Falling (Fading Series)

  I back us up to the desk and lean against it as I pull her between my legs. She keeps her head on my chest, and I continue rubbing her back, trying to calm her down. She isn’t speaking. I know she’s trying hard to keep herself together, and all of a sudden, being here with her isn’t something I want to be doing anymore. I hate that this was the first place I ever saw her. I hate the visions that are starting to play back through my head.

  I hold her, but all I can see is her covered in blood and dirt, lying naked on the ground. My heart rate picks up as the guilt returns. I could have done so many things differently that night. If I would have just gone out there sooner . . .

  I focus back on Candace when she lifts her head. Keeping my focus on her before I get too consumed, I ask, “You okay?”

  She nods, placing her head back on my chest, saying, “I hate seeing that dumpster.” I hold her closer when she says this because I hate it too. I hate everything about that goddamn night. “It’s weird because I also love it in a messed up way. It’s all I had to focus on.”

  “I’m so sorry.” I think about what must have been going through her head, the sheer terror she must have felt, and my stomach begins to knot up.

  “When I dream about that night, it’s always taken away from me. There’s nothing to distract me.”

  “I wish I knew his name.” I would find him and destroy him if given the chance. I would kill him for everything he took away from her.

  She looks up at me and cups my clenched jaw, lifting onto her toes, and planting a kiss on my lips. I pull her into me and take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Being here with her, I’m starting to feel like I’m lying, and the guilt is eating at me the longer we are here. I never thought that deciding not to tell her about who I am would make me feel like it is right now. Deceitful.

  I’m trying to keep the memories out of my head, but I can’t help the constant flashes I’m getting each time I close my eyes. I’m not sure I’ll ever stop hearing her pleading screams from that night. It’s a part of her that I’ll always have to bear, but it’ll never even come close to all that she has had to endure.

  I shift my thoughts because this is huge for her, and I need her to know that. I tell her how proud I am that she came up here with me, but I can tell she wants to leave, and honestly, so do I.

  I call Max as I drive to see if he can meet me at the bar after my workout. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to getting things settled at work since I fired Michael a couple weeks ago, and the one person who knows that place inside and out, the one person I trust completely, is Max. It only makes sense to me that he would be someone that I could have complete confidence in, and knowing that he has a baby on the way, he’d be an idiot to not take the opportunity I’m about to offer him.

  After a couple hours of lifting and running, I head up to Blur to meet with Max. He’s sitting at the bar, chatting with Mel when I walk in.

  “Hey, man. Let’s go to my office,” I say, and he follows me up the stairs.

  “So, what’s on your mind?” he asks as we sit down.

  “I’m gonna be honest with you here,” I start. “Candace is graduating in a couple of months, and I doubt that she’s gonna be staying here in Seattle.”

  “You think you’ll go with her?” he asks.

  “I can’t let her go without me, but I can’t let this place fold either,” I tell him. “I know you have a lot going on with Traci, but . . .”

  “Look, you know I’ll help out in any way I can.”

  “I was hoping you could help run this place,” I say. “You know everything about the job, and you’ve always been loyal to me. Shit’s been crazy since I let Michael go, but I’d like to bring you on as his permanent replacement, which means a sizable salary increase.”

  “Are you serious?” he says as he leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

  “Completely. It’s yours.”

  He stands up and I follow as he walks towards me and claps his hand in mine for a solid shake as he grips my shoulder with his other hand.

  “So, you’re in?” I ask.

  “I’m in, boss.”

  “Great,” I sigh in relief as I sit back down. “You know the drill, man, so let’s get this going in the next couple days if you can manage on short notice?”

  “Yeah. No problem. You still going out of town this weekend?”

  “Yep. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone. A week, give or take a few days. It’s Candace’s last break before graduation, and I know she wants to spend time with my mom.”

  “You need an extra guy for the door?” he asks.

  “I don’t think so. Chase has been doing a good job at keeping everything under control in that department. Plus people are used to seeing you down there, so I think if you can keep that gig going when you have extra time, that would be great.”

  We finish up, filling out a few forms and going over some stuff I need him to take care of while I’m in Oregon next week. Having this situation settled takes a lot of stress off my shoulders, and even though Candace has yet to bring up school coming to an end, she has nothing to worry about.

  When I’m all done, I head back to the loft, but Candace’s car is still gone as I pull into the driveway. I grab a quick shower and get cleaned up. When she gets home a little while later we spend the afternoon listening to a few demos from local bands. Mark is graduating with most of the guys in the band, so I need to go ahead and find alternatives for when their gig is up with me in June.

  I watch Candace in the kitchen, and when she walks back into the room, I tell her, “Something’s been bothering me today.” As she moves past me, I grab her and pull her onto my lap. “I’ve never seen you dance.”

  “Oh . . . yeah, I guess not,” she says and then adds, “But you will in May when we have our production. You’ll see me a lot. I have three ensembles plus my solo.”

  “It just bothers me that there is a huge part of your life that I’ve never seen.” I see her nearly every day wearing her leotards, warm-up pants, and leg-warmers. I even watch her stretch and do her ankle exercises every chance I get. But I have yet to see my girl dance.

  “Well, I can grab some videos at the studio of past performances,” she offers. “They have also recorded some of our studios this year. Would that suffice for you, watching me on video?”

  I grab her, flipping her down on the couch onto her back, and nip her neck before letting her know, “Nothing about you will ever suffice for me. I’m always gonna want more.”

  She laughs as we continue to kiss, and when she begins tugging my shirt up, I reach back and pull it over my head, tossing it onto the floor. Her smile is big and she keeps it on her face when I take her ankle and begin kissing and sucking my way up her leg. I love these legs.

  I grip her behind her knees and go in for a slow kiss. The taste of her in my mouth is something I’ll never tire of, so I take it as she runs her hands up my arms, my neck, and into my hair, fisting it in her hands.

  She’s playful with me as we take our time removing each other’s clothing. My need to touch her is strong, but I know she’s still really hesitant about being touched in that way, so I don’t even try. Her light-heartedness right now is charming, and when she giggles and admits, “This tattoo is hot,” as she grazes my shoulder with her hand, I smile down at her and laugh.

  “Why’s that?”

  Pressing her lips together, she shakes her head, too shy to say what she’s thinking, and I tease, “Don’t let it fool you. I’m a private school prep just like you.”

  She laughs at me, responding with, “Your small town private school?” poking fun.

  I run my hands down her small shoulders and take both of her breasts in my hands as I say with a smirk, “That small town has a lot of money running through it, and you love it there.”

  “I do love it there,” she agrees and then runs her hand down the center of my chest, before adding in a more serious tone, “But I love it here—with you—more.” br />
  After I put on some protection, I make my way to the place I love the most—inside of her. She wraps her arms around my neck as we make love on my couch while the rain pours outside the windows. The beating of the rain mixed with our breaths fills the room as we take our time with each other, her eyes never straying from mine as I give myself to her.

  I roll to the side, bringing her with me as I grab her thigh and drape it over my hip. Taking her bottom in my hand, I rock her into me as our heads are pressed together. Her eyes fully sated, green with golden flakes, her hands on my cheeks, sweet breath brushing my lips. Fuck, she’s amazing at this.

  Running my hand lazily up and down her bare back, we lie on the floor, wrapped up in a blanket together. With her head on my chest, she’s been really quiet ever since we made love earlier.

  “What are you thinking about, babe?”

  “Hmm,” she hums softly.

  Laughing under my breath, I say, “That’s a pathetic answer,” and then feel her chest as she silently laughs.

  “Seriously though. What’s on your mind? You’ve been really quiet.”

  “I ran into Kimber today. She was leaving Jase’s when I walked into his building.”

  “Did you guys talk?”

  “She just asked where I’ve been, and I could tell she was hurt. Jase told me she reached out to him and that she’s really upset.”

  “I’m sorry, babe. I know how much this bothers you. Have you thought anymore about talking to her?”

  Now that I know what the issue is between them, I tried talking to Candace about reaching out to her roommate the other week, but she shut it down, telling me that the only way Kimber would talk to her is if she told her the truth, and she didn’t want to do that. I know that she doesn’t want to say the words. She told me that she never even said them to Jase; she made a nurse tell him at the hospital, and that I’m the only one she’s spoken them to. When she explained this to me, I dropped it.

  “I just can’t. I don’t trust her enough to not do something.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you to do. Just try talking to her and see if you guys can move past this,” I offer weakly.

  She closes her eyes before saying, “I think it would help if I went back home.”

  “Candace . . .”

  “Ryan, I was only supposed to be here for a week or two. I never intended on moving in like this,” she tells me. “But, we are about to graduate, and I’d like to see if this is fixable. I can’t do that if I’m not there.”

  “I still want you here,” I let her know, not wanting her to leave.

  “And I’ll still be here. Just not every night.”

  Candace has been staying with me for a little over a month, and I love that she’s here and that I get to come home to her every night. But I also know that this is important to her, and even though I don’t like the idea of her no longer staying here, I won’t be anything other than completely supportive of her.

  “Okay,” I respond. “We can go tomorrow and take some of your things back.”

  She smiles and says, “Thanks for understanding,” and then gives me a kiss as I press her naked body against mine, fully savoring the rest of our night.

  “Babe, you don’t have to pack everything,” I complain as I watch her pulling her clothes out of my closet. Truth is, I don’t like this feeling in my stomach right now as she packs her stuff up. I like seeing her things in my space.

  Getting off the bed, I walk inside the closet to where she is and say, “Just leave a few things.”

  With an armful of clothes, she turns to me and says, “Ryan, I live less than five minutes away from you. I’ll still be here.”

  I know I’m being a pussy about this, but I don’t give a shit. I like her with me, here in my home, in my bed. So I repeat, “Just leave a few things.”

  She steps to me and looks up as I fold her in my arms. “I love you,” she whispers, and I give her back the same words.

  I carry her bags downstairs and out to the car before I drive her back to her house. Kimber’s car is there when we pull up, and Candace lets out a deep breath.

  “You okay?”

  “I know I need to be here, but it’s just so hard.”

  I get out of the car and walk around to her side, opening the door. “Call me or come over whenever. You don’t even have to ask. You have the keys—use them.”

  She turns in her seat as I move between her legs, grabbing on to her behind her hips, and she takes my face in her hands and kisses me. I don’t let up. I keep kissing her, taking in the feel of her soft lips as she melds them with mine. She has no idea what she’s doing to me, and I have to pull back.

  “Come on,” I say. “I’ll go in with you.”

  When we walk in, I take her bags back to her room and am helping her unpack her things when her roommate, whom I’ve never met, steps in the doorway and asks, “You’re back?”

  “Um . . . yeah,” I watch Candace tell her nervously.

  When Kimber doesn’t respond, I try breaking some of the tension and introduce myself. “I’m Ryan, by the way.”

  She nods her head, saying, “I’m Kimber.”

  That’s it for our exchange as she stands there. She’s tall with platinum blonde hair and has a look about her that’s very different from Candace’s.

  “Well, Seth’s on his way over, so I’ll be in my room,” she says before walking out.

  Candace goes over and closes the door, keeping her hands on it as she drops her head. I step next to her and see she’s crying.

  “Babe,” I whisper as I hold her face.

  “I don’t know what to do,” she says as she hugs me.

  There’s nothing I can say because I honestly think there isn’t much of a friendship to be mended at this point. Candace chose to keep this secret from Kimber, and I don’t blame her. From what little I have heard about this chick, she’s seems like a spitfire who would probably run her mouth. But regardless, Kimber’s been out of the loop while Candace has been dealing with some heavy shit, and even Jase told me that she’s a completely different person now. Kimber’s missed all of that, so it’s not so far-fetched to safely assume that what once bonded them is no longer there.

  We lie down on her bed for a while, not ready to leave just yet. She’s no longer crying, but I know she’s still upset about the whole situation, so I tell her, “I don’t want you thinking that you’re the one to blame for what’s happened with you and Kimber. This isn’t your fault. You made the best decision that you could at the time when you chose to not tell her about what happened. Nobody holds that against you, and I don’t want you too either.”

  “It’s easy to say, but . . .”

  “You haven’t done anything wrong here. Sometimes life just sucks, and things fall apart. Not all friendships can last forever. People change, and whether you want to admit it or not, you’ve changed. And I don’t want you thinking shit about yourself because I love every single piece of who you are—right now.”

  I watch as her face scrunches up and she begins to cry. “Baby, don’t.”

  Looking up at me through her tears, she reveals, “I wish every day that you knew me before. That you didn’t have to deal with this baggage. I think about how everything could have been so different than it is now. Better.”

  “Who says it would be better?” I question as I smooth her hair back.

  “Because it never would have happened.”

  I shift to my side to face her, saying, “I wish, more than you will ever know, that this never happened to you. But there isn’t one single part of you that I would change. That night is a piece of you, but it doesn’t tarnish you. Not for me. I love us. I love what we have together and what you give me. Somehow you got inside me. No one has been able to do that before, but you did. You’ve seen shit that I’ve never let anyone see. Shit that I’ve masked for years, but with you . . . you made me want to take the mask off and in the process I fell in love with you. So I don’t know how you t
hink we could be any better than we are because I think we’re pretty perfect.” I run my thumb across her cheek, wiping her tears.

  “I don’t . . . I don’t even know what to say.”

  “You don’t need to say anything. Just know that you have me. I’m here because of you. I’m yours because I don’t want to give myself to anyone else. No one could ever compare to you.”

  I can barely focus on the road as I drive to Thinkspace for the gallery showing tonight. Candace looks amazing in the lace dress she’s wearing. I never thought pencil skirts were sexy until I saw them on her. Most of her dressier outfits are of the same style and tonight, I would have rather stayed in with the dress tossed to the floor, but I have every intention of ending the night that way.

  Candace hasn’t stayed over with me since she went back home, and I’ve missed not having her there with me. I also worry. There is rarely a night when she doesn’t have problems sleeping. Ever since that one horrifying nightmare, she’s been back on her sleeping pill, but she says they only help control the really vivid dreams. She still wakes often from night terrors, and I don’t like the idea of her dealing with that alone, but she insists that she’s fine.

  When we arrive, I help Candace down from her seat and lead her inside. She’s been so excited for tonight, inviting Jase, Mark, and Gavin. I never took my photography that seriously until lately. I’ve been spending more time shooting, mostly Candace, and editing. I like the focus of having a hobby, and knowing that I can share that with her is a bonus.

  “I’m really proud of you, you know?” she says as we walk inside.

  “Babe, the only reason that photo is on display is because you’re in it. You’re perfect.”

  I take her coat and check it when I hear a lady call, “Candace!”

  “Stacy, hi,” Candace says and hugs a tall, slender woman who looks close to my age with short, raven hair.

  “That dress is amazing,” she says to Candace.

  “Thank you.”

  “And this is . . .?” she asks as she looks at me.