Waiting for Morning

  She smiled. “We had so much fun growing up together … shooting baskets all day and catching crickets at night. Remember that time we had a contest to see who could eat the most watermelon?”

  “I won.”

  “You won and then you got sick all over the front lawn, remember?”

  Tom gripped his stomach and grimaced. “I still have a hard time eating watermelon.”

  “But later, after you felt better, we talked about what we wanted to be when we grew up, remember?’

  Tom laughed.

  “You always said you wanted to be a doctor.”

  He nodded. “That much hasn’t changed. You always said you wanted to have a big family, lots of kids.”

  Hannah glanced down, thankful he couldn’t see her blushing in the haze of shadows under the shade tree. “I guess I still have some time for that one.”

  “Hey, Hannah, do me a favor, huh?”

  “Sure.”

  “Pray for me. It’s gonna be hard starting over in a place where I don’t know anyone and being so far away from home.”

  She met his gaze head on and smiled. “I always pray for you, Tom. I won’t stop now.”

  He drew a deep breath, and Hannah could tell he was wrestling with his feelings. “Well, I guess I better go. I still have to finish packing.”

  She was suddenly anxious to keep the conversation going as long as possible. “Will you be back? At break I mean?”

  “Yeah. Christmas and summers. Whenever the team isn’t conditioning.”

  “I wish I could see you play.”

  Tom’s eyes lit up. “Hey! You can! … We play at USC and UCLA. You could ride over with my parents. That’d be great!”

  “Yeah!”

  “And I’ll write and tell you all about college life.”

  “Mmmhhm.”

  “And you can catch me up on life at school and everything that’s happening in the old neighborhood.”

  “Sure …”

  They both fell silent, and Tom glanced back toward his house. “Well, Hannah, come here and give me a hug.”

  She stepped forward, and they embraced like favorite cousins at a family reunion. When they pulled back, Tom ran his thumb lightly underneath Hannah’s neatly curled bangs. “Don’t change, Hannah.”

  She could feel tears welling up, and she smiled uncertainly. “Have a good trip.”

  “Yeah. See you later.”

  And with that, life as Hannah had known it changed dramatically. The summer passed uneventfully with only one letter from Tom. She saw him briefly during Christmas break and sat with him and his family at Christmas Eve service. Then she didn’t see him until April, when she and his parents went to UCLA to watch his baseball game.

  They spotted him before the game and waved, and Hannah felt her face flush at the sight of him. Tom was an outfielder, recruited for his strong arm and high batting average. Though a freshman, he was a starter, and that afternoon he hit a game-winning double. Hannah could barely contain her pride.

  But when the game ended, a pretty brunette with a breathtaking figure ran up and threw her arms around Tom’s neck. He kissed her lightly on the cheek, and then took her hand in his.

  Hannah felt as if she’d been punched in the stomach. She wanted to run back to the car and spare herself this awful moment, but Tom and the girl were approaching fast, and there was nowhere to hide.

  “Hey, thanks for coming.” Tom was breathless and sweaty, and Hannah thought he looked even more handsome than he had a year ago.

  Tom glanced at the girl beside him. “This is Amy.” He looked at the others. “She does stats for the team.” He and Amy shared a smile. “These are my parents, and this is Hannah, my buddy from the old neighborhood.”

  “Nice to meet you.” Amy wore heavy makeup; Hannah felt utterly plain beside her. Amy smiled warmly at Tom’s parents and barely paid heed to Hannah.

  Hannah gritted her teeth. Plain or not, she would not be outdone. Tom belonged to her not this, this …

  “Are you an actress?” Sarcasm dripped from Hannah’s every word, and Tom cast a curious glance her way.

  Amy laughed uneasily. “No, do I look like someone famous?”

  Hannah volleyed a similar laugh back at Amy. “No, I just thought with all that thick, gray, pancake makeup, maybe you were practicing for a play or something.”

  Amy’s face went blank, and there was an awkward silence. Tom looked as if he could have strangled Hannah, but instead he cleared his throat and said, “I met Amy at the beginning of the season.”

  “Yes,” Amy purred, squeezing Tom’s hand. Hannah was forgotten as Amy smiled sweetly at Tom’s parents. “Your son is quite an athlete.”

  They all chuckled and agreed how wonderful Tom was. And before five minutes had passed, he was pulling Amy by the hand and bidding good-bye to Hannah and his parents. For Hannah, the entire scene seemed to take place in slow-motion, as though it were a horrible dream.

  On the ride back to the Valley, Tom’s parents said very little. They seemed to understand that Hannah was hurt. When they pulled up in front of Hannah’s house, Tom’s mother squeezed Hannah’s shoulder. “She won’t be around long. She isn’t Tom’s type.”

  Hannah prayed that Tom’s mother was right, but Amy did not go away. She and Tom dated through his sophomore and junior year, while Hannah graduated from West Hills High and began attending California State University Northridge, three miles from home. Tom and Amy were together constantly, even during breaks.

  Church was the only place Hannah knew she could see Tom alone. Amy was not a Christian and had no intention of ever becoming one, according to Tom’s mother.

  “She’s a nice girl, but she’s all wrong for Tom,” his mother would say on occasion when Hannah visited. “He still has medical school ahead, and she’s not the waiting type. Besides, Tom needs a nice Christian girl. Someone like you, Hannah.”

  “Tom doesn’t see me like that, Mrs. Ryan.”

  “One day. Give him time.”

  But a few weeks before the start of his senior year, Tom and Amy came home with an announcement. They were going to be married in June, right after he graduated.

  Hannah was shocked and angry. She had dated occasionally, but her heart resided where it always had—to Tom, even if he didn’t know it. She and Tom belonged together. Everyone at home felt the same way, her parents and his, and the kids they’d grown up with.

  Everyone but Tom.

  The summer passed, and Tom and Amy returned to Corvallis to make plans for their senior year while Hannah was left to ponder her suddenly uncertain future.

  That fall Tom wrote Hannah a letter. In it was no admission of love or longing, but rather a rambling of memories of their childhood and the happy times they’d shared. Hannah read the letter five times before tucking it carefully into her top drawer. Why, she wondered, was Tom thinking about her and their past when he should be busy making plans for his future with Amy?

  Christmas break came, and Hannah learned that Amy had returned to Walnut Creek in Northern California, where she and her mother had plans to shop for a wedding gown. Tom came home and spent hours hanging out in front of his house, bouncing his old basketball in the mild winter afternoons, his face pensive and troubled. More than a few times, Hannah glanced out her window and saw him gazing toward her house.

  Three days before Christmas there was a social at church. Hannah arrived late, and while she was talking with the pastor’s wife, she heard a familiar voice.

  “Hey, Hannah, what you been up to?” Tom was taller than before, his shoulders broad and full like his father’s. Hannah blushed furiously, and then thought of Amy, shopping the boutiques of San Francisco for a wedding gown.

  “Oh, hi.” Her voice lacked any enthusiasm. “I thought you were back.”

  Tom studied her, and she knew there was little about her that resembled the rough-and-tumble girl he once shot baskets with.

  “Can’t believe I’m almost finished up at OSU.”
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  Hannah smiled, her defenses firmly in place. “Then there’s the big wedding.”

  Tom’s expression changed and his eyes clouded. “Yeah … the big wedding.”

  Cheerful chatter filled the hall, and Tom looked around, slightly bothered. “Let’s go outside and talk. It’s been a long time.”

  She wondered what the point was, but she nodded. “Okay. I’ll follow you.”

  Outside they found a bench nestled against the church wall facing the parking lot. They sat down, shoulder to shoulder, much as they’d done hundreds of times before. They were silent as they took in the Christmas lights and listened to the hum of conversation in the distance.

  “You ever feel like you were about to make a big mistake?” Tom leaned against the side of the bench and faced Hannah.

  She pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs. Something about the cool night air and the intimacy of the moment caused her defenses to drop.

  “Sometimes.”

  Tom gazed heavenward. “Amy’s not a Christian.… She’s not …” He looked at Hannah. “She’s not a lot of things.”

  She thought about that for a moment. “You asked her to marry you.” Their eyes met, and for the first time since she’d known Tom, it felt as though there was something more between them than just the bond of childhood, something Hannah couldn’t quite grasp.

  “Yes, I did …”

  Hannah felt bold in the darkness. “Why’d you do it, Tom?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. Seemed like the right thing at the time. She sort of orders everything around her, and … I guess her parents were expecting me to propose. I mean, she was talking about our honeymoon and where we’d live when I’m in med school months before I ever asked her.”

  “Sounds lovely.”

  Tom stifled a grin. “You don’t like her, do you?”

  Hannah was silent.

  “ ‘Are you an actress?’ ” Tom mimicked. “Come on, Hannah. You were pretty obvious that day.”

  She lifted her chin. “I don’t have anything against her.”

  “Oh, okay. If you say so.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Now, Hannah. You weren’t just a little jealous?”

  “Of her? Please, Tom. Give me some credit.”

  There was silence again.

  Tom sighed. “You know I kinda wish you were jealous.”

  Hannah ignored that. “What really matters isn’t what I think of Amy, it’s what you think of her.” She waited. “You must love her.”

  Tom exhaled slowly through pursed lips. “I don’t know. I did love her, sometimes I think I still do. But every time I imagine spending my life with her, I end up thinking about …” His voice trailed off and he caught Hannah’s gaze. “Did you get my letter last month?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t know what to write back. It seemed like you were remembering how things used to be.”

  “Kind of.”

  She studied him. “Want the truth?”

  “Okay.”

  “After I got that letter, I wondered if you were really happy.”

  Tom sighed again. “When did you grow up and get so smart, Hannah?” She grinned, and his eyes grew softer. “And so beautiful.”

  For once, she didn’t know what to say.

  “Mom tells me every time you have a date. She says you haven’t found the right guy yet.”

  Hannah blushed and glanced down at her trembling hands.

  “I don’t know, everything seems all mixed up. I’m engaged to a girl who isn’t even interested in the Lord, when you’re right here, my bestest buddy, all grown up and totally devoted to God. Don’t you ever wonder how come you and I didn’t get together?”

  Hannah’s eyes narrowed and a million memories came to mind. “Sometimes.”

  “How did everything get so twisted?”

  She shivered, partly from the night air and partly from the direction their conversation was taking.

  “Cold?” Tom looked concerned.

  “A little.”

  He held out his arm. “Come here.”

  She moved closer and leaned against him. The chill was gone immediately.

  He rested his chin on the top of her head. “You know something? These last three years at college I’ve really missed you.”

  “Maybe you just miss being a kid.”

  “We had fun, didn’t we?”

  She could feel him looking at her, and she knew he was going to kiss her. Finally, when she could no longer stand it, she looked up into his eyes.

  “Hannah,” he whispered. Then the moment she’d dreamed of all her life happened. As though it had been destined since before they were born, they came together in a single kiss—one that was slow and filled with every good feeling Hannah had ever known.

  When they pulled away, Tom looked startled. “I’m sorry.” He was breathless, and she could feel his heart beating wildly against her chest. “I’m so confused right now.”

  “I’m not a little kid anymore, Tom.”

  He shook his head, and she thought she saw tears in his eyes. “I know. That’s the problem. Ever since you walked into my house that day in that silky dress … you know, at my graduation party.” He studied her for a moment. “Ever since then I’ve wondered about whether we’d …”

  “Mhmm.” She smiled sadly.

  “You, too?”

  “Yeah. I’ve wondered.”

  “But then I met Amy and …”

  “And what?”

  “I guess we’ll never know.”

  “What?” Hannah jerked away. Of course he knew. He’d kissed her, after all!

  “Well—” Tom drew back a bit and looked nervous—“I mean … I am getting married …”

  “I don’t see a ring on your finger yet.”

  “Yeah, but Hannah … everything’s all set. I don’t know …”

  “That’s a cop-out, Tom.”

  “A cop-out?”

  “Yes! You’re not married yet. Break it off.”

  He chuckled softly. “You don’t know Amy.”

  She put her hands on Tom’s shoulders and shook him. “Listen to you! You don’t marry someone because you’re afraid of what’ll happen if you break up.”

  He gazed at Hannah thoughtfully and sighed. “I know. There’s more to it than that.”

  She waited a beat and dropped her hands. “So, you do love her.” It wasn’t a question.

  Tom shrugged. “I have a lot to work out, I guess. Come on, let’s get back in.”

  Tears formed in her eyes. “Don’t do it, Tom. Don’t marry her.”

  “Hannah …”

  She was unashamed of her tears as they spilled onto her cheeks. “Don’t marry her.”

  “Hannah, please.” He pulled her close and cradled her head against his chest. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

  He paused, and she knew he could feel her body jerking quietly as she cried.

  “Come on, Hannah. What happened to my bestest buddy?”

  Hannah pulled away, anger sweeping over her, and met his gaze straight on. “She grew up.” With that she wiped her eyes, sniffed once, and stormed back into the church. She didn’t talk to Tom again. A month later she heard he was going ahead with the wedding.

  Stricken with pain so severe she could hardly breathe when she thought about it, Hannah turned to her best protection—anger. She harbored a grudge against Tom the size of a mountain. How could he make such a horrible decision? Especially after that night at church? She had kissed him, bared her heart to him, and still he had chosen Amy.

  As the day of the wedding drew near, Hannah vowed to stay home and avoid Tom whatever the cost. The event was scheduled to take place the first week in June at Knollwood Country Club in Granada Hills, just five miles from the West Valley neighborhood where Tom and Hannah grew up.

  In the weeks before the wedding, an invitation arrived at Hannah’s house. Her mother responded, stating that all but Hannah would at
tend. At about the same time, Hannah graduated from Cal State Northridge, and Tom was one of more than a hundred people who attended her graduation party. Hannah felt him watching her from a distance that night, but she ignored him. When he approached to congratulate her, she turned abruptly and began a conversation with someone else.

  She had a right to her anger. He had broken her heart, and she would never forgive him.

  The day before Tom’s wedding, Hannah’s parents were at work and she was staging a cleaning frenzy, doing her best not to think about Tom and Amy, when the doorbell rang. She set down the window cleaner and headed for the door.

  “Coming!” She stretched and ran her fingers absently through her hair. It was unusually hot and sticky for June, and as she made her way through the house, Hannah thought about driving to the beach that evening. Maybe there she could sort out her feelings.

  She opened the door and caught her breath. It was Tom, dressed in worn jeans and a white T-shirt, looking desperately troubled.

  Hannah felt her expression go cold, and before he could speak, she slammed the door shut.

  He stopped the door with his hand and pushed it open again. “Wait!”

  Hannah’s hand flew to her hip and she glared at him. “Go away, Tom. I have nothing to say to you.”

  He sighed. “Hannah, will you stop trying to hate me for one minute. I came here to tell you something.”

  “Say it. I have things to do.”

  Tom drew a deep breath and rubbed his palms on his jeans. “May I come in?”

  She exhaled dramatically. “I guess.” She stepped aside, and he followed her into the foyer.

  They stood face to face, studying each other. Finally Tom broke the silence.

  “It’s off.” His voice was breathless, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

  Hannah frowned. “What?”

  “The wedding … I called it off this morning.”

  Her eyes grew wide. “The day before—?”

  He held up a hand. “I know, it’s crazy. But it would’ve been crazier to marry her.”

  “What did your parents say?” Hannah was so shocked she forgot her anger.

  “They were glad I realized it today and not tomorrow.”

  “What about the …”

  “My parents are contacting the guests. Amy and her folks are flying back to San Francisco tonight.”