Silver Shadows

  It’s not about skill, I finally realized. It’s about accuracy. Stuart’s pears were perfect, but he’d added a couple more than were there in real life. He’d also altered the fruit’s position and painted a blue bowl—which looked much better than the actual brown one being used. Emma, while having created a much more rudimentary work, had the correct number of fruit, had placed them perfectly, and had matched every color exactly. The Alchemists didn’t want creativity or embellishment. This was about copying what you were told to do, no questions and no deviation.

  No one made any effort to help or advise me, so I stood there stupidly for a little while and tried to pick up on what the others were doing. I knew the basics of painting with acrylics from being around Adrian but had no practical experience myself. There was a communal supply of brushes and paint tubes near the fruit, so I made my way there with some of the other students and tried to pick my initial colors. Everyone gave me a wide berth, and when I selected and rejected one paint color for not being a close enough match, the next person who picked it up made sure to wipe the tube clean before taking it to her station. I finally returned to mine with several tubes, and while I couldn’t speak for my ability to mimic the fruit, I felt fairly confident my colors were spot-on. I could at least play that part of the Alchemist game.

  Getting started was slow work, though. I still felt terrible and weak and had a hard time even squeezing out some of the paint. I hoped we weren’t being graded on speed. Just when I finally thought I might attempt to put brush to canvas, the door to the room opened, and Sheridan entered with one of her henchmen. Each was holding a tray full of cups, and I didn’t need her to say a word because I could identify the contents on smell alone.

  Coffee.

  “Sorry for the interruption,” said Sheridan, wearing her big fake smile. “Everyone’s been working so hard lately that we thought we’d offer up a little treat: vanilla lattes.”

  I swallowed and stared in disbelief as my fellow detainees swarmed toward her and each took a cup. Vanilla lattes. How many times had I dreamed of those in captivity, when I’d been half-starved on that lukewarm gruel? It didn’t even matter if they were skinny or full of sugar. I’d been deprived of anything like that for so long, and my natural instinct was to run up with the others and grab a cup.

  But I couldn’t. Not after the purging I’d just been through. Both my stomach and throat were raw, and I knew if I ate or drank anything other than water, it would come right back up. The coffee’s siren song was torture to my mind, but my poor, sensitive stomach knew better. I couldn’t have handled the gruel right now, let alone something as acidic as that latte.

  “Sydney?” asked Sheridan, fixing that smile on me. She held up her tray. “There’s one cup left.” I wordlessly shook my head, and she placed the cup on Addison’s desk. “I’ll just leave it here in case you change your mind, shall I?”

  I couldn’t take my eyes off that cup and wondered which Sheridan wanted more: to see me suffering and deprived, or to have me risk it all and throw up in front of my classmates.

  “Favorite of yours?” a low voice asked.

  I was so certain no one could be speaking to me directly that I didn’t even look for the speaker right away. With great effort, I dragged my gaze from the longed-for latte and discovered it was my neighbor who’d spoken, a tall, nice-looking guy who was maybe five years older than me. He had a lanky frame and wore wire-rimmed glasses that added an intellectual air, not that Alchemists needed it.

  “What makes you say that?” I asked quietly.

  He smiled knowingly. “Because that’s how it always is. When someone goes to their first purging, the rest of us get ‘rewarded’ with one of that person’s favorite foods. Sorry about this, by the way.” He paused to drink some of the latte. “But I haven’t had coffee in ages.”

  I winced and looked away. “Knock yourself out.”

  “At least you resisted,” he added. “Not everyone does. Addison doesn’t like the risk of us spilling hot drinks in here, but she’d like it even less if someone got sick all over her studio.”

  I glanced up at our teacher, who was offering advice to a gray-haired detainee. “She doesn’t seem to like a lot of things. Except gum.”

  The smell of coffee was stronger than ever in the room, both alluring and revolting. Trying desperately to block it out, I lifted my paintbrush and was about to attempt some grapes when I heard a click of disapproval beside me. I glanced back at the guy, who shook his head at me.

  “You’re just going to start like that? Come on, maybe you don’t have the values of a good Alchemist, but you should still have the logic of one. Here.” He offered me a pencil. “Sketch. At least start with quadrants to guide you.”

  “Aren’t you afraid I’ll taint your pencil?” The words were out before I could stop them.

  He chuckled. “You can keep it.”

  I turned back to the blank canvas and stared at it for several moments. Gingerly, I divided my canvas into four parts and then did my best to make a rough sketch of the fruit bowl, paying careful attention to where each piece was in relation to the others. Partway through, I noticed the easel was too tall for me, further complicating things, but I couldn’t figure out how to adjust it. Seeing my struggles, the guy beside me leaned over and deftly lowered my easel to a more suitable height before resuming his own work.

  “Thanks,” I said. The expectant canvas in front of me diminished whatever pleasure I might have felt from the friendly gesture. I attempted to sketch again. “I’ve seen my boyfriend do this a hundred times. Never thought I’d be doing it as some sort of twisted ‘therapy.’”

  “Your boyfriend’s an artist?”

  “Yes,” I said warily, uncertain if I wanted to engage in this topic. Thanks to Sheridan, it was no secret my boyfriend was a Moroi.

  The guy gave a small snort of amusement. “Artistic, huh? Haven’t heard that one before. Usually when I meet girls like you—who fall for guys like them—all I ever hear about is how cute they are.”

  “He is really cute,” I admitted, curious as to how many girls like me this guy had met.

  He shook his head in amusement as he worked on his painting. “Of course. I guess he’d have to be for you to risk so much, huh? Alchemists never fall for the Moroi who aren’t cute and brooding.”

  “I never said he was brooding.”

  “He’s a ‘really cute’ vampire who paints. Are you saying he doesn’t brood?”

  I felt my cheeks flush a little. “He broods a little. Okay … a lot.”

  My neighbor chuckled again, and we both painted in silence for some time. Then, out of the blue, he said, “I’m Duncan.”

  I was so startled, my hand jerked, causing my already bad banana to look even worse. In over three months, these were the first genuinely civil words anyone had spoken to me. “I … I’m Sydney,” I said automatically.

  “I know,” he said. “And it’s nice to meet you, Sydney.”

  My hand began to tremble, forcing me to set down the brush. I had made it through months of deprivation in the dark, endured the glares and name-calling from my peers, and somehow even survived being made medically ill without a tear. But this small act of kindness, this nice and ordinary gesture between two people … well, it almost broke me when nothing else had. It drove home how far away I was from everything—from Adrian, my friends, safety, sanity … it was all gone. I was here in this tightly regulated prison of a world, where my every move was governed by people who wanted to change the way I thought. And there was no sign of when I’d get out of here.

  “Now, now,” said Duncan brusquely. “None of that. They love it when you cry.”

  I blinked back my tears and gave a hasty nod as I retrieved my brush. I set it back on the canvas, barely aware of what I did. Duncan also continued painting, his eyes on his work as he spoke more.

  “You’ll probably be able to eat when dinner comes. But don’t overdo it. Be smart about what you eat—and don’t be s
urprised if you find another favorite of yours on the menu.”

  “They really know how to make a point, don’t they?” I grumbled.

  “Yes. Yes, they do.” Even without looking at him, I could tell he was smiling, though his voice soon grew serious again. “You remind me of someone I used to know here. She was my friend. When the powers-that-be realized we were friends, she went away. Friends are armor, and they don’t like that here. Do you understand what I’m saying to you?”

  “I—I think so,” I said.

  “Good. Because I’d like us to be friends.”

  The chimes signaling the end of class sounded, and Duncan began gathering up his things. He started to walk away, and I found myself asking, “What was her name? Your friend who was taken?”

  He paused, and the look of pain that crossed his face immediately made me regret asking. “Chantal,” he said at last, his voice barely a whisper. “I haven’t seen her in over a year.” Something in his tone made me think she’d been more than a friend. But I couldn’t think much about that when I processed the rest of what he’d said.

  “A year …” I did a double take. “What did you do to get here?”

  He simply gave me a sad smile. “Don’t forget what I said, Sydney. About friends.”

  I didn’t forget. And when he didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day and instead hung out with the other glaring and snickering detainees, I understood. He couldn’t show me any special treatment, not when our peers and the unseen eyes of superior Alchemists were always watching. But his words burned inside me, giving me strength. Friends are armor. I’d like us to be friends. I was trapped in this terrible place, full of torture and mind control … but I had a friend—one friend—even if no one else knew. It was empowering, and that knowledge helped carry me through another class full of Moroi propaganda and sustained me when a girl tripped me in the hall with a muttered, “Vamp whore.”

  Our last class wasn’t really a class at all. It was a session called “communion time,” and it took place in a room they called the sanctuary, where apparently Sunday church services were also held. I made note of that because it meant I’d have a way to mark time. It was a beautiful room, with high ceilings and wooden pews. No windows, though. Apparently they were serious about cutting off our escape options—or maybe it would’ve simply been too uplifting for us to see the sun and sky every once in a while.

  One wall of the sanctuary was full of writing, and I lingered in front of it as my fellow detainees filed in. Here, on painted white bricks, was a record of all those who had come before me, written in their own hand. Some were short and to the point: Forgive me, I have sinned. Others were full-out paragraphs, detailing perceived crimes and how their authors longed for redemption. Some were signed, some were anonymous.

  “We call this the Wall of Truth,” said Sheridan, walking up beside me with a clipboard. “Sometimes people feel better after confessing their sins upon it. Perhaps you’d like to?”

  “Maybe later,” I said.

  I followed her to a circle of chairs, set up away from the pews. Everyone settled down, and she made no comments when my nearest neighbors scooted their chairs a few inches away. Communion time, it seemed, was a type of group therapy, and Sheridan engaged the circle in what everyone had accomplished today. Emma was the first to speak up.

  “I learned that although I have made progress in restoring my soul, I have a long way to go before I attain perfection. The greatest sin is to give up, and I’ll keep going forward until I’m completely immersed in light.”

  Duncan, sitting beside her, said, “I made progress in art. When we started class today, I didn’t think anything good would come of it. But I was wrong.”

  Whatever temptation that might’ve given me to smile was cut short when the girl beside him said, “I learned today how glad I am to not be as bad as someone like Sydney. Questioning my orders was wrong, but at least I never let one of them lay their profane hands on me.”

  I flinched and expected Sheridan to laud the speaker for her virtue, but instead, Sheridan fixed cold eyes on the girl. “You think that’s true, Hope? You think you have the right to declare who’s better or worse among you? You’re all here because you’ve committed grave crimes, make no mistake about it. Your insubordination may not have resulted in the same vile outcome as Sydney’s, but it stemmed from a place just as dark. Failure to obey, failure to heed those who know best … that is the sin at hand, and you’re just as guilty of it as her.”

  Hope had gone so white, it was a wonder someone didn’t accuse her of being a Strigoi. “I—I didn’t mean—that is—I—”

  “It’s clear you didn’t learn as much as you thought you did today,” said Sheridan. “I think you need to do some further learning.” And through another unseen command, her henchmen showed up and hauled off a protesting Hope. I felt sick inside, and it had nothing to do with my earlier purging. I wondered if she’d face the same fate, though her fault here seemed to be pride, not defense of Moroi.

  Sheridan turned to me now. “What about you, Sydney? What did you learn today?”

  All those eyes turned on me. “I learned that I have a lot to learn.”

  “Indeed you do,” she replied gravely. “Admitting that is a big step toward redemption. Would you like to share your history with the others? You may find it liberating.”

  I hesitated under the weight of those stares, unsure what answer would get me in the most trouble. “I … I’d like to,” I began slowly. “But I don’t think I’m ready. I’m just still so overwhelmed by everything.”

  “That’s understandable,” she said, causing me to sag in relief. “But once you see how much everyone’s grown here, I think you’ll want to share. You can’t overcome your sins if you keep them locked up inside.”

  There was a warning note in her voice that was impossible to miss, and I responded with a solemn nod. Mercifully, after that, she moved on to someone else, and I was spared. I spent the rest of the hour listening to them blather on about the amazing progress they’d all made in casting off the darkness in their souls. I wondered how many of them meant what they said and how many were just trying to get out of here like me. I also wondered: If they had made that much progress, then why were they still here?

  After communion time, we were dismissed for dinner. Waiting in line, I heard the others chatting about how chicken parmesan had been replaced at the last minute by fettuccine alfredo. I also heard someone say fettuccine alfredo was Hope’s favorite. When she joined the end of the line, pale and shaken—and shunned by the others—I realized what had happened. Chicken parmesan was a childhood favorite of mine—which the authorities here probably knew from my family—and had originally been on the menu to punish me and my purging-weakened stomach. Hope’s act of insubordination had trumped mine, however, resulting in a last-minute dinner switch. The Alchemists really were serious about making a point.

  Hope’s miserable face confirmed as much when she sat alone at one of the empty tables and stared at her food without touching a thing. Although the sauce was too rich for me, I at least was at a point where I could stomach some of the milder sides and milk. Watching her then, ostracized like me, struck me deeply. Just earlier that day, I’d seen her in the thick of social life with the others. Now she was shunned, just like that. Seeing an opportunity, I started to stand up, intending to join her. Across the room, Duncan, who was sitting and chatting pleasantly with a group of others, caught my eye and gave a sharp headshake. I wavered a few moments and then sat down again, feeling ashamed and cowardly for not taking a stand with another pariah.

  “She wouldn’t have thanked you for it,” he murmured to me after dinner. We were in the facility’s small library, allowed to choose a book to take back for bedtime reading. All the books were nonfiction, reinforcing Alchemist principles. “This stuff happens, and she’ll be back with the others tomorrow. You going to her would’ve drawn attention and maybe delayed that. Worse, if she did welcome you, the
powers-that-be would’ve noticed and thought the troublemakers were ganging up.”

  He selected a book seemingly at random and walked away before I could respond. I wanted to ask him at what point I’d be accepted by the others—or if I’d ever be accepted. Surely everyone had gone through what I had at some point. And surely they’d eventually worked themselves into the detainees’ social world.

  Back in my room, Emma made it clear no breakthroughs were going to occur with her. “I’m making good progress,” she told me primly. “I don’t need you ruining it with your perversions. The only thing we do in this room is sleep. Don’t talk to me. Don’t interact with me. Don’t even look at me if you can help it.”

  With that, she took her book and lay on the bed, purposely putting her back to me. I didn’t care, though. It was no different than any other attitude I’d received today, and I now had a much bigger concern on my mind. I’d scarcely allowed myself to think about it until now. There’d been too many other trials and ordeals to get through, but now we were here. The end of the day. Bedtime. Once I was in pajamas (identical to my day scrubs) and had brushed my teeth, I got into bed with a barely constrained excitement.

  I would sleep soon. And I would dream of Adrian.

  The realization had swirled at the back of my mind, keeping me going through my low points. This was what I had worked for, why I had endured the day’s indignities. I was out of my cell and free of the gas. Now I would sleep normally and dream of him … provided my eagerness didn’t keep me awake.

  As it turned out, that wasn’t going to be an issue. After an hour of reading time, the chimes sounded, and the lights went out automatically. The room’s door was a sliding pocket door that didn’t quite hit flush against the wall, allowing a crack of light in from the hall that I was kind of happy to see after my months in pitch-blackness. I heard a click, like some kind of bolt coming out, that locked the door in place. I snuggled into the covers, filled with excitement … and suddenly began to feel tired. Very tired. One minute I was imagining what I’d say to Adrian; the next, I could barely keep my eyes open. I fought it, forcing my mind to stay focused, but it was as though a heavy fog was descending on me, weighing me down and clouding my mind. It was a sensation I was all too familiar with.