Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1

Thinking there might be some mistake made he kept his insideand placed it at his feet. He was soon engrossed in his paper, and didnot notice the young woman reach over and draw the grip close to herside. Being of a humorous turn of mind he waited until she wasoccupied with a book and then pulled the grip to its former position,the rest of the travelers looking on with amused expressions.

  In turning over a leaf she looked down and suddenly became aware ofthe removal of the grip. She was quite indignant, and with some forcein her voice and manner said, "That is _mine_!" and jerked it backclose to her feet.

  Touching his hat politely the owner said, with a merry twinkle in hiseye: "All right, madam; but may I please get my pipe and nightshirtout? You are welcome to the rest of the things!"

  * * * * *

  President Eliot, of Harvard, is not a believer in spelling reform. Notlong ago there was a student who was a candidate for the degree ofdoctor of philosophy. This student had adopted spelling reform as hisparticular line of work, and as commencement day drew near he went toPresident Eliot with a request. "You know, Mr. President," he said"that you are proposing to make me a Ph.D. Now I have made a specialtyof spelling reform and I always spell philosophy with an 'f.' Itherefore called to ask you if you could not make my degree F. D.,instead of Ph.D."

  "Certainly," replied the President. "In fact, if you insist, we shallmake it a D. F."

  * * * * *

  The following letter was received by the Post-office Department. Itcame from a Western postmaster at a small office and read: "Inaccordance with the rules of the department, I write you to inform youthat on next Saturday I will close the post-office for one day, as Iam going on a bear hunt. I am not asking your permission to close upand don't give a damn if you discharge me; but I will advise now, thatI am the only man in the county who can read and write."

  * * * * *

  A young lady at a summer hotel asked an artist friend, who wasspending his vacation there, if he would mind doing a small favor forher.

  "Certainly not," he said eagerly; "what is it?"

  "Thank you so much," she exclaimed gratefully. "I wish you would stopat Mrs. Gannon's little shop and get three large bone buttons, thekind with two small holes in them. They're for my new bathing suit,you know. Just tell her who I am and it will be all right. You needn'tpay for them."

  Now the artist was a bachelor, and had never bought anything butcollar buttons before. So on the way to the store he kept repeatingthe instructions that he had received. Eager to relieve his mind herushed up to Mrs. Gannon and reeled off this surprising speech: "Iwant three bone buttons for a small bathing suit with two large holesin it. Just tell me who I am and it will be all right."

  * * * * *

  There was not even standing room in the six-o'clock crowded car, butone more passenger, a young woman, wedged her way along just insidethe doorway. Each time the car took a sudden lurch forward she fellhelplessly back, and three times she landed in the arms of a large,comfortable man on the back platform. The third time it happened hesaid quietly: "Hadn't you better stay here now?"

  * * * * *

  The principal of one of Washington's high schools relates an incidentin connection with the last commencement day. A clever girl had takenone of the principal prizes. At the close of the exercises her friendscrowded about her to offer congratulations.

  "Weren't you awfully afraid you wouldn't get it, Hattie?" asked one,"when there were so many contestants?"

  "Oh, no!" cheerily exclaimed Hattie. "Because I knew when it came toEnglish composition I had 'em all skinned."

  * * * * *

  The Guards' Band was playing on the terrace at Windsor Castle duringluncheon, and the Queen was so pleased with a lively march that shesent a maid of honor to inquire what it was. The maid of honor blusheddeeply as she answered on her return: "'Come where the Booze isCheaper,' your Majesty."

  * * * * *

  Mark Twain once wrote to Andrew Carnegie as follows:

  "_My dear Mr. Carnegie:_ I see by the papers that you are veryprosperous. I want to get a hymn-book. It costs two dollars. I willbless you, God will bless you, and it will do a great deal of good.Yours truly, Mark Twain."

  "P. S.--Don't send the hymn-book; send me the two dollars."

  * * * * *

  A physician started a model insane asylum, says the New York "Sun,"and set apart one ward especially for crazy motorists and chauffeurs.Taking a friend through the building he pointed out with particularpride the automobile ward and called attention to its elegantfurnishings and equipment.

  "But," said the friend, "the place is empty; I don't see anypatients."

  "Oh, they are all under the cots fixing the slats," explained thephysician.

  * * * * *

  An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in theoutlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witnessin court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She tookthe witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbialBourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what tookplace. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by hispersistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.

  "Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowedabout it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knockedhim down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom witha knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was afriend of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, enthree or four others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachlycaused some excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'."

  * * * * *

  One morning, as Mr. Clemens returned from a neighborhood call, sansnecktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There,Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It'sreally disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"

  Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.

  A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door bya messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. Sheopened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the followingnote: "Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayedhalf an hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindlyreturn it, as it is the only one I have?--MARK TWAIN."

  * * * * *

  The teacher was teaching a class in the infant Sabbath-school room andwas making her pupils finish each sentence to show that theyunderstood her.

  "The idol had eyes," the teacher said, "but it could not--"

  "See," cried the children.

  "It had ears, but it could not--"

  "Hear," was the answer.

  "It had lips," she said, "but it could not--"

  "Speak," once more replied the children.

  "It had a nose, but it could not--"

  "Wipe it," shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment.

  * * * * *

  She was the dearest and most affectionate little woman in the world,and so thoughtful of her husband's comfort and his needs. One evening,when company was expected, she inquired solicitously:

  "Aren't you going to wear that necktie I gave you on Christmas,dearie?"

  "Of course I am, Henrietta," responded dearie. "I was saving it up. Iam going to wear that red necktie, and my Nile-green smoking-jacket,and my purple and yellow socks, and open that box of cigars you gaveme, all at once--to-night."

  * * * * *

  When J. M. Barrie addressed an audience of one thousand girls at SmithCollege during an American visit, a friend asked him how he had foundthe experience.

  "Well," replied Mr. Barrie, "to tell you the truth I'd much rathertalk one thousand time
s to one girl than to talk one time to athousand girls."

  * * * * *

  The Rev. Mr. Goodman (inspecting himself in mirror)--"Caroline, Idon't really believe I ought to wear this wig. It looks like living alie."

  "Bless your heart, Avery," said his better half, "don't let thattrouble you. That wig will never fool anybody for one moment."

  * * * * *

  A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when onenight as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, her motherentered the room instead and asked in a grave, stern way what hisintentions were. He was about to