With This Heart

  His face split into a smile. “All I’m saying is that if your guy doesn’t show up, I’d be more than happy to fill his shoes.”

  Wow. I couldn’t even process his request because in a matter of seconds a bevy of guys stepped forward to offer their proverbial glass slippers as well. They each wanted a piece of the limelight. It would have been beyond flattering to assume they meant their proclamations, but I knew it had more to do with their twenty-year-old brains. Their need for attention and approval from the female population meant that they were willing to step forward so that they could brag about it over dinner in the dorm cafeterias later.

  I tried to smile at them, but I was too nervous. The attention was too much and I balled my fists next to my legs to keep from running.

  “ You can’t give up. I’ll be the guy,” one shouted from the crowd.

  They meant well, but their sweet jokes told me one thing. It was past six pm and Beck hadn’t showed up. That’s why they stepped forward. They were trying to help me in a pitiful way. I ran the heel of my palm against my chest, trying to break the tightness that had suddenly formed there. I felt like my heart was constricting and I blinked my eyes in quick succession. My hands fell limp to my side and I took a small step out of the statue.

  He hadn’t seen the note. Or if he had, he wasn’t going to come. Everyone was watching me with piteous faces. I didn’t want their pity. I wanted Beck to be at MIT still. I wanted fate to be on my side for once. I wanted to be able to erase the pain from last year. But I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. I gave Beck up so that he could follow his dream, and that’s the way it had to end.

  It was over.

  I raised my gaze, trying to find the distinguished man in the crowd. It only took a moment; he was the only person there beyond the age of twenty-five. His eyes locked with mine and he shrugged his shoulders, as if to tell me that it would be okay. I bit down on my lip, trying not to cry. It felt like I’d let him and Sammy down somehow.

  Seconds turned into minutes and people began to realize the show was over. Some of them looked disappointed, but most of the people didn’t care all that much. It was like watching a reality show to them. The fair-weather guys in the center patted my shoulder and turned back to find their friends. Each one of them leaving me as quickly as they’d stepped forward. Converse guy didn’t turn right away. I think out of everyone, he might have been serious about his proposition, and for that I was grateful. Without him, I would be crawling along rock bottom, but instead I was dangling by a limb just a few feet away from it. That counted for something.

  “ Thank you,” I muttered toward him with a tight smile. It felt forced and I knew he could tell.

  “ Yeah, I really meant—”

  His voice faded out as my gaze drifted to where his Converse rested on the concrete. Directly beneath his left foot there was a small white arrow chalked onto the sidewalk. A few feet in front of that one, I noticed another. They were leading away from the statue.

  No freaking way.

  I didn’t pause to let the moment sink in; I followed the arrows and pushed my way through the crowd. Most of them followed after me, but I picked up my pace, keeping my nose to the ground. The arrows led me around the back of the statue and passed the campus library. Some of the arrows were rubbed almost completely clean from foot traffic, but I kept connecting the dots until I turned a corner and arrived in front of an expansive field. The field was in the center of the undergrad dorms, but at that moment there was only a single person occupying the sprawling space.

  The first thing I saw was that brown hair glistening in the sun and curling right around his ears like always. My hands shot to my mouth and the world slowed to a crawl. For a moment we stood there, frozen, but then someone gently pushed me from behind and I realized I had to keep going. I took a deep breath and stepped up onto the grass. We were yards away from each other, but he started walking to meet me half way.

  My breath hitched when we were close enough for me to see his hazel eyes brimmed with dark lashes and swirling with green madness. His flawless features, confident air, dimpled smile. Everything was there, just like I’d imagined every night for the past year. A spontaneous laugh escaped my lips as we stopped a foot away from each other.

  He nodded, as if convincing himself that it was really me.

  It was my Beck. My Beck, just as I’d left him.

  His gaze held utter amazement and I couldn’t temper the tears running down my cheeks. To see him, smiling and present. To know that in the middle of a thousand people, he was still the one person who could turn my world into a splash of color.

  When he spoke, I could tell he was flustered. His voice hung on a nervous tone and his gaze teetered between my features, as if he wasn’t sure where to concentrate.

  “ I was the guy who should have never left and you were the girl who should have found me earlier.” My hands gripped my mouth as I started to cry harder. They weren’t even cute tears; just ugly, uncontrollably happy tears. I couldn’t pull myself together no matter how much I tried.

  His hands reached out to capture the back of my neck, hitting the spot that made goose bumps bloom down my body. I took a step forward, placing my hands against his hard chest. He pressed closer to me.

  “ Do you want to know why I followed you into that funeral parlor?”

  I titled my head, recalling our first encounter like it was yesterday. “You said you followed me on a whim,” I answered with a small smile.

  “ That’s the truth, but there’s more to it.” He ran his hands down my arms to entwine them with mine. “I was parking at the gas station across the street and I saw you get out of your car. I didn’t think much of it until you paused on your way inside the shop. You tilted your head toward the sun and closed your eyes, like a prisoner stepping outside after years of being locked away. It seemed so odd. No one just stops and appreciates life like that— but you did. I could see your smile from across the street and I couldn’t look away. I knew in that moment that I was completely uninterested in pursuing a life in which I didn’t cross that street and meet you.”

  I wiped my tears from my cheek and furrowed my brow in recollection. He was referring to the moment I felt truly free for the first time in my life. The first time I took a step toward beginning my little adventure.

  His words made my apology lodge in my throat.

  “ I’m sorry I made you leave,” I sputtered.

  “ Abby— ”

  “ I had to get healthy for you. For me.” I stared at my hands resting against the cotton of his shirt. I liked feeling his heart thumping against his chest at the exact rhythm as mine. “I had to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.” I had so much to catch him up on.

  He nodded, and the movement brought my gaze back toward his eyes. When he finally spoke, the edge of his mouth quirked up. “I liked your headline.”

  I laughed; pressing my face to his chest and inhaling the scent that I’d wanted to bottle up months and months ago. “Good enough to be on your UIL team?” I smiled into his chest.

  He shifted his hands to push my hair away from my face, and then he left his hands on either side of my temples. He gently tilted my head back so that I had to look up at him.

  “ Are you making a joke right now because you’re too chicken to tell me you love me in front of all these people?” he asked, his confident grin as smooth as honey.

  I wanted to tell him. But I had things that were on the tip of my tongue and I couldn’t wait another moment to share them. “I want to be a writer. I got accepted into BU.”

  His mouth dropped open. He scrunched his eyebrows together, a disbelieving smile halting his confidence. His head tilted to the side and he huffed out a breath, trying to catch up. “You’re staying in Boston? You’re staying here?” He pointed to the ground and I laughed at his amazement. But I guess that’s exactly how I felt as well.

  “ I came for you.” I paused, sucking
in a shaky breath. “I love you, Beck…I needed you to follow your dreams so that I could follow mine alongside you.”

  He clenched his jaw and I could tell he was trying to keep it together. His hand trembled in my hair and I reached up to lace my fingers around his forearm.

  “ I love you, too.”

  And then, like always, he kissed me when I least expected. He bent forward and pressed his lips to mine. He stole my breath with a kiss that held everything we’d buried deep within us for so long. My arms wrapped around his neck, and his arms tightened around my back so that we were pressed together. We would have stayed there all day, wrapped up in each other, but I heard the students erupt with applause and cheers.

  Beck pulled away from me laughing, then looked around us and lifted my hand into the air like I was a fighter who’d won a match. He fell forward into a little bow and everyone started cheering more. I was laughing and crying. My face was splotchy and I tried to fan away my emotions, though it was impossible.

  “ Let’s get out of here,” Beck whispered in my ear, and I looked up into his eyes. The gravity of the situation hadn’t sunk in yet. It felt like a lucid dream. I had to know that he was real, that I wouldn’t wake up.

  I looked over to find Sammy. “My roommate is here. She just got to Boston today so I don’t want to leave without her. ” She was standing off to the side of the field by herself, smiling at me, but obviously a little out of her element. I didn’t want to abandon her. There was something in her that spoke so close to my soul. Maybe we were both just shy vegetarians, but it felt like I should take care of her like Caroline would have taken care of me.

  Beck followed my line of sight and nodded. “That’s okay. We can walk back with her to your dorm and then maybe go somewhere, just you and me?”

  A shiver ran down my spine at the idea of being alone with him again.

  He reached for my hand, but just before we left, I twisted around to look for the professor one last time. I’d lost track of him when I’d followed the arrows, but I felt like I owed him a thank you. Most of the crowd had dispersed by then, but I found him leaning against an oak tree a few yards away from the field.

  I smiled and gave him a little wave. He bent his head in a small nod and turned in the opposite direction.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  “ So this is what you call home?” I asked, stepping past the threshold into his one bedroom studio apartment.

  He ran a hand through his unruly hair and nodded. The space was intimate with just the right mix of Beck’s eclectic taste. A vintage Texas flag hung above a painted brick fireplace. It reminded me of the flag that was in that teepee in Marfa. I glanced over my shoulder and pointed to it. Beck nodded and stuffed his hands into his back pockets, but didn’t offer any explanation. I wondered if he got it after our trip.

  His apartment wasn’t spotless, he was in college after all, but his bed was made and there weren’t any dishes in the sink, so he got a few points for that.

  “ Does it pass inspection?” he asked, stepping up behind me to wrap his arms around my waist.

  My eyes fluttered closed and my head fell back against his chest. I murmured some sort of “yes” and didn’t care to elaborate.

  “ I can’t believe you’re really here,” he spoke, spinning me around to face him. Having Sammy with us until a few minutes ago had provided us with a buffer. We couldn’t attack each other when she was there, but now? Now, all bets were off.

  “ Have you slept with anyone else? Dated anyone else?” Beck asked quietly.

  What a strange concept. As if anyone other than Beck could have occupied my thoughts for the past year. There was no room for anyone else.

  “ No,” I shook my head.

  I heard him sigh, but now I was curious. “Have you?” I asked.

  I told myself that if he had, it would be okay. I wouldn’t let it be our Ross and Rachel moment. We weren’t together and I’d deal with the jealousy later.

  “ I almost did,” he answered. “It was right when I got back to Boston and I was so pissed off at you for pushing me away. I went to a party and got drunk. I made out with a girl and we went upstairs—”

  “ Stop,” I said, pressing my hands to his chest. “I don’t need the details if you guys didn’t have sex. God, I was so scared you would have a girlfriend. When I posted those flyers yesterday, all I could think about was how I would deal with the outcome if you had a girlfriend you were in love with.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “Impossible.”

  My cheeks flushed and I turned to inspect the kitchen. He kept his distance, watching me move around. I fingered his coffee maker and towel. The zombie salt and pepper shakers sat on top of his stove. I was soaking up details of his life. I wanted to know how many cups of coffee he drank a day. I wanted to know what he preferred to eat for breakfast. Maybe now we’d finally get the chance to figure those details out.

  I turned to face him and then propped myself up to sit on the counter.

  “ When did you see my note?” I asked, anxious to know how my plan ended up working.

  His eyes danced with the memory of it. “I saw them all over campus yesterday when I was going to pick up some school supplies. But it wasn’t until I was sitting at a table in the union eating lunch earlier today that I actually read it. I guess someone had dropped a few on the tables because I was taking a bite of my sandwich and then I looked down to see that headline. I didn’t believe it at first; I thought my eyes were playing a trick on me.”

  I felt weightless sitting on top of his kitchen counter. His voice carried hints of surprise, elation, love .

  Then he swapped the topic on me in a flash. “How’s your health? Is your heart okay?” he asked, crossing his arms and studying me intently.

  “ It’s finally good, Beck. I’ve been on the same medication and dosage for eleven months. My immune system is as good as it can be while I take the medication. It won’t be easy, but I already have a cardiologist up here and it’s my top priority. I have an appointment with him tomorrow actually.”

  He nodded and closed his eyes as he inhaled deeply. Had he been worried about my health over the past year?

  “ Now it’s my top priority, too. I’ll drive you to your appointment tomorrow if you’ll let me.” His eyes flickered open again. They were a darker shade of hazel than usual. He stared right at me as he crossed the kitchen and came to stand in front of me. His hands drifted up my knees and over my thighs. His thumb ran along the inseam of my jeans.

  I mashed my lips together, unable to look away from his exploring fingers. With a gentle tug, he pulled my thighs apart so that he could step in between them. My hips were right on the edge of the counter, so when he stepped forward our bodies pressed together.

  “ I’d like that. Then maybe we can see if Sammy wants to get lunch or something,” I asked, hopeful.

  “ Sounds good. My friend, James, just got back into town for classes, so I could invite him, too,” he answered. He was still running his fingers along the inseam of my jeans, making it more and more impossible to concentrate on the here and now. His hands trailed up my jeans and traced along the bare skin that touched the hem. My stomach flip flopped and I felt my skin flush in response. His touch flooded me with warmth I hadn’t felt since he left.

  “ Stay the night with me,” he murmured, gently unbuttoning my jeans. By that point, I was beyond comprehension of things that didn’t entail his touch on my skin. I’d sleep on the ground outside if it meant he wouldn’t stop.

  “ Okay, but no sleeping,” I grinned.

  He chuckled and then grasped either side of my cheeks to tilt my mouth toward his. “Okay, no sleeping, Abby Mae.”

  I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his. A glimpse of the old Abby, the pre-Beck Abby, flashed before my eyes and deep awareness spun through my mind.

  My life had taken quite a few sharp turns in the past few years. I’d prepared myself
for the end and had come to terms with the abrupt conclusion life seemed determined to provide for me.

  And then my beeper went off.

  That archaic piece of technology vibrated on my night stand, telling me that I had a donor.

  Suddenly, I had an abundance of life and no idea what I wanted to do with it. Being in Boston, in college, was a surreal feeling. I’d been given a second chance. A chance to make dreams and see them through. A chance to make mistakes and fight to make them right.

  But it didn’t always feel that way. When I first had the transplant, there was this immense pressure weighing me down at every turn. To prove I was worthy of receiving the heart, I felt like I had to live every single moment to the fullest. If I wasn’t being the best, living the most, screaming the loudest, then I wasn’t doing Colby’s heart justice.

  I was living for everyone around me. Caroline, Colby, my parents. I couldn’t breathe for fear that the decisions I was making weren’t the right ones.

  I couldn’t ignore the nagging questions in the back of my mind:

  Are the lives of some people more valuable than those of others? Had the world lost more from Colby’s death than it had gained from my life?

  Is value based simply on one person’s impact on the world around them? How many friends we leave behind in death?

  A year ago I thought I knew the answer to those questions. But now I realize that no one has the capacity to judge the value of a human life.

  We all value different things and life left out a conversion chart on purpose.

  We aren’t supposed to know the answer.

  I couldn’t live for Colby or Caroline any longer.

  The fact is, I was given a heart. I was given this gift of life that few receive and I had to decide how I wanted to use it. Not how others would deem noble.

  So I finally stripped away the fear and anxiety, and suddenly life became crystal clear. I wanted to write. I wanted to create stories like the ones I’d written in my journal. I wanted to be with Beck, and I wanted to wake up each morning and appreciate the feeling of my heart beating beneath my scarred chest.