Chasing Spring

  He pushed off his cot and moved to sit on the edge of my bed, just against my left leg.

  “You honestly thought I'd do that? We're dating Lilah. I love you.”

  I squeezed my eyes closed and wished I could tell him how much I loved him too, but I was drowning. Even though his words soothed my insecurities, they also stoked fiery feelings of self-loathing. What if Trent had taken advantage of me the night before? I'd been stupid enough to put myself in that situation in the first place.

  Before I could open my mouth, the hospital door slid open and my dad stepped into the room. He let out a visible sigh when he saw me sitting up and then tilted his head toward the door.

  “Chase, do you mind if I have a talk with Lilah for a second?” my dad asked.

  Chase pushed up off the cot but didn't bother looking back at me as he exited the room. When the door clicked back into place, my dad sighed and wiped his palms down his cheeks, giving me an exasperated look.

  “You can't do that to me, kid,” he began. “I tried calling you two dozen times last night and when you didn't answer. Do you know how scared I was, trying to figure out where you'd gone? Chase's dad was in an accident and you were lost...” His voice shrank to a whisper. “It brought back memories of...that day.”

  I opened my mouth to apologize but he kept going. “You're grounded for the rest of the school year.”

  I nodded.

  “There's less than a month left before you graduate, and that means you have one month left to get your head screwed on right.” He paused and took a seat on the end of my bed. “I know you've had it harder than any of us after your mother died. It's not fair, but you are going to have to learn sooner than anybody else your age that just because a bad thing has happened, it doesn't mean the world is going to stop hitting you. Just look at Chase's dad.”

  “I'm not going to—”

  “I've tried to be there for you, but there are just some things that a father can't do.”

  I felt tears collecting at the corner of my eyes. “Dad, you've done everything you could. You've been a good fath—”

  He held up his hand to cut me off. “I know, I know. You don't have to tell me that. I want you to go college as the confident woman that I know you to be. I'm not a fool. I know that you and Chase have been seeing each other, but I trusted you two to make smart decisions. I had a tough choice to make with that: either I kicked him out and he’d be forced to move back in with his father, or I could dig my heels in and hope that maybe he'd be able to help you work through some of the grief you've kept buried inside.”

  I shook my head. “I don't have grief buried inside,” I argued.

  He tilted his head, narrowing his eyes to study me. “Your mom was fighting her own demons. Her death had nothing to do with you.”

  His blunt words caught me by surprise and I inhaled a sharp breath. He'd never talked about her death like that before.

  “Some people slay their demons. Not everyone kills themselves,” I argued.

  His frown deepened. “Maybe hers were a little bit bigger than other people's.”

  “Yeah?” I leaned forward and pointed at my chest. “Well, what does it say about her love for us if it didn't outweigh the demons?”

  “Is that what you think? That she didn't love you enough?” He reached his hand out to rest it on the blanket covering my legs. Tears slipped down my cheeks and I was helpless to stop them.

  “She loved you, Lilah.”

  I wasn’t ready to process his words; my grief was still covered in dust and decay.

  The doctor came in later that morning and gave me the green light to go home. I changed into normal clothes while my dad gathered my things. When we had everything packed up, I followed my dad out of the room to find Chase waiting outside, leaning against the wall with his feet crossed and his head tilted down. I wondered what he was staring at, but I didn't get to ask before he glanced up.

  “Did you go check on your dad?” I asked.

  He nodded and crossed his arms as my dad headed for the elevators, giving us a moment to talk alone.

  “Is he doing better? You never told me how bad his injuries were,” I asked.

  “He's staying in the hospital for another few nights but then they'll release him to go home. They set up a nurse for home care but I’m moving back to help too.”

  I froze. “You're moving back to your house?”

  Chase let his head fall back against the wall and he stared up at the ceiling. “The doctor said he needs someone to stay with him and I can't just leave him like that.”

  “No, of course not,” I said. Of course Chase would take care of his dad. I just hadn't thought about the possibility of him moving out. “How long will you stay?”

  “Until I leave for college.”

  He was dislodging my world piece by piece. No, I told myself. It doesn't have to be that bad.

  “We'll still see each other at school, and I can help you take care of your dad,” I said, trying to make the best of the situation.

  Chase blew out a puff of air and let his gaze fall to me. I’d never seen his hazel eyes look so sad. Those eyes were the first sign of his heartbreak.

  “Lilah, are you in love with me?”

  I took a step back.

  “What?

  “Are you in love with me?” he asked again, slower this time.

  I squeezed my eyes closed as a long, sad pause passed between us.

  “I…”

  He sighed and then laughed pitifully. “I love you.” I snapped my eyes open as he continued, “I love you and you got in that car with Trent. Why would you go with him? Do you not trust me at all?”

  I shook my head.

  “Why won’t you answer me?” He kept firing question after question. “Why does everyone I love end up leaving me? My mom, my dad, now y—”

  “It doesn't matter!” I yelled, interrupting him. “Don’t you see that? It's exactly why you shouldn't love me. I’m not good enough for you!” I pointed between the two of us and let the floodgates open. “You should be with someone like Kimberly. When you go to college, there will be girls throwing themselves at you left and right. You'll finally realize how much better you can do.”

  “Lilah, you're beautiful,” he said.

  I shook my head angrily. “That's not what this is about! I'm not insecure about my looks. I don't give a shit about how I look or how you look.” I pointed at my chest. “I'm talking about the inside…the gritty parts.” I took a breath and continued. “Underneath it all, you’re perfect. You'd do anything for the people you love and that's why you're with me. You want to be my hero. I'm the sad, broken girl you grew up with, and you want to swoop in and save the day. I don't even think you realize you're doing it.”

  “What are you talking about?” he argued. His brows were furrowed and his eyes were clouded in confusion.

  I took a step back and felt the shift…the beginning of the end.

  “I never asked for a hero, Chase. I don’t want to be saved.”

  He stood there watching me with his lips parted and his brows tugged together. He had no clue what I was talking about, but he’d figure it out one day, and when he did, he’d know that I’d been right to walk away. I didn’t need him as my hero.

  I kept backing away until I bumped into a nurse behind me.

  “Oh, excuse me,” she said, gripping my shoulder to make sure I didn’t tip over. That’s when the first tear fell. I dropped my head so she wouldn’t see it.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumbled before I spun and headed for the elevator. Chase stayed frozen in place, watching me walk away.

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  Chase

  I gripped the steering wheel of my truck and tried to work up the courage to go inside the Calloways’ house and grab my things. It’d been 24 hours since Lilah had walked away from me in the hospital. I’d stood there, trying to wrap my head around her thoughts, but in the end I was no closer to understanding her.

  Eve
ntually, I’d left. I’d gone to room 178 and stayed with my dad, listening carefully as the nurses taught me about his home care. He didn’t deserve my attention, but he had no one else. For the next week or two, he’d be bedbound, which meant if he wanted to eat, I had to feed him. If he had to shit, I had to help him. Really, compared to the past few years, nothing was different. He was the child, I was the parent; our roles were finally coming full circle.

  The doctors promised my dad would be discharged and ready to go home in a few days, so I wanted to move my stuff back into the house, clean it up, and get settled before then. Every pack of cigarettes was going in the trash and every bottle of alcohol was going down the drain. If I was going to help nurse him back to health, he’d be sober for every excruciating second of my time there.

  With that resolution, I finally pushed open the door of my truck and walked toward the Calloways’ front door. I couldn’t sit in their driveway all day. Lilah and I would have to face each other in school, so I might as well get the first awkward encounter over with.

  I knocked gently and then walked inside, relieved to find the living room empty save for Harvey. He’d been waiting patiently for me behind the door, but he was a whining, wagging ball of energy. I bent down and let him lick my face, smiling for the first time in two days. His soft whines told me how much he’d missed me. I knew Lilah and Mr. Calloway were taking care of him for me, but it felt better to have him back. He and I were a team. Even when I didn’t have my dad or Lilah, I knew I had Harvey.

  “C’mon boy, let’s go get my stuff.”

  He barked and wagged his tail, turning circles around my legs as I stood.

  There were boxes piled up by the stairs, ten or twelve in total, neatly stacked with my name scribbled on the side of them. I recognized Coach Calloway’s handwriting, and when I stepped closer, I saw he’d stuck a note to the box on top.

  Thought I’d help you pack. I’ll come by the house tomorrow and check on you and your dad. Let me know if you need anything or if you change your mind.

  - Coach

  I crumpled up the note and shoved it into my pocket before picking up the first box. I made quick work of transporting them all to my truck. Harvey followed me back and forth, curious about where we were going. Once I loaded up the last one, I turned to him.

  “I just need to check my room,” I said, bending down and rubbing behind his ear.

  He was anxious to leave, but I had to make sure Coach Calloway had packed everything. I hadn’t seen my cameras inside any of the boxes and I couldn’t leave without them, even if I wouldn’t have the time to work on them.

  I took the stairs two at a time with Harvey at my feet. Lilah’s door was closed, but I ignored it anyway; she wasn’t coming out any time soon. I needed my cameras and she needed her space.

  I pushed the door open into my room and bent down to look under the bed. I shoved the comforter aside and spotted my cameras and tools sitting there, forgotten. I pulled out the two boxes, dusted off the tops, and sat back on my heels. A quick scan around the room proved that Coach Calloway had packed up everything else. The room looked just like it had when I’d first moved in. It had never really belonged to me. It was borrowed, just like everything else in my life.

  I glanced over at the stack of boxes in the corner and paused on the biggest one on the bottom. It had always held my attention more than the other boxes. It was the one I’d tried to cover with angry pen strokes, but it hadn’t helped. Her name was still there beneath the ink. Elaine. I moved before I realized what I was doing. I deconstructed the stack and ripped the lid off that box, looking for answers in the confines of stale, moldy cardboard. I pushed aside old newspaper clippings and saved birthday cards and then my finger skimmed across the binding of an old book.

  I pulled it from the box and turned it over in my hand. It was ancient and fragile. I blew off a layer of dust across the front cover and then flipped it open.

  I barely made it two pages in before jumping to my feet.

  Lilah.

  Chapter Fifty-Seven

  Lilah

  I was out working in my garden when Chase came to get a few things from his room. I heard his truck rumble into the driveway, but I kept my gaze trained on the plants in front of me. Everything was blooming nicely. In a week’s time, the green beans and squash would be ready to pick and the tomatoes would be falling off their vines. I’d already plucked some of them. They were green and could have done well with another few days on the vine, but I didn't want the squirrels to get to them first. They’d ripen up nicely inside.

  I grabbed my basket of vegetables and turned toward the house just as Chase pushed the screen door open. He held his hand up to shield the sunlight and for a moment I was taken aback by the sight of him. He was golden in every sense of the word. Tan and blond and pure hearted.

  “Your garden is lookin' good,” he said, eyeing the beds behind me. I followed his gaze and tried to see it all from his perspective. My garden was having a good year so far. The raspberries hadn't come in yet, but everything else was doing well.

  “Thanks. Let me put some of these tomatoes in a bag so you can take them to your dad,” I said, walking up the back steps to the stack of folded grocery bags I kept in a basket near the back door. We both reached down for one, but he beat me to it. He whipped it open and held it out so I could drop the tomatoes inside.

  When it was filled up, I folded the top down and gave him a small smile.

  “You didn't really give me the chance to talk yesterday,” he said.

  I swallowed and shoved my hands into my back pockets, praying he wouldn’t try and rehash the argument. It’d only been one day; we hadn’t even given the dust time to settle.

  “You and I need time apart,” he said, holding my gaze.

  I tilted my head and stared up at him, confused by his change of attitude.

  “Not because I don’t love you and not because we won’t end up together. No. You see, you and me, Lilah, we’re a done deal.”

  “Are we?”

  He crossed his arms confidently. “I’d like to think so.”

  I glanced away, trying to get a grip on the tears before he noticed them. I didn’t want to cry. We weren’t fighting or breaking up or screaming; that part was done. Even still, I couldn’t stop the sadness from welling up inside of me.

  “But even if you don’t come back to me, I think we’ll be okay,” he continued.

  I focused on the side of the porch, biting the inside of my cheek to keep my protests inside, but it didn’t work. They spilled out anyway.

  “I thought you said you wanted to give me a happy ending?”

  He smiled a sad smile that never reached his eyes. “Maybe instead I have to be satisfied with a happy middle.”

  I shook my head, confused.

  “Think about it. Does the ending even matter? Shouldn’t the middle be the happy part? It’s the biggest chunk of our life, and yet no one ever asks if two people had a happy middle. They care too much about the ending.”

  I shook my head and wiped my nose, trying to keep the sadness hidden away. I didn’t want a happy middle. I wanted Chase forever. I wanted him until the very end, but he was leaving. He was agreeing that we needed space and if I wasn’t going to fight, and he wasn’t going to fight, then we were truly finished.

  “It’s the middle that counts,” he affirmed, stepping forward and wrapping me in a hug.

  My cheek hit his chest and I closed my eyes, gripping the back of his shirt so he couldn’t leave. I inhaled the scent of him and tried to memorize how warm it felt to stand there in his arms. I wanted to cling to him forever, to beg him to be my hero, but my lips wouldn’t move. I was paralyzed by the end of us.

  “I have to go make lunch for my dad, but I left something on your bed that I think you should look at. It doesn’t have to be today, but you need to look at it soon,” he said.

  I nodded and he stepped away like he was ripping off a bandaid. In one step, he stripped
me of his warmth and from that moment forward, we weren’t Chase and Lilah. We were Chase and Lilah.

  I stood on the porch as he headed for his truck. The air swirled with remnants of his body wash and I told myself he’d come back and fight for us. I told myself we weren’t over, but he disappeared around the corner of the house and a few minutes later I heard his truck rumble out of the driveway. I thought I’d crack, and maybe I did, but I still dropped that basket of vegetables on the porch and bolted upstairs.

  I needed to know what he’d left me.

  Chapter Fifty-Eight

  Chase

  A small part of me feared Lilah would never come back to me, but I didn’t have a choice. She needed space, and I was giving her that. I had to let her go with the hope that one day she’d come to realize that for her, I was home. We'd break out of Blackwater and start fresh somewhere without bad memories weighing us down.

  I gave her space and I survived each day the same way a soldier survives war: keeping my head down and clinging to better times. As I changed my dad's bandages, I thought of Lilah in her garden. As I cooked my dad dinner, I daydreamed of sleeping with her out in the abandoned field. As I drove him to and from his hospital appointments, I resisted the urge to drive down her street to check if she was home.

  “Do you want to stop at the store on the way home?” I asked as I helped him into my truck after the doctor had casted his arm. They'd had to wait for the swelling to go down before doing so.

  “Nah, not today,” he said with a groan as he adjusted in his seat.

  My brows shot up in surprise. My father hadn't had a sip to drink since the day of the accident almost two weeks earlier. He was on some pretty strong medications and the doctors had warned him about mixing alcohol with them. To make it easier on him, I'd tossed all the alcohol that was in the house, but he’d taken his last round of pain pills the night before. If he wanted to, he could go right back to the bottle.