From Russia With Love

  “I hope you aren’t planning on making a lot of changes to the house,” he said. “Steven and I like things just as they are. I hate clutter.”

  “But everything is just white,” she protested. “The color, it would bring me happiness, you see?” Her heart sank at the thought of living in a world with no color, no joy.

  “White is easy. Everything matches, and I can see that it’s clean.” His nostrils flared, and he breathed a bit hard as though he was trying to keep his temper.

  Misgivings unsettled Tatiana again. What was she bringing Irina into? Would Robert’s perfectionism spill over onto her daughter’s behavior? Would he be critical of every little thing she tried to do?

  She bit her lip. Now was the time to take a stand. “White is so—so cold,” she said. “Always I like some color. Even in Russia where we are poor, I bring in wildflowers in summer and red twigs in winter. I must have some freedom to do this, Robert.”

  His eyes narrowed, and his lips thinned. “We will discuss it later,” he said.

  “Nyet, we will discuss it now,” she said firmly. “I must know what you expect from me, from Irina.”

  He sighed and crossed his arms. “I expect you to care for my house the same way I would, to care for Steven with the same love and devotion you give Irina. I hated the fussiness Ellen insisted on in the house when she was alive. I don’t want that again. In fact, I will not allow it.”

  “You allowed it with her,” she pointed out.

  “That was different,” he said.

  “You loved her, I know. But I must have the same respect for my wishes as I will give you. I would not expect you to live in chaos, but you cannot expect us to live in a—a hospital.” Inside, she was quaking at the anger she saw gathering in his face. A voice of reason screamed for her to be quiet or he wouldn’t marry her, but she couldn’t stop now. Something drove her on. She was tired of being treated like poor trash.

  Then his shoulders sagged in defeat, and he forced a smile. “You’re right. I’ve lived alone too long. Of course, this must be your home, too. We’ll work things out as we go along.”

  Relief flooded her. It would be all right, after all. It was as he said—he’d lived alone for too long. She smiled. “I will be a good wife to you, Robert. You will not be sorry.”

  He leaned over and kissed her. “We’ll rub along together, Tatiana. It will be an adjustment for both of us, but we’ll manage. Hey, was that our first fight? It wasn’t so bad.” He chuckled.

  She nodded and allowed his kiss. He jumped up from the sofa and started for the kitchen. “You want to fix dinner or go out?”

  She had a choice? Usually, he expected her to cook. “Let us go out,” she said.

  She almost changed her mind when she saw him frown, but he didn’t give her a chance. “Fine,” he said. Though his tone was abrupt, he sent her a stiff smile. “I’ll get Steven and Irina.” He went down the hall to the playroom.

  Her head snapped up when she heard him raise his voice in an icy tone. Her heart skipped in her chest as she raced down the hall to see what was wrong.

  “What have you done?” Cold anger radiated from Robert. Steven’s hair was cut almost to his scalp, and his dark curls lay on the floor in telltale reproach. Irina held the scissors poised above his head to make another snip.

  She dropped them guiltily at Robert’s roar and burst into tears. “He needed a cut,” she sobbed. “Mat!” She ran toward her mother, but Robert intercepted her and swung her into his arms.

  Her tiny feet kicked in the air as he dangled her above the ground. “You must be punished, Irina.”

  “Nyet!” Rage held Tatiana immobile only a moment. She grabbed Robert’s arm. “To me! Give her to me!” She didn’t dare grab her daughter and try to take her by force for fear of hurting her.

  He jerked his arm away and tucked the wailing child under his arm. “She must be punished,” he said tightly. “Look at Steven. He looks ridiculous!” His son promptly burst into tears at his father’s accusatory words.

  “She is my child. I will handle any punishment,” Tatiana said between her teeth. Irina was screaming in terror. She had to get her out of here. “Give me my daughter.”

  “She will never learn if you pardon every transgression,” he said firmly. He picked up the scissors. “She’ll remember this if she looks as ridiculous as Steven.”

  Irina began to wail even louder and squirmed in his grip.

  “Nyet!” Tatiana dove for Irina and managed to grasp her around the waist and tear her from his grasp. “Two wrongs do not a right make,” she panted. Her daughter clutched her around the neck with sweaty fingers still holding traces of Steven’s hair.

  Robert’s icy control didn’t slip. That was what terrified Tatiana the most. His utter calm determination to discipline Irina as he saw fit, in spite of any objections. With a sudden clarity, Tatiana saw what had bothered her about Robert all these weeks—his unwavering belief that he was right, that his way was right. She and Irina would never be able to measure up to those standards. This was just the first instance of their failure.

  Tatiana wheeled and dashed down the hall. His careful tread followed her. He stopped at the door, his gaze raking her face as though he’d never seen her before. “I cannot have you undermining my authority in my own house, Tatiana. We must start out as we mean to go on. Give Irina to me. I won’t harm her. She must be punished, though.”

  Her mouth dry, Tatiana knew in that moment she couldn’t marry him. Irina would wither in such an atmosphere of unrelenting expectation. No child could be perfect. No wife, either. Poor Steven. “She did not know it was wrong, Robert. You punish a child for disobedience, not for childishness.”

  He gave her a sickly smile. “Come inside, Tatiana, and let’s talk. We must discuss who disciplines the children and how we can work together on this.”

  She shook her head. “I am going home,” she announced.

  His expression grew more dour. “If you go home now, there will be no marriage,” he warned.

  “Of course, there will be no marriage!” she shouted. Shaking with rage and reaction, she soothed her sobbing daughter. “To marry such a cold fish, I cannot do.”

  “You’ll regret this,” he called after her. “Who will you find to marry you in a week?”

  Who, indeed? There was no one. Shuddering, she shifted Irina to her other arm and continued down the street. Behind her, she heard Robert shut the door with his calm deliberation. Her shoulders sagged with relief. At least that was over. But what was she going to do now?

  There would be no choice but to return to Russia. Tears coursed down her cheeks. Failure, she was a failure as a woman and as a mother. But, no, not as a mother. At least, she had saved Irina from living with such demanding perfectionism.

  The road back to the Salingers’ was four miles and took her over an hour with Irina in her arms. By the time she arrived, she knew what she must do. It would be the hardest thing she had ever done, but it was the only thing that would save Irina. She had no choice.

  thirteen

  The house felt empty when Tatiana walked inside. She carried Irina upstairs and laid her on the bed. Her lids fluttered, but Irina didn’t awaken. The ordeal had exhausted her. Tatiana felt an overwhelming wave of love sweep over her for her daughter. She would do anything to keep her safe. Anything, even what she must do now.

  Her throat sore with unshed tears, her eyes staring in shock and purpose, Tatiana went to find Grace. The older woman would agree; Tatiana knew this beyond any doubt. She loved Irina as her own grandchild.

  The ticking of the grandfather clock in the entry echoed loudly in the stillness. Where was everyone? Peeking into Martha’s room on the first floor, she saw the housekeeper sleeping in the bed. Her mouth half open, she snored softly.

  Tatiana pulled the door shut behind her and went down the hall to the kitchen. Empty. She finally found Grace in the family room. Curled up on the sofa, she held a novel. Tatiana squinted to read it. War an
d Peace. Maybe Grace was trying to learn more about Russia.

  Engrossed in her book, Grace didn’t see her standing by the door at first. Then Tatiana moved, and Grace looked up.

  She put the book in her lap. “Whatever has happened, Tatiana? You’re white as a ghost and shaking. Come sit here by me.” She sat up and put her feet on the floor.

  Tatiana burst into tears and ran forward, dropping to her knees and burying her face in Grace’s lap. The comforting scent of Grace’s lilac sachet made Tatiana cry harder.

  Grace stroked her hair and murmured comforting words. “There, there, darling girl. Tell me what’s wrong. Nothing is that bad. We’ll fix it; you’ll see.”

  Tatiana cried harder. It was that bad. She just didn’t have the words to speak it yet. Finally, her storm of tears tapered off. She raised her head and sniffed. Rubbing her swollen eyes, she sighed, then hiccuped.

  “Tell me what’s happened. Did Robert break the engagement? That’s the only thing I can think of that would cause this.” Grace’s gaze sharpened, and her lips thinned.

  Tatiana shook her head. She told Grace what had happened at Robert’s, and the other woman’s expression grew more grave.

  “You were right to leave,” she declared. “I would never have guessed Robert could act so badly. That just goes to show you how important it is to know someone well before marriage.”

  “Back to Russia I will have to return,” Tatiana said. Hopeless despair gripped her.

  Her eyes filling with tears, Grace nodded. “We won’t abandon you, Tatiana. Gabe is determined to see that you are never in want.”

  “His money I cannot take.” Tatiana choked out the words. “But Irina, she deserves everything.” She took a deep breath to steady herself, and Grace’s anxious face swam in her vision. “There is a way to keep her safe, but only you can help.”

  “You know I would do anything for her, anything for you.” Grace smoothed the tangled hair back from Tatiana’s face.

  Tatiana struggled to force the words out. “I want you to adopt Irina.” She slammed her lids shut and gasped aloud with the pain her own words had brought. Her heart pounded in her ears. This was the thing she’d fought against ever since Sergio had died. Irina was her daughter; giving her up would be the hardest thing she’d ever done.

  Biting her lip until she tasted blood, she opened her eyes and focused on Grace’s shocked face. “In Russia, almost, I put her in the orphanage. I could not bear that she cried with hunger.”

  “We would not let that happen again, Tatiana.” Grace put her hands on each side of Tatiana’s face.

  “You would not intend to, perhaps,” Tatiana said slowly. “But as time passed, our memory would fade. Besides, it is not just the food. Irina will have many things here she cannot have in Russia. Please, if you love her at all, you will do this.” If only there was some other way. But she’d looked at all the angles, all the choices. Circumstances had boxed her into this corner.

  Grace stared deep into Tatiana’s eyes, then slowly nodded. “Very well. I shall have Mike see to the arrangements.” She frowned. “If he wasn’t so irresponsible, he would marry you himself.”

  “I could not marry him. Not when. . .” Her voice trailed off.

  “Not when you love his brother,” Grace finished.

  Tatiana nodded. Hers shoulders sagged with relief and sorrow mingled together. It was such a jumble. But she loved Irina enough to let her go. Grief squeezed her throat until she thought she couldn’t breathe.

  The phone rang, and she took a deep breath. Composing herself, she picked it up. “Salinger residence.”

  There was a long pause, then Gabe’s deep voice echoed in her ear. “Tatiana. How are you?”

  She couldn’t tell him, not yet. Biting her lip, she fought for composure.

  “Tatiana? Are you there?” Concern sharpened his tone.

  She slammed the phone down and clasped her hands together.

  “Who was that?”

  “Gabe.”

  “You hung up on him?” Grace rose and came toward her as the phone rang again. “I’ll tell him,” she said softly.

  Tatiana turned and fled to her room. She couldn’t hear his voice again. Not now. To dwell on two devastating losses at once was more than her heart could bear. Her life would be devoid of love, devoid of all that gave it color and joy. The future looked very gray.

  §

  Gabe’s blood thrummed in his ears. Something was terribly wrong. Tatiana’s voice had been fraught with pain. He clenched the phone with white knuckles. “Pick up the phone,” he muttered as the ringing on the other end went on for what seemed like forever.

  “Gabe?” His mother’s voice was tense with concern.

  He breathed a sigh of relief. For a moment, he’d feared something had happened to his mother. “What’s wrong, Mother? Tatiana hung up on me.”

  “Oh, Gabe, I wish you were here.”

  He’d never heard his mother at such a loss for words. “What’s happened?” He listened as she explained Robert’s behavior and Tatiana’s decision not to marry him. The relief that flooded him at the news left him ashamed. Was he such a sour grapes kind of guy that he would begrudge her happiness with someone else just because he couldn’t marry her? On the heels of relief came sadness. She and Irina would have to go back to Russia.

  “There’s more, Gabe, but I want her to tell you.” His mother’s voice sounded frantic.

  “Let me talk to her.” He would reassure her that he would take care of them.

  There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “She says she can’t talk to you right now. That’s why she hung up.”

  “Ask her again.”

  He could hear her steps up the stairs and down the hall as she carried the portable phone, then the knock on Tatiana’s door.

  “Tatiana? Gabe says he must speak with you.”

  It seemed an eternity before he heard Tatiana’s voice.

  “Forgive the hang up, Gabe. I was—I was upset.” Her voice sounded strained over the echo of the overseas line.

  “Calm down, Tat. You know I will take care of you and Irina. Mother told me about Robert.” He wished he was there and could take her in his arms. She wasn’t promised to anyone else right now. On the heels of that thought came that sense of God’s guidance. She still wasn’t a Christian. He squeezed his eyes shut and fought for control. Why was obedience so hard this time? His own desires warred with what he knew God had commanded. He wanted to chuck all he knew God demanded out the window and follow his own heart. How could that be so wrong? How could God ask this of him?

  She sighed. “One day you will marry, Gabe. What would your wife think if you sent money to Russia for me and Irina? I—we will be fine.” Her voice was hollow.

  There was something in her voice he couldn’t read. Something she wasn’t telling him. “I can come home in five days,” he said. “We’ll talk more then.”

  “You will not change my mind,” she said. “This is the way it must be. Good-bye, Gabe.”

  She hung up before he could say anything else. The dial tone buzzed in his ear, and he pulled the phone away and stared at it. He would cancel the conference presentation. The director would scream, but he would simply have to accept the situation. Tatiana and Irina were more important. Picking up the phone, he began to dial.

  §

  Why didn’t she tell Gabe about Irina? Tatiana bit her lip. She was just afraid he would talk Grace out of it, and he couldn’t be allowed to do that. This was the way it must be.

  “Mat.” Irina rubbed her eyes and came into the room. Her curls were in disarray, and her face was pink with sleep.

  A wave of fierce love swept over Tatiana. No sacrifice was too great for her daughter. Grace would care for Irina so much better than she could. And Gabe loved her as his own. Though she couldn’t have him as a husband, Irina would have him as a daddy. It would have to be enough. Her throat closed, and her legs sagged. Sinking to the floor, she held out her arms
to Irina.

  Irina smiled sleepily and snuggled into her mother’s arms. “When is Daddy coming home?” she asked.

  “Soon, my lamb. Very soon.” Tatiana wanted to hold this moment in her memory forever: the scent of her daughter’s hair, the feel of her small arms wrapped around her neck. Through the long years ahead, this would have to be enough. This memory would warm her nights in the cold apartment without Irina. She would remember her daughter in this perfect house, with these people who loved her and wanted the best for her.

  “Mat, it hurts.” Irina squirmed.

  Tatiana let her go with reluctance. Her daughter didn’t understand, but maybe someday she would know what a sacrifice it had cost to give her up. Smoothing the tangled curls back from Irina’s face, she smiled at her daughter through a mist of tears.

  “I’m hungry, Mat.”

  Tatiana stood. “Well, we must do something about that.” Never again would her daughter ask for food and find there was none to give her. Never again would she shiver in the wind with only a thin coat to protect her. The knowledge made her sacrifice somehow easier. She took Irina’s hand and led her downstairs to the kitchen.

  §

  The next few days passed in a haze of pain. Mike contacted an attorney friend, who drew up all the papers. Tatiana’s hand shook as she signed them. She had to keep reminding herself it was for Irina. This pain was not important; only Irina mattered. It would be several months before the adoption was final, but Grace had official custody.

  Tatiana packed her things in her battered suitcase. Tomorrow she would leave for Russia. Deep, pervading sadness gripped her, but she pushed it away. Though no one else might understand, in her heart she knew this was the right thing to do. She had some nice things to take back. Her friends would envy her new clothes. She set the suitcase at the end of her bed and sighed.

  Going to the French door that opened onto the upper patio, she pushed it open and stepped out onto the balcony. The stars were brilliant tonight, like the shimmer in Irina’s eyes when she was born. Like the light of joy in Irina’s face when she and Tatiana had played in the snow with Gabe. The happiness of that moment seemed an eternity ago. Tatiana sank onto the chair and leaned against the railing. Resting her chin on her folded arms, she let the peace of the night wash over her. The pain of the impending separation struck her anew, and she almost cried out.