Slow to Grow

  Chapter 14

  So College was ending and it was off to a successful career in sports broadcasting. He figured he would be if not famous, well known by oh, age 25. His father had advised him once that maybe he should shift his focus to news, that maybe his interest in sports would wain as he got older. That went through one ear and out the other. Who would get bored with sports?

  Now apparently there was some misguided notion that he was expected to get a job on his own. He sent out a few resumes to minor league baseball teams and small town tv stations. And by sending out resumes, it was just that. No cover letters or anything. He just assumed a job would materialize out of thin air. He would try hard over the Summer, he said. And trying hard meant sending out seven resumes. By the end of the summer he decided to actually proofread the resume.

  Lloyd Kulligan

  Objective: To purse a career in sprots broadcasting.

  Hmm. Wonder if that had any effect on him not getting a job.

  Well never fear, Daddy is here! Nathan Kulligan was a very successful lawyer and had many contacts and friends, and got Lloyd an internship at a small radio station in Chicago. It didn=t pay anything but it would be a good experience. Daddy also got him a job as a security job at a high end mall in downtown Chicago. He got to wear a sweet green jacket and carry a billy club. Together the two jobs paid 7.50 an hour, a cool $14,000 grand a year. Luckily he still lived at home and was sponging full-time off his parents.

  He was palling around with Steve and Henry and now that they were all 21, they could legitimately go to any bar they wanted, which they did every weekend. It was the same thing every time. Go to bar. See hot women. Stare like a creep at hot women. Stare some more. Pretend to drink out of empty beer bottle, because it looks cool. Go home. Rinse. Repeat the following next week.

  This ritual went on and on until Steve finally got sick of it and stopped going. Lloyd=s virginity had regrown and had fully reattached itself.

  Karen, his best girl friend from grammar school and high school was going to law school and Lloyd would go hang out with her in the law library where she studied. She introduced him to a very pretty black girl who somehow took an interest in him. She called him one night and they talked on the phone for three hours. After which Lloyd somehow got the balls to ask her out.

  They went on a date to a dance club and had a real nice time where they and danced Adirty@. It was very provocative and Lloyd felt like Joe Cool. The date went very well, and of course at the end of the night Mr. Pussy didn=t even kiss her goodnight.

  They went out again and she got very drunk and invited Lloyd up to her room. She was woozy on the bed, and made googoo eyes at him. Being the gentleman he was, he didn=t make a move.

  The next day she thanked Lloyd for not taking advantage of her. God, no wonder his Aunt thought he was gay.

  They went out FOUR MORE TIMES and he didn=t try to kiss her at all. Surprisingly, she didn=t want to go out for the 7th time. He couldn=t even remember her name years later. It was a shameful memory and even he couldn=t figure out why he was so docile and ineffectual. He would have night terrors and wake up in a sweat just like in high school when he didn=t kiss that Jewess at the jew function. It was like a Vietnam flashback. Post traumatic wuss syndrome.

  Two years out of school and he was still living with his parents, and Ellen had just graduated. They had a new turtle named Marlon, named after Marlon Brando. Their first turtle Cedric died tragically after being contaminated in a flood that overwhelmed his bowl while Lloyd was at college. It was extremely emotional for everyone and Marlon eased the wound..

  Marlon was a sound replacement, his nickname was the Big Hurt, after Frank Thomas of the White Sox. He was a solid turtle, a lot of confidence and plodded around like a tough guy. He was beloved by the family, a worthy successor to Cedric. Merrill Kulligan had turtles when she was a child and passed her love on to her children.

  The turtle was cute and he would sun himself in the window and stretch his neck, making it warm and leathery. If you rubbed its head, it would open its mouth, and Lloyd and Steve used to laugh that he was saying, ASTEVE@ when he would do it.

  They kept him in a plastic bowl, and sometimes he would climb up the sides and yank himself out, it was very cute, seeing him strain his whole neck and body. And then he would fump down on the ground and toddle off.

  Well, one day Lloyd took Marlon outside in the backyard to get him some nice fresh air. Lloyd went into the house to do some chores, (most likely masturbate) and forgot about Marlon. Sure enough when he went outside, Marlon had escaped his horrific life at the hands of these lunatics, and had made a run for it. It was one of the most panic stricken moments of Lloyd=s life, even worse than being caught mauling the sheepskin rug.

  He searched all over the back yard and couldn=t find him anywhere. The search stretched from minutes to hours. Lloyd was crying. He called his uncle who lived 10 miles away and he raced over to help in the search. Henry came by after work and they searched a two block perimeter.

  The irony was horrible. His turtle had run away. For good. It was devastating, like a death in the family. There was a river nearby and they always hoped he made it there.