PS, I Love You

  “Well, I was just wondering. Laura seems to sound like a bit of a … em … a … bitch, to be honest.” She bit her lip and studied his face to see if she had insulted him. His face was blank as he stared at the candlesticks in the center of the table and listened. “Well,” she continued, feeling as though she had to tiptoe carefully around this subject, knowing how badly Laura had broken Daniel’s heart. “Well, my question is really, what ever did you see in her? How could you two ever have been in love? You’re both so different, well, at least you sound like you’re so different.” She backpedaled fast, remembering she wasn’t supposed to have ever met Laura. Daniel was silent for a moment and Holly feared she had stepped into the wrong territory.

  He dragged his eyes away from the flame dancing around on the candlestick to face Holly. His lips broke into a sad smile. “Laura isn’t really a bitch, Holly. Well, for leaving me for my best friend she is … but as a person, when we were together, she was never a bitch. Dramatic, yes. A bitch, no.” He smiled and turned his body around to face Holly properly. “You see, I loved the drama of our relationship. I found it exciting; she enthralled me.” His face became animated as he explained their relationship and his speech quickened with the excitement of the memory of his lost love. “I loved waking up in the morning and wondering what kind of mood she would be in that day, I loved our fights, I loved the passion of them and I loved how we would make love after them.” His eyes danced. “She would make a song and dance about most things, but I suppose that’s what I found different and attractive about her. I used to always tell myself that as long as she kept making a song and dance about our own relationship, then I knew she cared. If she hadn’t, then it wouldn’t have been worth it really. I loved the drama,” he repeated, believing himself even more this time. “Our temperaments contrasted, but we made a good team; you know what they say about opposites attracting …” He looked into the face of his new friend and saw her concern. “She didn’t treat me badly, Holly, she wasn’t a bitch in that way …” He smiled more to himself. “She was just …”

  “Dramatic,” Holly finished for him, finally understanding. He nodded.

  Holly watched his face as he got lost in another memory. She supposed it was possible for anybody to love anybody. That was the great thing about love; it came in all different shapes, sizes and temperaments.

  “You miss her,” Holly said gently, putting her hand on his arm.

  Daniel snapped out of his daydream and stared deeply into Holly’s eyes. A shiver went down her spine and she felt the hairs on her arms stand up. He snorted loudly and twisted back around in his chair, “Wrong again, Holly Kennedy.” He nodded his head and frowned, as though she had said the most bizarre thing ever. “Completely and utterly wrong.” He picked up his knife and fork and began to eat his salmon starter. Holly gulped back some cool water and turned her attention to the plate that was being set before her.

  · · ·

  After dinner and a few bottles of wine Helen stumbled over to Holly, who had escaped over to Sharon and Denise’s side of the table. She gave her a big hug and tearily apologized for not keeping in touch.

  “That’s OK, Helen. Sharon, Denise and John have been very supportive friends, so I wasn’t alone.”

  “Oh, but I feel so awful,” Helen slurred.

  “Don’t,” Holly said, anxious to continue her enjoyable conversation with the girls.

  But Helen insisted on talking about the good old times when Gerry was alive and when everything was rosy. She talked about all the times that she and Gerry had shared together, which were memories that Holly wasn’t particularly interested in. Eventually Holly had enough of Helen’s tearful whinging and realized that all her friends were up having fun on the dance floor.

  “Helen, please stop,” Holly finally interrupted. “I don’t know why you feel you have to discuss this with me tonight when I am trying to enjoy myself, but you obviously feel guilty for not keeping in touch with me. To be honest, I think that if I hadn’t come to this ball tonight I still wouldn’t have heard from you for another ten months and more. And that’s not the kind of friend I need in my life. So please stop crying on my shoulder and let me enjoy myself.”

  Holly felt that she had phrased it reasonably, but Helen looked like she had been slapped in the face. A small dose of what Holly had felt for the past year. Daniel appeared out of nowhere, took Holly by the hand and led her to the dance floor to join all her friends. As soon as they reached the dance floor the song ended and Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight” began. The dance floor began to empty out bar a few couples and Holly was left facing Daniel. She gulped. She hadn’t planned on this. She had only ever danced with Gerry to this song.

  Daniel placed his hand lightly on her waist and gently took her hand and they began to circle around. Holly was stiff. Dancing with another man felt wrong. A tingle went down her spine and she shuddered. Daniel must have thought she was cold and he pulled her closer to keep her warm. She was led around the floor in a trance until the song ended and she made the excuse of having to go to the toilet. She locked herself in the cubicle and leaned against the door taking deep breaths. She had been doing so well up until now. Even with everyone asking her about Gerry she had remained calm. But the dance had shaken her. Perhaps it was time to go home while the going was good. She was about to unlock the door when she heard a voice outside say her name. She froze and listened to the women chatting outside.

  “Did you see Holly Kennedy dancing with that man tonight?” a voice asked. The unmistakable whine of Jennifer.

  “I know!” another voice spoke with a tone of disgust. “And her husband not yet cold in his grave!”

  “Ah leave her alone,” another woman said lightheartedly, “they could just be friends.”

  Thank you, Holly thought.

  “But I doubt it,” she continued and the women giggled.

  “Did you see the way they were wrapped around each other? I don’t dance with any of my friends like that,” Jennifer said.

  “That’s disgraceful,” another woman said. “Imagine flaunting your new man in a place you used to come to with your husband in front of all his friends. It’s disgusting.” The women tutted and a toilet flushed in the cubicle beside Holly. She stood frozen in her position, shocked by what she was hearing and embarrassed they were saying it where others could hear.

  The toilet door opened beside her and the women were silenced. “Would you bickering old bitches ever go and get yourselves lives?” Sharon’s voice yelled. “It is absolutely no business of yours what my best friend does or does not do! Jennifer, if your life was so bloody perfect then what are you doing sneaking around with Pauline’s husband?”

  Holly heard someone gasp. It was probably Pauline.

  Holly covered her mouth to stop herself from laughing.

  “Right, so keep your noses in your own business and piss off the lot of you!” Sharon yelled.

  When Holly felt she had heard everyone leave she unlocked the door and stepped outside. Sharon looked up at her from the sink in shock.

  “Thanks, Sharon.”

  “Oh Holly, I’m sorry you had to hear that,” she said, giving her friend a hug.

  “It doesn’t matter, I couldn’t give a crap what they think,” Holly said bravely. “But I can’t believe Jenny is having an affair with Pauline’s husband!” Holly said, shocked.

  Sharon shrugged, “She’s not, but it’ll give them something to bitch about for the next few months.”

  The girls giggled.

  “I think I’ll go home now, though,” Holly said, glancing at her watch and thinking about the final message from Gerry. Her heart sank.

  “Good idea,” Sharon agreed. “I didn’t realize how shite this ball was when you’re sober.”

  Holly smiled.

  “Anyway, you were great tonight, Holly. You came, you conquered, now go home and open Gerry’s message. Ring me and let me know what it says.” She hugged her friend again.

&n
bsp; “It’s the last one,” Holly said sadly.

  “I know, so enjoy it,” Sharon smiled. “But memories last a lifetime, remember that.”

  Holly made her way back to the table to say good-bye to everyone and Daniel stood up to leave with her. “You’re not leaving me here on my own,” he laughed. “We can share a cab.”

  Holly was slightly irritated when Daniel hopped out of the taxi and followed her to her house, as she was looking forward to opening the envelope from Gerry. It was a quarter to twelve, which gave her fifteen minutes. She hoped he would drink his tea and be gone by then. She even called another taxi to arrive at her house in half an hour, just to let him know he couldn’t stay too long.

  “Ah, so this is the famous envelope,” Daniel said, picking the tiny envelope up from the table.

  Holly’s eyes widened; she felt protective over that envelope, and she wasn’t happy with him touching it, removing Gerry’s trace from it.

  “December,” he said, reading the outside and running his fingers along the lettering. Holly wanted to tell him to put it down but didn’t want to sound psychotic. Eventually he placed it back on the table and she breathed a sigh of relief and continued to fill the kettle with water.

  “How many more envelopes are left?” Daniel asked, taking his overcoat off and walking over to join her at the kitchen counter.

  “That’s the last one.” Holly’s voice was husky and she cleared her throat.

  “So what are you going to do after that?”

  “What do you mean?” she asked, feeling confused.

  “Well, as far as I can see, that list is like your bible, your ten commandments. What the list says goes, as far as your life is concerned. So what will you do when there aren’t any more?”

  Holly looked up at his face to see if he was being smart, but his blue eyes twinkled back at her.

  “I’ll just live my life,” she replied, turning her back and flicking the switch on the kettle.

  “Will you be able to do that?” he walked closer to her and she could smell his aftershave. It was a real Daniel smell.

  “I suppose so,” she replied, confused and uncomfortable by his questions.

  “Because you will have to make your own decisions then,” he said softly.

  “I know that,” she said defensively, avoiding eye contact with him.

  “And do you think you’ll be able to do that?”

  Holly rubbed her face tiredly. “Daniel, what’s this about?”

  He swallowed hard and adjusted his stance before her, trying to make himself comfortable. “I’m asking you this because I’m going to say something to you now, and you are going to have to make your own decision.” He looked her straight in the eye and her heart beat wildly. “There will be no list, no guidelines; you will just have to follow your own heart.”

  Holly backed away from him a little. A feeling of dread pulled at her heart and she hoped he wasn’t going to say what she thought he was about to say.

  “Em … Daniel … I d-don’t think that this is … the right time to … um … we shouldn’t talk about …”

  “This is a perfect time,” he said seriously. “You already know what I’m going to say to you, Holly, and I know you already know how I feel about you.”

  Holly’s mouth dropped open and she glanced at the clock.

  It was twelve o’clock.

  Forty-seven

  GERRY TOUCHED HOLLY’S NOSE AND smiled to himself as she wrinkled up her nose in her sleep. He loved watching her while she was sleeping; she looked like a princess, so beautiful and peaceful.

  He tickled her nose again and smiled as her eyes slowly opened. “Good morning, sleepyhead.”

  She smiled at him. “Good morning, beautiful.” She cuddled closer to him and rested her head on his chest. “How are you feeling today?”

  “Like I could run the London marathon,” he joked.

  “Now that’s what I call a quick recovery,” she smiled, lifting her head and kissing him on the lips. “What do you want for breakfast?”

  “You,” he said, biting her nose.

  Holly giggled. “I’m not on the menu today unfortunately. How about a fry?”

  “No,” he frowned. “That’s too heavy for me,” and his heart melted as he saw Holly’s face fall. He tried to perk himself up. “But I would love a big, huge bowl of vanilla ice cream!”

  “Ice cream!” she laughed. “For breakfast?”

  “Yes,” he grinned, “I always wanted that for breakfast when I was a kid but my darling mother wouldn’t allow me to have it. But now I don’t care anymore.” He smiled bravely.

  “Then ice cream you shall have,” Holly said happily, hopping out of bed. “Do you mind if I wear this?” she asked, putting his dressing gown on.

  “My dear, you can wear it all you like.” Gerry smiled, watching her modeling the oversized robe up and down the bedroom for him.

  “Mmm, it smells of you,” she said, sniffing it. “I’m never going to take it off. OK, I’ll be back in a minute,” and he heard her racing down the stairs and clattering around in the kitchen.

  Lately he had noticed her racing around every time she left his side, it was as though she were afraid to leave him for too long on his own, and he knew what that meant. Bad news for him. He had finished his radiation therapy, which they had prayed would target the residual tumor. It had failed, and now all he could do was lie around all day, as he felt too weak to get up most of the time. It just seemed so pointless to him because it wasn’t even as if he were waiting to recover. His heart beat wildly at the thought. He was afraid; afraid of where he was going, afraid of what was happening to him and afraid for Holly. She was the only person who knew exactly what to say to him to calm him down and ease his pain. She was so strong; she was his rock and he couldn’t imagine his life without her. But he needn’t worry about that scenario, because it was she who would be without him. He felt angry, sad, jealous and scared for her. He wanted to stay with her and carry out every wish and promise they had ever made to each other, and he was fighting for that right. But he knew he was fighting a losing battle. After two operations the tumor had returned, and it was growing rapidly inside him. He wanted to reach into his head and tear out the disease that was destroying his life, but that was just another thing he had no control over.

  He and Holly had become even closer than before over the past few months, which was something he knew was a bad idea for Holly’s sake, but he couldn’t bear to distance himself from her. He was enjoying the chats they carried on till the early hours of the morning, and they found themselves giggling just like when they were teenagers. But that was only on their good days.

  They had their bad days, too.

  He wouldn’t think about that now, his therapist kept telling him to “give his body a positive environment—socially, emotionally, nutritionally and spiritually.”

  And his new little project was doing just that. It was keeping him busy and making him feel like he could do something other than lie on a bed all day. His mind was kept occupied as he mapped out his plan to remain with Holly even when he was gone. He was also fulfilling a promise he had made to her years ago. At least there was one he could follow through on for her. Shame it had to be this particular promise.

  He heard Holly thudding up the stairs and he smiled; his plan was working.

  “Babe, there’s no more ice cream left,” she said sadly. “Is there anything else you would prefer?”

  “Nope,” he shook his head. “Just the ice cream, please.”

  “Oh, but now I have to go to the shop to get it,” she complained.

  “Don’t worry, hun, I’ll be fine for a few minutes,” he assured her.

  She looked at him uncertainly. “I really would rather stay, there’s no one else here.”

  “Don’t be silly,” he smiled, and he lifted his mobile off the bedside table and placed it on his chest. “If there’s a problem, which there won’t be, I’ll call you.”

 
“OK.” Holly bit her lip. “I’ll only be five minutes down the road. Are you sure you’ll be OK?”

  “Positive,” he smiled.

  “OK then.” She slowly took off his robe and threw on a tracksuit and he could see she still wasn’t happy about the arrangement.

  “Holly, I’ll be fine,” he said firmly.

  “OK.” She gave him a long kiss and he heard her race down the stairs, rush out to the car and speed off down the road.

  As soon as Gerry knew he was safe, he pulled back the covers and slowly climbed out of bed. He sat on the edge of the mattress for a while, waiting for the dizziness to pass, then he slowly made his way to the wardrobe. He took out an old shoe box from the top shelf that contained junk he had collected over the past few years and that also contained the nine full envelopes. He took out the tenth empty envelope and neatly wrote “December” on the front. Today was the first of December, and he moved himself forward one year from now, knowing he wouldn’t be around. He imagined Holly to be a karaoke genius, relaxed from her holiday in Spain, bruise-free as a result of the bedside lamp and hopefully happy in a new job that she loved.

  He imagined her on this very day in one year’s time possibly sitting on the bed right where he was now and reading the final installment to the list, and he thought long and hard about what to write. Tears filled his eyes as he placed the full stop beside the sentence; he kissed the page, wrapped it in the envelope and hid it back in the shoe box. He would post the envelopes to Holly’s parents’ house in Portmarnock, where he knew the package would be in safe hands until she was prepared to open it. He wiped the tears from his eyes and slowly made his way back to bed, where his phone was ringing on the mattress.

  “Hello?” he said, trying to control his voice, and he smiled when he heard the sweetest voice on the other end. “I love you too, Holly …”

  Forty-eight

  “NO DANIEL, THIS ISN’T RIGHT,” Holly said, upset, and pulled her hand away from his grip.

  “But why isn’t it right?” he pleaded with her with his twinkling blue eyes.