With This Heart

  “ Sorry that I woke you up!” I exclaimed into the phone before he had a chance to groan at how early it was. “I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t sleep and so I left my house earlier than I had planned, and there was no traffic.”

  “ What are you talking about?” Beck laughed, but his voice still held tones of sleepiness.

  “ Come outside after you put some clothes on.”

  “ How did you know I wasn’t wearing clothes?”

  My cheeks reddened at the thought. “You told me you slept in your boxers usually and I was guessing, but wow…now that I know that you’re naked...”

  “ Did you call me at seven to have phone sex?”

  I laughed an embarrassing laugh to cover up how much his question flustered me.

  “ I’ll be out in a second,” he answered, and then hung up.

  I scrambled out of the car and set up the speakers so that they would face his apartment building, then got ready so I could press play on the iPod as soon as I saw him. My heart raced. I was so nervous; I was putting my feelings on the line and if Beck laughed or thought I was a cheesy dork, I wasn’t sure how well I’d take it.

  There was a thumping of feet on the stairs and I peered up to see him making his way toward the first-floor landing. I panicked and hit play as quickly as I could. John Denver’s guitar started streaming through the speakers followed swiftly by his soft melody. I reached over and turned the speakers up high right as Beck rounded the staircase and came into view.

  His dark hair was disheveled and curling at the ends even more than usual. He’d thrown on a white t-shirt and workout shorts that hugged his solid frame. Once his eyes locked onto me, he dropped his gaze to my jean cut-offs and took his time taking me in. He grinned and his smile momentarily stunned me. There was something about him that seemed different as he stepped closer to me. He was more confident, more in control of his next step. The song kicked up another notch and Beck’s eyes flitted to the speakers resting on my hood. John Denver was in the middle of singing about saying goodbye.

  “ Are you about to leave without me?” he asked, turning back to me with a sexy half-smile.

  I wouldn’t make it two miles without him in the Camper with me. “No. I just think we started our last road trip off on the wrong foot,” I shrugged, and crossed my arms to wait for his next move.

  “ So now you respect the power of John Denver?” he asked, stepping another inch toward me. I caught a whiff of his shampoo. He must have showered right before going to bed. I stared hard at his white t-shirt, willing him to close the remaining gap between us.

  “ Maybe I do…”

  I caught a glimpse of his smirk before he enveloped me in his arms and picked me up. We were standing in the parking lot of his apartment complex with his hands wrapped tightly around my waist. My hands clasped around his neck and my feet hung a foot above the ground.

  “ Hi,” I said, looking into his eyes and trying hard not to smile like a buffoon.

  “ When do we leave?” he asked. He was fighting a smile as well and I thought it was so silly that we were attempting to play our attraction off as anything less than clothes-tearing, soul-stealing, gut-wrenching madness.

  “ Right now.”

  “ Now?” he asked, quirking his eyebrows.

  “ Well, after you pack and go pee,” I smirked.

  “ Ohh, are you not going to make any stops for me?”

  “ Depends on how good you are at begging…” My cheeks flushed after those words slipped out. I was not a flirt, and the fact that my brain seemed to momentarily forget that had my cheeks burning bright red. “Um, you’re still holding me, you know,” I muttered quickly, trying to change the subject.

  “ You’re such a romantic, Abby,” Beck began, completely ignoring my embarrassment, or maybe he was trying to rub it in. “You drove to my house and played me a song. That is straight out of an 80’s movie. You love me, don’t you? Oh my god, Abby Mae McAllister, you can hardly keep your hands off me!” He swayed his hips so that my body swung back and forth like a pendulum in his arms.

  I squirmed, trying to make him let me go. “Beck! You’re being ridiculous. Don’t read into it! It was more about John Denver than you anyway.” God, my face was about to explode I was blushing so much. I didn’t love him, or maybe I did, but I just couldn’t stand him looking at me like that. His hazel eyes were masked with amusement, but beneath that was a deeply sweet guy staring straight into my soul.

  “ Are you going to let me down now?” I asked, finally relenting and going limp in his arms.

  He narrowed his eyes on me for a moment and then leaned forward to give me a sweet kiss. It felt funny not having to arch my neck to reach his mouth for once. With him holding me, our heights were perfectly matched. Our lips were aligned and my arms grasped his neck, right under his hair line, pulling his face toward me even more. I think in the beginning that kiss was meant to be sweet and playful, but our mouths had ulterior motives.

  Beck pressed my body against his as hard as he could without hurting me. My breasts were pressed against his chest, and before I knew what I was doing, I wrapped my legs around his waist. His hand found the hem of my jean shorts. We were in public, in broad day-light, yet Beck’s fingers still slid past my hem, skating across areas that made me moan into his mouth.

  I was lost in the moment, not realizing what a few days apart from him would do to my body. Every part of me craved to be closer to him. Straddling him in the parking lot wasn’t cutting it.

  “ Beck,” I mumbled, breaking our kiss.

  “ Abby,” he answered with a heavy breath. His athletic shorts were thin and I could feel him against my jean shorts.

  “ Let’s go up to your apartment…” I suggested, embracing the moment for what it was. There was no argument from him. In a quick flourish of movement, he set me back onto the ground, took my iPod, and grabbed my hand to tug me upstairs. I ran after him, clicking the button to lock my car at the last moment before we started running up his stairs.

  We crashed into his apartment. I tugged everything out of his hands and tossed it onto his couch for safe keeping. He tugged his white t-shirt over his head and then grabbed me with every ounce of conviction in his body.

  “ Beck!” I squealed as he gripped my hips and pressed me back against his living-room wall. I guess we weren’t making it to his bedroom this time. I was gripping his hair so hard I expected him to yelp. He unbuttoned my jean shorts and let them slide down my legs toward the ground. I owned a singular pair of sexy underwear and I knew I’d made the right decision putting them on that morning. They were pink and lacy where they hit the top of my thighs.

  “ You need to stop me now if you want this another way, Abby. We can go into my bedroom and take it slow. I don’t want you to regret—”

  I grasped his face and shoved my tongue into his mouth to break off his statement. I didn’t want it slow and sweet. My body needed Beck more than I’ve ever needed anything else. The last few days had been a living hell and being there with Beck felt like I was putting a healing salve on my heart. At the heart of everything, I just needed him to take me against the wall of his living room and make me feel more than I’d ever dared imagine.

  My hands found his shorts and I pressed them down so that he was left in his boxers. He groaned, deep and husky, into my mouth as my fingers brushed against him through the material. I wanted him so badly that I thought I might tear his boxers off with my hands. But I wasn’t a cave woman and I’d probably end up trying and failing, thus looking like an idiot. He tugged off my shirt and bra, leaving us pressed against his wall in our underwear.

  My heart skidded to a stop and then it picked up beating twice as fast as I realized how close we were to the final act. I pressed my hands against his chest and pushed him away from me gently. I didn’t want him to stop; I just needed one moment to savor the flavor. It was the feeling you get when
you cut a big piece of chocolate cake and you know your taste buds are about to be overloaded with decadent sweetness. I just needed to look at him and let the moment sink in so that I could enjoy every single bite.

  His hazel eyes were dark and sexy. His hair was tousled from my hands. His chest was just as I remembered from watching him swim: tan and toned with just the right amount of six pack hardening his entire appearance. There was a story behind his smile as his eyes met mine. He was thinking thoughts I wished desperately to know.

  “ You’re so beautiful,” he told me.

  “ You haven’t even seen the best part,” I joked.

  His hazel eyes turned a shade darker as he stared toward me. “I’ve already tasted it, Abby.” Visions of us in the back of the Camper swept through my mind, turning my desire up another notch. I stood there in a daze as he bolted from the room, only to return a second later with a condom in his hand.

  “ Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?” I teased as he stepped closer to me.

  “ Am I?” he dared, kissing my neck.

  “ No,” I murmured.

  Our eyes locked as he trailed his hand down my stomach while the other rested against the wall beside my head. He had me trapped in the best possible way and I felt my insides quiver as his fingers trailed over my belly button down to the bottom of my stomach. That skin was so sensitive; it wasn’t accustomed to being touched by seductive fingers.

  “ Beck, have you had sex before?” I asked, not even realizing the question was brewing in my mind until I heard the words pass between us.

  His lip curled up on the edge. “Yes, Abby.”

  Now that the knowledge was out there, my mind was brimming with questions.

  “ Were they with pretty girls or just girls you met at a party?” I asked, needing to know everything. “Were you dating them?”

  His finger trailed along the top of my underwear, pulling the fabric a centimeter away from my skin so that his finger could replace it. I felt my stomach quiver with desire even as I waited for him to answer.

  “ I hooked up with a few girls that didn’t mean anything, and I’ve had sex with girlfriends before. I always used protection, and no, I never loved any of them.” That answer shocked me. He didn’t love them? How is that possible? With that many girls, I would’ve thought at least one would have wormed her way into his heart like I was trying desperately to do.

  “ None of them?” I asked while arching my back so that he could have easier access to the edge of my underwear. He grinned in acknowledgment of what I was doing.

  “ No,” he shrugged, obviously wanting the conversation to move onto more pertinent things.

  “ I don’t love you,” I blurted, because I felt like I did and I needed to feel like I had control of the situation again. He was pushing me toward a precipice and it felt like he knew what I felt before I’d even acknowledged it. It wasn’t fair and I needed him to know that he didn’t hold all the cards.

  “ Are you sure?” he asked before stealing a kiss. My eyes fluttered closed. Had his mouth not been stealing every ounce of will power from my body, I would have grinned at his cheesy confidence. It was like he wanted me to love him. He was daring me to let myself fall, and for a brief moment, I decided that I would accept his challenge. Bring it on, Beck .

  My hands pushed his boxers down and a moment later my underwear was following their descent. We were beautifully naked and I tried hard not to feel self-conscious. I let his skin consume mine and I let him press me back against the living room wall once again. Except this time he didn’t trap me with his hands. He trailed kisses down my neck, down my stomach, taking each breast into his mouth and swirling his tongue around my nipples. I arched into his mouth. He kissed down my stomach, licking a trail over my flushed skin. He continued his descent until he was on his knees, looking up at me with a cheeky grin.

  “ I think this is my favorite angle of you.” He smirked and I tried to imagine what he saw. His face was right at the base of my stomach. His gaze sloped up my stomach and my breasts. My wild strawberry-blonde hair was fanned out around my face as I stared down at him.

  Then I watched as he dipped his head and licked me there once, slowly, ending right before he reached the spot where I needed him the most. My mouth fell open as I watched him trace along my sensitive flesh. Holy. Then he held my eye contact as he dipped his tongue lower. Meeting his eyes felt like another dare. He looked sinful and confident and I didn’t blink once.

  I stared down at him, pushing my tongue to the bridge of my mouth whenever he circled closer to a sensitive part. Tingles spread from where his tongue met my skin. My hands fell back against the wall, trying in vain to grasp the flat surface. He finally flicked his tongue across my clit, slowly and teasingly, making sure I was more than ready for him to enter me. I needed something to balance it out, but I couldn’t find anything. My knees started to buckle and Beck paused to look up at me with a cocky grin.

  “ Beck!” I moaned, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes, unsure of what I needed. I didn’t want his mouth to budge, but I wanted to dig my heels into his back as he pushed me against the wall. I wanted to experience the life that Caroline never did. I couldn’t waste the moment life had presented for me on a silver platter.

  I heard a crinkle of paper and dropped my hands to see Beck rolling the condom onto himself. His abs flexed as he bent forward to slide it on and I gawked like a fool. It was the sexiest and most terrifying thing I’d ever seen. I had no clue what I’d actually agreed to, and now that it was about to happen, fear spiked my blood and turned my heart rate up another notch.

  “ Beck, this is going to hurt, I know it is,” I rambled with shaky hands. “Crap.” Then I started laughing because I said crap right before I was about to lose my virginity. I thought it was supposed to be more romantic than that and I was ruining it. I tried to shake out my nerves, but it didn’t help. I couldn’t get out of my own brain.

  Before I knew what was happening, Beck had his hands around my body and was carrying me away from our pile of clothes. Our naked bodies pressed together as he dragged me through a doorway and playfully tossed me back onto his bed. My head fell onto a sea of pillows and my smile was too wide to contain. A fresh clean laundry scent swirled around me.

  “ We’re going to do this the slow and easy way, Abby. I’m not going to take you against the wall when you’re shaking.” I couldn’t argue with that. My playful, goofy Beck had left the building entirely. This Beck looked like he was about to attack me and I gulped, staring up into his dark hazel eyes.

  He was still hard, wearing the condom proudly as he dipped lower to crawl over me. Each touch of his skin meeting mine completed the current of electricity running between us and I could feel our skin crackle. His chest hit my legs, his mouth found my hip bone and my lower belly. His lips teased every nerve ending they touched. My hands clawed his sheets. I didn’t even register the color of his bedding or the details of his room. All of that existed on the fringe, in the periphery of my consciousness.

  His hand trailed up my thigh, and his finger sunk into me, testing how ready I was. It was such a sexy move, but it also scared the crap out of me.

  “ Uh, Beck,” I murmured, and he looked up to meet my eyes. “I’m excited…I really am, but I also feel like I might cry or puke or something.” My lips twisted into a playful frown.

  It wasn’t about being ready. I was more than ready, and I was confident in my decision to lose my virginity, but my brain wouldn’t shut up. I couldn’t just live in the moment.

  His features relaxed instantly and his once dark hazel eyes lightened to their usual luster. “I think we’re being too serious about it.”

  “ Maybe so…I mean I know your penis is meant to fit inside of me, but it just looks really… big .”

  He barked out a laugh and let his forehead fall onto mine. “It will fit, Abby.”

&nbs
p; “ Are you calling me loose?” I laughed.

  He pecked my lips. “You’re so ridiculous.”

  When he rested his forehead against mine his body had shifted over me. We were perfectly aligned. His hips were pressing mine down into the bed so seductively. His mouth captured mine so that his tongue and hips moved in the same rhythm. He was driving me insane.

  “ Okay, okay, I want you to do it. Please.” My breathing picked up and I could feel my heart thumping against his chest.

  He grinned down at me. His eyes held mine in a sweet exchange as he reached between our two bodies and worked the head of his penis inside of me. It felt foreign and much, much too big, but then I realized I was clenching every muscle in my body, including my jaw.

  Beck held up his weight, but let his mouth fall against my ear. “Relax, Abby. Relax.” His words were soft and sweet and I found myself heeding his instructions. I took a deep breath and he pressed into me another centimeter. One more deep breath.

  It hurt like hell. Television and movies have it completely fucking wrong. It felt like my skin was tearing and I couldn’t breathe. I could only concentrate on the excruciating pain.

  “ Beck, I don’t know. I don’t know,” I kept repeating because I didn’t know what was supposed to happen. It didn’t feel good and I knew it was a vicious cycle. The pain made me tense up more and then the less relaxed I became, the more it hurt.

  “ Abby,” Beck whispered into my ear, shushing me and calming my erratic heart. “Stay with me, Abby. Relax and breathe. Your body is ready. There’s lube on the condom, but you have to relax.”

  I was about to argue and tell him how badly it was hurting, but then I took a deep breath, and in that moment the pain seemed to lessen. He was more than halfway inside of me and the worst of it was over. Each passing breath took with it the remnants of the pain. Beck kissed my neck and coaxed my hips wider apart and circled his fingers over me a few millimeters above where he was penetrating me. It was like a whole new world of pleasure unfurled before me. He was reminding me of why we were doing this in the first place. The feel of his fingers rubbing me as he slid into me hit me like a bolt of lightning and I moaned his name. Loud and unrestrained.