With This Heart

  “ Alright, cya.”

  Oh god, I knew he was walking toward me then. I busied myself with reading the ingredients on the back of my organic sunscreen. Zinc Oxide, zinc oxide, zinc oxide. Beck plopped down next to me, jostling my shoulder slightly.

  “ Oh hi, Beck! I didn’t see you there.” My voice was an octave higher than usual and my smile exuded fake sweetness.

  He gave me an odd look and then nodded back to where he was just standing.

  “ That girl is staying in our hotel. She invited us to a bonfire tonight on the beach.”

  “ We or you?” I asked, and then instantly regretted my jealously. Why did I care? Beck could make out with her in the bonfire for all I cared, right? I uncapped the sunscreen and started lathering it down my arms.

  “ We’re a packaged deal, Abby. Need some help?”

  I almost refused, but Caroline’s face popped into my head. She would have yelled at me for turning him down. “Oh, sure. I’ve only done my arms.” I could feel my heart rate pick up and my hand shook a bit too obviously as I handed the bottle over. I’d watched enough movies to realize that a guy offering to put sunscreen on you meant that in about ten seconds he would accidentally untie my bikini top and then we’d have raunchy beach sex. Was I prepared for public sex? I hadn’t yet mastered private sex. Or, you know, anything past making out.

  My breath caught when his hand hit my back. His touch felt sensual and warm, but not in an inappropriate way. He wasn’t trying to give me a massage or anything; it was just the way my body reacted to him. It felt like his palm was setting my skin on fire. I told myself it was the sunburn already sinking into my shoulders. Yep, that feeling was from the sun, not Beck.

  “ How far did you run?” I croaked, trying to fill the silence.

  “ Just six miles,” he answered, moving to the bottom of my bikini strings. His hands slipped under to make sure I didn’t get burned if my top shifted. It made my entire body buzz with nervous energy. I heard myself moan under my breath. What the hell? Did he hear that? Distract him.

  “ Just?” I stumbled over the word like I was learning to speak for the first time. “I could maybe run one-tenth of a mile.”

  “ We’ll get you training soon enough.”

  I grunted with my disapproval.

  “ I ran track in high school and college. Obviously MIT isn’t known for athletics, but it helped me stay in shape while I was hunkered down in the library for ten hours at a time.”

  I imagined him wearing glasses, holding a book, and running with no shirt on. “If you become a vegetarian after our trip, I’ll go running with you tomorrow morning. Wait, no. I’ll buy a skateboard and a dog. Then I’ll hold the dog’s leash and let him pull me along side you.”

  He laughed. “That’s cruel.”

  “ It would be a really big dog. Or maybe a wolf.”

  He rubbed the last bit of sunscreen into my shoulders and then handed the tube back to me. “Sounds good, let’s swim. My surprise doesn’t start for another hour.”

  I hated having to wait another hour, but at least we were at the beach. I’d been dying to jump into the water since first stepping out of the hotel, and now I was practically melting from the heat, even under the umbrella. I hopped up and was about to start walking toward the water when Beck grabbed my hand.

  “ You can’t just mosey on in. You’ve got run in with me and dive into a wave.”

  He was already pulling me along, practically lifting me off the sand behind him. Little kids looked up just as we narrowly missed taking down their hastily-built sand castles.

  “ Beck! What if the salt gets in my eyes?” I asked just as my toes dipped into the cold water. It felt amazing. “My sunscreen hasn’t soaked in!”

  “ Close them!” He didn’t even pause to reassure me. He took me farther out until a wave hit my thighs. The wave after it hit my stomach. Each one rocked against my slight frame, threatening to break my connection with Beck, but he held on tighter.

  “ On the count of three, hold your nose and close your eyes!” Just as he finished his orders, I looked up to see the wave-of-all-waves rolling toward us. It looked like it would swallow me up whole.

  “ Beck!” I screamed, half-fearing for my life, half-giddy with anticipation.

  “ One, Two, Three!” he called. I plugged my nose and closed my eyes just as Beck pulled me under the surface so that the wave washed over us. The cold water met my face with an icy splash, and for a moment I forgot I was under water. I smiled wide and briny water slipped over my tongue. I didn’t mind the taste and I didn’t have long to consider it because in the next moment Beck was pulling me to the surface. He was laughing wildly and I joined in, feeling the laughter in every cell of my body.

  I wanted more.

  “ Let’s go out farther!” I shouted, starting to pull him away from shore. I knew the dangers of the ocean: rip tides, under currents, sharks eating me alive, etc. But I didn’t care. I trusted Beck and I knew he wouldn’t let the ocean harm me if he could help it.

  “ There’s probably a sandbar soon. Let’s try and reach it,” he commanded.

  I could still touch at that point, but the water was getting higher and higher as we went. My heart didn’t kick into overdrive until the water hit my neck. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to tread water in the ocean. Calm water in a lake was one thing, but something about the ocean seemed inherently scary.

  “ I think you’ll be okay, but if you need to you can climb onto my back like you did in the lake. Okay?” I didn’t want to need to rely on him, but I was glad the option was there nonetheless.

  “ Are you sure there’s a sandbar out there?” I asked, trying to find reassurance in the unknown.

  He stopped moving us forward and turned to look at me. “No. I honestly have no clue. We can either try to reach one and maybe end up getting eaten by sharks, or we can stay here and wonder for the rest of our lives if there was a sandbar just a few more yards in the distance.”

  I didn’t respond right away. Our eyes locked together. Hazelly madness and sage green. I had to squint as the sun glistened against the water. Then, slowly, a grin unfolded.

  “ The shark would definitely want to eat you. You’re much more meaty. So, really, I have nothing to worry about. Let’s go.”

  I thought he’d start pulling me out to sea right away, but instead he leaned in and kissed the edge of my mouth. When he pulled back I had no clue what he was thinking. His features were indistinguishable and his gaze was focused on our goal.

  Was that a kiss kiss, or did I have food on the side of my mouth from breakfast? Dear God, if I had granola stuck to my face, please let a shark eat me right now.

  We started swimming, finally releasing our hands, but sticking close enough that our arms touched whenever our strokes aligned. I tried to control my breathing so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself with my lack of endurance. I didn’t have an excuse. I wasn’t the sick girl anymore. My body was healthy, my heart was healthy. I could do it.

  I took a deep breath and pushed against the waves trying to rock me back to shore. Beck slowed his pace so that we stayed together.

  Then finally, he let out a cheer and I turned to watch him place his feet on the ocean floor and stand up. Not a second later I followed suit and felt my feet dip into sand. We’d reached the sand bar. My breaths were labored and heavy, but I felt like I’d accomplished something much more profound than simply swimming out into the ocean. I know it might be hard to understand, but two months before that I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without feeling winded. The idea of exercising or using my body as anything other than a vessel for watching TV, reading, and sleeping, had seemed like a cruel joke.

  So you see, when I swam to that sandbar, using my own muscles, my own blood, and veins, and heart, it felt like I could take on the world.

  “ Beck!” I squealed, and jumped so that water splashed around
me.

  “ Abby!” Beck answered with excitement. He could’ve swam to that sandbar and back two dozen times, but he celebrated with me as if he knew how monumental it was.

  “ TAKE THAT SHARKS!” I screamed so loud that I’m sure any shark within a few miles fled for fear of my wrath.

  Beck and I laughed and jumped around, splashing water. Then he completely side-swiped me.

  “ I LIKE YOU!” Three words screamed out into the ocean so confidently and carefree that I wanted to bottle them up to prove to myself that he had in fact said them.

  I stopped splashing and I just stared at him with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. I know you might be thinking “he didn’t say love , chill out”, but before that moment, a boy had never told me he liked me. Waves crashed against my hips, and I just stood there silent, completely taken aback. Thankfully, he didn’t wait for me to respond.

  “ C’mon! Our surprise starts in a little bit and we should take a quick break before then.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Beck had arranged a surfing lesson for us through the hotel. After we’d returned to shore and I’d reapplied sunscreen (with Beck’s help), a surfing instructor with longish blonde hair and an interesting Texas-meets-surfer accent found us under the umbrella.

  “ Are you guys Beck and Abby?” he asked, looking down at a sheet of paper in his hand. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and I could tell he spent most of his time outside. His entire body had a deep tan and he was toned from surfing.

  I wondered how he spotted us among all the other beach goers, but when I looked around, it seemed we were the only ones around without a cartload of kids. I guess it was pretty obvious.

  “ Yeah,” we said in unison, and then stood to shake the sand off of us.

  “ Oh, great!” he said. “Let’s get started. I’m Jason. I’ll be your surfing instructor.”

  Of course his name was Jason.

  I pulled a hair band out of my bag and tugged my long hair into loose ponytail so it would be out of my face during our training . Then we followed Jason over to the shoreline where he’d placed two longboards in the sand.

  “ Have you guys ever surfed before?” he asked, holding my gaze with a pair of dark brown eyes. He was not at all bad to look at and I decided I would enjoy my surfing lesson even more.

  We both shook our heads and he placed his hands on his hips, assuming the teacher pose. “Surfing is an art and you guys won’t master it during one lesson. But, we’ll start with the basics on the sand, move to the board, then move into the water.”

  “ We’ll do it right here on the beach where everyone can watch us?” I asked, adjusting my bikini bottom. Oh who was I kidding? Nothing would fall out of my bikini while I practiced surfing on the beach.

  “ Yeah, it won’t be so bad.” He gestured to the few beachgoers that were focused on us. “They’ll go back to doing their own thing in a few minutes.”

  We nodded and I looked over to watch Beck roll out his shoulders and stretch his arms. He looked so good in that bathing suit and I had a suspicious feeling that he’d pick up surfing much faster than I would.

  “ Alright, let’s start in the sand on our bellies. We’ll learn how to mount the board first.”

  “ Hear that, Abby? You’re going to learn how to mount.” Beck thought that was quite clever. Jason had the decency to clear his throat and look away.

  I rolled my eyes. “Beck, you were the one trying to mount me in my sleep last night. Don’t think I forgot.”

  He grinned and narrowed his eyes. “That’s not quite how I remember it. I woke up to you practically on top of me.”

  I choked out a laugh. Were my unconscious limbs not to be trusted around him?

  “ Alright, you two,” Jason said, breaking us out of our little banter.

  “ I was AH-MAZING!” I cheered as we unlocked the door to our hotel room.

  “ Okay, okay.”

  I twirled around and then folded my fingers behind my head in a cocky stance. “Jason said I was one of the best students he’s ever had.”

  “ He was just trying to get in your pants.” Beck gave me a pointed stare. He really was competitive.

  I scoffed. “Yeah, right! I stayed on the board for like twenty seconds at the end!”

  “ Alright. You were…pretty good,” he relented with a quiet whisper, barely loud enough for me to hear a few feet away.

  “ I’m sorry, I don’t think I quite heard that.” I smirked, taking a step closer to him and dropping my arms. I wondered how long he’d put up with sassiness.

  He picked his head up and his hazel eyes met mine as he took a step toward me. He didn’t stop until his body was touching mine. His bare chest was pressed against my cover-up and I could feel his diaphragm lifting when he took a steady breath. He ducked his head until it was level with mine, then he moved his mouth until it was right over my ear.

  “ I said, you were good .” A tingle ran down my spine; it was as if he was trying to seduce me. His breath hit my neck and I tilted my head so that even more of my skin was exposed for him. I wasn’t in control of my body in that moment. Had he pushed me to the ground or to the back of the door or to the hotel desk, I would have given myself over to him willingly and he knew it.

  He bent his head an inch lower and placed a kiss on the base of my neck.

  I had no clue what we were doing. He liked me, and I obviously liked him. Maybe we could just have a road trip fling. That’s all it would be, right? We had no clue what we were doing with our lives. I needed to apply to college and I’d probably move away. He was probably going back to Boston. I had to find out what I wanted to do with my life. What was the meaning of life, anyway?

  “ I can practically hear your thoughts churning right now, Abby,” Beck said, taking a step back and smiling.

  I nodded infinitesimally. “I think a lot.”

  “ I know,” he said, stepping away from me. I wanted to protest. “Do you want to nap for a little bit before the bonfire?”

  “ Sure, I feel like I could go to sleep now and not wake up until tomorrow morning,” I said, stretching my sore muscles. The swimming and surfing had been more physical activity than I’d done…ever.

  He shook his head. “Not an option. I’ve never been to a beach bonfire before.”

  I smiled. “Neither have I.”

  …

  I’d stepped out onto our hotel’s balcony to call my mom while Beck showered. My parents were becoming suspicious. I had never gone this long without seeing them, but I played it off by telling my mom that I needed some space. I don’t think she suspected that I’d left town at that point. It was just so out of character for me, being so distant, and I hoped she’d just assume I was camped out with Caroline or something.

  “ Sweetie, I understand that you need some distance from your father and me. I just want you happy and healthy.”

  The ocean breeze whipped through the phone so that I could barely hear her. I know she could probably hear it through the speaker. Was it windy in Dallas?

  “ Mom, I promise everything is okay.”

  Silence.

  “ Alright, well are you feeling alright?” she asked. I’d taken my temperature that morning and it was normal. I took all of my medications, and other than feeling tired from surfing and swimming, I knew my body was doing okay.

  “ Yes, Mom. I feel great actually.”

  She sighed into the phone and I felt terrible for making her worry. “Caroline isn’t doing so well,” I admitted. Caroline hadn’t picked up the phone the past two times I’d tried to call, but I told myself she was napping and couldn’t hear the phone ringing.

  “ Yes. I spoke with her mom today.” Her tone said it all, it encompassed the immense sadness and I couldn’t bear to listen to another word. I knew it in my heart of hearts anyway.

  “ Mom, I have to go.”

  “ Already?”
>
  I couldn’t take it. Talking to her was reminding me of everything I’d needed two weeks away from. Just then, Beck walked back into the hotel room wearing his low-slung towel and nothing else. Perfect time to end the call.

  “ Yeah, Mom. I need to shower and stuff,” I said, trying to inconspicuously watch Beck through the tinted glass on our balcony. He was leaning down to grab clothes and I watched the muscles on his back pull and stretch. He’d developed a healthy tan from being in the ocean all day and looked even sexier than before. I, on the other hand, developed a red hue on my cheeks, but other than that I had stayed as pale as ever.

  I stepped closer to the tinted window so that I could see him more clearly. I hadn’t realized I’d pressed my face against the glass until Beck looked up with a bemused smile. My eyes bulged and I quickly jolted into action, pretending that I was cleaning something off the window. Yup. Just a smudge on the window. I shrugged and gave him what I hoped was a nonchalant expression.

  “ Okay, I love you,” my mom said with a defeated tone. Oops, I’d forgotten I was still on the phone.

  “ Love you, too.”

  Maybe the two weeks apart was good for both of us. We would both get to stretch our wings a little bit.

  I slid the glass door open and Beck swiveled around to look at me. His damp hair looked even darker than usual and I just stood there in the threshold of the hotel room watching him for a moment. Each second I lingered there, the smile on his face widened until we were both perfectly clear about my obvious attraction to him.

  “ Shower’s free,” he noted with amusement.

  “ Perfect,” I replied, finally realizing that my limbs did in fact still work. I tossed my phone onto the bed and breezed past him, not taking my change of clothes with me. We’ll see how much he likes it when I come out in nothing but a towel.

  The entire time I was soaping up and shaving and rinsing my hair, my heart was going a mile a minute. I wanted him to feel as affected by me as I was around him, but what if he didn’t even bat an eyelash? One eyelash, people, that’s all that I asked for.