The Rottenest Angel

  “Yo, Beast!” I called.

  But he ran up to Angel and started licking Angel’s hand. “You and me. Good buddies,” he grunted. Then he scampered off, chasing after a blowing leaf.

  I turned to Angel. “Beast is your friend now? How did that happen?”

  Angel shrugged. “I gave him a box of dog biscuits, too.”

  I clenched my fists. This guy was stealing all my friends.

  The sun beamed down on us. Sweat poured down my forehead. I loosened my tie a little.

  “Hey, there goes the Great Man—Headmaster Upchuck,” Angel said. He pointed.

  The GREAT MAN?

  I turned and saw the Headmaster doing his morning run across the grass. Mr. Upchuck is as short as a third grader, bald, and red-faced. He waddles like a duck when he runs.

  “Wow,” Angel said, “the Great Man looks hot and tired.” Angel picked up a fallen tree limb from the grass. “Maybe I can help Mr. Upchuck out.”

  “What are you going to do with that?” I asked.

  “This will make a good walking stick,” Angel replied. He started to run, holding the tree limb in front of him.

  I should have warned Angel that the Headmaster doesn’t like kids to talk to him. Kids make him nervous. But I didn’t say a word. I just stood and watched.

  Upchuck was jogging slowly toward Pooper’s Pond.

  Angel waved the stick as he ran. “Sir!” he shouted. “I’ve got something for you!”

  Startled, Upchuck lurched to a stop.

  Angel couldn’t stop himself. He ran right into him.

  The tree limb rammed Upchuck in the back.

  And the Headmaster went flying into the pond!

  For a little guy, he made a very big splash.

  I watched as he started thrashing and kicking and splashing. “HELP ME!” the Great Man screamed. “I can’t SWIM! HELLLP!”

  The pond is only four feet deep. But it was over Upchuck’s head.

  Time for me to be the big hero.

  I pulled the long stick from Angel and went running to the edge of the pond. I waved it over him. “Grab on, sir!” I called. “I’ll fish you out. Grab on!”

  He splashed and thrashed some more. Then his little hands grabbed the limb.

  “I’ve got you, sir,” I said. I tugged with all my strength, and he came sliding onto the muddy shore. “Bernie B. to the rescue!”

  “Why—why—why—” he sputtered. He shook his whole body—like a wet dog. Water went flying off him.

  “Bernie,” he snarled, squeezing the soaked knees of his pants. “Get to my office. Now. You knocked me into the water. One of your funny jokes? Well, soon you’re not going to be laughing!”

  “No! Not true!” I cried. “It wasn’t me, sir. It’s not my stick. It—it was the new kid. The new kid—”

  I spun around. Where WAS he?

  Angel?

  Angel had vanished.

  “It was the new kid,” I said. “You’ve gotta believe me, sir. It was Angel Goodeboy. He—”

  “IN MY OFFICE! NOW!” the Great Man shouted.

  As I slunk away, somewhere in the bushes behind me I heard a soft giggle.

  Angel’s giggle.

  Chapter 11

  A SECRET ADMIRER

  That afternoon I went to see my buddies Feenman and Crench in their room. They were down on the floor. I saw an open can of Pringles potato chips next to their bunk beds. They had the chips spread out all over the floor.

  “Dudes, what’s up?” I asked.

  Feenman didn’t look up. He had his head close to the floor and was studying the chips.

  “We’re trying to find one that’s different,” Crench said.

  Feenman sighed. “So far, they’re all the same.”

  “Why are you looking for one that’s different?” I asked.

  Feenman shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  Crench shrugged, too. “Something to do, I guess.”

  “Mr. Boring said we should do experiments,” Feenman said. (Mr. Boring is our Science teacher.) “I like doing experiments with chips because then I can eat them.” He grabbed up a handful of chips and shoved them into his mouth.

  “How do they taste?” Crench asked.

  “Mmmph-mmmph. All the same,” Feenman said.

  “Interesting,” Crench said. “Very interesting. We should experiment with the nacho cheese flavor, too. And maybe garlic and onion.”

  I let out an angry cry and kicked the Pringles can across the room.

  “Big B, what’s your problem?” Feenman asked.

  “Didn’t you hear?” I said. “I’m on probation.”

  They both gasped. Chewed-up chips dribbled out of Feenman’s mouth. He picked the sticky blob up from the floor and shoved it back into his mouth. “Probation? Is that good or bad?”

  “Bad,” I said. “Very bad.”

  “What does it mean?” Crench asked.

  I shook my head. “It means that Angel Goodeboy is trying to get me kicked out of school. First he wanted my room all to himself. Now he wants me totally gone.”

  Feenman climbed to his feet. “But Angel is a good guy, Bernie,” he said. “Look. He gave us these chips.”

  “Yeah. You’ve gotta give the dude a chance,” Crench said.

  I gritted my teeth. “See?” I cried. “He’s even got YOU guys fooled! He’s not an angel. He’s EVIL!” I started pacing back and forth and accidentally stepped on the chips.

  CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.

  “Watch out,” Feenman said. “I gotta eat those!”

  “Don’t you guys see what he’s doing?” I shouted. “He’s got all my friends fooled. And Mrs. Heinie, too. What am I gonna do?”

  Angel appeared in the doorway. He grinned at us. “Dudes, I hope you weren’t talking about me!” He laughed. “Sorry you got into trouble this morning, Bernie.”

  Before I could answer, Belzer pushed his way into the room. He was carrying a big bouquet of flowers wrapped in a paper cone.

  “Are those for me?” Angel cried. He made a grab for them. “Probably from my mother back home. Or maybe my big sister, Honey Goodeboy. Or maybe my other sister, Angelcake Goodeboy.”

  Belzer pulled them away from him. “They’re not for you,” he said. “They’re for Bernie.”

  I took the flowers and sniffed them. “Well, of course, they’re for me,” I told Angel. “From one of my many admirers.”

  I carried them into my room. The guys followed me. “I know who they’re from!” I said. “April-May has finally come to her senses. She’s crazy about me! Look at these flowers. Awesome! I knew she’d finally wake up.”

  I found a small card inside the paper cone. I pulled it out. My fingers trembled as I started to open it.…

  Were they really from April-May?

  Chapter 12

  TRAITORS

  No. They were not.

  I took Feenman and Crench aside. “I forgot,” I said. “I ordered these flowers. From that store we passed in town—Flowers ’n’ Junk.”

  They squinted at me. “You ordered flowers to give to yourself?” Crench asked.

  “No.” I whispered because I didn’t want Angel to hear. “They’re for Mrs. Heinie. I’m gonna give them to her after dinner tonight.”

  “Huh?” Feenman said. “Why?”

  “I’ve got to win her back to my side,” I said. “Maybe she’ll believe me when I tell her that Angel is really a devil.”

  “But he’s not a devil,” Crench said. “He gave us free candy bars.”

  “He’s a good dude,” Feenman said. “Check out how he’s feeding the dog.”

  “But it’s MY dog!” I cried. “And MY candy bars.”

  “ANGEL IS A GOOD BIRD!”

  Lippy squawked.

  “ANGEL IS A GOOD BIRD!”

  “Has everyone turned traitor?” I cried.

  Feenman and Crench headed back to their room. Angel and I were alone. I set the flowers down on my cot. Angel was feeding Gassy dog biscuit after dog
biscuit.

  BRRRAAAAAP.

  “Eew! He stinks! He stinks!” Angel gasped, holding his nose.

  “That’s why we didn’t name him Flowers,” I said. It was a joke, but Angel didn’t laugh.

  He tossed the empty dog biscuit box to the floor. “Bernie, who is this April-May June you were talking about?”

  “She’s my girlfriend,” I said. “Are you going to give her a box of dog biscuits, too?” Another joke. Angel didn’t seem to get jokes.

  He stared at me. “Your girlfriend?”

  “Only she doesn’t know it yet,” I said.

  He nodded. I could see his little brain spinning. “Maybe I can help you,” he said.

  Uh-oh.

  “Help me?” I replied.

  “I owe you a favor,” Angel said, “since I ACCIDENTALLY got you into trouble with Headmaster Upchuck this morning.”

  “Yeah. Accidentally,” I muttered.

  “Girls all like me,” Angel said. “They think I’m cute and cuddly. Maybe I can get April-May to go to the movies with you.”

  I shook my head so hard, my ears rattled. “No way!” I shouted. “Don’t even think about it!”

  I took a few angry steps toward him. “I’m warning you—stay away from April-May.”

  He pretended he didn’t hear me. “I’ll give it a try,” he said. “That’s what best friends are for—right, good buddy?”

  Chapter 13

  GOOD BUDDY

  The next afternoon was gray and cool. I felt a few raindrops on my head as I walked across campus.

  Where was I walking? I didn’t care. Sometimes taking a long walk helps me think. And I was thinking hard—about guess who?

  Yes. My new best friend. Only, when it came to Angel, I spelled friend P-E-S-T.

  A few minutes before, Angel had stopped me in front of Rotten House. “Hey, good buddy. I talked to your girlfriend,” he said.

  Huh? I felt a heavy rock form in my stomach.

  Angel patted me on the shoulder. “She said she’ll go to the movies with you. No problem.”

  I opened my mouth in shock. He didn’t let me say anything. He clapped a hand over my mouth.

  “Don’t thank me,” he said. “You’re my good buddy. You know I’m always happy to do you a favor. Gosh and golly. You’re my best friend. Please—don’t thank me.”

  I didn’t thank him. I didn’t know what to say.

  Did he really talk to April-May? Did she really say she’d go with me to Movie Night?

  I continued my walk, thinking about it. I barely noticed the raindrops. I wasn’t even watching where I was walking.

  Suddenly—“OWWWWWWW!” I let out a scream. I hit the ground hard, tackled from behind.

  A heavy weight fell on top of me, pinning me to the grass.

  “Guess who?” a voice said.

  I didn’t have to guess. I knew it was Jennifer Ecch.

  Jennifer Ecch, the biggest, strongest, toughest, tackling-est girl in school. I call her Nightmare Girl.

  She jumped up. Then she pulled me to my feet and dusted me off. “Hi, Honey Face,” she said.

  “Please don’t call me Honey Face,” I begged.

  She tenderly smoothed back my hair. With both hands! She smoothed so hard, hanks of my hair came out!

  Do you know how embarrassing it is to be in fourth grade and have a girl totally in love with you?

  “Jennifer, why are your hands so sticky?” I cried.

  She grinned. “I was eating a candy apple, Sugar Nostrils.”

  “PLEASE don’t call me Sugar Nostrils!”

  She hugged me. I heard at least eight ribs snap. “Of COURSE I’ll go to the movies with you!” Jennifer boomed. “You didn’t have to send that new kid to ask me.”

  She hugged me tighter. I couldn’t breathe. Didn’t she see that my face had turned blue? “Sweety Neck, why didn’t you ask me yourself?” she said.

  My mouth dropped open. My eyes rolled around in my head. My ears rattled again. “Excuse me?”

  “That cute new kid. Angel,” Jennifer said. “He said you wanted to ask me to Movie Night. He said you were too shy to ask me yourself.”

  I clamped my eyes shut. Angel got me again!

  Jennifer covered my arms with sticky, candy-apple kisses. Rain started to pour down on us. Jennifer didn’t seem to care. She didn’t stop till my arms were totally sticky and wet.

  Finally I slithered out of her grasp and slunk away.

  I had to find Angel.

  I told you—I’m a talker, not a fighter. But I kept clenching and unclenching my fists as I trudged through the pounding rain.

  I was soaked by the time I reached Rotten House. My shoes squished as I climbed the stairs to my room. Oops. I mean, OUR room.

  Angel was hunched over my computer. Probably deleting more homework of mine.

  I burst into the room, shaking off water. “YO!” I let out an angry shout.

  He turned. His smile faded quickly. “Bernie? What’s wrong?”

  I took a deep breath. Calm, Bernie. Gotta be calm.

  “Why did you invite Jennifer to the movies for me?” I asked, clenching my teeth.

  He wrinkled up his face. “Who?”

  “Jennifer Ecch.”

  He slapped himself on the forehead. “You mean that wasn’t April-May? I got the wrong girl?”

  I gritted my teeth harder. Steam poured out of my ears. “Yesssssss,” I hissed. “You got the wrong girl.”

  “Oh, my gosh and goodness! My bad!” Angel said. “I’m new here. I was only trying to help. I really thought she was April-May!”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. Sure.”

  “I WAS BAD! I WAS BAD!” Angel screamed. He stood up and started to bang his head against the wall.

  THUD! THUD! THUD!

  “I WAS BAD! I WAS BAD!”

  I leaped across the room and grabbed him. I tried to pull him away from the wall.

  And once again I heard Mrs. Heinie’s startled cry from behind me. “Bernie! What are you doing to Angel?”

  I spun around to face her. “Who? ME?” I cried.

  “I’ve warned you about this,” she said. “Come with me.” She started to pull me from the room.

  “Mrs. H.—wait!” I cried. I made a grab for the flowers. “I have something for you.”

  “I have something for you,” she said. “Three hours of cleanup duty. Starting now.”

  “But—but—” I stuttered. “Mrs. Heinie, you know I can’t clean things. It makes my skin flake off. I have a doctor’s note—”

  “Three hours,” she said, pulling me harder. “You can start by scrubbing the bathroom floors.”

  “Scrub? I don’t know that word. Is that a foreign word?”

  I tried to give her the flowers. But Angel swiped them from my hand.

  Mrs. Heinie pulled me out into the hall. I turned back. The last thing I saw was Angel, standing there with a big grin on his face. He had my flowers in one hand, and he was happily waving good-bye to me with the other.

  Chapter 14

  “ISN’T ANGEL AWESOME?”

  Yes, it was the worst day of my life. I learned what scrub means. It’s not on my list of 10,000 Favorite Words.

  After three hours of scrubbing and rubbing and drubbing and grubbing and whatever else you do to make things sparkle and shine, I was toast. My hands swelled up to the size of baseball gloves. My heart thrummed. My knees wobbled. My tongue hung down to my shoes.

  I staggered outside. The Great Lawn glistened with raindrops. The walk was dotted with puddles. I splashed right through them.

  “Hey!” I cried out when I saw April-May June walking near the girls’ dorm. I staggered after her.

  She’s so shy. She usually runs away when she sees me coming. But now she spun around with a big smile on her beautiful face.

  “Isn’t Angel awesome?” she gushed.

  “Huh?” My eyes bulged.

  “He asked me to Movie Night on Friday,” April-May said. “And look—he g
ave me these flowers.”

  “WHAAAAAAAAA?”

  I wailed. I stared at the bouquet in April-May’s hand.

  MY FLOWERS!

  The flowers I bought to give Mrs. Heinie!

  “Isn’t Angel the sweetest?” April-May said, holding the flowers to her face and sniffing them.

  “The sweetest,” I muttered. My heart pounded. I felt weak. My knees folded. I sat down in a puddle.

  Cold water seeped through my pants. I had a soaking wet butt. But who cares? I watched April-May run off, carrying my flowers.

  Angel wants my room, my friends, my pets, and my girlfriend! I told myself.

  I sat there for a few minutes, in a daze. Finally I pulled myself to my feet and started walking again.

  Flora and Fauna, the Peevish twins, were standing by the statue of our school’s founder, I. B. Rotten. They were slapping each other and pulling each other’s hair and screaming a lot.

  “What are you fighting about?” I asked.

  “I saw Angel first!” Fauna screamed. “I get to hang out with him after class!”

  “But he doesn’t LIKE you!” Flora cried. “He likes me because I’m prettier!”

  “Prettier?! Are you crazy?” her sister wailed. “We’re IDENTICAL—remember?”

  “I saw him first!”

  “But I talked to him first!”

  “OUCH!”

  “OUCH!”

  They slapped each other and tugged out hanks of each other’s hair as they staggered away. Fighting over Angel…

  “I can’t take this anymore!” I cried. I sat down in another puddle and buried my head in my hands.

  Across the grass I heard voices. I looked up and saw that spoiled rich kid, Sherman Oaks. My biggest enemy—from the other boys’ dorm—the dorm we all hate—Nyce House.

  Sherman was talking with Angel. He was showing off a new cell phone. I watched them from my seat in the puddle. They were watching a movie on Sherman’s phone!

  “Oh, wow.” I buried my head in my hands again. Sherman used to brag about his expensive new toys to ME!