Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot

  CHAPTER XI.

  _FUNEREAL AND CONJUGAL_.

  Mrs. Banger has buried four husbands, and her experience of domesticlife in their company was so satisfactory that she recently married afifth, Mr. Banger. The name of her fourth was McFadden. The name ofher first and third was Smyth, while that of her second, oddly enough,was Smith. Soon after her return from her last wedding-tour she wasvisited by Mr. Toombs, the undertaker, who called ostensibly tocorrect an error in his last bill. When Mrs. Banger entered theparlor, Mr. Toombs greeted her cordially and said,

  "Ah! Mrs. Smy--Banger, I mean; I hope I see you well? Did you have apleasant trip? Nice weather while you were away; a little backward,maybe, but still comfortable, and likely to make things grow. Cemeterylooks beautiful now. I was out there to-day to a burying. Grass iscoming up charming on your lot, and I noticed a blackberry bushgrowing out of Mr. Smyth's grave. He was fond of 'em, I reckon. Therethey were lying, Smith and Smyth, and McFadden and the other Smyth,all four of them. No woman could have done fairer with those men thanyou did, ma'am; those mahogany coffins with silver-plated handles weregood enough for the patriarchs and prophets, and the President of theUnited States himself daren't ask anything better than a hearse withreal ostrich feathers and horses that are black as ink all over.

  "I know when we laid Mr. McFadden out I said to Tim Lafferty, myforeman, that the affection you showed in having that man buried instyle almost made me cry; but I never fully realized what woman's lovereally is till you made me line Mr. Smith's coffin with white satinand let in a French plate-glass skylight over the countenance. Thatworked on my feelings so that I pretty near forgot to distribute thegloves to the mourners. And Mr. Smith was worthy of it; he deservedit all. He was a man all over, no difference how you looked at him;stoutish, maybe, and took a casket that was thick through, but he wasall there, and I know when you lost him it worried you like anything.

  "Now, it's none of my business, Mrs. Banger; but casting my eye overthose graves to-day, it struck me that I might fix 'em up a little,so's they'd be more comfortable like. I think McFadden wants a fewsods over the feet, and Smith's headstone has worked a little out ofplumb. He's settled some, I s'pose. I think I'd straighten it up andput a gas-pipe railing around Mr. Smyth. And while you're about it,Mrs. Banger, hadn't you better buy about ten feet beyond Mr. Smith,so's there won't be any scrouging when you bury the next one? I likeelbow-room in a cemetery lot, and I pledge you my word it'll be atight squeeze to get another one in there and leave room for youbesides. It can't be done so's to look anyways right, and I know youdon't want to take all four of 'em out and make 'em move up, so's tolet the rest of you in. Of course it'd cut you up, and it'd cost likeeverything, too.

  "When a person's dead and buried, it's the fair thing to let himalone, and not to go hustling him around. That's my view, any way; andI say that if I was you, sooner than put Mr. Smith on top of McFaddenand Smyth on top of Smith, I'd buy in the whole reservation and lay'em forty feet apart.

  "And how _is_ Mr. Banger? Seem in pretty good health? Do you think weare to have him with us long? I hope so; but there's consumption inhis family, I believe. Life is mighty uncertain. We don't know whatminute we may be called. I'm a forehanded kind of man, and while hiswedding-suit was being made I just stepped into the tailor's and ranit over with a tape-measure, so's to get some idea of his size. You'dhardly believe it, but I've got a black walnut casket at the shopthat'll fit him as exact as if it had been built for him. It was theluckiest thing. An odd size, too, and wider than we generally makethem. I laid it away up stairs for him, to be prepared in case ofaccident. You've been so clever with me that I feel 'sif I ought totry my best to accommodate you; and I know how women hate to botherabout such things when their grief is tearing up their feelings andthey are fretting about getting their mourning-clothes in time for thefuneral.

  "And that's partly what I called to see you about, Mrs. McFa--Banger,I mean. I've got a note to pay in the morning, and the man's pushingme very hard; but I'm cleaned right out. Haven't got a cent. Now, itoccurred to me that maybe you'd advance me the money on Mr. Banger'sfuneral if I'd offer you liberal terms. How does fifteen per cent.strike you? and if he lives for six or seven years, I'll make ittwenty. Mind you, I offer the casket and the best trimmings, eightcarriages, the finest hearse in the county, and ice enough forthree days in the swelteringest weather in August. And I don'tmind--well--yes, I'll even agree to throw in a plain tombstone. Ifyou can do that to accommodate a friend, why, I'll--No? Don't want tospeculate on it? Oh, very well; I'm sorry, because I know you'd beensatisfied with the way I'd have arranged things. But no matter; Is'pose I can go round and borrow elsewhere. Good-morning; drop in sometime, and I'll show you that casket."

  As Toombs was going out he met Mr. Banger at the door. When he wasgone, Banger said,

  "My dear, who is that very odd-looking man?"

  And Mrs. Banger hesitated a moment, turned very red, and answered,

  "That is--that man is--a--a--he is, I believe--a--a--a--a some kind ofa--an undertaker."

  Then Banger looked gloomy and went up stairs to ponder. But Mrs.Banger felt that she had a duty to perform in taking care that the lotin the cemetery should not fall into such disorder as Mr. Toombs hadindicated, and she resolved to call upon Mr. Mix, at his monumentalmarble-works, to get him to attend to the matter for her. Mr. Mix didnot know her, and his ignorance of her past history turned out to beunfortunate. The following conversation occurred between them:

  _Mrs. Banger_. "Mr. Mix, I am anxious to have my cemetery lot fixedup--to put in new tombstones and reset the railing; and I called tosee if I could make some satisfactory arrangement with you."

  _Mix_. "Certainly, madam. Tell me precisely what it is you want done."

  _Mrs. B_. "Well, I'd like to have a new tombstone put over the graveof John--my husband, you know--and to have a nice inscription cut init, 'Here lies John Smyth,' etc., etc. You know what I mean; the usualway, of course, and maybe some kind of a design on the stone like abroken rosebud or something."

  _Mix_. "I understand."

  _Mrs. B_. "Well, then, what'll you charge me for getting up aheadstone just like that, out of pretty good white marble, and with alittle picture of a torch upside down or a weeping angel on it, andthe name of Thomas Smith cut on it?"

  _Mix_. "John Smyth, you mean."

  _Mrs. B_. "No, I mean Thomas."

  _Mix_. "But you said John before."

  _Mrs. B_. "I know, but that was my first husband, and Thomas was mysecond, and I want a new headstone for each of them. Now, it seems tome, Mr. Mix, that where a person is buying more than one, that way,you ought to make some reduction in the price--throw something off.Though, of course, I want a pretty good article at all the graves. Notanything gorgeous, but neat and tasteful and calculated to please theeye. Mr. Smyth was not a man who was fond of show. Give him a thingcomfortable, and he was satisfied. Now, which do you think is theprettiest, to have the name in raised letters in a straight line overthe top of the stone, or just to cut the words 'Alexander P. Smyth' ina kind of a semicircle in sunken letters?"

  _Mix_. "Did I understand you to say Alexander P.? Were you referringto John or Thomas?"

  _Mrs. B_. "Of course not. Aleck was my third. I'm not going to neglecthis grave while I'm fixing up the rest. I wish to make a completejob of it, Mr. Mix, while I am about it, and I'm willing for you toundertake it if you are reasonable in your charges. Now, what'll youask me for the lot, the kind I've described, plain but substantial,and sunk about two feet I should think, at the head of each grave?What'll you charge me for them--for the whole four?"

  _Mix_. "Well, I'll put you in those three headstones--"

  A TOMBSTONE CONTRACT]

  _Mrs. B. "Four_ headstones, Mr. Mix, not three."

  _Mix_. "Four, was it? No; there was John and Thomas and Alexander P.That's all you said, I think. Only three."

  _Mrs. B_. "Why, I want one for Adolph too, as a matter of course, thesame as the others. I thought y
ou knew I wanted one for Adolph, onemade just like John's, only with the name different. Adolph was myfourth husband. He died about three years after I buried Philip, andI'm wearing mourning for him now. Now, please give me your prices forthe whole of them."

  _Mix_. "Well, madam, I want to be as reasonable as I can, and I tellyou what I'll do. You give me all your work in the future, and I'llput you in those five headstones at hardly anything above cost; say--"

  _Mrs. B_. "_Four_ headstones, not five."

  _Mix_. "I think you mentioned five."

  _Mrs. B_. "No; only four."

  _Mix_. "Less see: there was John, and Thomas and Aleck, and Adolph andPhilip."

  _Mrs. B_. "Yes, but Aleck and Philip were the same one. His middlename was Philip, and I always called him by it."

  _Mix_. "Mrs. Banger, I'll be much obliged to you if you'll tell meprecisely how many husbands you have planted up in that cemetery lot.This thing's getting a little mixed."

  _Mrs. B_. "What do you mean, sir, by saying planted? I never 'planted'anybody. It's disgraceful to use such language."

  _Mix_. "It's a technical term, madam. We always use it, and I don'tsee as it's going to hurt any old row of fellows named Smyth. Plantedis good enough for other men, and it's good enough for them."

  _Mrs. B_. "Old row of--What d'you mean, you impudent vagabond? Iwouldn't let you put a headstone on one of my graves if you'd do itfor nothing."

  Then Mrs. Banger flounced out of the shop, and Mix called after her asshe went through the door,

  "Lemme know when you go for another man, and I'll throw him in atombstone for a wedding-present He'll want it soon."

  Mrs. Banger subsequently procured the services of a person in thecity, and she regards Mr. Mix with something like detestation.

  But Mrs. Banger herself is not universally beloved. Colonel Coffinknows of one woman who despises her methods and desires her completerepression. A short time after the election of the colonel to theLegislature a lady called to see him at his law-office. When she hadclosed the door, she sat down and said,

  "Colonel, my name is Mooney. I am unmarried--a single woman. I calledto see you in reference to pushing a bill through the Legislaturefor the benefit of maiden ladies such as myself. Let me direct yourattention to some extraordinary facts. Statistics tell us that in theentire population of the world there are one-fourth more women thanmen. In this country the proportion of women to men is slightlylarger. In this State there are two and one-eighth women to every man.Now, this outrageous condition of affairs--"

  "Excuse me for a moment, madam," said the colonel. "Really, theLegislature can do nothing to improve the matter. It cannot regulatethe proportion of the sexes by law."

  "I know it," replied Miss Mooney. "That is not what I am coming at. Isay that this condition of affairs is grossly unjust. If I had had themanagement of it, and had been compelled to arrange that there shouldbe more women than men, I certainly should not have had any fractions.There are not only two women for every man, but an eighth of a womanbesides, so that ever so many of us women would each belong to eightdifferent men if a fair distribution were made. How do I know, forinstance, that an eighth of me does not belong to you? Why, I don'tknow it; and I say it's awful."

  "If such is the case, madam," said the colonel, "I surrender all myrights without waiting for a legislative enactment."

  "Excuse me," replied Miss Mooney, "but you do not catch the drift ofmy remarks. Of course, while the laws against bigamy are in existence,some of those women can never be married, although for my part, when aman has two wives and an eighth of another wife, I call it polygamy.Well, now, the point I want to make is this: When more than half of uscan't marry, it's only right that the other half should have a fairchance. There are not men enough to go round, any how, and forgracious' sake let's make them go as far as they honestly will. Well,then, how'll we do it? How'll we make an equitable distribution ofthose men?"

  "Hanged if I know, madam. The Legislature daren't meddle with them."

  "I'll tell you how to do it. Listen to me. Shut down on the widows.You hear me! Suppress the widows. Make it death for any widow to marryagain. That's my remedy; and there'll never be any justice till it'sthe law. Just look at it! When a woman has been married once, she'shad more than her share of the male population; she's had her ownshare and the share of another woman and an eighth. Is it right, is ithonorable, for that woman to go and marry another man, and take theshare of two more women and an eighth? I say, is it just the thing?"

  "Well, on the surface it does look a little crooked."

  "Crooked is not the word. Colonel Coffin, I know these widows. Ihave had my eye on them. They've got a way of bursting into a man'sfeelings and walking off with his affections that fills a modest womanlike me with gall and bitterness. You know Mrs. Banger? No? Well, now,look at her, f'r instance. First she married Mr. Smyth, although whaton earth he ever saw to admire about _her_ I cannot imagine. That washer allowance. Having obtained Smyth, oughtn't she to have stood backand given some other woman a chance--now, oughtn't she?"

  "Really, madam, I am hardly able to express an opinion."

  "But no. After a while Smyth succumbed. He died. She entombed him,crying, mind you, all the time, as if, having lost Smyth, she wantedto die and join Smyth in the grave and in Paradise. But no sooner washe well settled than she began to flirt with Mr. Smith, and what doeshe do but yield to her blandishments and marry her? Took her, andseemed to glory in it.

  "Now, you'd've thought that she'd've been satisfied with that, whenshe'd got the share of four women and a quarter. But pretty soon, asluck would have it, Smith, died and she hustled _him_ into the grave.And in less than a year afterward I was amazed to hear that she wasgoing to marry another Smyth. I was never more astonished in my life.Positively going to annex a third man, when the supply was too shortanyway. Did you ever hear of such impudence? Did you, now?"

  "I'll think it over and see if I can remember."

  "Well, then, I thought for certain _now_ that woman would knock offand give the rest of us some kind of a chance; and when Smyth waskilled by cholera and interred, it never entered my head that thatwidow'd go after _another_ man. But, bless your soul! she'd hardly gotinto second mourning before she began to pursue Mr. McFadden, andgot him. Now, look at it. One woman, no better'n I am, has had theproperty of eight women and a half, and here I am single and gettingon in life, with the chances growing absurdly small. No civilizedcountry ought to tolerate such a thing. It's worse than piracy. Youmay scuttle a ship or blow her up or run her against the rocks, and nogreat harm is done, because timber's plenty and you can build anotherone. But when one woman scuttles three men and then ties to a fourth,what are you going to do about it? You can't go out into the woods andchop down trees and saw them up and tack them together and build aman. Now, can you?"

  "That seems to be the common impression, anyway."

  "Just so. And I want you to pass a bill through that Legislature tomake it a felony for a widow to marry again. I've drawn up a draft ofa bill and I'll leave it with you. I've made it retroactive, so thatit'll bring that woman Banger up with a short turn and send her afterSmith and the others. I don't care to marry, myself, but I wantjustice. Are you married?"

  "Madam, leave the bill with me and I will examine it."

  "I say are you married?"

  "I--I--married did you say? Oh yes. I've been married for ten years."

  "Very well, then; good-morning;" and Miss Mooney withdrew.

  "Thunder!" exclaimed the colonel as he shut the door. "If I'd've beensingle, I believe she'd've proposed on the spot."

  It is not considered likely that the Mooney anti-widow bill will bepushed very hard in the Legislature next session.