Behind Your Back

  Sylas is exactly where I thought he would be. In my room, on my bed. He’s going through the papers again. He doesn’t look up when I walk in and quietly close the door.

  “What are you going to do now?” I ask. I'm not sure if he’s going to include me in his plans. I hope he does, so I don’t have to do it behind his back.

  “Cash knew. He knew and he didn’t tell me,” he says, but he’s not angry. He’s surprised.

  “When you were gone, I called him and asked if he’d seen you. He said that there was something he wanted to talk to you about. Maybe it was this.” He sets another page aside and meets my eyes.

  “Maybe. Or maybe he was never going to tell me. Your father would go and find him and kill him and I’d never know. They say ignorance is bliss, but that’s bullshit.” Certain kinds of ignorance, I suppose.

  “What are you going to say to Cash?” I ask. I’m picturing another scene with physical blows.

  “I’m not going to hurt him. He’s stronger than I am, for one, and he fights dirty.” I breathe a little sigh of relief.

  “That doesn’t mean he’s off the hook, though.”

  “I imagine not.” I bite my lip and wonder what I should do. What my place is in all this. Wonder if I’m still a priority in the face of revenge.

  “We should go,” he says, gathering up the pages and tucking them under his arm. We. He said we.

  “Okay,” I say, and he gives me a tight smile before getting up from the bed and walking toward me.

  “When we get back to your place, I’m going to need to fuck you. Hard. All night.” My body blazes with fire and need. I love it when he wants me like this. It’s primal and raw and it’s just as wonderful as when we go slowly.

  “Okay,” I say, and my voice comes out as a squeak.

  He wasn’t lying. The minute we get out of the car, he’s taking my hand and dragging me up the stairs to my place. He even takes the keys from me to open the door faster.

  The papers tumble to the floor, scattering all around. He tackles me and before I know what’s happening, we’re fucking on top of the surveillance photos of his father. I try not to think about the symbolism as he drives so hard into me his hipbones leave bruises and I know I’m going to be raw in the morning. The little spark of pain adds another dimension to the sex and I hold onto him so he won’t fuck me across the floor. When he finally comes, he pulls out and does it on my stomach. He’s never done that before and I wonder why, but I don’t ask. His eyes are wild and he’s breathing hard. He lies on his back for a moment and then gets and comes back with a towel to clean me off. I slowly get up and peel the papers off my back.

  “Bedroom?” he says, and I nod. The next second I’m in his arms and he’s carrying me, holding me much more gently. He lays me down in bed and then joins me. I turn on my side to face him. He’s looking at my body, his eyes tracing my neck and shoulders, my stomach and hips and toes.

  “Are you going to kill him?” I ask in a hushed voice. His eyes flick up to meet mine.

  “I want to. More than anything. It’s what I always wanted. I was always jealous of the person who sunk a shiv into him in the prison yard. Come to find out that never happened and now I get to be the person to do it.” He reaches out and twirls a few strands of hair between his fingers.

  That didn’t answer my question.

  “I keep trying to think what she would want. What she would say if I asked her,” he says.

  “And?”

  “I don’t know, Saige. I really don’t know.” The storm has passed for the moment, but I’m only waiting. The clouds will come around again.

  “You don’t have to decide right this second,” I say, tracing one of the birds on his stomach.

  “But I have to decide soon. He’s not going to stay in one place.” Probably not.

  “But Cash has already found him, so it’s just a matter of tracking him now.”

  “I suppose.” He flops on his back and looks up at the ceiling.

  “I don’t know what to fucking do. I have so much going on in my brain. It feels like it’s going to explode,” he says. I turn over and then lay myself across his chest.

  “You can talk to me, you know. About anything.” His arm goes around me and starts drawing random patterns on my back.

  “I know. I really want to thank you for today. I know I scared you and I'm sorry about that. I really regret putting my hands on your father. I’ve just never felt so out of control in my life.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. This is what people do who love each other. They support one another.” It’s about time he had someone to be his rock. His light in the darkness. I’m more than happy to fill that role.

  “Every day I remind myself I don’t deserve you, Saige Juliette Beaumont. I don’t deserve you, Redhead.”

  I kiss his chest.

  “It doesn’t matter if you do. You’ve got me.” He chuckles.

  I expected him to jump right up and charge after his father, leaving me in the dust. But he fucks me several more times instead and then falls asleep. I think he’s exhausted, both physically and mentally.

  And I still don’t think he knows what he’s going to do. I like that he’s stopping to consider what his mother would want. I know she’d like that, if she were here. I’m not sure if I believe in heaven or not, but I’m sure if she could have stuck around, she would have. For both her children.

  Lizzy. It’s good that she’s not involved in this.

  I fall asleep after Sylas and only wake when he gets up.

  “Where are you going?” I say, reaching out to grab him.

  “Bathroom,” he says, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “Be right back.”

  My eyes fly open and I panic, thinking maybe he’s tricking me and he’s going to leave. But then I hear the water run and he’s back in the room, lying down next to me and pulling me against his chest again.

  I close my eyes and let myself fade back into sleep.

  Fifteen

  My alarm rings far too early. Far, far too early. I completely forgot that it is Monday and I have to go to class and study and be a college student.

  Sylas is still asleep and I watch him for a moment. His face is free off worry and I like that. I thought he might start having nightmares like I do, but he’s out like a rock.

  I head to the shower, wincing as I walk. I definitely have marks from our activities last night, including a few on my collarbone and neck from Sylas’ mouth. I can’t remember the last time I had to cover a hickey. I must have been in high school.

  After my shower, I go grab some coffee and then get dressed. Sylas is still asleep and I don’t want to wake him. I wait until the last possible moment before I touch his shoulder. His eyes open slowly and he seems confused for a few seconds until he looks up and sees my face.

  “Hey,” I say. “I have to get to class.” I really don’t want to leave him, but I can’t miss any classes right now. Finals are next week and we’re doing reviews and study guides.

  “It’s okay,” he says, stretching. He’s still naked and all I want to do is climb back into bed with him and spend the whole day having sex.

  “What are you going to do today?” I ask, trying to be casual about asking.

  He rubs his eyes and sits up. Despite sleeping so hard, he still has dark circles under his eyes.

  “I’m not leaving today. I need to talk to Cash and I need to just… figure out what I’m going to do.” I sit on the bed again and put my hand on his shoulder.

  “Will you promise me one thing?” I ask.

  “That depends on what it is,” he says. He probably knows what I’m going to ask, but I’m going to say it anyway.

  “Don’t leave without me. If you’re going, I’m going with you. And if you leave and don’t tell me, I’m going to come and I’m going to find you anyway. You know I can.” I grab his face and hold it, hard.

  “Don’t fucking leave me, Sylas Carter. Don’t you dare. If you do, I won’t be her
e for you when you get back. Do you understand?” I need him to know how important this is. That we go together.

  I loosen my hold and he nods once.

  “I promise,” he says.

  “Good,” I say, leaning down to give him a kiss goodbye. “I love you. So much.” He stares into my eyes and then smiles slowly.

  “I love you, Saige Beaumont.” I walk out and take one look back at him. He promised me he wouldn’t go, but a tiny cynical part of my brain keeps telling me he’s not going to be here when I get back.

  I’m off and distracted the whole day. Normally I’m able to put everything aside for school, but today it’s just not happening. I’m scattered and flustered and I just want to go home.

  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t text him a few times, just to check in. During a break between classes, I call Dad.

  “How are you doing today?” I ask. I’m not going to specifically mention his injured throat. I’m still shocked he didn’t call the police, or attack Sylas back.

  “I’m fine,” he says, and he sounds like he’s got strep throat.

  “Are you sure?” I say. This change of roles is still new to me. I’m used to my father being the solid one. The stable one who reins in my chaos.

  “Yes, Saige. I’m fine. A little battered, but none the worse for wear.” He laughs and I’m shocked. He seems totally cavalier. I just can’t believe he would give up on his goal so easily.

  My life is filled with confusing men who won’t let me into their heads.

  “Okay, well, I just wanted to check on you to see how things were going.” I hear him say something to someone else. “Dad?”

  “Sorry, I’m just busy. I’ll talk to you later?” He’s definitely distracted.

  “Sure, fine.” I want to scream, but I don’t have the energy to fight.

  “I love you, ladybug,” he says, using the stupid nickname he gave me when I was three.

  “Love you too, Dad.” I hang up and can’t help the unease that creeps through me. I always trust my intuition. Always.

  I rush home as soon as I can and drop my keys as I struggle to shove them in my door. But then the door opens and there he is. My Sylas.

  “Oh my God, you’re here,” I say, nearly collapsing in relief.

  “Of course I am,” he says, holding his arms open. “I promised.”

  I stumble into his embrace and want to cry.

  “I didn’t trust that you were telling me the truth,” I say into his chest.

  “I know. And that’s why I stayed. I want you to trust me, Saige. We can only move forward when we build trust.” I have a déjà vu moment because I’m pretty sure I’ve said the same thing.

  “I was so scared you were going to leave,” I whisper. He rubs my back with both hands. He’s so solid and warm and here. He’s here with me.

  He didn’t leave me.

  “It’s okay, Redhead. I stayed for you.” Now that makes me want to cry, but I choke it down. I really need to stop getting so emotional about things. I never used to be. I kept my emotions in check, locked away. I trained myself not to feel things as deeply as other people. To close myself off and just observe.

  It wasn’t living. My life was happening around me, not to me. Passivity versus activity. Now, with Sylas, I’m all in. Each and every moment with him is like a little pearl and I’ve started saving them, stringing a necklace of memories I’ll be able to keep forever.

  My Sylas.

  “I want to go to bed with you, but I have to study,” I say, not even worrying about how whiny I sound.

  “It’s okay. I’ve got things to do.” His eyes get shifty and that worries me.

  “What kind of things?” I ask. He’s withdrawing again, getting lost in his head. I know he’s got a lot to think about, but I wish he would share some of it with me.

  “I have to go after him, Saige,” he says. “I can’t let him get away. Not this time. He’s been running long enough.” He promised me this morning he wouldn’t go without me, but I can’t leave right now. I can’t miss finals, not even for him.

  “I understand,” I say. “But you promised.”

  He closes his eyes and when he opens them, he’s not looking at me.

  “I have to go, Saige.” What the hell about this morning? Was he just saying that to make me happy? Why didn’t he leave already?

  “Then why are you still here?” I ask. He steps away from me. “You made me a promise this morning and you’re already going back on it. If we’re trying to build trust, this isn’t the way to do it.”

  Will we ever trust one another? Is that even possible for the two of us?

  “It’s not that simple, Saige! You don’t understand!” His rage is surging to the surface again.

  “I know! But you can’t do this alone.” He storms back into the bedroom and I follow him. There’s a bag on the bed, already packed.

  “No, I can do this alone, Saige. You don’t want me to. Those are two different things.” I want to slap him. I want to hurt him. I want to throw him out. I want to make him stay.

  “I’ve taken care of my family on my own for six years. This is all I know. I love you, but I can’t bring you into this. Don’t you get that? I don’t want you near him. You’re the only good thing in my life that isn’t tainted by him. I just want to keep you safe, Saige. Can’t you fucking understand that?” I freeze, totally stunned. His reasons are not what I thought they were. If he’s being honest with me.

  “Look at me, Sylas.” He’s been staring at the suitcase for a while, as if he can’t bear to look me in the eye. But at the sound of my voice, he slowly looks up. There it is. The pain. The absolute, soul-crushing pain that steals my breath.

  “I don’t want you to see me like that,” he says, his voice nothing more than a whisper. “I don’t want you to know that part of me.” I take four steps until I’m standing so close to him, we’re almost touching, but not quite.

  “I want to know all the parts of you, Sylas. I love them already. We both have darkness in our lives. We’re not like regular people, and that’s something we’re going to have to deal with. It’s going to take work, you and me. But if you’ll take me as I come, I’ll do the same for you.” I reach up and stroke the side of his face. He hasn’t shaved again, and I wonder if it’s because he knows I like it that way.

  One single tear rolls down his cheek and I brush it away with my hand.

  “Don’t hide from me,” I say.

  “I have to go, Saige. I have to go.” He closes his eyes and backs up, reaching for the bag.

  “I’m not going to beg you to stay. But know that you’re hurting me right now, Sylas. Not because you’re going, but because you lied to me.” Without a word, he puts the strap of the bag on his shoulder and walks out of the room.

  I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to chase after him. He’s made his choice and he’s going to have to live with it. I ignore the few tears that slip down my face and I flinch when the door closes. Leo climbs out from under the bed, as if he was hiding from the tension. He rubs against my legs and looks up at me with a mournful meow.

  “I know,” I say and walk into the kitchen to get him some food.

  It’s good that I have so much studying to do, because it gives me an activity other than wallowing in bed with ice cream and too many romantic movies. I briefly consider calling Lo and telling her Sylas has left me, but it would be too much work to come up with a good story. She’s bound to ask a lot of questions and I don’t have the energy or desire to lie.

  Sylas sends me one text that he’s on a plane and he’ll let me know when he lands. I send back two letters “o” and “k.”

  I wonder what he’s thinking about. If he’s conflicted at all. If he misses me. He’s barely been gone for a few hours and the apartment is too quiet. Too empty. Leo won’t leave me alone, and I think it’s because he knows. I’ve never really been a cat person, but he’s growing on me.

  I’m knee-deep in writing a paper when my phone r
ings and I nearly fall out of my chair trying to grab and answer it.

  “Hello?”

  “Saige Beaumont,” Cash says, his normal chipper self. I wonder if he’s ever sad. If he’s ever not so upbeat.

  “What do you want?” My fuse is beyond short tonight.

  “I just wanted to let you know I’m with him. We just arrived in Texas and he’s just getting a rental car.” So he took Cash with him, but not me. Cash, who hid the fact his father is alive from him.

  “Okay,” I say.

  “I wanted to tell him, but I knew that if I did, this is where we’d end up. I’m not going to talk him out of it, because I’d rather not end up in the hospital. I might be stronger than he is, but he fights dirtier. And I know where his head is at. I understand it.”

  Cash’s story is a sad one, even more tragic than Sylas’.

  “He promised me he wouldn’t go without me. And then broke that promise a few hours later.” I know I sound like a jealous girlfriend, but I don’t care. I’m pissed at him for lying to me. For making me think I could trust him.

  “I’m sorry, Saige, but you know why he has to do this, right? He thinks he can’t move on with you until he gets this part of his past behind him.”

  “I know, I know,” I say, and I’m fighting a losing battle.

  “Okay, he’s coming back so I’m going to go. I’ll keep you updated.” The call ends before I can say anything else.

  I look down at my phone and I want to smash it on the floor. But then I’d still be pissed and I’d have a broken phone.

  I lay my head down on top of my laptop. I want to sleep. I want to sleep for a week. I give myself one moment of wallowing before I sit up and go back to my paper.

  Four cups of coffee and several thousand words later, I’m done with my paper. I move on to my study guides and check the clock. It’s nearly three in the morning. I might as well stay up all night at this rate. The caffeine in my system isn’t going to let me sleep, anyway. I power through and just before it’s time for me to get up, I get another text from Sylas.