Slow to Grow

  * Just kidding about the ethnic level as the Nascar audience is 100% Caucasian.

  The most common slurs heard by the grandstand members were ranked in order of appearance. The act of hurling epithets upon cars speeding by at upwards of 200 mph was apparently lost upon the attendees.

  What follows are the most prevalent insults and their corresponding explanations:

  1.YOU SUCK GORDON

  2.Show us Yer Tits!!

  3.I AM FUCKING WASTED. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  4.SHUT UP BEFORE I HIT YOU AGAIN

  5.That is a sweet Manifold.

  Research shows that Gordon is in fact Jeff Gordon, one of the most successful and one of the most hated men in motor sports. He is disliked because he wins a lot and seems mildly educated. Rumors persist that he once may have possibly met former President Bill Clinton and did not refuse to shake his hand.

  This taunt was greeted with success 100% of the time.

  Self explanatory

  Usually made by the male member to his female acquaintance after said tits were bared.

  We have not been able to verify what a manifold is.

  While compiling this report, the researchers also were forced to endure the full race at each venue. 33 of the members quit after one hour. These were at separate speedways, and all left under their own cognizance. This was not merely a coincidence. The ones who subjected themselves to the whole race, determined that the mix of alcohol and stunted mental growth of the paying, PAYING mind you, customers combined to dull the senses of the spectators so much that the thought that they were watching cars go in a circle for 200+ laps was somehow enjoyable. The same process is found in Republican Voters. This is not a coincidence.

  Researchers took into account the possibility that many were there to see the crashes, and that the anticipation of such made the waiting somehow worthwhile. Many of the commission members needed counseling to rectify their utter and complete boredom.

  Another undeniable truth is that the races garner tremendous television ratings. The report does not go in depth into the reasoning for this, as the US Government feared a mass suicide on par with Jim Jones if we subjected the researchers to study this anymore in depth. Research does suggest that viewing NASCAR races on television as a sleep aid for those whose regular medications don=t work as well. Suffice it to say, the broadcast involved a series of left turns over the course of 200 laps, with each car averaging 207.13 miles per hour, with twelve pit stops, 6 lead changes, andY..zzzzzzzzzzzzz.