Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1

to meet aman who rises superior to the petty tactics of the average solicitor.It's a real and lasting benefit, and an instructive experience."

  Ten minutes later, after a few more such comments on the part of theagent, the man who could not be flattered into signing the contractwas asking which line his name should be written upon.

  * * * * *

  Billy Martin, aged four, came to his mother and in great ecstasyexclaimed, "Oh, mother! Louise and Carberry found such a nice deadcat, and they are going to have a funeral, and can I go?" Permissionwas given, and when Billy returned he was questioned as to the outcomeof the funeral.

  "They did not have it at all."

  "And why not?"

  "Mother," was the answer, "the cat was too dead."

  * * * * *

  The late H. C. Bunner when editor of "Puck," once received a letteraccompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked:"What will you give me for these?" "Ten yards start," was Bunner'sgenerous offer, written beneath the query.

  * * * * *

  One day Riley was riding on top of a 'bus in London with his friendCasey. He was nearly worn out with several hours' sight-seeing and thebustle and excitement of the London street, the hoi polloi, theBillingsgate and the din and rattle were becoming almost unbearablewhen they came in sight of Westminster Abbey. Just as they did so,the chimes burst forth in joyous melody, and he said to Casey, "Isn'tit sublime? Isn't it glorious to hear those chimes pealing and doesn'tit inspire one with renewed vigor?" Casey leaned over, with hand tohis ear, and said, "You'll have to speak a little louder, Riley; Ican't hear you." Riley continued, "Those magnificent chimes. Do younot hear them pealing? Do they not imbue you with a feeling of almostreverence? Do they not awaken tender memories of the past?" Caseyagain leaned forward and said, "I can't hear you. You'll have to speaklouder." Riley got as close to him as possible and said, "Do you nothear the melodious pealing of the chimes? Do they not recall thesalutation of old Trinity on a Sabbath morning? Do they not take youback into the dim vistas of the past when the world was young, andtouch your heart with a feeling of pathos?" Casey put his mouth closeto Riley's ear and said, "Those d-- bells are making such a racket,Riley, that I can't hear you."

  * * * * *

  Four grinning urchins sat on the street curb eulogizing ex-PresidentRoosevelt.

  "Say, dat guy Roosevelt 'll fight at de drop of de hat!" declared oneyoungster. "I read dat durin' a talk at de White House one of de partysaid somethin' the President wouldn' stan' for an' he leans over angets de guy's ear!"

  * * * * *

  "Have you ever had any experience in canvassing for subscriptionbooks?" asked the man at the desk.

  "No, sir," said the applicant for a job, "but I can put up a goodtalk."

  "Well, take a copy of this work and go and see if you can get anorder. I'll give you half a day to make the trial."

  The applicant went away.

  In an hour or two he returned.

  "What luck?" inquired the man at the desk.

  "I've got an order for this book in full morocco from your wife, sir."

  "You'll do, young man."

  * * * * *

  In Alabama they tell this story to illustrate Senator Morgan's abilityas an advocate. A negro of well-known thieving proclivities was ontrial for stealing a mule. Morgan defended and cleared him. As lawyerand client were walking out of the courtroom Mr. Morgan said: "Rastus,did you steal the mule?" "Well, Marse Morgan, it was jes like dis: Ireally thought I did steal dat mule, but after what you said to thejury I was convince' I didn't."

  * * * * *

  Uncle Walter, with his little niece Ruth in his lap, was about totelephone a message to a distant city. While waiting for theconnection to be made little Ruth asked if she might talk over theopen wire. The young lady operator heard the question and said, "Yes,please let her."

  Ruth, taking the receiver, first told her name. Then the operatorasked her where she was, and to this Ruth replied:

  "I am in Uncle Walter's lap--don't you wish you were?"

  * * * * *

  Apropos of vanity, Senator Root told at Yale about a politician who,the day before he was to make a certain speech, sent a forty-one-pagereport of it to all the papers. On page 20 appeared this paragraph:"But the hour grows late, and I must close. (No, no! Go on! Go on!)"

  * * * * *

  Two women from the country were at the circus for the first time. Theywere greatly taken with the menagerie. At last they came to thehippopotamus, and stood for several minutes in silent wonder, then oneturned to the other and said, "My, Mandy, ain't--he--_plain_?"

  * * * * *

  Senator Ingalls was always quick at retort, although he was himself asubject of some sharp shafts. Once he was attacked by Senator EliSaulsbury, of Delaware, the second smallest State in the Union. Hedisposed of the whole matter by saying, "I thank the gentleman fromthat great State, which has three counties at low tide and twocounties at high tide, for his advice."

  * * * * *

  A young and bashful professor was frequently embarrassed by jokes hisgirl pupils would play on him. These jokes were so frequent that hedecided to punish the next perpetrators, and the result of thisdecision was that two girls were detained an hour after school, andmade to work some difficult problems, as punishment.

  It was the custom to answer the roll-call with quotations, so thefollowing morning, when Miss A's name was called, she rose, and,looking straight in the professor's eye, repeated: "With all thyfaults I love thee still," while Miss B's quotation was: "The hours Ispend with thee, dear heart, are as a string of pearls to me."

  * * * * *

  Archbishop Patrick J. Ryan, of Philadelphia, once received a call fromWayne McVeagh, in company with Mr. Roberts, president of thePennsylvania system at the time that McVeagh was counsel for thatrailroad. "Your Grace," said Mr. McVeagh, "Mr. Roberts, who alwaystravels with his counsel, will, undoubtedly, get you passes over allthe railroads in the United States, if in return you will get him apass to Paradise." "I would do so gladly," flashed the archbishop, "ifit were not for separating him from his counsel."

  * * * * *

  On one of his collecting trips through Scotland the eminent Englishgeologist, Hugh Miller, at the end of the day gave to a servant hisbag of specimen stones which he had labored all day to collect, to becarried some miles to his home. Later, while sitting unobserved in acorner of the village inn, he heard the man communicating to a friendin Gaelic his experience with the "mad Englishman," as he called him,in the following manner:

  "He gave me his bag to carry home by a short-cut across the hillswhile he walked by another road. I was wondering why it was sofearfully heavy, and when I got out of his sight I made up my mind tosee what was in it. I opened it, and what do you think it was?Stones!"

  "Stones!" exclaimed his companion, opening his eyes. "Stones! Well,that beats all I ever heard or knew of one of them. And did you carryit?"

  "Carry it! Do you think I was as mad as himself? No, no. I emptiedthem all out of the bag, but I filled it again from the stone-heapnear the house, and gave him good measure for his money."

  * * * * *

  Former Representative Gibson, of Tennessee, had a voice that wouldplay tricks with him. It would work all right for a few minutes, andthen it would stop entirely, and Gibson would be left gasping for amoment or two, high and dry in the middle of his argument, until hisvoice came back again. He was making a tariff speech one day, sailingalong in fine shape. "Why, Mr. Speaker," he shouted, "the tariff islike a pair of suspenders. Uncle Sam needs it to keep up his--"

  Right there his voice broke. Gibson couldn't say a word.

  "Trousers!" yelled
one member.

  "Pants!"

  "Breeches!"

  By that time the voice came back--"to keep up his revenues," saidGibson, glaring around at his tormentors.

  * * * * *

  Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent aroundthe Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on thefloor, conducted him to the Senate gallery.

  After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery doorkeeper andsaid: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He broughtme here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I thought I wouldtell