In The Dark

  Clearly I’m not thinking straight.

  “There’s free counseling offered on campus. I can take you there,” Gina offers. “Or if you don’t want to, that’s fine too. I just thought I’d make the suggestion.”

  “I’ll think about it.” I turn onto my side to face her, offering a tiny smile. “Thank you. For everything. You’ve been…incredibly understanding while I’ve been a crying, nonsensical mess.”

  “You’re welcome. I know I haven’t been around much but I consider you a friend. And I take care of my friends.” She reaches out to touch my leg, giving my calf a squeeze. “Don’t let him destroy you, Lucy. He’s not worth it.”

  My smile fades. She doesn’t get it. He is totally worth it. I’m the idiot who lied to him during our entire relationship. I have no one to blame but myself. He wasn’t mean, he wasn’t an asshole, he was the perfect guy. The perfect guy for me. I can’t hold it against him when he said he wasn’t ready for this. I’m not ready for this either.

  I just don’t have a choice.

  “You want to go grab something to eat? We can skip the mall.” She makes a face. “You’re the only girl I know who doesn’t like to shop.”

  “It’s really easy to hate shopping when you don’t have any money to shop with.” I sit up, my body aching, my head pounding. “Can I take a quick shower first?” Ack, I can’t remember the last time I took one, not that I want to say that to Gina. Might freak her out.

  “Of course. Go for it.” Gina leaps from the bed, a smile on her face. I think she’s excited because I’m actually getting out of bed and going to do something like a normal functioning human being.

  I grab a pair of undies and a bra from my dresser and then shuffle into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I stop short and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I look god-awful. My hair is complete chaos and I’m fairly certain I’ve started a couple of dreadlocks on the sides. I still have mascara smudges beneath my eyes and I haven’t put on makeup in days. When was the last time I washed my face?

  Not sure.

  I’m a wreck. All over a guy. I swore to myself I would never do this. I promised Mama I would be a good girl and not let a man dictate my feelings. And here I am, doing exactly that. She would be so disappointed in me.

  Sighing, I push the hair away from my face, tuck it behind my ears before I brush my teeth real quick. I start up the shower so the water can get warm and then sit on the toilet to take a pee. My underwear is around my knees and I stare at it in shock when I see the bright red splotch right in the center.

  My period.

  I started my period.

  A hysterical giggle escapes me and I clamp my hand over my mouth, muffling the sound. I have my period. There’s no baby, no unwanted pregnancy, no forever link to Gabe. I can cut ties with him for good now. It’s over. Truly over.

  The tears hit fast and furious and at first, I think they’re tears of relief. But I don’t feel relief. Just…sadness. Complete and utter sadness that I no longer have any ties to Gabe whatsoever.

  We’re truly officially over.

  Shep answers the door, his expression grim. “Glad you’re here.”

  I step inside the house when he holds the door open wider for me. “You’re the one who summoned me so ominously. Figured I better show up.”

  Closing the door, Shep turns to face me. “Tristan is in the kitchen, but Jade wants to talk to you first.”

  I frown, scratch the back of my neck. “Is she going to lecture me?” I know she’s pissed over what happened with Lucy. She’s on Lucy’s side and thinks I handled it badly.

  She might be right, but I handled it the only way I knew how.

  “No.” Shep shakes his head. “She has…information for you.”

  Dread sinks my gut. “Like what?” I ask cautiously.

  “She needs to be the one to tell you. She’s in our room.” He gives me a gentle shove toward the stairs. “Talk to her and then come down to the kitchen and talk to Tristan. You need to make peace with him, man. He feels like utter shit for what he said to you.”

  “He should.” I stare at the stairwell, almost afraid to go up there. What is Jade going to tell me? I have no clue but I’m sure it has something to do with Lucy. Is she okay? Has she been hurt? God, did she maybe…I don’t know, have an abortion? Lose the baby?

  My head is filled with nothing but negative thoughts. It’s been that way for days, since the night Lucy left my house. I’ve thought of nothing but her since. I went to our marketing class earlier this afternoon hoping against hope that she’d be there but of course, she wasn’t.

  The realization hit me straight in the gut. She can’t stand to see me. I know I should be the one who’s pissed off over what happened but I can’t help but feel guilty about all of this. I shouldn’t have reacted so harshly. Maybe she tried to tell me the truth when we were in Santa Barbara and I never gave her the chance. Just ran my mouth like the asshole I am and she went along with it.

  Maybe she’s embarrassed of her background and I’m such a privileged shit I didn’t understand how that feels. Because it’s true, I have no idea what it’s like to be poor and have nothing. No money, no help, just hard work and a constant struggle. I can’t wrap my head around that concept.

  But I do know what it’s like to have nothing after feeling like you had…everything. No amount of money can bring Lucy back into my life. You can’t buy love. You have to earn it.

  And I lost it.

  I head up the stairs and go to Shep’s bedroom, knocking lightly on the partially open door before I peek my head around it. Jade is sitting on the edge of her bed, scrolling through her phone, her head bent, long wavy red hair falling in front of her face. “Hey,” I say.

  She looks up, tucking her hair behind her ear as a small smile curls her lips. “Hey yourself. Come in.”

  Walking inside the room, I stop just in front of her and her smile fades. I need to keep it light. Else I’ll be all twisted up and nervous and I’m sick of feeling that what. “What’s with all the seriousness?”

  Jade stands, her gaze meeting mine. “It’s about Lucy.”

  All lightness seeps out of me. My heart is in my throat. I brace myself for the blow of bad news. God, maybe she’s left town for good. Maybe she’s so embarrassed and hates me so much she couldn’t stand to be here anymore. Or worse, maybe she can’t afford it considering she’s about to have a baby so she went back home.

  I can change that. I can give her whatever she needs. I have all the money in the world. And if she’s carrying my baby, I will ensure my child will never want for anything. Who cares what my parents will think. Fuck them.

  The most important person in my life is Lucy.

  “Is she okay?” I ask, my voice choked up, my head hurting. I’ve had a perpetual headache for days and I swear to God it just got ten times worse.

  “She’s fine.” She inhales deeply before she says, “She’s not pregnant.”

  I freeze, my heart now swimming in my stomach. I feel nauseous. “She’s not?”

  Jade slowly shakes her head but doesn’t say a word. And that sends my brain into overdrive.

  “Wh-what happened?” All the options flash through my brain and God, I hope she’s okay.

  “She started her period. She was just…late I guess.” Jade shrugs. “I thought you should know.”

  “Did she want me to know?” I ask eagerly, like an asshole. I need some sort of clue that she still cares, that she wanted me to know what’s going on.

  “No. She hasn’t mentioned you at all to me.” Jade frowns. “I’m sorry, Gabe. I think she’s trying to move on from this the only way she knows how.”

  “By forgetting I exist,” I say bitterly.

  “She thinks you’re doing the same thing,” Jade points out but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

  No, it just makes me feel worse.

  “Okay, well.” I blow out a harsh breath. Run a hand through my hair. I don’t know what to say, w
hat to do. I’ve fucked this all up and I can’t fix it. “I’m gonna head downstairs and apologize to Tristan.”

  “Let him apologize first,” Jade calls after me as I head toward the door.

  I stop and turn to look at her. “What?”

  “Let him apologize to you first. He’s the one who started it. He needs to learn humility. He reacts first and feels bad later. It’s a bad habit we need to help him break,” she explains.

  I smile and it’s genuine. I’ve been beating myself up over our fight but Jade’s right. Tristan did fucking start it like he always does, the jerk. “You’re right. I’ll let him grovel first, then I’ll apologize for what I did.”

  “Perfect.” She smiles and approaches me, wrapping her arms around my middle and giving me a hug. “I’m sorry Gabe. Maybe you could approach her eventually but I’d give her some time first. She’s hurting.”

  “So am I,” I whisper, squeezing her waist before I step away from her. “Thanks for letting me know what’s going on, Jade. I appreciate it.”

  “You deserved to know. Now go talk to Tristan and get it over with.” She shoves me toward the door. “Go.”

  I practically run down the stairs, stopping short in the kitchen when I see Tristan sitting at the counter looking miserable. “Hey,” I say.

  Shep quietly exits the kitchen as Tristan lifts his head to look at me. “I feel bad, bro.”

  “You should.” I approach the counter, bracing my hands on the edge of the smooth granite surface. “But I feel bad too. I shouldn’t have hit you.”

  “You had every right to hit me. I’m an asshole for what I did. I’m sure Lucy hates me.” Tristan hangs his head, looking miserable.

  “Lucy’s too busy hating me to worry about you,” I say as I sit on the stool beside Tristan’s. “I fucked up that relationship.”

  “I didn’t help matters. Is she okay? Like…with the baby?” he asks.

  “She’s not pregnant.” I should be happy. Relieved. I’m too young for a baby and so is Lucy.

  But I don’t feel happy. I’m…sad. Pissed that I ruined this. That I reacted like a scared idiot instead of the brave man that Lucy needed me to be.

  I failed her. And she’ll probably never forgive me.

  “Oh.” Tristan’s gaze meets mine once more. “That’s a good thing, right?”

  “Yeah. I’m not ready for a kid.” I sigh. Ain’t that the truth. I proved that with my reaction to all of this. “But I miss Lucy. We’re finished and I…I hate that.”

  “Are we finished? Business-wise?” When I frown at him he shrugs. “Shep told me what you said. I don’t blame you. I know you haven’t been happy with the casino for a while. It’s at your house so you have to deal with it all the time and business has gotten progressively slower. I get why you’re sick of it. And I totally understand why you’re sick of me.”

  I scrub a hand over my face, along my jaw. “I was angry when I said that. You’re right, business has gotten slower and I’m getting tired. Tired of running it, tired of dealing with it. But I’m not giving up on it yet. Not giving up on you either.”

  The relief on his face is clearly visible. “Thanks, man. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry too.” I offer my hand out to him and he takes it, giving me one of those macho, complicated handshakes us guys are so good at doing. “We’re good?”

  “Yeah, we’re good.” The devilish glint in Tristan’s gaze is familiar. “Let’s tell Shep we’re closing the casino. See if we can fuck with him for a bit.”

  I start to laugh, shaking my head. So typical. “Fine, but you do all the talking.”

  “Deal.” He grins and slaps me on the back and then bellows, “Shep!”

  Shep enters the kitchen and Tristan launches into our bogus plan, skepticism written all over Shep’s face the deeper Tristan’s story gets. I just sit there, going for solemn and lots of nodding, not saying a word. I play along but it’s not easy. I’d rather be with Lucy than with these guys. I want to talk about what happened between us. Ask for her forgiveness. Hopefully she’ll apologize too for the lies. If I can forgive her for that, hopefully she can forgive me. I want another chance.

  I need another chance.

  I need Lucy.

  I go to my marketing class because I don’t have a choice. Somehow I missed the point where I could still withdraw and have it count as only that. Now if I don’t go to class, I have the potential to flunk and there’s no way I could let that happen.

  My appointment with Professor Bailey turned out better than I expected. He actually listened to my brief excuse—I claimed illness—and nodded along as I rambled, making sympathetic noises like he understood. He let me make up my missing assignments but told me I couldn’t avoid the group project. And considering groups had already been chosen and their projects were well underway, he paired me with the other student who missed a lot of class and was making assignments up just like me.

  His name is Gabriel Walker.

  No way could I explain my relationship with Gabe to Professor Bailey so I just smiled and nodded and agreed that I would work with him. No problem. I could handle this.

  Sure.

  I sit in the back row during class, taking copious notes and praying like crazy I can work up the nerve to approach Gabe afterward and tell him we need to work on our project together. I don’t even know what our project is supposed to be. I haven’t looked at the description sheet Professor Bailey gave me because I didn’t want to freak myself out.

  After the numerous freak outs I’ve gone through these last few months, I think I’ve had just about enough.

  I confessed everything to Mama a few days ago. About Gabe, lying to him, falling in love with him, even the pregnancy scare. She burst into tears when I told her about the last part and I had to reassure her numerous times that I’m not pregnant. I think she finally believes me.

  Though truly, I’m not exactly sure.

  Gina and I have become closer. She’s not going to see Chad as much, giving him a little breathing room and herself too. Jade has become a good friend and I’m so thankful that she stayed loyal despite everything that happened between Gabe and I. She admitted telling him that I wasn’t pregnant after all and I was glad she did that.

  And sad he didn’t bother talking to me about it.

  I need to move on, though. It won’t be easy, dealing with him for the marketing project but what can I do? This will be a good test for my future. We all have to deal with things we don’t want to at some time or another in our lives. This is a part of life. So Gabe and I were involved for a short period of time. So what? I can deal with this. So can he. We’re mature adults who can remain friends.

  When Professor Bailey releases us, though, my stomach starts to churn with nerves. I stuff my tablet into my backpack and slowly rise to my feet, slinging the backpack over my shoulder as I watch everyone fight their way out of the room. I smile at a girl as she passes by, my gaze flicking from hers when I see him.

  He’s watching me.

  My knees wobble and I try my best to smile at him but my lips quiver so I stop. I wait for him to approach as he comes up the stairs, his gaze never leaving mine, his always smiling mouth somber, his entire expression solemn.

  Oh God, he hates me. I know it. And I can’t blame him. Maybe this won’t work out after all. I’m a liar. I broke his heart and he broke mine and there is no way we can play nice while trying to put a freaking project together. I’m delusional I just know it—

  “Hey Luce.” His deep, warm voice washes over me, making me weak and I release a shuddery sigh.

  “Hi.”

  He stops directly in front of me, scooting into the aisle so he’s not in the way of the other students leaving. “You look good.”

  I glance down at myself. I’m wearing yoga pants and a light gray hoodie I picked up at WalMart for super cheap. My hair is in a sloppy bun and I have mascara and lip gloss on, that’s it. I thought about dressing up for him but was afraid that would be t
oo obvious.

  So I went for the extra shabby chic look instead.

  “Thanks,” I finally say because how else can I reply? “You look good too.”

  And he so does. He’s wearing jeans and a black long sleeved T-shirt that molds perfectly to his chest and arms. His hair is even longer than the last time I saw him and he is just mouthwateringly delicious.

  I wonder if he’s moved on.

  I wonder if he’s found another girl to replace me.

  I frown. The thought is too depressing to contemplate.

  “So I don’t know if you realize this,” I start, uncomfortable with how closely he’s watching me. His gaze is on my mouth, making my lips tingle and I shift away from him, feeling silly. I’m totally overreacting. “But Professor Bailey wants us to work on our project together. Since I haven’t been to class much and you haven’t either I guess…”

  “Yeah, he told me.” He steps closer, the heat and scent from his body reaching out to me, making me feel all shivery inside. “You don’t mind working with me?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “You don’t mind working with me?”

  “Of course not.” Another step. He gets any closer and we’ll be touching. The room is empty save for Professor Bailey who’s down at the podium gathering up all of his materials. I really hope he’s not watching us. “I’ve missed you.”

  Oh. I didn’t expect that. Not at all. “You have?” I ask like a dork.

  He nods, takes another tiny step. I glance down, see that we’re literally toe to toe. What is he doing? My heart starts beating so hard I’m afraid he could see it moving beneath my sweatshirt. “Being away from you gave me time to think.”

  “About what?” I croak.

  “About you. Me. Us. Together.” He touches me and I close my eyes, savoring the feel of his fingers catching mine. We’re sharing the same air, the same space, his body brushing against mine and slowly I open my eyes to find that he’s watching me so very, very carefully. “I want there to still be an us. I know we’ve had a few rough starts but I think—I know you’re worth it.”