All the Ugly and Wonderful Things

  “No, yeah, I do. I just didn’t know you wanted me to go to Myrtle Beach.”

  “You got other obligations?” Liam said.

  Me. Kellen didn’t say it and I let him go, so he would stop frowning. I didn’t want him to be sad. I cut my carrots into neat little circles, like pennies.

  “No, that’s great. Just wish you’d said something sooner.”

  “Goddamnit, Vonnie! Eat your food and stop moving it around on your plate.”

  Liam smacked his hand on the table next to my plate. He had the power to steal Kellen away, but he didn’t have power over me. I laid my fork on the table, but as soon as I let go of it, Liam snatched it up.

  “Don’t you defy me, you little bitch.” He shoveled up a scoop of potatoes.

  My mouth watered at the smell. I wanted to eat, but I wouldn’t do it like that. Liam pressed the fork up to my mouth, so I turned my head away from him, felt the potatoes smear across my cheek. I looked at Kellen, the way his eyes went up and down, from his plate to Liam and back to his plate. He was scared.

  Liam grabbed my chin, that’s how mad he was. Mad enough to break Mama’s rule against touching me. He jerked my head around, to keep me from looking at Kellen, so I closed my eyes. I bit my lips closed to keep the potatoes out, but Liam wouldn’t quit.

  “You’ll fucking do what I say!” The fork stabbed my lip and knocked against my teeth. Liam squeezed my face hard, trying to make me open my mouth. And I was going to. I wasn’t strong enough.

  Then Liam let go of me.

  The fork fell on my plate, a loud clatter in the middle of glasses falling over. I opened my eyes and saw Kellen standing up, leaning across the table. He had one hand pressed to the center of Liam’s chest to push him back into his chair. That was all he needed to stop Liam, who looked small under Kellen’s hand.

  “Don’t do that,” Kellen said.

  As soon as he let go, Liam sat up. All his smallness drained out and anger rushed in again.

  “Are you telling me how to discipline my own kid in my house?” Liam said, but his shirt was still rumpled from Kellen’s hand.

  “No, but you don’t need to do her that way.”

  Kellen sat down and smoothed the tablecloth back out.

  “I’ll be damned if I take orders from you, you fat fucking slob,” Liam said.

  “You want your kid to end up a fat fucking slob like me? Just go on doing that, forcing her to eat. It’s what my pa did. Made me clean my plate whether I wanted to or not. Busted my jaw once. So, you know, think about that.”

  Liam laughed. He lost the fight, but everyone would have to pretend he hadn’t. Mama knew how to pretend that.

  “Well, damn, you’re sensitive, Kellen. I’m gonna be more careful around you. I don’t wanna hurt your little feelings and shit.”

  Kellen took another bite of meatloaf. It looked like it was hard for him to swallow, but he kept eating.

  I watched him chew, wishing I could eat. Something sticky and warm dribbled down my chin. Blood. Mama watched, too soft to do anything. Kellen passed me his handkerchief under the table. When I took it, I felt how strong his hand was. I didn’t understand how he could be afraid of Liam, when he was so much bigger.

  Kellen’s handkerchief was worn soft from being washed, and I didn’t want to ruin it, but I put it against my mouth. When I took it away, my blood was bright in the middle of the whiteness.

  Liam set his glass up and said, “Get me some more beer, Val.”

  Mama went to the fridge and took out a beer. She poured as much as would go into Liam’s, and then she topped up Kellen’s glass, even though it hadn’t fallen over. The Giant had stopped a train, calmed a wild beast, and didn’t even spill his beer.

  9

  WAVY

  Mama was Old Val when she woke up the next morning. She shaved under her arms, between her legs, and all down them. After she curled her hair, she put on makeup and the tight clothes Liam liked. No breakfast for her, except for the pills that made her eyes sparkle and her hands float. I was waiting for her to leave the room so I could eat my oatmeal before it got cold.

  “Come on,” Mama said. “Get your shoes on.”

  No oatmeal. No school. I pulled on my boots, the good ones Kellen bought. Room to grow, he said.

  “At least your hair’s combed,” Mama said.

  It wasn’t, but Grandma said it was so fine knots couldn’t stay in it. Braids and ponytails slithered out of rubber bands like snakes.

  Mama was at the door, ready to go.

  “Donal,” I said. I think she really forgot about him.

  “Shit. I must be losing my mind.”

  Mama hauled him out of the playpen like that was all she had to do. I went around stuffing things into a shopping bag: diapers, a bottle, shoes. Real babies are a lot more trouble than plastic babies.

  In the barn, the car wouldn’t start, so Mama hiked down the gravel road to the trailers, saying swear words.

  “Isn’t Kellen a goddamn mechanic? Can’t he make sure that car will fucking start? Donal, you weigh a ton, kid. What have you been eating?” Old Val talked fast and laughed.

  In the yard outside Dee’s trailer, people were loading motorcycles on trailers. I heard Kellen’s voice coming from the garage, but when I stopped to look for him, Mama snapped her fingers in my ear.

  “Come on, daydreamer.”

  I followed her up the clattery metal steps into the trailer, where the TV was on loud and something smelled sweet and cinnamony. It made my stomach growl.

  Ricki and Dee were sitting in the kitchen, eating coffee cake and laughing. Dee talked with her mouth full. Mouth open for two dangerous things. Double bad. She said, “No way in hell.”

  “Liam was still laughing about it. He said, ‘I guess Kellen’s a little touchy about his weight,’” Ricki said.

  “Kellen wouldn’t say boo to Liam. He’s a big ole cream puff.”

  “You didn’t see him beat the crap out of that guy over at the Rusted Bucket. I think he’s scary in his own lumbering retard way.” Ricki always said mean things about Kellen, but she was stupid. You’d have to be stupid to like Liam and not Kellen.

  Dee laughed until she saw Mama standing there, glaring.

  Hate rippled off Mama and fluttered against my skin. It made my stomach hurt.

  “Get up off your asses, you fucking whores. I don’t stand in my own house,” Mama said.

  “It’s not your house,” Ricki said.

  “The hell it isn’t. Everything that’s his is mine. I’m his wife. If I told him to, he’d kick you to the curb.”

  I wasn’t sure Mama had that kind of power over Liam, but Ricki and Dee must have thought so, because they stood up. Mama put Donal on the floor, sat down, and lit one of their cigarettes.

  “Where is he?” she said.

  “Out in the lab.”

  “Go get him.”

  When he came to the trailer, Liam’s smile didn’t touch me and only brushed over Donal, before it burned on Mama.

  “God, you look fantastic, baby,” he said.

  She stood up, all glowy, waiting for him to kiss her. He leaned her against the edge of the table, and his hand found the special place between her legs. There was no rule against him touching Mama there.

  Mama giggled. “Are we leaving for Myrtle Beach this morning?”

  “You’re coming? What about the kids, Val?”

  “They can go to Brenda’s. It looks like you’ve got plenty of people sitting around doing nothing.” Mama looked at Ricki and Dee in the doorway.

  “Yeah, yeah. Dee, why don’t you take the Charger, drive them down to her sister’s?” He didn’t even look at her. With Mama there, Dee was invisible like me.

  10

  DEE

  As Dee backed out of the drive, she realized she didn’t know where she was going. She looked in the rearview mirror at Liam’s daughter, who was cute as could be, but creepy. Even if she knew where they were going, she wouldn’t say a word to Dee. S
he never had.

  Leaving the kids in the car, Dee walked back to the house. Liam had Val on his lap, his hand up her short skirt.

  “Where am I going?” Dee said.

  “To her sister’s in Tulsa.” Liam didn’t even bother to move his hand. He was so gorgeous, all that blond hair, and tan from being out on the bike.

  “I know, but what’s the address?”

  Her arm around Liam’s neck, Val winked at Dee. “One-Four-Three-Two-Two Fawn Hill Circle. Do you think you can find that?”

  They had been friends once, and Dee felt sorry for Val. She was seriously messed up, and whatever was wrong with her, it had created a chance for Dee. If Val were okay, why would Liam waste his time on Dee?

  She drove Kellen’s Charger, faster than she should have, and risked getting pulled over. An hour outside the city, the little boy started whining and crying. It made Dee glad she hadn’t done something stupid like get knocked up. Of course, that was how Val got Liam, popping out babies for him. Popping out a son … who wouldn’t stop crying.

  “Can’t you make him be quiet?” Dee said.

  The crying didn’t seem to bother Wavy, but it rattled Dee’s nerves so much that she got the address turned around in her head. At 13422 Fawn Hill Circle, the man who answered the door looked confused.

  “Val asked me to drop the kids off,” Dee said.

  “I think you’ve got the wrong address.”

  She tried the neighbors and got the same thing. Cruising down the block, Dee felt helpless and panicked. If she didn’t get back by dark, the rest of the guys would have left already and she’d be stuck at the ranch while Liam partied at Myrtle Beach. With Val.

  From the backseat, Wavy said, “There.”

  Dee slammed on the brakes and, as she looked at the houses, Liam’s daughter opened the door and stepped out of the car. She left the door open as she crossed the street and started up the walk in front of a neat yellow house. It almost made Dee sick how neat it was. Grass trimmed, white shutters, station wagon out front. The kind of thing Dee would have ended up with if she’d listened to her mother’s advice.

  Throwing the car into park, Dee hurried around to the open door to get Donal. If she could make the hand-off and get on the road, it would be okay.

  “Who are you?” Val’s sister came down the sidewalk.

  “Val asked me to drop the kids off.”

  “What do you mean? Drop them off? For how long?”

  “Probably just a week or so.”

  Dee shoved the baby at Val’s sister, who finally held out her arms and took him. She looked stunned, but that was her problem. Let her be stunned.

  Then Dee was flying down the interstate, feeling giddy and excited. Until she remembered that Val was riding behind Liam with her arms around him.

  And what would Dee do? The same thing Ricki would do. Look around for whatever fun she could get that Liam wouldn’t find out about. That probably meant being with one of the guys. Somebody who had as much to lose as she did if they got caught. Because Liam was jealous, unless it was his idea. If he said, “Why don’t you give Vic a good time?” then that was okay. Unless he thought you’d enjoyed it too much and that’d come back to bite you.

  It was still light out when Dee got back to the ranch. In the front yard, four bikes stood ready to go, with four more on a trailer behind the truck. Kellen was loading up a pair of toolboxes.

  “Am I riding with you? Give me five minutes,” Dee called as she stepped out of the Charger. She needed a shower, but maybe she would just grab some makeup and clean clothes so she didn’t look like a piece of shit next to Val.

  Kellen shrugged. He wasn’t retarded, but he was definitely slow. Dee thought it was that fetus alcohol thing. That’s why his eyes were slanted, too, or that was because he was an Indian. Flat-faced, too. About as homely as a mud fence.

  At least he waited for her. When she came out of the trailer, he was the only one there. He jammed her pack into his saddlebag. Then he swung his leg over the bike and started it. The sound of a big engine firing up always got Dee right in her cunt and, riding behind him, who cared what Kellen looked like? She leaned into him on the highway, smoothed her hands over his belly, down to his belt buckle.

  They stopped before dawn. Two of the guys bedded down in the truck, and Kellen paid for two hotel rooms. Nobody said a word about how to divvy them up, but it was four people, four beds. Butch and Liam were way old friends and Terry had rotten teeth. That left Kellen.

  Alicia, one of the girls from last summer, had screwed Kellen as a favor to Liam. She said he was hung. Polite, but sweaty and awkward. Like having sex with a walrus. “You’ve had sex with a walrus?” Ricki had asked and they all died laughing, stoned out of their minds.

  At least sex with Kellen would take Dee’s mind off Liam.

  Or it would if Kellen weren’t so shy. Alone with her, he didn’t leer when she came out of the bathroom in a too-small motel towel. He didn’t even look at her, even though she stood between him and the TV. When he finally looked up, she dropped the towel.

  “Are you too tired?” she said.

  “Not too much, I guess.”

  I guess. God, she didn’t ask for romance, but could he show a little enthusiasm? Not wanting the walrus experience, she pushed him back on the bed and opened his fly. As advertised, he had some equipment, what you’d expect from a guy his size. Also, he didn’t try to kiss her and he lasted long enough for her to get off. She went into the bathroom to clean up and when she came out, Kellen was taking off his boots.

  “Thanks,” he mumbled.

  It surprised her. She hadn’t really thought about the fact that she was doing him a favor. She hadn’t thought about him at all. Pulling back the covers on the other bed, she crawled in, relieved that she wouldn’t have to sleep next to him.

  “Here.” He opened his wallet and counted out some money.

  Dee never liked taking money for it, but she folded the bills into her purse. When she was with Liam, money wasn’t a problem, but what were the odds he’d even notice her with Val there? She needed the cash.

  Kellen met her gaze for a second before he looked away. “I don’t mean—it’s not—Liam told me to give you this.”

  “Oh, cool.” Curling on her side away from him, Dee tried to think of something nice to say and couldn’t.

  Kellen was a lousy liar and he snored.

  11

  AMY

  Mom came back to the kitchen with a crying little boy in her arms. She sat down and cried, too, rocking him back and forth on her lap. It scared me until I saw Wavy standing in the doorway with bruises on her face and a fresh scab under her lower lip. Then it all made sense.

  “Oh my God,” Mom said. “What am I going to do?”

  By the time Dad came home from work, things were calm. Donal was napping. Mom was cooking. Leslie, Wavy, and I were upstairs playing Barbies. Or Leslie and I were playing Barbies. Wavy was playing with Ken. We never used him unless Barbie got married, but Wavy undressed him and made him trade clothes with a Barbie.

  “He can’t wear that,” Leslie said. Everything had to be just right with her. She and I had matching rooms, right out of the JCPenney catalog. Hers pink, mine yellow. Wavy in her black leather boots didn’t fit in the catalog. She tore open the catalog and made surprising things happen. Like Ken in a dress.

  Dad came upstairs and stood in the doorway with a drink in his hand. He looked tired. It was the first time he’d been home before our bedtime all week. Mom stood behind him clutching her hands together.

  “Hi, girls,” Dad said.

  “Hi, Daddy,” Leslie and I said.

  “Hi, Vonnie.”

  “Not Vonnie,” Wavy said.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Not Vonnie. Kellen calls me Wavy.”

  “Who’s Kellen?” Mom said.

  “Jesse Joe Kellen.”

  We all came under the authority of the unknown Jesse Joe Kellen, because Wavy wouldn’t answer to an
y other name. After dinner, even though it was a school night, Leslie and I got to stay up late. Wavy taught us to play poker with the money out of our piggy banks. We had to loan her money since she didn’t have any. She didn’t even have pajamas or a clean pair of undies.

  From the bottom of the stairs, Dad yelled, “Vonnie! Come down here.”

  Wavy didn’t move and after a minute, Mom called, “Wavy! Come down here.”

  When we got downstairs, Dad was saying, “For God’s sake, Brenda, I thought we were done with this.”

  “What was I supposed to do? A complete stranger dropped off my niece and my nephew. Was I supposed to say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, my husband and I decided we were done with this’?”

  Dad turned and looked at the three of us.

  “Vonnie—Wavy, have you been going to school this year?”

  Wavy nodded.

  “What grade are you in?”

  She held up three fingers.

  “You see how easy that was, Brenda? Val’s been sending her to school, so maybe you could cut the hysterics, okay?”

  “Girls, go back upstairs,” Mom said.

  “Is Wavy going to stay?” I said.

  Mom looked at Dad, who looked at the ceiling.

  “For a while,” she said. “Now, go to bed. You have school tomorrow.”

  Wavy and Donal stayed. Dad made Wavy promise she wouldn’t sneak out at night, but it was still two magical weeks of Wavy’s games and Leslie’s cries of protest every time we played a prank.

  On the last day of school, Wavy went with me, so everyone got to see my strange cousin who didn’t eat or talk, but who wasn’t afraid to pump a swing as high as it would go and jump off.

  That Saturday, Aunt Val came to get them.

  “She looks like a cheap hooker,” Dad muttered as she came up the sidewalk.

  I thought she looked beautiful, in a tight black dress that laced up the front and left her legs bare, all the way down to her tall black shoes and her red-painted toenails. She had flower tattoos on her arms and shoulders, and when she hugged me, she smelled of perfume and cigarettes.