Wide Open

  So we stayed.

  Now, eight months later, we lived in a small apartment that was the perfect size for the two of us. It was about fifteen minutes from Mamma's house and we'd already found our new favorite Chinese place.

  We woke up next to each other every day in our small crappy double bed. It was home and I loved it. I wouldn't have lived anywhere else. Waking in those cheap white Target sheets in the morning with Maya's legs wrapped around mine, her in my boxers and t-shirts, because that little fad stuck—to my never ending enjoyment—was the highlight of my life. Sometimes I couldn't believe it was real. I'd reach over and think it was a dream, or a nightmare even, and I was back to being that punk kid and this wasn't my Maya, but some girl I didn't even know the name of.

  But I'd run my hands over her, behind her knees, her behind, her back, her arms. It was her—my broken angel who just wanted to put other people back together again.

  Moving back home was something we debated for a while. Maya's whole life was back in the town we met—her job, her friends, but she insisted she wanted to start over, start fresh and with my family who had done so much for her just a couple hours down the road, it just made sense for that to be the place to do it. She said everywhere she looked, she saw her brother in that little town.

  In no time, she found a job at the center here as a counselor. She said she didn't want to do anything else. That even though it was a rough job, it reminded her every day why being sober and clean was so important. We went to meetings there at least once a month, but seemed to be there more than that. Just like the other center, she showed a lot of support for the people there, helped them more than she helped herself. She was good at it because she didn't see it as a job. It was her life.

  And me, I actually started working at the center, too. No more greasy work for me. Which worked out great because the more time we spent at the center, the better.

  Mamma seemed to be doing as great as she could be. We saw them all the time. My nephew was growing faster than they could clothe him, and Mason was already trying to get Emma to have another one.

  The knock on the door sounded, but before either of us could get up, the door opened and a loud squeal rang out. "Oh, my. Oh, my. Yes," I heard Emma soothe him. "Yes, I get it. You're happy to be here."

  I got up laughing and put our plates and cups in the sink as Maya took Jackson from Emma, who handed me his bag without looking at me and searched in her purse for something. "Uh, he's been teething, so I'm sorry if he's a little cranky, but if he starts crying, just give him this and let him suck on—"

  I took her shoulders and made her face me. "Em." She looked up at me, her big eyes bright. "It's all right. We've got him. He'll be fine. We'll be fine. You just go take your test and all will be well."

  Emma grinned up at me and sighed. "All right. Okay." I hugged her to me and kissed her forehead. She pulled back and pushed at my chest. "Eww. Put a shirt on, McBeefy." She waved as she hurried out the door. "I'll be back!"

  Maya laughed as I shook my head and made my way to my nephew. Emma had finals today and Mason had some kind of convention. Who better to watch the kid on a Saturday morning than the responsible uncle and aunt? I rubbed his chubby little cheek and chin with my finger. He latched on and then grabbed a handful of Maya's hair.

  He was the cutest little mess I'd ever seen. A Wright boy to the core. I changed my name back to Wright recently. It only seemed fitting with the future plans I had in store.

  I looked down at my future with dark hair and big eyes, watching her as she flipped Jackson's lip up and down, him chortling so loud. It didn't seem like very long ago, but it had actually been months since I'd done my NA meeting coming out speech, as I called it, not too long after Will's funeral and Roz and the move and…all of it. I still had my sling on, in fact. Maya had given me that two-year coin and I held it in my palm, crushing it as I faced all my demons and told a room full of strangers and my family every sin and transgression I'd ever done—every ugly detail, every awful thing, every way that I had been too weak to control myself.

  But my eyes stayed on my Maya and she never once let me fall. She knew it was hard for me, the first time was always the hardest, but she was my rock. Afterwards, we all went out to the Chinese place for dinner, then that night Mason and I went out for the first time in years, just the two of us. In truth, I wanted him to come with me because I was picking up Maya's ring. I say picking up rather than picking out because I knew that I'd find one. It wasn't a matter of finding one. Maya wasn't one of those girls who needed some big rock. It was just a matter of finding something that didn't cost a fortune and I could imagine it sitting on her finger. I wanted Mason to come with me and didn't tell him what I was doing, but when we reached the store, he knew. After a few minutes of looking, I glanced over before looking back at the glass and spoke without looking at him.

  "Aren't brothers supposed to talk you out of it? Tell you it's a mistake? Getting married is a one-way ticket to hell and all that other bull?" I grinned, unable to help it.

  He chuckled as he came behind me to my other side. "That one." He pointed to a small one that was so simple, so pretty and beautiful and it kind of amazed me how he could get her so easily. "And no, I'm not going to talk you out of it."

  I turned my head. He was smiling, but my brother, the sap that he had always been, the only father figure I'd ever known, looked like he could burst at any moment. "Thanks for letting me come, letting me do this with you."

  I nodded. "There's no one else I would want to bring." I looked at the guy who had been hawk-eyeing us from the side since we came in and gave him a nod. "Can I see this one?"

  He pulled the one Mason pointed to. I slipped it on my pinkie and gave Mason a side glance. He shrugged. "You don't have to go with that one, but…"

  "It's perfect." It didn't even fit over my knuckle, but I knew it would fit her. Her other ring wouldn't fit over my pinkie knuckle either. That may have been a stupid way to gauge it, but I just felt it in my bones that it would fit. This was the ring. The stone was almost a light yellowish color.

  "It's a canary stone," the clerk informed. "Very popular this year."

  I scoffed under my breath. He was barking up the wrong tree with the "popular" approach.

  I looked at the price and it was little more than I had expected to pay, but I wanted it for her. It was her ring. I took out the only credit card I had to my name and smiled as I gave it to him, making my very first purchase on it. "I'll take it."

  He nodded. "Excellent choice. What color engagement box and wrapping would you like? We have maroon and black-"

  "Don't need one," I told him, "but thanks."

  I was doing this simple. After that, with the ring in my pocket, I was infatuated with the feel of it against my leg in my jeans. I showed Mason the coin I'd gotten her, the five-year sobriety coin and told him how I was going to propose to her with both of them together because from now on they went hand-in-hand—us, together, being clean.

  Once again, Mason would never really know what it was like to be an addict, but the way he was so open to understanding, the way he was so supportive and didn't pull the I understand what you're going through speech was awesome. He was just there. That's all I needed him to be.

  After that, we got coffee and donuts for everyone and went back to spend the rest of the night, our last night at my old apartment, with my family. Maya seemed peaceful in a way that was different than before. When I asked her what was up, she said that she was proud of me, and she knew starting over was going to be one of the best things she'd ever done for herself.

  She hadn't been wrong. Every day, it got easier for her. Every day, her smile got brighter. Eventually, she wasn't sad anymore and I felt like she was finally my happy girl again. Will was proud of her, I knew. There was no way he could look at the girl she was, all she'd been through, and not be.

  Now, Jackson entertained us for hours before Emma came and got him. Maya made this weird bubble noise that
would get his giggle going, and it was the most hilarious thing. It made me think about kids of our own one day. Yes, we wanted kids. We figured we'd wait a long, long while. We were in no rush. We had my brother and his wife—the baby makers—who were apparently on a roll anyway.

  After Emma picked him up, telling us that she'd see us later on tonight, Maya was in our room getting ready as I picked up the rest of the toys in the den. I found her leaning over the dresser trying to fasten a necklace. Her hands were shaking a little. I knew she was nervous about tonight and pressed my back to her front, taking the ends from her and putting my lips to her ear.

  "Need some help?" I whispered soothingly.

  "Mmhm," she hummed her acceptance and leaned back into me.

  "Don't be nervous, sweetheart." I fastened it and kept my hands on her shoulders, kissing the place where her neck met her shoulder. "You look beautiful, number one. Number two, everyone who loves you will be there. Number three, Will will be there, too, and he'll be watching and thinking how proud of you he is." Her hair was up in some twisty knot, exposing her long neck. I leaned in and kissed her skin in several spots. "Are you ready to go?"

  She turned in my arms and looked up at me, her face glowing in a way I hadn't noticed before. "I don't think I've really told you how happy I am here."

  "You are?" I asked, a million pounds lighter. That's what a man wants is to make his girl happy. I wanted to do that, but honestly didn't know if I was truly succeeding. She seemed happy, but I didn't know if she was just trying to be happy because she knew I was.

  "Yes. Very." She wrapped her arms around my neck. "Your family loves me the way mine used to." Her smile was widening the more she spoke. "It made me feel guilty at first, like I was replacing them, but I'm not. They would want me to be happy." She reached up on her tiptoes, but she didn't have to reach far, and right then I knew she was wearing some nice little high heels. I swallowed. "You make me happy," she said with certainty. "You make me feel the most normal I've felt since before my mom died. I didn't think I was ever going to get that back. I love you so much for coming into the meeting and being the one who tried to creep out halfway through." She smiled and bit her lip. "You changed my life that day."

  I shook my head. She was ruining my plans. If she didn't stop being so sweet, I was going to get on one knee right here, right now. "You changed my life that day. If you hadn't been there to stop me from walking out, I'm not sure I would have come back."

  She nodded with certainty. "You would have."

  "I love you." I lifted her chin and kissed her, just once so as not to ruin all the work she'd done to make herself so beautiful. "Still nervous?"

  "A little," she admitted honestly. We were always honest with each other. "But you make everything better."

  I couldn't help but sigh down to my core at that. I took her shawl off the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. It was a shame to cover her bare shoulders and the black dress she was wearing. I took her arm and placed it in mine.

  "All right, it's time."

  As we walked, I grabbed the keys and my wallet on the way out the door. We borrowed Emma's mom's SUV so we all could ride together. Some of Maya's friends from her old job were coming, but mostly it was a small affair.

  When Maya learned that Will had paid for the funeral, she started to wonder about how she had missed that amount of money. She knew the treatments cost a lot, so she called his doctors and the cancer center and finally, she got some answers. On one of the more middle visits, they told Will he was welcome to do treatments, but there was basically no chance of coming through. The cancer had spread too much, and it was best for him to spend the rest of his time living his life instead of being sick from the treatments.

  He never told Maya that.

  So, from the timeline of things we put together and what the cancer center told us, after that, instead of paying for the treatments, he paid for the funeral, and then when Maya thought he was going in for his treatments, because no one was allowed back with him, like the time I had taken him myself, he was actually going and hanging out with the older guys who were getting treatments or going and reading to the kids in the children's ward.

  Maya had been hysterical. With good reason. It was the second time in our life together that I stood there, looked at her, and knew that there was nothing else in her mind or thoughts but getting a drink, but getting something in her system, but finding somebody with some pills and getting some from them, anything. It hurt so bad to watch, but this was what it was to be an addict. My strong, brave Maya once again came out on the other side victorious with her four-year coin intact.

  She didn't even run away this time, and she didn't push me away, though I could tell she wanted to. That's what a relationship was. Push and pull, progress and moving forward together. The day would come again when I would want to run like I did on her that day at that meeting, and I knew in my soul that she'd be there for me.

  That was the best feeling in the world—knowing that no matter what happened, no matter how hard or how far we fell, the one we love would be there to make sure we got back up.

  So, there we were, Mason, Emma, baby Jackson, Mamma, and the nurse, all piled in the car to head to the section of the library that they were dedicating to Will. When they found out what he had done and why he was at the hospital all the time, not just to spend time there, but to give his sister hope to the very end, they said they wanted to do it.

  At the dedication, they wanted some of the kids to read the last book Will was reading to them in turns at the dedication. Maya said she was going to lose it and bawl like a crazy person. That was probably true, but I told her people expected her to lose it, and it was going to be okay.

  Maya played with Jackson almost the entire way there and I knew she was distracting herself. So I did my bubbles and made him giggle extra hard for her. She looked at me gratefully and mouthed, 'I love you.'

  'I love you more,' I mouthed back.

  "And then the llama jumped up and down and said, 'If you can do it, I can do it, too!' The end."

  Maya wiped her eyes and clapped, but I couldn't take my hands from around her to do so. I stood behind her and held on to her so she'd know that she wasn't ever going to be alone again. I got to keep my promise to Will. And Will was here, too. He was everywhere. He was in the kids' smiles, the patients he came and cut the fool with, played cards with. You would think cancer patients would be sad or bitter, but no. Most of them seemed to be like Will—thankful to have had the life they had at all.

  Nine kids got up and read nine chapters of the last book that Will went around to read to them on his last trip to the hospital. My and Will's trip. The fast food trip, my and Maya's first fight. I felt kind of like I cheated her out of that last trip, but she said she was glad I got to spend time with him.

  That trip changed things in some ways.

  Afterward the reading, she talked to some of the kids and a few of the older guys, but mostly spent her time trying not to cry.

  When the time came for her to go up on stage for the dedication, I gripped her hand and lifted her chin. She was shaking so badly. "Sweetheart, look at me."

  "Will didn't trust me not to stay clean. That's why he didn't tell me the treatments wouldn’t work," she whispered, her voice low, her eyes still cast down.

  "Look at me," I said more forcefully. She did reluctantly. "He didn't tell you because he loved you." Her chest shook once. "He wanted you two to spend the last little bit of time you had together just being happy, being hopeful. He knew you, baby. He knew you loved him and he knew how sad you'd be. He just wanted to protect you from that for as long as he could."

  "He could have told me."

  "Big brothers protect their little sisters."

  "Didn't he think it would be harder for me when the treatments didn't work?"

  "Was it?" I asked honestly. "Was it better to have tried and for him to have lost than to have not tried at all? He did some of the treatments. The docto
r told you he did do several rounds before they told him it wasn't working. He tried for you. And instead of just giving up and being sad, he kept coming here and tried to give a little hope to others because he knew what it was like to hope." I moved my hands up to her cheeks that were now wet, but she didn't seem so sad now. "He knew you'd be okay."

  "Because of you," she murmured.

  "What?"

  "He knew I'd be okay because of you." I squinted. "I heard you telling Mason what Will told you. That Will made you promise."

  My lips parted. She heard that? She leaned up and kissed my cheek. "It's okay." She smiled. "If my brother approved of you, who am I to argue?"

  She took a deep breath and wiped her face with the side of her hand. I pulled the white hanky I brought for this out of my inside pocket. She looked like she could swoon on the spot as she took it. "I came prepared," I told her.

  "Thanks," she whispered and dabbed at her eyes at an attempt to keep her makeup intact. When she was satisfied, she gave me one final look before making her way up front. There were about forty people there total, but that was enough to make my girl nervous. The fact that her eyes kept drifting back to find me—as if I were her anchor in the world—was a privilege I didn't even know how to be grateful for. But God, thank you, I'd take it.

  I'd even gotten Joey to come by threatening to de-friend her. I wasn't serious, but sometimes my shallow, self absorbed friend who went so out of her way to help me way back when, forgot how to be a friend to others.

  She and her boss-slash-boyfriend who was way too old for her, stood next to me and we listened as Maya thanked everyone for coming, the kids for reading the story, the guys for telling us how much her brother helped them through their rough patches. There were parts she barely got through, but the point was she got through them.

  And she would continue to get through things, and hopefully, she would want me around with her.