things. I waved her over and helped her climb through.

  “What if we get caught?” she whispered, looking at the door like it might burst open at any second.

  I took Sam’s bag from her and set it at the foot of the bed. A smile spreading on my face, I pulled her into my arms. Our bodies melted together, like they were made for each other. All the worry and fear disappeared from Sam’s face as she looked up at me. I loved it when she smiled the Jake smile.

  I love you, I said in my head for the millionth time.

  There was something perfect and sweet about the way Sam’s body folded in
to mine. We both slid into the sheets after we’d gotten ready for bed. She’d laid her head on my chest, every inch of her body tucking into me. I rested my chin on the top of her head, wrapping my arms around her.

  “How’d I get so lucky to have you?” she whispered against my chest. “You always take care of me.”

  I pressed my lips into her hair, squeezing her tighter.

  I’m the lucky one.

  17 hours since the power went out

  11 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  “Oh my gosh!” someone suddenly yelled. I jerked awake to see Mom shielding her eyes and stepping back out the door. Sam suddenly sprang awake as well, her eyes wide and terrified.

  “Jake!” Mom was trying really hard to keep her voice under control. “What is Samantha doing in your bed?”

  “Oh shi…” Sam said, climbing out of the bed. I blinked my eyes hard, trying to clear the sleep from my head. “Mrs. Hayes, I’m so sorry,” Sam started hurriedly explaining. “My Mom’s out of town again, and the power’s out, and we don’t have a wood stove at our house. It was really cold and I was scared to be home by myself last night. I’m so, so sorry.”

  I wanted to butt in and blurt out an explanation too, but well, I couldn’t… So I just grabbed the nearest notebook and pen.

  SORRY! I wrote in big letters, underlining them. I flipped the page. I didn’t want her to freeze to death!

  Mom just shook her head, clenching her jaw tightly. I could see the wheels turning in her head, debating whether to be the good Samaritan or kick Sam out right then and there.

  “Breakfast is ready,” she finally said. Without anything else, she turned and walked out the door, closing it behind her.

  Sam looked back at me, almost in slow motion. Her eyes were comically wide, her face flushed completely red. I instantly burst out into a silent laugh.

  “Jake Hayes!” she nearly yelled at me. “This so isn’t funny!”

  Which only made me laugh all the harder.