What I Didn't Say

  Surprise, I signed. Slowly, very slowly, I was getting better at sign language. It felt a little pointless at times though. It only did me any good if the person I was signing to actually understood sign language, and that wasn’t anyone outside my family, Kali, or Samantha.

  “I don’t usually like surprises,” she said with a sly smile, taking my hand into hers. “But I’ll make an exception for you.”

  I pressed a kiss to her temple, a smile spreading on her face. The Jake smile.

  Sam laid her head on my shoulder, snuggling into my side. She launched into stories about her mom. About how she always made cinnamon rolls Christmas morning. About how they went to Disneyland once when she was eight, just the two of them. They’d saved for months to afford to go. The two of them really had been best friends. They were all each other had.

  I didn’t think I’d ever admired anyone as much as I did Sam. A lot of people wouldn’t be able to go on living life after losing their only family like that. A lot of people probably would have given up. They would have just gone back to their dad and lived a crappy life until they turned eighteen. Instead Sam was taking charge, living the life she had always planned to live.

  There was so much more I wished I could do for her, more than just get a few bucks to take her shopping. But I had to take things one step at a time. I’d do what I could do.

  We just needed to keep her secret hidden for another eight weeks, and then we wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

  The closest mall from the ferry landing was about a half an hour away. The Burlington Mall wasn’t exactly big, but it would do. Sam gave me a cautious look as we pulled in.

  “Jake,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t have any money to go shopping.”

  Grabbing the notebook, I wrote, My treat.

  “Jake,” she said with a pained sounding sigh. “I can’t just let you go around buying me things. It’s not your job to take care of me.”

  But I like taking care of you.

  She kept looking at me, her eyes serious and sad. Finally I saw them soften. A smile spreading on my face, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers.

  I kept watching Samantha’s face as we slowly made our way through the stores. She considered everything so carefully, like she knew whatever she got that day had to last her for who knew how long. She’d run her fingers over the fabric, seeming to appreciate how crisp and new everything was.

  It made me sad to see her like that. She was just one step above what homeless Kali was. Yet I knew this was one of those experiences for me that made you grow as a person. This was one of those times that made you put things in perspective and appreciate everything you had.

  Hand in hand, the two of us walked between the stores. We passed a poster of a mostly naked woman hugging herself. A sly smile spreading on her face, Sam pulled me into the store.

  It was like a giant pink monster had barfed in the store and someone decided it was a good place to set up shop. I couldn’t walk anywhere without bumping into a rack of bras that didn’t require real boobs to go in them, or bins full of panties that were more like kite strings than things to call underwear.

  Sam browsed slowly, gawking at the high price tags. When she came upon a silky sea green set, I knew I couldn’t protest against the dollar amount.

  Try it on, I wrote, blushing as I did. I wasn’t quite sure we were in a place in our relationship that we could talk about this kind of thing. I had seen her in next to nothing, but it wasn’t like we’d ever had sex.

  That smile crossed her face again as she considered it. The sexy Sam smile. Grabbing the matching bra and panties, we made our way toward the back of the store to where the dressing rooms were.

  I was about to wait outside when one of the workers spotted Sam about to walk in by herself.

  “You’re welcome to go in the changing rooms as well, if you want,” she said, as innocently as if she was telling me it might rain that afternoon.

  I kind of did this choking, silent laugh, covering my mouth and the awkward, cheesy smile that spread there. Sam stopped when the woman spoke, the sexy Sam smile spreading again. I could feel my face burning red when she took two steps back toward me. She grabbed the front of my shirt, bunching it in her hand, and pulled me into the dressing room.

  “Guess if you’re buying it’s got to have your approval,” she said as she raised one eyebrow and shut the door behind us.

  It felt like my face was on fire as I sat down on the little bench. It was a huge dressing room. It must have accommodated two people often.

  Turning her back to me, Sam slid her jacket off, followed by her long sleeved t-shirt. She half glanced back at me as she reached back and popped the snap on her faded pink bra.

  One of my knees started bouncing up and down by itself. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Sam’s curves, not that she had many left those days. I wanted to trace my fingers down her spine but kept them securely pinned between my knees.

  After getting the new bra snapped, Sam looked over her shoulder. “You’re going to have to close your eyes for this next part.”

  I thought I was going to die right then and there when I realized Sam was going to be about eighteen inches away from me with no pants and no panties on.

  “So,” she said a few moments later. “What do you think?”

  Slowly, I let my eyes slide open, my heart seeming to skip a beat. Sam stood facing me, in all her barely clothed glory. The shade of green against her skin seemed to make her glow. I bit my lower lip to keep my tongue from falling out of my mouth.

  “Guess that means you like it?” she said, that new smile spreading on her face.

  I could only nod, reaching for her hips to guide her in my direction. She kneeled on the bench, a leg on either side of mine. My lips found their way to her throat, my entire body feeling alive and free.

  Sam’s fingers knotted in my hair as she tipped her head back, letting me continue to explore all that glorious skin of hers.

  Somehow we made it out of that changing stall with our virginity intact, but with me walking pretty uncomfortably. I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering back to that image of Sam, an image that would be gloriously engraved into my memory forever.

  “I feel so spoiled,” Sam said as we headed back out to the car just as the sky started to darken. “I don’t think I’ve gotten new clothes since the beginning of last school year.”

  I pressed a kiss to her cheek, hoping the message of you deserve it got through.

  My phone vibrated as we headed back to Anacortes to catch the six o’clock ferry back. Very illegally, I pulled it out and checked the text message. It was from Norah.

  You hanging out with that girlfriend of yours tomorrow? Or would you like to come over and have some real fun at my party?

  I just shook my head as I put the phone away.

  Wow…

  I’d never met someone who didn’t get what no meant more than her. Norah didn’t seem to care one bit that I had a girlfriend.

  The water was pretty choppy as the ferry carried us back to Orcas Island. Sam and I just stayed in the car, the both of us lying on the backseat, enjoying the feel of the waves beneath a few hundred thousand tons of steel. Our notebook rested on the floor below us, another page mysteriously ripped out.

  We seemed to have fallen into the habit of being quiet whenever we drove somewhere. It was easier. It was pretty impossible for me to write anything while I drove, and for some reason signing with Sam felt too… impersonal. So we drove silently back to the motorhome.

  “Look at all this,” Sam chuckled as I parked next to the motorhome and popped the back hatch to get her things.

  You’ll have to model a few things for me, I wrote on the back of my hand, our notebook still sitting in the back seat of the car.

  She raised one eyebrow at me again, the sexy Sam smile spreading. “Well then, come on in.”

  My entire body jumped to life again as I followed her inside.

 
This was a dangerous road we were on tonight. I could feel things escalating and I wasn’t sure where I wanted to or where I should draw the line.

  “So what shall I try on first?” Sam asked as I closed the door behind us and set the bags on her cluttered tiny table.

  Peeking into the bags we had just brought inside, I reached for three items.

  “Interesting choice, Mr. Hayes,” she said, taking them from me and walking back into her bedroom.

  I pulled my coat off and threw it onto the back of the dining table chair. Checking my breath by breathing into my hand, I waited excited and nervous for Sam to make a reappearance.

  Finally Sam opened the door again, standing with her arms braced in the doorway. She wore that sexy green number again, and a pair of dark wash jeans. And nothing else.

  A growl almost… almost made its way out of my throat as I crossed the space between us. Hoisting her up, Sam wrapped her legs around my waist, my lips instantly meeting the skin at the base of her throat.

  She gave a squealing giggle as we tumbled into her messy bed, her legs still wrapped around my waist. My lips moved to meet hers, our lips parting.

  One of my hands slipped from the back of her neck, down her side, sliding down her hip all the way to her ankle. I was pretty sure I might die if something else didn’t happen pretty fast.

  “Jake,” Sam said in a sigh that nearly sent me over the edge.

  Sam, I internally moaned back.

  Her lips moved with mine, an urgency behind them that had never been there before. It seemed there was no other possible way for the night to end other than the way I wanted it to.

  “Jake,” she sighed again. “I wish I could hear you say my name. Just once.”

  My entire body froze instantly.

  It felt like my blood turned to ice.

  I jerked away from her, propping myself up on my palms, looking down at her. I felt empty for a second as I processed her words again.

  Something inside of me turned hard. Sam’s face looked confused at my reaction at first, and then the realization of what she had just said filled her expression with horror.

  “Jake,” she said, her eyes wide. I pushed myself off of the bed and walked out of her room. “Jake, wait! I’m sorry!”

  I grabbed my coat and furiously yanked it on.

  “Jake! I’m sorry,” she said as she followed me out, grabbing for my arm to pull me back. I yanked my hand away from her. “I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying!”

  I turned my eyes on her just once, everything inside of me feeling cold and hard. Her face looked horrified, her eyes wide and sad. I only shook my head once and stepped outside, slamming the door behind me.

  Just before I peeled out of her driveway, Samantha stuck her head outside, screaming “I’m sorry!” again before she fell away behind me into the trees.

  14 hours since Sam said the worst possible thing…

  8 weeks ‘til her birthday

  I heard a knock on my bedroom door late Sunday morning. I lay on my bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Everything in me felt hollow and sick. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone, but I couldn’t tell that to whoever was at the door.

  “Jake?” Jordan said as she poked her head in. “Can I come in?”

  I just shrugged as my eyes went back to the ceiling.

  Jordan must have taken that as an invitation to come in. She closed the door quietly behind her and crossed the room. Stealing one of my pillows, she placed it at the foot of the bed and we lay head to toe, just like we always used to do when we were kids, protecting each other from the monsters in the dark.

  “Rain asked me to prom,” she said as she started picking at a hangnail absentmindedly. “Even through prom isn’t until, what, like, May?”

  I raised my eyebrows at her. Oh yeah?

  Jordan nodded her head. “I’m pretty sure he likes me.”

  You like him? I pointed at her, my eyes questioning.

  Jordan gave a little shrug. “I guess. He’s definitely hot, and it’s cool that a senior asked me out. I don’t know. I guess I just always thought of him as your dorky jock friend.”

  By the uncomfortable look on Jordan’s face I knew there was something she wasn’t telling me. So I lay there patiently, my eyes on her face, waiting for her to spill.

  “’K, it’s kind of weird how clear your body language is these days,” Jordan laughed, giving me this look like I had turned into a psychic goat or something. I couldn’t help but smile, my chest doing one of those silent laughs.

  “Fine,” she said with a sigh. “I guess… I guess I kind of blame him for what happened to you. If he and Carter hadn’t been with you, driving drunk, and probably high, you would still be able to talk.”

  My stomach churned as the whole crappy situation was brought up, and for the second time in the last twenty-four hours, someone was reminding me that I couldn’t talk.

  Looking over at the nightstand, I grabbed a notebook and a pen.

  It was really stupid, and none of us should have been drinking. But it was mostly my fault. I was going to tell Samantha I loved her. Guess the booze made me grow a pair.

  “Wow,” Jordan said, her eyes surprised and sad. “Really?”

  I just nodded.

  I felt the back of my eyes sting. What was going to happen now? I wanted to believe I was big enough to forgive Sam for saying what she had. But that had hurt more than the actual accident had, because I could never do what she had wished for.

  “Are you and Sam okay?” Jordan asked, her voice becoming small and quiet. “She’s called the house a bunch of times. She seemed really worried. She said to tell you that she’s sorry.”

  Feeling a little bit of moisture pool in my eyes, I turned them to the ceiling. I could only give a little shrug and a tiny shake of my head.

  I heard Jordan shift on the bed and a second later she lifted my arm and snuggled up into my side. I felt a tear slip down my cheek.

  What’s wrong with me? I thought.

  Jordan didn’t try and say anything comforting, and I was grateful for that. I didn’t want to cry any more than I already had and I didn’t think I would be able to stop the tears if she had said anything. Instead she just laid there with me until we both fell asleep.

  No matter what, Jordan always had my back.

  2 days since the fight with Sam

  7 weeks ‘til her birthday

  I didn’t want to go to school on Monday, but Mom gave me no choice. She said she had too much to get done that morning and that I had to take Jordan, Jamie, James, and Joshua to school. So we all loaded into the Bronco and headed for school.

  As soon as I dropped everyone off, I made a bee-line for Calculus, hoping and praying that I could avoid Samantha until I had to see her in second period.

  Thankfully I was successful.

  “Hi, Jake,” Norah said as she sat down next to me first period. I hardly dared glance over at her for fear of what I’d see, but amazingly today she wore a pair of jeans and some kind of thick knitted sweater. The only flesh I could see was that of her hands and face.

  I gave a little wave.

  “Are you coming to my birthday party tomorrow? I think the whole school’s coming,” she said, giving me an almost bored looking smile. Wow. Strange behavior. Norah the Whora was finally calming down.

  For some reason, I glanced toward the door. I caught a brief glance of Samantha, staring through the window of the door. As soon as our eyes met, I noticed hers were red. She held my eyes for just a second and then walked away.

  Sure, I wrote, feeling my insides harden. At your parents’ house?

  Norah’s face instantly brightened, her white teeth flashing in a brilliant smile. “Yeah? So glad you’re coming! Here’s the invitation,” she reached into her backpack, then handed me a piece of paper that was shimmery purple and smelled like a girl. “That’s good for one only, so don’t forget it.”

  What I read between the lines was Sam’s not invited.
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  I just gave a smile-less nod, and turned my attention to Ms. Sue as class started.

  1 hour since pushing the self-destruct button

  7 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  It was immature and stupid, I knew that, but I ended up skipping second, third, and forth period so I wouldn’t have to deal with Sam. I didn’t know what I was going to say and I wasn’t ready to forgive her just yet. So I drove into town and waited for Carter and Rain to show up at Island Market for lunch.

  “Okay, I heard you’re going to Norah’s eighteenth birthday party tomorrow,” Carter said as we sat down to eat our lunch. “I’m confused.”

  I’m going, I scribbled, dripping ketchup on the page as I shoved Jojos into my mouth with my left hand.

  “Have you forgotten that Norah hate’s Samantha?” Rain asked, chowing down on a burrito. “This could turn into an all-out war.”

  Sam’s not going.

  Carter and Rain both suddenly stopped chewing. They shared a look with each other before looking back at me.

  “Did you and Sam break up or something?” Carter asked.

  I gave a shrug and shoved more food into my mouth.

  “Dude, are you alright?” Carter asked. He actually set his food down. A true sign he was concerned.

  I don’t want to talk about it, I wrote, not meeting either of their eyes.

  Neither of them said anything for a second and they shared another one of those looks.

  “Well you know Norah’s going to go all skank on you at her party, right?” Rain said, resuming the devouring of his burrito. “She’s been eyeing you like you’re a diet pill ever since she and Blake broke up.”

  I just shrugged, taking a long swig of my drink. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.

  So you already asked my sister to prom? Change of subject.

  “Yeah,” Rain said with a chuckle. His face turned a little red. He had it bad for Jordan. “Guess you could say I jumped the gun a little. But she said yes!”