Off Chance

  Nix raises his head up and catches my glare, which is still aimed his way. He does nothing more than give me a smirk before he says, "Well... Emily and I have some news."

  Everyone goes silent and turns to stare at them. They had gotten engaged a few months ago while visiting Linc and Ever in Phoenix. I assume we're getting ready to hear about their wedding plans, and I'm not disappointed.

  "We've decided against a big, formal wedding. In fact, we only want our immediate family attending. And we want to do it on December 25th because Linc only has a small break in his season where he can come."

  Everyone breaks into talk around the table, excited that the date has been set and it's a little less than three months away. Nix holds his hands up to get everyone's attention. "There's one more detail I need to mention. We're going to have it in the U.S. Virgin Islands... St. John to be exact."

  "Oh, a destination wedding," my mom says as she clasps her hands to her chest, her eyes getting misty.

  "Don't cry, Aunt Nora," Nix says as he steps from his chair and gives her a hug.

  I smile at Nix's uncharacteristic display of affection. It comes so easy to him nowadays and it's a damn sight better than the grumpy-ass attitude he wore after returning from the war.

  Once Nix rose up from his chair, it was like open season. We all stand up, pushing our chairs back, and hugs and kisses are passed around in congratulations.

  I step up to Nix and we clasp hands, pulling each other in for a manly hug/back-slap combo.

  "I'm happy for you, man."

  Nix looks over at Emily, who is standing there with her arm wrapped around Uncle Hank's waist. "I'm a lucky guy."

  The tenderness in his eyes pangs my heart, and I feel envious. I want to look at someone like that.

  Emily glances over at Nix and gives him a smile. It is full of love and devotion.

  "Emily is a lucky girl," I tell him.

  "She's my everything," he says, and my green-eyed monster starts roaring. I'm still able to pull out a happy smile for Nix as I head over to Nix's dad and Emily to give my congratulations.

  Emily steps into a hug. After giving her a squeeze, I turn to Uncle Hank and clap him on the back. "You're losing your babies," I tell him.

  Uncle Hank chuckles but then looks over at Emily. "Nope. I'm gaining a daughter and a damn fine one at that."

  It tickles me but Emily blushes a pretty pink over the compliment. She gives him another hug. "And I'm gaining another dad."

  "Okay, you two," I say. "You're making me sick. Stop it already."

  Uncle Hank chuckles. "You'll understand it one day, Flynn. When you find that someone. Everything changes."

  God, I hope so. I really do.

  "So, Emily... have you already talked to Linc and Ever?"

  "Yeah, we had to find out when Linc could make it before we finalized the date. He has a game against the Sabres on the 23rd and he'll fly out that night to St. John. Then he has to be back in Phoenix on the 28th."

  I nod in understanding. Linc's schedule is crazy during the NHL season. "What about Renner? Have you talked to her?"

  Emily shakes her head. "We were going to call her in the morning. It's past midnight there."

  My sister, Renner, lives in Dublin with her rock star boyfriend, Cillian. "You don't give my sis enough credit," I admonish Emily. "She's living the rock-star life. She'll be up."

  Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I hold it up to Emily and ask, "Do you mind?"

  She smiles and shakes her head. "Go for it. She can yell at you for waking her up."

  I hit Renner's name from my Favorite list where she resides at the top because my sister is my most favorite person in the world. I talk to her a few times a week in addition to almost daily texts because, hey, I'm her brother and I worry about her. I don't know this Cillian dude very well and although he seems to make her happy, it's my duty as an older and over-protective brother to make sure she stays that way.

  The phone rings four times before Renner answers. Her voice is heavy with sleep. "This better be good, Flynn, or I'm going to fly back to Jersey and murder you."

  "What the hell are you doing sleeping? Shouldn't you be out partying with Cillian and his band or something?"

  Renner lets out a big yawn. "Contrary to popular belief, our life isn't all about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. It's just about the sex, and I'm exhausted after the fun Cillian had with me tonight."

  "Ewwww, Renner. TMI. I don't need to know that shit."

  "Well, then quit calling me at ungodly hours. I'm cranky," she snaps back.

  We're silent a moment and then we both start laughing, her giggles ringing through like a charming melody.

  "So, why did you call, O brother o'mine?"

  "We just got done having a family dinner and Nix and Emily announced their wedding plans. I wanted to make sure that you and Cillian could come. It's going to be on December 25th in St. John."

  Renner lets out a high-pitched squeal and I hear Cillian yelling, "What the fuck's wrong?" I have a clear mental image of him sitting straight up in bed, looking around in a panic.

  Renner whispers a, "Sorry babe. Go back to sleep. I'll tell you all about it in the morning."

  After a moment, she whispers into the phone, "Yes... we can definitely come. Over The Edge is taking a break from their tour over the holidays."

  "Awesome! I can't wait to see you, Ren."

  "Same here. So how are things going with the roommate situation?"

  I look around the room. Everyone is engaged in conversation, but I don't want anyone to hear what I'm about to say.

  "Hold on," I tell her as I walk through the living room and step out onto the front porch. The early October weather is chilly and I'm glad I wore a long-sleeved shirt tonight.

  I had told Renner about Rowan. About how I had rescued her, how she came to live at my apartment, and I told her all about Juice. She knows Rowan is living with me on a permanent basis now, but she doesn't know much more than that. I'm thinking I can use some girlie advice right now.

  "I could use some guidance... about Rowan."

  "Shoot," she says, matter of factly.

  "Well... we've become really good friends over the last several weeks. I don't know much about Rowan's background but she says I'm really the first true friend she's ever had."

  "Awww. That's so sweet."

  "Yeah... my teeth hurt it's so sweet. Quit interrupting."

  "Sorry... grump-ass."

  "Anyway... we've kissed twice, and it was... well, it was explosive. I mean... we both have an intense attraction to one another."

  "But?" she prompts.

  "But, last time, we were getting pretty hot and heavy and she pulled away. She stopped it and she said she couldn't go there with me because she didn't want to risk our friendship. She said sex would change everything and she didn't want to lose me as a friend. And it's driving me fucking nuts because I know she wants me the way I want her. And I'm all messed up about it and don't know what to do."

  Renner is silent for a moment and I wait for a pearl of wisdom to come through the phone and save my sanity. Instead, she only says, "I'm sorry, Flynn. That sucks."

  "That's it? That's all you got for me? Sorry... and it sucks?"

  "Well, I get where she's coming from. Sex does change everything. It opens up a whole new level of intimacy, which will naturally bring you closer."

  "But that's a good thing, right?"

  "Yes, but the consequences if it doesn't work out would be disastrous. You can't go backward to friendship. If you take it to the next level, and it doesn't work out... then it's over. If she cherishes this friendship the way you say she does, then this would be a very scary proposition for her."

  "Bullshit," I tell her. "We could still be friends. Besides... why wouldn't it work out? We have a lot in common, and I really like her, Ren. A lot."

  "I hear you, Flynn. I'm just saying I get where she's coming from. I think as women, we tend to worry about that stuff more than me
n do. I mean, let's face it, you probably just want to get in her pants."

  That's true... I do want to get into her pants. But fuck, I want so much more. I want someone to be my everything. I've wanted it so bad since Marney died that I can taste it on my lips... and it tastes like ambrosia.

  I know Rowan will taste like ambrosia.

  "So what should I do?"

  "Be her friend, Flynn. That's all you can do, and hope that one day, she'll want you enough to step off the ledge with you."

  This just blows. I was hoping my sister would have the magic-ball answer to worm my way into Rowan's heart. And all I get from her is to do nothing but cultivate the friendship.

  Well, piss on that, I think to myself. I'm not about to sit back and watch this woman slip further away from me. Friendship isn't good enough, and I intend to get her to the next level.

  I'll just make sure I'm subtle about it.

  "Damn it, Rowan. What the hell did you do to my stockroom?"

  I look up from the computer and rub my eyes. I was in invoice hell, and now I'm in Nix hell. Reaching down, I rub Harley's head as he snoozes by my feet. I have a fleeting moment of satisfaction that Nix's dog likes to lay near me. I think it drives Nix nuts that his dog became attached to me so quickly.

  Looking over my shoulder, I try to answer with as much calm as I can. "What do you mean?"

  "You re-arranged the whole fucking room and I can't find anything. Why did you do that?"

  "I put all your supplies in alphabetical order. You didn't have any structure to it and it was driving me nuts."

  "I did too have structure," he explodes. "I knew exactly where everything was."

  "But I didn't," I snap back at him. "And since you expect me to keep your storeroom well stocked, I needed it better organized so I could see when you were getting low on supplies."

  "But I can't find anything," he says like a whiny, snot-nosed brat.

  "It's not rocket science, Nix. It's alphabetical. You see... there's this concept that's called 'A to Z'," I say slowly. "If you're looking for bolts, just start with the A's and proceed forward. You'll then get to the B's and lo and behold, you'll find the bolts. Geez."

  Nix glares at me for a moment and then turns his back, growling in displeasure. I do a happy dance in my head.

  Oh, you'd think that Nix and I hate each other based on that display, but quite the opposite. We get along fantastically. We just fight like squabbling siblings. I think, personally, that I provide an outlet to Nix that allows him to be surly and grumpy, an attitude I understand he used to exhibit quite frequently. Emily told me about Nix's time in the Marines and his injuries from the war. I didn't know much about PTSD but Emily explained it all to me, and it made me look at Nix in a different light. It's why I have such extreme patience with him, and why I let him snarl and snap at me most days. It's the least I can do for the sacrifices he made for our country.

  "Hey, Nix," I say, opting for a complete change in subject. "What does your shirt mean?"

  I had noticed it earlier and had been meaning to ask. It was red with gold lettering that said, Semper Fi. I thought it might be the same thing as the tattoos that Flynn had on his biceps.

  "It's short for Semper Fidelis, which is Latin. It's the Marine Corps slogan. Means, Always Faithful."

  "Why does Flynn have them tattooed on his biceps? He wasn't in the Marine Corps, was he?"

  Nix shakes his head and walks over to his fridge. He pulls out a beer and holds it up to me, silently asking if I want one. I shake my head and watch as he flops down in his ratty, old recliner, twisting the cap off. After he takes a long swallow, he answers me, "He did it shortly after I came home from Bethesda, where I was recovering from my injuries. He did it to honor me."

  I digest that information, and take note of how my heart swells and then pangs for what Flynn did. Honoring his cousin for his sacrifices. And the words clearly have meaning. Flynn is one of those guys that is always faithful. It's why he stuck by me, and why he is so well loved by his family and friends. The thought comes unbidden to my mind that he will make a great husband one day, and I'm immediately hit with a flood of jealousy that it won't be me.

  I'm jealous because I won't have that chance with him, because I'm too chicken shit to risk my friendship with him. And I'm also jealous of the woman who will one day wear his wedding ring, because I'm all of a sudden fretting that he won't look at me the same way, and won't be my friend anymore. In fact, I've convinced myself that the bitch he marries won't let him have any female friends, and I want to kill this unknown woman that he will marry one day.

  "Geez, Page... What in the hell is going through your head? You look like you could murder someone right now."

  I shake out of my thoughts. "Nothing. I wasn't thinking about anything."

  "Yeah, right. Come on, Page. Lay it on me. I'm done for the day and I feel like gossiping."

  "Stop calling me Page," I testily say. "And I don't do gossip sessions. That's for you and your other dork friends that like to sit around and paint each other's toenails a pretty shade of pink."

  Nix gives a shout of laughter and lifts his beer to me in salute. "Good one."

  I turn around to the computer and start entering invoices again. But Nix isn't through with me.

  "So how are things going with you and Flynn?"

  My shoulders stiffen involuntarily and I take a deep breath. "Everything's great. Peachy keen."

  "You know he's in love with you, right?"

  I swivel around in my chair so fast I almost throw myself out of it. "What? What do you mean?"

  "You seriously can't be that dense. When you two were over here for dinner last weekend, he could barely keep his eyes off you. But he walks around like a kicked puppy so I assume you don't reciprocate those feelings."

  Holy shit. Nix saw all that at dinner? I mean, I saw it... I see it every day and every night I'm around Flynn. I know what his eyes are telling me. They are saying, I want you but I respect your boundaries.

  I decide to play stupid. "I don't know what you mean."

  Nix quirks an eyebrow at me. "Page, you seriously are not that stupid. Give it up. Now. Talk to me, girl."

  I shake my head. This chatty Nix is freaking me out. He's never delved into my personal business before but I'll have to admit, over the last few weeks, I've become very comfortable around him.

  I have no clue what makes me answer, but I say, "He's not in love. He's in lust."

  "Semantics. Love and lust are so closely woven together, they're practically the same for all intents and purposes... at least from the male point of view," Nix says, as he shrugs his shoulders. "It may not be love yet, but he has it bad for you is the point. Don't you feel anything for him?"

  Nix's question is honest and sincere, but I never forget for a moment that he is related to Flynn and he is also protecting him. I remember all too clearly how suspicious he was of me when I first started working for him. He even admitted to me that he thought I might be scamming Flynn and that was why he was rude to me when I started.

  I take a deep breath, and decide to go all in, because I've kept these feelings bottled up inside of me and maybe this will prevent an explosion. "Of course I feel for him. I feel for him a lot."

  "Then act on it."

  "I can't," I say lamely. Then I bolster my voice with confidence. "I won't."

  Nix takes another sip of beer and looks at me with genuine curiosity. "Why not?"

  "Because... I love my friendship with Flynn. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me--in my entire life. I've never met anyone like him, and never will again. I don't want to lose that."

  "Why would you think you'd lose it?"

  "Because," I tell him, giving him my best, you're-a-doofus look, "everything gets messed up when sex is involved. The friendship will die. He'll only care about me for sex. I've had that... and it's never worked out for me. The friendship is more important than getting my rocks off."

  And oh, God... how I know
Flynn would get my rocks off. I'm betting he'd launch me so high, I'd orbit the moon. It's a feeling I yearn for badly, but refuse to give in to.

  "Rowan," Nix chides me and I know he's serious because he's using my first name. "That's not the way of it. Not all men are like that."

  "How would you know?" I snap, because I don't want him to give me any more reason to hope for something I can never have.

  "Because I've been there... done that. I was the guy that only wanted to get in the girl's pants, and then I wanted to kick her out the door as soon as possible. I wanted that with Emily when we first hooked up."

  "Really?" I ask, suspicious he's feeding me a line.

  "Cross my heart. You can ask her. In fact, we agreed on a sex-only, no-emotional-involvement relationship. But it didn't work out that way. Being with Emily... intimately... it opened up my heart to a whole new level of relationship. It strengthened my friendship with her. It made me want to help her, protect her, and love her even more. Sex doesn't always kill things. It can strengthen... with the right person."

  "But how do I know Flynn is the right person? I mean, maybe he's only destined to be a good friend to me."

  "Maybe he's destined to be so much more," Nix counters.

  Yes... maybe.

  I look Nix squarely in the eye. "But it's not a risk I'm willing to take. Maybe isn't good enough me."

  When I get back to the apartment, I take Capone on a long walk. Flynn had to go back into work today for another three-day shift and he left a note telling me he did all the laundry for both of us. My heart swells up in gratitude over his simple kindness. For someone that hasn't been able to rely or count on anyone but herself for the past five years, I find a simple act such as that to be overwhelmingly endearing. I wish he were here so I could hug him, and I smile at the new Rowan.

  Old Rowan was most definitely not a hugger.

  I feed Capone and change into Flynn's t-shirt. I have the apartment all to myself so I don't bother with his gym shorts.

  I'm restless, I don't feel like watching TV, and I'm not much of a reader. So I boot up Flynn's laptop. He told me I could use it any time, and I rarely take him up on the offer unless I'm scanning the news headlines.

  Pulling up Google, I type into the search field "John Cleeden". Too many results pop up, along with a bazillion ads for Ancestry.com. I clear the search and type in "John Cleeden Lewisville, Texas". I'm immediately rewarded for what I was looking for.