Girl In The Mirror (Looking Glass Book 1)

  “Can you just please tell him I called and to call me back?”

  I gave him my number and hung up. My hands actually shook as I put the phone down. What was it about Nicolas that had this effect on me?

  That was two weeks ago. I’d since called back twice, and both times they took my messages, but he never called back.

  After two more nightmares like the one I had two days after my encounter with Nicolas, Mama and I had a talk. The dreams had been similar to the first. The conversation varied each time, but each time Nicolas rejected me and Ryan pulled me away forcefully. I didn’t know what to make of the immeasurable pain I felt each time. After calling him and him never responding to my messages, the pain felt even more excruciating.

  Mama had just woken me from my latest nightmare, and after I’d calmed and once again lied about not remembering the dream, she said we needed to talk. Like the first one, this nightmare had been in the day, and I’d slept nearly twelve hours again.

  “Darling, I don’t wanna be insensitive,” she’d started. “I’ve just been thinking. These dreams started after your visit to Huntsville. After Nicolas. I’ve noticed a change in you since then. You’ve been so distant lately. Half the time I’m talking to you, your mind seems to be somewhere else. Have you still been trying to track him down?’

  “No,” I said too quickly, so I backpedaled. “I stopped just a few days after we lost the card. It was making me crazy, and, yes, I can’t help thinking about him still, but I really don’t think there’s a point in me trying to track him down anymore.”

  “Good,” she said, searching my eyes, and I couldn’t tell if she believed me or not. “I know how important it is for you to remember more about your past, but maybe you should take a little break from it for now? You said seeing the therapist had really helped you with coping and accepting the possibility that your past may be gone forever. Maybe you should start seeing one again. I feel so responsible for you . . . I don’t know, going backwards? If I hadn’t lost that damn card, maybe you could’ve just called that boy and gotten some closure. I hate to see you suffer, and, honey, you scream bloody murder when you have these dreams. It breaks my heart to know you’re dealing with something so upsetting.”

  As much as I wanted to argue, I knew she had a point. I’d called Nicolas three times now even tried calling Mouth, but apparently neither had any desire or even curiosity to know what I wanted to talk to them about. The love of his life was gone, and he had no interest in talking to her sister?

  Whatever the reason, I felt something when looking at Mouth too; it had been almost seven years. He was likely in a relationship now too. Even Nicolas was in one. While he said he’d never get over Madeline, he’d had no choice but to move on. Maybe I should too.

  Feeling my eyes well up with warm tears, I nodded. “I think you’re right. I’ll call the therapist tomorrow and make an appointment.”

  Mama smiled, taking a deep breath then exhaling before embracing me in a tight hug. “You’re gonna get past this, Maggie. We’ll do this together.”

  I nodded, wanting so badly to believe her because, even though I still didn’t understand why I’d hurt so much over Nicolas’s rejection, it was what hurt most now. I couldn’t be sure, but my gut said it was triggering the agonizing nightmares.

  The therapy was helping. I shared with my therapist all that I felt when I’d seen Nicolas and his brother for the first time and each time I’d seen their photos online. I told her about the agonizing pain I’d felt each time I’d dreamed about Nicolas. I also told her about how I’d called them and neither ever returned my calls.

  “I don’t know about his brother. But you said Nicolas had been equally stunned when he saw you, Maggie. Did you ever stop to think he’d been forced to relive the agony of losing Madeline all over again when he saw you after all these years? If you and your sister are really that identical, then seeing you must’ve felt like seeing a ghost to him. That couldn’t have been easy for him. It could be why he’s avoiding any contact with you now—maybe even asked his brother to do the same.”

  Or it could be what had crossed my mind several times since I first realized he was in no hurry to call me back. That Mama had gotten to him or even Mouth first. Maybe she asked them not to stay in contact with me. There was so much about my past I didn’t know. There could be many reasons that would be good enough for him and his brother to agree with Mama.

  “I just don’t understand why it’s so emotional for me.”

  I told her about my fear that maybe I’d secretly been in love with Nicolas. That maybe I’d even done more with him and maybe Mama knew about it. But each time I began to think it, I’d remember the way he’d said he’d never get over her. Why would a guy who was obviously so in love with Madeline cheat on her with her own sister?

  The therapist said, as close a bond as twins have, it could just be possible that I was feeling jealous on my sister’s behalf. If she really had kept the relationship a secret, I was probably the only one with whom she’d shared the depth of her feelings for him. Maybe that’s why it hurt to see him with someone else.

  That made sense, but I was still so confused about everything else. It didn’t make sense, and no matter what he looked like, no matter what Mama said, I felt it in his gaze, felt it in my soul. Nicolas was a good guy. I just didn’t get now why he wouldn’t call me back when he practically pleaded for me to keep in touch. If his seeing me after all this time had been so agonizing for him, why would he ask me to keep in touch?

  Nothing made sense.

  One night during my lunch break, Clarisse walked into the cafeteria. She smiled immediately when she saw me. I waved her over, and after she paid for her lunch she came and sat with me.

  “How much time do you still have?”

  “I just clocked out for lunch,” I said, setting my tray aside. “I wasn’t very hungry, so I just had a banana and some juice and did some reading, but I’m glad you’re here.”

  I fidgeted with my box of orange juice as I told her about my latest visit with my therapist. Then she asked about Mouth and Nicolas, if I’d tried calling them again. It’d been weeks since the last time I tried, and neither had returned any of my calls. Clarisse was in full agreement that they were definitely a huge part of my past. She’d seen firsthand his reaction to seeing me.

  Talking to Clarisse about this was better than talking about it to my therapist. The girl loved to dissect every little thing, so she made me feel less obsessive.

  “So, when are you calling them back again?”

  “What?” I asked, peering at her uncomfortably. “I wasn’t planning to. It’s obvious they don’t want to talk to me and—”

  “Are you kidding me? You can’t give up, not after how far you’ve come. You have to keep trying.”

  I shook my head, not even wanting to consider it. “What good would it do me, Clarisse? Even if either do answer the phone, I wouldn’t know it, and they’ll just say they’re not around.”

  “Well, then you talk to whoever answers and ask him why he think Nicolas is not calling back. If things between your sister and him were really that serious, you had to have had some kind of relationship with him and his brothers.”

  “The thought has crossed my mind to do that. If I did do any sneaking around with Madeline and Nicolas, then I’d likely been around his brothers a lot. They probably know exactly why he’s avoiding me.”

  Clarisse chewed her bottom lip with an evil smile. “How exciting would that be if you actually did have some kind of relationship with one of his hot brothers. Tattooed sexy bad boy bikers. Yum.”

  I swallowed hard, taking in everything she’d just said. If any of it was true, that would mean any of his brothers I might’ve had a relationship with had to be aware he’d run into me. They had to have at least made the connection about Maggie leaving multiple messages for him. If anything, they knew for sure I’d survived the crash, and had never come looking for me. That just proved that whatever rela
tionship I may have had with any of them couldn’t have been as significant as Nicolas and Madeline’s.

  Our lunch hour had flown by, and I was secretly relieved it was over. Clarisse’s idea of me not giving up was one I wasn’t sure I agreed with. Though the more she insisted, the more my heart wanted to consider it. Oh, who was I kidding? I’d been fighting the urge to call again for days.

  That morning after my shift was over and I walked to my car still consumed with thoughts of Nicolas and his brother, Clarisse caught up to me in the parking lot. She was smiling a little too giddy even for her. “I was thinking about it. Why don’t you and I take another road trip, one to this guy’s motorcycle shop? It’s in Radcliffe, right? That’s what? Two hours from here? You said you’re off tomorrow. So am I. We can make a day of it. I can tell you more about the new asshole I met a few weeks ago. You might feel better about your situation. I mean I know you’re fine with your relationship with Ryan being over now, but this mystery is just too juicy to let go, Maggie. I don’t know how you haven’t driven out there already.”

  I frowned, shaking my head. “Believe me. It’s crossed my mind, but he doesn’t even want to talk to me. Why would I show up uninvited?”

  “Because you have to get to the bottom of this. I know your mom prefers that you not obsess so much about this, but that’s easier said than done. She’s not the one with the aching heart and gut feeling that there’s more to this. Or maybe,” she said, lifting a brow. “Maybe your mom doesn’t want you getting to the bottom of it.”

  I’d had an inkling from the first day I’d asked Mama about Nicolas that she had her reservations about him. And I had no intention of keeping it from her if I did stay in touch with him. Even Mama had said it. I was a grown-ass woman. But I’d already discussed this with Clarisse and she agreed. Somehow it felt safer not to tell her much until I found out more.

  Clarisse nudged me and I realized I’d zoned out, something I did often lately. “Let’s do this,” she said anxiously. “You can tell your mom you’re driving out with me to Bradbury so I can see my grandma. It’s halfway there, so we’ll actually stop and see her. This way you don’t feel too deceitful. You’d just be leaving out our second stop.”

  I had no idea what I’d say to him if I did see him again, but something told me I had to. Taking a deep breath, I smiled. “Okay,” I said as my heart spiked.

  I was driving out to see him tomorrow, and it scared me to death. But at the same time my heart was already swelling with anticipation from just the thought.

  Chapter 11

  Mama had been so consumed these last couple of weeks with work and the new man in her life she’d barely reacted to my telling her I’d be gone all day.

  Since Mama knew my last road trip with Clarisse ended with me in Huntsville, my sneaky friend who was loving the sleuthing suggested something. “I say we take my car just in case by any chance your mom decides to look at your odometer. She’d see how many miles we’d really done.”

  I hadn’t even thought that far ahead; though I assured her my mother hadn’t been the least bit concerned about the trip. As promised, I was once again treated to more of Clarisse’s storytelling. She was beginning to know me too well. My angst about this trip was so telling I was sure it was why she chose to not talk about Nicolas and his brothers as we had all the way home from Huntsville on our last road trip.

  “I have the absolute worst luck when it comes to guys. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the asinine texts I’ve sent some of them because I don’t bother to check if auto correct screwed me over again.”

  I laughed, just imagining. She’d sent me some doozies in the past. “Like what?”

  “Like the time the hot trainer down at the gym worked me out then later texted me to ask how I was feeling, and I wrote back that I was good just had some general soreness.”

  I was already laughing and didn’t even know what the mistake was. She laughed too, covering her face when we came to a stop. “I checked his response and he was like, well, that’s odd, and then to my horror, I read what I’d sent: Genital soreness.”

  I spit out the soda I’d just taken a sip of and laughed out loud. “Oh, my God!” I said, shaking my head.

  “I was mortified, but that’s not even the worst one.” Already, I couldn’t stop laughing, but she went on. “This other guy texts me one night while I was working. He knew I worked nights and he couldn’t sleep, so I told him I could chat via texts but I’d be slow to respond when I was busy. So, we weren’t really busy, and we started chatting about music and whatnot. What we like. I told him not to hate me but that I’d been really into and digging Nickleback lately. Then I added, the older ones.”

  She started giggling, and I was still laughing about the first one, so I could just imagine. “I got busy and wasn’t able to read his response for a while. When I finally did, I read his two responses. The first one said, ‘Really?’ all in capital letters with extra question marks, and he added this big stunned emoji face. So, I’m thinking okay, he’s just another Nickleback hater, right? Then I read the next one and he says, ‘so you have access to them there at the hospital? And you like the older ones?’ Again, with all these question marks.”

  Clarisse was laughing so much now I was laughing too and still had no idea what she’d really texted him. “I scroll up to see what I sent: ‘Don’t hate me, but lately I’ve been really into and digging necrophilia.’”

  This time I’d made sure not to drink anything until she finished, and thank God because I was already laughing hysterically. Then she added with a wail, “The older ones!”

  We laughed the whole way to her grandma’s house. I told her she’d forever be my friend: Clarisse the one that likes having sex with corpses. The older ones. I was glad we’d get a chance to stop before heading the rest of the way to Radcliffe. I’d laughed so much I was going to have to touch up my makeup.

  We stopped to visit her grandma, who was just adorable. She knew we were coming and made us lunch. We hung out for a little after eating until Clarisse informed her we had an errand we had to run in Radcliffe still an hour away.

  Instantly, my insides were going nuts again. Clarisse already knew what my triggers were like from the day at the cemetery, but I reminded her again.

  “If you notice me get a little breathless, don’t panic. Just remind me it’ll pass soon enough.”

  “Got it,” she said then smiled big, practically dancing in her seat. “This is so exciting. I can hardly wait to see him again and his hunky brothers in person.”

  Clarisse had since looked up the shop online and had plenty to say about how damned good-looking they all were. She agreed about the photos not doing their eyes any justice.

  “All I can say is, damn girl. If it does turn out one of these guys is your ex, I totally get why your heart’s been so crazy all these years. Of course, you’d be yearning to get back to one of those hot things.”

  I smiled nervously, glancing out the window, wishing we could go back to our laughing mood. This had the potential to get so complicated. The thought had occurred to me that maybe one of his brothers had broken my heart. Maybe it was what Mama was trying to protect me from. If I’d had an intense connection like the one my heart indicated I might’ve with any of them, it obviously hadn’t been a requited one since they knew I’d survived and no one had ever come looking for me.

  “This is it,” Clarisse said, taking the exit off the highway. “According to my phone, we’ll reach our destination in less than five minutes.”

  She smiled big again, but my stomach was one big ball of nerves. My heart was already doing the swelling thing, and I was terrified of what I might find out today. Would he be angry to see me?

  Suddenly, I was having second thoughts. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

  “No way,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re not getting cold feet now. You have to do this, Maggie. Look at it like an adventure. This isn’t even about me, and I’m all excited
. You should be too. What’s the worst thing that can happen?”

  I groaned, letting my head fall back. “Famous last words.”

  Clarisse laughed. “You’re gonna be fine. I’ll be there next to you the whole time. Probably drooling,” she added with a giggle. “But I’ll be there nonetheless.”

  We drove into the parking lot, and already I felt breathless. I flipped the visor down to get a final look at myself in the mirror and noticed how uncontrollably my hands shook. What the hell was wrong with me? Seeing the Harleys parked outside the shop had me nearly hyperventilating.

  “Is it happening?” Clarisse asked, staring at me wide-eyed. “Is this one of your spazzes.”

  “Triggers,” I corrected, trying to catch my breath. “And no. This is a different kind of freak out I’ve never had before. But I’m so over this. So over not knowing why.” I reached for the door handle, feeling a strength I hadn’t felt this entire time when it came to all this. “Let’s do this.”

  I really was over it. I wasn’t leaving today without some answers. I took a deep breath before opening the door to the shop. The moment I walked in, I saw them behind the counter: Nicolas and one of his brothers. I still wasn’t sure which was Joaquin and which was Xavier. The photo on the website didn’t clarify who was who. His brother glanced up first then Nicolas, and our eyes met.

  Poof!

  Poof!

  Poof!

  I held onto Clarisse. The flashes were brighter than when I’d first seen him at the cemetery. Only this time they weren’t the same. This one was of Nicolas and Madeline on his Harley, smiling as they rode . . . “On the open road.” I gasped.

  “Now it’s happening, right?” Clarisse whispered, holding my arm firmly.

  “God, yes,” I said, barely able to catch my breath.

  “It’ll pass soon,” Clarisse reminded me in a whisper. “Just breathe.”

  Like at the cemetery, Nicolas gazed at me with that look of awe. He really did appear to be seeing a ghost. So did his brother. I couldn’t believe now that I’d never thought of that until my therapist suggested it. No one else was in the shop, so we all stood there staring at each other in silence.