With This Heart

  I threw my head back and cracked up. “Wait, where is the alliteration?”

  Beck nodded and quickly made amends. “Cynical Girl Cuts-down Cute…”

  “ Cunt,” I interjected.

  “ That.” He pointed the rim of his beer toward me and narrowed his eyes. “Look at that. Very creative, Ms. Mae. Would have loved to have you on my UIL team.”

  “ So did you win?” I asked with a hidden smile.

  “ What a Boar! Slumbering Swine Snoozes, Loses State Championship,” he recited animatedly, swiping his hand across the air as if reading off a marquee. You would have thought the competition had taken place earlier that morning rather than four years prior.

  I couldn’t stop laughing. It was just too much. “You won with that?”

  “ Women threw their underwear on stage when I recited that headline.” He grinned, sipping his beer.

  “ Spare me.”

  “ What did you do in high school?” he asked as I reached for the first newsletter.

  “ Nothing,” I answered.

  “ Nothing?” he rubbed his chin.

  “ No. My parents pulled me out when I was a junior. When it looked like I wouldn’t get the transplant,” I clarified, remembering how somber my timeline had looked then. “Before that I wasn’t really involved in anything.” I shrugged and started flipping through the newsletter. Beck took a different one and we started working in silence, scouring the pages for any mention of Colby’s name.

  I kept flipping through, seeing one cliché small town thing after another: Bake Sale, Founder’s Day carnivals, Town Hall meetings. Then finally I saw a tiny section of sports that covered everything from Odessa elementary to Odessa High School. There was a tiny, grainy photo at the bottom of the page that looked like an action shot from a basketball game. I skimmed the article underneath until I found his name. “ Colby Brubaker leads varsity basketball team to winning season.” To my dismay, i t was impossible to discern which of the tiny pixilated bodies was his in the photo.

  “ This one mentions his basketball achievements. I guess he was pretty good.” I pointed to the article so that Beck could read it as well. I couldn’t help but wonder how he died. He seemed like a really healthy kid.

  Beck nodded, pressing his finger down to mark a spot on the newsletter. “I found something about his work with the National Honor Society. Apparently he set up a blood drive for the high school three years in a row.”

  I nodded appreciatively and grabbed the newsletter in the center. This is what I wanted. I wanted Colby to be a quasi-super hero, right? But to be honest, in that moment, when I found out that Colby was, in fact, a much better contributor to society than I could ever hope to be, I felt like shit. It was the same feeling that washed over me when I found out Caroline had died. If given a vote, would people have chosen Colby’s life over mine?

  My hands fell to my lap and I stared down at where they rested on top of my blue sundress. I picked the chipping red polish off my thumb nail, contemplating the peacefulness that comes with defeat. I could let a ghost haunt my life forever, or I could make the decision to carry him with me, not as a burden, but as a talisman.

  I didn’t bother reading about how Colby died. Two minutes prior, I would’ve done anything to know the details of his life, but now? Now there was no point in dwelling on the fact that this poor guy had passed away. I needed to use his heart the way he would’ve wanted it to be used.

  Without consulting Beck, I slid out of the booth and hunted down a bartender.

  “ Do you guys do karaoke here?” I asked with a shaky voice. My hand was fidgeting with the hem of my dress as I attempted to meet his dark beady eyes.

  The old, burly man eyed me skeptically. “Does it look like we do karaoke here, lady?”

  I couldn’t argue with that. The bar was filled with tired, sunburned patrons, trying to take a load off after a long day. They’d be more likely to have an old-timey western shoot-off than host a karaoke night. I turned back to the bartender and read his name tag: Dave.

  “ Dave, what about just this once?” I gave him a pleading smile. “I’m attempting to get out of my comfort zone and I’m afraid that if I leave here without doing this then I might never work up the courage again.”

  He shook his head slowly, not even bothering to look up at me. I gripped the side of the bar while I watched him retrieve a cold beer for a patron. Was I going to walk away? No. I couldn’t leave Odessa like this. If he wasn’t going to cooperate than I had no choice. I turned back to see Beck eyeing me skeptically from the booth, and then with one last breath, I hopped onto the bar.

  Dave yelled for me to get down, but I didn’t listen. I turned to face the crowd. All ten small town Texans and one adorable Beck smiled up at me in awe.

  “ Um, hello everyone.” Only a few people had stopped their conversations, but by the end of my greeting, the bar was maddeningly silent. What kind of bar had no background music playing at least? “I’m going to sing a little song for you.”

  “ Get the hell down!” Dave yelled, throwing his towel on the bar next to my feet. Beck hopped out of the booth, ready to grab me if the situation escalated. He looked menacing with his baseball cap pulled low and his arms crossed over his chest. He kept walking until he was right under me and I smiled nervously down at him.

  I flitted my gaze over to Dave and gave him my best puppy dog eyes. “Please, it’ll be quick…” I pleaded. He huffed and then rolled his eyes. That was as much of an approval as I was going to get.

  I pinched my eyes closed and took a deep breath, preparing the sorry excuse for vocal cords I was about to subject everyone to.

  “ This is for Colby,” I murmured, staring up at the dirty fluorescent lights.

  With no musical accompaniment, I was left high and dry as I started to hum the opening strands of “Your Song” by Elton John. I wasn’t certain that I’d be able to hit all of the notes, but I closed my eyes and pretended I was standing alone in my shower. I began to sing the first words so softly that I doubt anyone could even hear. It was painful and I knew my entire body was shaking with nerves.

  But then I opened my eyes and looked down at Beck. One of his arms was wrapped around his torso and the other was propped up and holding his chin. I tried to focus solely on him as I kept singing.

  Mind you, I’ve never had a single singing lesson in my entire life. But I let Sir Elton John lead me forward as I broke into the chorus without reservation. I was belting the lyrics, telling everyone in the bar that I was so happy that they were “in the world”. A few of the patrons whistled and clapped their hands. I guess even in Odessa, Elton had some fans.

  When I tried to hit a really high note and my voice cracked, I laughed, rolling with it. The adrenaline made the embarrassment roll off me like I was wearing a waxy shield.

  When I had to repeat the part about hoping “you don’t mind”, the entire bar joined in with mismatching vocals. It sounded pretty terrible, but when I carried the song home, the entire bar was silent. They’re eyes blinked up at me with such profound understanding. I knew they’d probably all known Colby. Or at least known of him. Maybe that song meant something to them as well.

  The second I finished, I hunched forward and started laughing. It was quite possibly the worst rendition ever created, but Beck was grinning up at me with quiet admiration. He reached up to grab me. His arms gripped my waist securely, and as I slid down to the floor, he held me steady against his body so that our faces were level. I’m sure everyone in the bar was watching, but they were strangers and I didn’t care. My hands gripped his shoulders, and when our faces aligned, we both had impossibly wide grins.

  “ You were amazing,” Beck complimented me, pressing his forehead to mine.

  I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, trying to soak in the moment. “Don’t think I didn’t hear you chiming in at the end.”

  He chuckled and then pressed his mouth to my ear. ?
??Am I allowed to love you?” he asked, making my heart sputter to a stop. I looked up into his hazel eyes and I knew I was a goner. I couldn’t form words because I would have cried. My eyes filled with unshed tears and I bit my lip in hopes of quelling the surge of happiness. My gaze shifted to his chin and I nodded gently again and again.

  He was watching my reaction with such sincerity that I had to say something. Something to douse the flames before he pressed me back against the bar and took me in front of all the nice patrons.

  “ You probably only love me because I’m a rock star now,” I quipped, sort of mumbling over the “love me” part for fear that I was being presumptuous.

  A dimple appeared next to his mouth and I focused on that as he started tugging me out of the bar. We left the newsletters in the booth— in the city where they belonged. The city that missed their golden boy enough that it wasn’t my burden to hold onto him any longer. As Beck pushed through the bar’s doors, I pressed my hand to the jagged scar above my heart and closed my eyes. I would carry Colby with me forever, right where it mattered the most.

  …

  “ Have you ever had sex in a seedy motel before?” I asked as Beck and I laid down staring at the popcorn ceiling above our heads. Beck chuckled next to me and reached to grab my hand. I smiled and then rolled over to straddle him. His eyebrows shot up and I internally applauded myself for taking him by surprise. His brown hair hung sweet and disorderly against his pillow.

  His hands pressed against my back, just under my bra, and I rocked my hips over his, getting a slow feel for him beneath me. My hands tugged his shirt up so I could skim my fingers along his abs, memorizing each ridge that belonged to me. I kept tugging higher until most of his upper body was revealed to me. My hands roamed everywhere.

  “ That tickles.” Beck wiggled beneath me as I roamed too close to his underarms.

  “ Oops, sorry,” I smiled, and dragged my hands back down to his lower stomach. I traced the V that pointed to my end goal. Beck’s hands ran under the top of my dress, skimming over my skin until he found the clasp of my bra. With a quick flick, he undid it, and I mashed my lips together. That feeling of him dragging his hand around my torso to cup my breasts beneath my dress sent a delicious shiver down my spine.

  “ Beck,” I moaned, not realizing I’d been rolling my hips onto him the entire time. That was all the encouragement he needed. He hands cupped around each breast. My nails dug gently into his torso, letting the sensations take over. A moment later, he pressed up so that I could push his shirt over his head. He tugged my dress off and then threw it across the room. His pants followed.

  His hands wrapped around my back so that when he laid back down, he took me with him. Our chests were pressed tightly together. Warm skin on skin as our mouths found one another. It felt empowering to straddle him like that as his hands gripped my hair, keeping us melded together. We ground our hips together in a sweet rhythm.

  I pressed my hand to his warm chest. “Could I be on top?” I asked with a crooked smile. I had no clue if I’d enjoy it that way, but I wanted to try. Beck licked his lips and nodded, grasping me on top of him. I pressed my hands to his chest to support my weight as his fingers dipped down my body, rubbing me gently for a few moments.

  I reached down and clasped over his hand, aligning us perfectly. Then I bit my lip and started to sink down, unsure of how painful it would be. My weight wasn’t enough to push me all the way down onto him. I hovered in limbo, adjusting to his size. My fingers gripped his chest and my head fell forward with the weight of the pleasure. But then Beck’s hands gripped my waist and in one fluid move, he simultaneously bucked his hips up and pressed me down so that I was filled completely by him.

  “ Beck!” I cried out as a flood of sensations came over me. His hands gripped my hips as his thumbs dipped lower. The feel of him inside of me as his fingers moved over my inner thighs, touching flesh that was overly-sensitized, felt like too much for my brain to comprehend.

  I couldn’t remember to breathe or to move my hands from their death-grip on his chest.

  We hung there, unable to move for a few more seconds. Then Beck moved his hands up to my face. He brushed my hair away and titled my chin with his thumb so that our eyes locked in a sweet gaze.

  Our eyes told each other everything. They said ‘I love you’ even before we could verbalize the phrase. He started rocking his hips below me, slow and sensual at first. I leaned back, resting my hands on his knees so that I could roll my hips and feel every inch of him inside of me.

  His groans told me how turned on he was. I fed off them, letting my eyes flutter closed as we found a sweet, fast rhythm. His thumb found the spot that had me imploding only after a few quick rubs. But then we were shifting, Beck was rolling me onto my back and spreading my legs out wide so that he could pull out of me and then thrust back in with unadulterated passion. Our love-making was on his terms; he took what he needed and gave me everything in return. My second orgasm came quickly, too quick for me to even grasp on for dear life. I was gripping his hair. He was biting into my shoulder, and we were coming together, breathing each other’s names and praying for the moment to never end.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  I was in the hotel’s bathroom the next day, showering and taking my medications. Everything seemed normal and I felt fine, but when I took my temperature, it was slightly higher than usual. 100.9. I made a mental note of it so I could let my mom know, but then Beck knocked on the bathroom room and distracted me by stripping down to his skivvies so that he could hop in the shower.

  “ Hey! I’m trying to get dressed here,” I joked, watching him push his boxers to the floor and turn on the shower. Oh how I loved that rock-hard tush. I’d never considered myself a butt girl, but if you were there you would have checked it out, too. It was just so sexy.

  He turned to give me cheeky grin and then stepped inside the curtain.

  “ So are we going to Marfa?” I asked, stuffing all of my toiletries back into my bag.

  “ You remembered?” Beck asked, poking his head so that his damp hair left drops of water on the floor.

  I shrugged, moving to leave and so he could have privacy. “It was your one request this entire trip, and Odessa wasn’t quite what I expected it to be.”

  “ To Marfa it is!” he called out playfully.

  …

  Marfa is in the middle of nowhere, but only about three hours from Odessa. We’d driven through stretches of desert with no end in sight when finally we spotted a tiny oasis of sorts. It was the holy grail of pit stops. The mecca of road trip pilgrimages. There was a fast food restaurant, a gas station, a souvenir shop, and then a smattering of things that you would never in your life need in the middle of the desert: rubber snakes, astronaut costumes, and quilt patterns.

  “ So why did you want to go to Marfa?” I asked, handing him the bag of candy we’d purchased at the rest stop. He picked out three green Sour Patch Kids and then handed it back over. He knew to leave the orange ones for me.

  Beck drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and thought for a moment. “I’ve heard it’s a cool town, but I mainly wanted to check out The Lights.”

  I stared out the window, trying to discern the meaning of his sentence, but I eventually gave up. “The Lights? Of the town?”

  Beck’s mouth hung open like I’d just fessed up to the fact that I didn’t know the name of our current President. Hello, Mr. Obama, if you’re reading this.

  “ What?” I asked with a smile.

  “ Abby. The Marfa Lights! They’re famous! No one knows what they really are. Some people think they’re aliens and skeptics argue that they’re just car headlights really far off in the distance, reflecting off the hills.”

  I nodded, trying to imagine what he was talking about, but all I could picture were little UFOs flying around. “So we’re going to check them out?”

  “ Absolutely,” he answered with confidence.
r />   I couldn’t stop thinking about them. I’d never heard of such a thing. “Are they small? What if we go and we can’t see them?”

  Beck shot me a skeptical glance. “We’ll see them, Abby. I bet they’ll be there.”

  But what if they weren’t?

  The remainder of our drive went by quick, and by early evening we were pulling into a camp ground that had come highly recommended by the owner of one of the gas stations in town. He said we had to rent one of the teepees. So we followed his directions and pulled into El Cosmico Campground. It was like a hipster’s wet dream. There were genuine teepees set up next to propped up tents. Abstract sculptures dotted the landscape and punctuated the fact that we were not in a run-of-the-mill campground. There was a communal kitchen and an outdoor shower that had a rock wall for privacy. We lucked out. They had one teepee still vacant and we snatched it up before someone else could.

  After we’d parked our car outside the campground, we trekked with our backpacks toward the center of the desert oasis. The sun was setting behind the shrubbery and cacti, illuminating the teepee in a golden glow. We untied the flap and hesitantly stepped inside. The decor was minimalist and awesome. There was a simple bed with a multi-colored quilt sitting on top of an animal hide rug. A vintage American flag hung over the bed. Some hippie architects had definitely designed the place.

  “ This is the best place we’ve stayed so far,” I grinned, spinning in a circle in the center of the teepee. There were massive poles that merged at the center, almost twenty feet above my head. The sun was shining through gently, creating patterns across the pale canvas covering the entire space.

  “ I agree,” Beck answered, tossing the stuff down on top of a vintage trunk at the foot of the bed. “I think I saw a bar and grill on the drive over. Should we check it out and see if they serve dinner?”

  “ Yeah, but do you mind if I freshen up a little bit?” I felt light headed and I wanted to change into something more appropriate for a bar. I hadn’t put make-up on once since meeting Beck, but I’d packed a few random things in case the occasion called for it. Tonight seemed like as good a night as ever, especially considering the fact that a headache had developed in the past half hour and I felt less than sexy. But maybe if I freshened up and put some makeup on, my body would get the hint.