With This Heart

  “ Oh! Maybe he’s the Zodiac killer,” I said, thinking I’d most likely nailed it.

  She laughed and tipped back a sip of her hot chocolate. “I thought they caught that guy in like the 80’s.”

  “ No. The person they suspected it to be passed away and then the strange calls and killings stopped happening, so they just figured it was him.”

  “ I doubt Hot Guy is a crazy person. You should have faith in people.”

  I rolled my eyes and shot her a you-know-better-than-that stare. “You sound like him.”

  “ Huh,” she smirked. “I like him already.”

  “ I’m thinking about letting him come on the road trip with me…” I all but whispered, scared of what her reaction would be. Ninety-nine percent of me assumed she would throw the rest of her donut at my head as an attempt to knock some sense into me.

  “ You should. If I weren’t about to freaking DIE, I would go on a road trip with a random hot guy. What do you possibly have to lose?”

  I flashed her a pointed stare. “Uh, my life...my virginity…my freedom…my parent’s trust.”

  “ So nothing of importance?” she laughed, smoothing her hair back into a ponytail. Her arms were so small, skin and bone, if that.

  I smiled at her and shook my head.

  “ It doesn’t matter. I’m not sure I should go at all anymore,” I muttered.

  “ Why!?”

  I didn’t answer because the reason was staring me in the face and she wouldn’t take too kindly to my response.

  “ It better not be because of me!” she bellowed with a hard stare.

  I blanched. “I can go on a road trip anytime. You’re really sick, Caroline.”

  I thought I could see black plumes of smoke shooting out of her ears in that moment. “Abby. If you do not go on that road trip in a few days, I’ll forbid the hospital from letting you in. I’ll tell them that you mentioned bringing a bomb in and I’ll make them put you on their watch list.”

  “ Wow,” I mouthed, trying to hold back my laughter. Caroline was so ridiculous, but I half believed her.

  “ Yeah, I’m that serious.”

  “ Okay, psychopath. Jeez, I can’t imagine what you would be like if you weren’t strapped down by ten machines right now.”

  “ A real force of nature,” she replied proudly.

  “ Exactly.”

  “ So you’ll go?” she asked, hope dancing in her hollowed eyes.

  “ Yes,” I answered, even though the guilt was hard to push through.

  “ With him?”

  “ We’ll see…”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  On Thursday morning I headed to the drug store to fill my prescriptions and pick up a few travel-sized essentials. My original plan was to leave for the road trip the next day, but I hadn’t talked to Beck since earlier in the week. Was twenty-four hours enough notice? Was I really going to be insane enough to bring him along with me? I knew that any normal person wouldn’t even consider it, but I just need you to be on my side. When that career counselor asked me to tell her about myself, I drew a giant BLANK. There was nothing— I had no reckless nights of sneaking out or drinking, going to parties, or any other normal teenage mischief. I needed something, at least one or two shenanigans, to cling onto when I was ninety. I could look back and shake my head at how careless I had been.

  Just. This. Once.

  So I did it. I was in that drug store, deciding between getting one or two mini-toothpastes, when I called Beck.

  He picked up on the third ring. “Abby Mae.”

  I don’t know if he was surprised to hear from me or if he always greeted people with a hint of cheerfulness.

  “ Good morning, Beck. It has come to my attention that I have an additional seat available for my road trip, which leaves tomorrow at eleven am sharp.” I cut right to the chase.

  “ Which one?”

  “ Which one, what?” I asked, picking up three tubes of toothpaste, optimistic that Beck would want to come with me. Therefore, we would need a bit more than two tubes, but not quite four.

  “ Which road trip are you talking about? I’ve been invited on a few that leave tomorrow, so it’s been hard to keep them all straight.”

  I covered my smile with my hand as if he could have seen it from his end of the line.

  “ Your attempt at humor is suddenly making me rethink the available seat.”

  I toyed with one of the toothpaste tubes.

  He laughed and then asked, “Shouldn’t we meet up and plan out the trip before tomorrow?”

  My heart, the heart, leaped into action at the thought. He had a good point; I really had no plan at all, just one end goal.

  “ I have to go to R.E.I. this afternoon to grab a sleeping bag, want to meet there?”

  “ The one on Market Street?” he asked.

  “ Yeah, around four?” I held my breath, hoping he wouldn’t laugh in my face.

  “ I’ll see you then.”

  I dropped the phone back in my bag and then continued strolling down the aisles. I’d be lying if I said that having sex with Beck hadn’t crossed my mind since meeting him. Sorry if that shocks you. Teenage hormones are real and scary. I’d had some crazy dreams the past few nights that involved Beck and sundae toppings.

  But when I turned down that aisle and was forced to look directly at the condoms and the indiscrete bottles of lube, I suddenly felt supremely out of my league. I had no clue what the road trip would be like, but something told me I should be prepared in every area. Even if I didn’t have sex with Beck, maybe we’d pick up a hitchhiker that just happened to be Orlando Bloom and he’d want to take my virginity. I pulled a box of regular sized condoms off the shelf and a box of magnum sized as well. I’d never actually seen a penis in real life, so I had no basis of knowledge for what the average size was.

  I couldn’t look the pharmacist in the eye when I picked up my prescriptions and paid for my Cosmo, toothpaste, and condoms. The Cosmo was mostly for research .

  “ Do you need me to explain any of these medications to you?” she asked, shuffling the pill bottles into the crinkly sack. I could feel the people behind me in line leering over my shoulder toward the counter. Did they need to print the word ‘Magnum’ in bold, bright red letters?

  I shook my head, let out a strange grunt, and shoved all of the items into my over-sized bag before practically sprinting out of the store.

  …

  It was already four-fifteen by the time I found parking on Market Street. I tugged on the hem of my light yellow summer dress and practically jogged toward the entrance of R.E.I., hoping that Beck hadn’t been waiting on me for too long.

  When I pushed through the heavy double doors, I was greeted by that outdoorsy smell, which was strange considering I was stepping out of nature.

  If you’ve never been inside one of these stores, I should tell you that they usually have these awesome campsite displays set up with a tent, chairs, and fake fire at the front end.

  That’s where Beck was standing when I walked in. He was just behind the fake fire with his arms crossed over his chest and a lazy grin dotting his features. Unlike last time, he wasn’t wearing a baseball hat, so there was nothing to hide every ounce of his grade-A hotness. His hair was scruffy and perfectly tousled. His muscles stood out and his skin was tan and healthy, so different than mine.

  Seeing him like that was easily the highlight of my week until I saw that he was talking to an equally gorgeous girl. She was wearing a pocketed vest and hiking boots. She was almost as tall as Beck, which was practically a foot taller than me. Damnit. I straightened my shoulders instinctively and took a few steps closer. That’s when I saw Pretty Girl’s employee name tag. It read: Bekah. As in Rebecca shortened to Becca then morphed to Bekah. Who did she think she was having a cool, quirky name like that?

  “ Abby!” Beck called, and my eyes
shifted toward him again.

  I sort of half-waved and muttered a “hi” as I reached them. Bekah offered me a smile, and then we all stood there awkwardly for a moment because in reality we were all pretty much strangers.

  Beck was the one to finally break the silence. “Bekah here was just laughing about our names.”

  I scrunched my brows and then finally got it. Beck and Bekah. They were freaking meant to be.

  “ Wow. That’s a neat coincidence,” I nodded, and then fiddled with the strap on my purse. Beck gave me the widest grin I’ve ever seen and then placed an arm around my shoulders. His grip was warm on my bare skin and I felt a tingle run down my spine.

  “ Well, it was nice talking to you, Bekah,” he said, already pushing us away from the campsite. I had to take twice as many steps as he did in order to keep up.

  “ Oh yeah sure, let me know if you need my help or anything!” she offered desperately, but she was pretty enough to where it just came off as being friendly. Damn girls like that.

  The moment we walked out of earshot, Beck let go of my shoulders and turned to face me. His hazel eyes bore right into my green ones. I had to remind myself to breathe. “You should know that you have one of the most expressive faces I’ve ever seen. You’re like an open book.”

  “ What? What do you mean?” I asked, realizing my eyebrows were scrunched together and I was wearing a tight frown. I instantly relaxed my features. Okay, maybe he was right.

  “ You have to work on your poker face,” he laughed. “‘A neat coincidence?’ You might as well have said ‘that’s the least interesting thing I’ve ever heard’.”

  I gaped up at him. “Excuse me! It was a cool coincidence. What are the odds ? You guys should get married.” Sarcasm was dripping from my mouth.

  He replied instantaneously. “Nah, she probably stopped watching The Walking Dead because of the ‘medical inaccuracies’. We would never work out.”

  He was teasing me with a confident smirk across his face. I did everything I could to meet his hazel eyes, but in the end I just couldn’t do it. I could feel how red my face had become and I busied myself with a display of water filters.

  “ Ha-Ha. Alright, you win. Now help me pick out a sleeping bag,” I said, turning away from him and trying to regain an ounce of composure.

  “ So we’re camping during this road trip?” Beck asked as we tested out various sleeping bags. There was a row of them hanging on a rack, new and plush. Each of the various models boasted of keeping humans warm at impossible temperatures or being capable of withstanding a bear attack. I’m not sure about the last part; I might have been too preoccupied pretending not to watch Beck to actually read the labels properly.

  “ I wasn’t planning on it at first because I was going to be alone, but now I think we should camp at least a few nights.”

  “ I agree. I love camping and I have a tent,” he said, grabbing a thick, navy blue sleeping bag from the rack. With confidence, he turned and laid it out on the ground in the middle of the aisle. My mouth opened to protest, but no sound came out. Without a moment’s hesitation, he bent down and snuggled into it like it was a completely normal thing to do. I’d never seen anyone do that in the store before. A sales assistant saw him from afar and started to head over, but the moment Beck smiled up at her, she suddenly didn’t mind so much. Hot guy perks .

  He was still laying there when he offered, “We should take my grandfather’s car. It’s an old VW Camper, but he used it to surf so there’s no back seat. It’s just a flat surface— so we could sleep there if we didn’t want to stay in a hotel or camp.”

  I was planning on taking my car, but his idea did sound pretty good. I didn’t want to be tied down to hotels or camp sites.

  “ It’s big enough for two people?” I asked, not turning to face him. My face was bright red at the idea of sleeping in the back of a car with him. Please don’t let him be a crazy person. Please . I turned at the sound of his voice.

  “ Oh, I just thought you’d be sleeping outside,” he answered with a perfectly straight face.

  I gave him a pointed stare and then pretended like I was going to step on him beneath the sleeping bag.

  He barked out a laugh and then rolled to a sitting position. “Yes, there’s enough room for two people. Try this bag out, I think it’s a good one.”

  I did as he said. He held the top so I could slip my Keds through the opening. I had to hold my dress down so he wouldn’t get a peak at my polka dot underwear.

  He’d been laying in it for hardly three minutes, but the sleeping bag already smelled like him; the remnants of his cologne clung to the fabric. I decided I would get it for that reason alone.

  “ So do we have any destinations in mind?” he asked as we roamed through aisles, loading up on random items: water bottles, a lantern, and a mini camping kitchen set that stacked together nicely.

  “ A few,” I answered, “but I’m also open to random stops. I just have to be in Odessa, Texas at some point.”

  “ Sounds good. If I get to choose a stop, I want to go to Marfa.”

  “ Marfa?” I asked, shuffling items between my arms as we headed to the register. He stepped in front of me, halting my forward momentum with his hands on my shoulders. His fingers gripped my skin, hitting the thin string of my spaghetti strap. I gulped and stared at his shirt like it was the most interesting thing in the world. That didn’t help because the cotton did a poor job of hiding his body beneath it.

  The entire moment lasted less than a few seconds, but the feel of my stomach dropping and my heart speeding to keep up would forever remain with me.

  “ It’s a small town way out in west Texas,” he answered, coaxing me back into the land of the living.

  I nodded, trying to think if I had ever heard of it. “Is there a reason why you want to go there?”

  “ It’s a secret,” he smirked as we moved to wait in line.

  “ That’s where the cult is, isn’t it?”

  It was his turn to give me a pointed stare.

  I was positioned first in line at the checkout, but when it came time for me to pay, Beck cut in. “Oh, I’m a member here. Let me pay with my card so I get the points. You can just pay me back.”

  It seemed reasonable, so I let him pay without thinking much of it, but as we walked out with our purchases, I flitted my eyes over to him. “I don’t have enough cash on me, but I can run to an ATM really quick.”

  “ Nah,” he said, holding the door open for a woman entering behind us. “We’re even.”

  I scoffed and shook my head. “Beck, that was really expensive and we aren’t even friends. I can’t accept this stuff.”

  “ We’ll figure it out on the road trip— don’t worry. And yes, by the way, we are now officially friends, Abby Mae McAllister,” he declared, holding out his hand for me to shake.

  I grabbed it with an amused smile. “Is this our secret handshake?” His warm skin pressed against mine and his pointer finger hit my wrist directly over my pulse.

  “ Sometimes you just have to go back to basics,” he quipped before dropping my hand. He was already starting to back up in the opposite direction, but I stood my ground, shaking my head incredulously.

  “ Tomorrow at eleven SHARP, we are leaving on a road trip of tremendous importance. I hope you’re ready!” he exclaimed as he continued to back away from me. No one on the street really paid him much attention, but I did.

  I couldn’t look away.

  …

  That night was a complete cluster-fuck. My parents came over to cook me dinner and watch a movie. Every chance I got, I escaped to my room to pack what I could without them knowing. It was always part of the plan to hide the road trip from them because they would have nixed the idea immediately. But now that Beck was joining me, I had to keep it a mega-secret. I felt so shitty, lying to them like that, but I couldn’t turn back. I just prayed t
hey would understand my reasoning after everything was said and done.

  I was stuffing all my bathroom essentials into a travel bag when my mother knocked on the door. I jumped and spun around to hide the bag in case she was about to barge in.

  “ Sweetie?” My mom’s voice called from the other side of the bathroom door.

  “ Oh, I’ll be right out,” I answered with a shaky voice.

  “ Okay, I just wanted to make sure you were feeling alright.” She sounded so sincere.

  I sat down on the lid of the toilet and hid my head in my hands. I’m a terrible person. I can’t do this to her .

  “ Yes, Mom, thanks. I’ll come help with dinner in one second.” I tried to smile so she would hear it in my voice. The second she walked away, I snuck into my room and into my closet so I could dial Caroline.

  I didn’t think she would answer. It rang half a dozen times and then I finally heard a cough.

  “ Sweet Caroline?” I asked hesitantly. Her cough sounded terrible and I wasn’t sure it would stop. Another few seconds passed and then finally I heard raspy breathing.

  “ Hey Abby.”

  “ Dude, you sound like you’ve got the black plague.” It was hard to act normal and tease her in that moment. Her sickness scared me, but I couldn’t turn into another person that walked on eggshells around her. She’d never forgive me.

  “ I liked you better when you had that old crappy heart. You had less energy to devote to sarcasm.”

  That was Caroline.

  “ Yeah, maybe this new heart is super evil.”

  “ Ew, that’s weird.”

  “ I’m kidding, but hey, should I or should I not feel like a complete bitch for lying to my parents about this road trip?”

  “ You cannot be having second thoughts. He bought you a freaking sleeping bag and stuff. That’s practically an engagement ring.”

  I ignored her blatant hyperbole. “So they’ll understand why I went?”

  “ Yes. You deserve to go, and they’ll understand later. Like when you’re fifty. I wouldn’t mention it until then.”