A Song for Us

“Don’t you have a fucking life?” I put my hand out to block the photographer’s lens as Tucker and the guys hustled by to get to the waiting car outside.

  Ever since we had performed at the MTV Music Video Awards about four months ago, we’d begun attracting more attention, especially from the paps. Most days we could go about our daily business freely and without interruption, but ever since word got out that Tucker had proposed, paparazzi had been counting down the days until he tied the knot, stalking us with obnoxious persistence.

  Tucker has been pretty laid-back about it, but I couldn’t keep my cool as easily.

  “Don’t touch my camera, man. I’ll call the cops!”

  “You’re stalking us and you’re gonna call the cops on me? Bitch move, man.” I hurried after the guys and slid into the back of the murdered-out Escalade. The windows were tinted so black that even with the camera flash they couldn’t get a decent shot of us. I flipped off the photog from behind my window as we pulled out into the street and headed toward the chapel.

  “Thanks, man.” Tucker nodded in my direction.

  I smiled as I relaxed against the seat and stretched out my legs. “Not a problem.”

  “You should have let us throw you a bachelor party. It’s bad luck not to see some tatas before your big day,” Chris called out, causing the driver to glance in his rearview mirror at us.

  “I don’t want to go see some washed-up old lady swing around on a pole. I have the chick I want.”

  “Very noble of you, man, but I’d like to see some old naked chicks swing on a pole. Think of your friends, dude,” Terry joked, and we all laughed.

  “I told you we can do it in a few days . . . as long as Cass can come along.”

  “Why would you want to subject yourself to that?” Terry asked.

  “She’s going to be my wife.”

  “Could you imagine Donna in a strip club?” I laughed and shook my head as I tried to picture her uptight ass sitting in front of the stage. Even the more loosened-up version of Donna that seemed to be sticking around these days didn’t fit in with that scene.

  “It looks like you are imagining it, pervert.” Chris laughed and hit me on the arm.

  “Fuck off, man. It’s not like that.”

  The car slowed to a stop when we reached the church, and Tucker took a deep breath as we all stared at him.

  A large smile spread across his face. “I’m not gonna change my mind, guys. Let’s do this.”

  The driver pulled open the door and we all exited. He had parked out back, and thankfully no assholes with cameras were there to greet us. Given how stressed out I was this morning, this was a good thing. I didn’t need to be arrested for assault and miss the wedding of my best friend.

  We filed inside the small, dimly lit building. It looked more like a post office than a church. I was shocked it didn’t burst into flames as I entered. The priest greeted us as we walked in. He pulled Tucker to the side so they could speak privately and pointed to a room off to the left that we could wait in. We had ordered snacks and beverages to be ready for us while we waited, and they were lined up on a small card table against the wall. I still had my bottle of Jack, which I held down at my side so the preacher couldn’t see it. I knew it was sometimes part of religious ritual to drink wine in church, but I wasn’t sure how they felt about something a little harder.

  The holding room had a few foldout chairs and old paintings of Jesus on the cross. I wasn’t a religious person, but I could certainly understand why so many people are. Knowing someone else was looking out for you and would have your back was comforting. But that didn’t work for me. My thoughts always drifted to my little brother, and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t understand where God was on the day he had died.

  I unscrewed the lid to my bottle and took a healthy sip. The liquid no longer burned. My body was growing numb to its effects.

  Terry walked up beside me, his hands folded over his chest as he nodded his chin toward the old oil painting. “Whatchya thinking about?” he asked, his eyes dipping down to the bottle in my hand before he looked back to the picture.

  “Life . . . death . . . shit.” My words were beginning to slur and I knew it was time to cut myself off. I didn’t want to forget this day with Cass and Tucker.

  “That’s deep, man.” Terry reached down and took the bottle from me with a grin on his face. “I think we should slow down a bit.”

  After a long pause he rubbed his hand hard over his freshly shaved chin as if deep in thought. “You ever wonder what Donna looks like naked?”

  I shook my head and walked away, mumbling expletives under my breath. The guys were constantly ragging on me about Donna ever since they’d plotted to set us up a few months ago. They thought a game of pool and a few drinks would make me forget that Sarah was right next to me, and that she was back with that scumbag Derek, a jerk that didn’t even come close to deserving a woman like her. I was thankful they did though, because that had been the turning point for me and Donna—when she’d started loosening up and opening up with me a little. I grabbed a bag of pretzels from Chris and shoved my hand in to grab a few. He yanked the bag back out of my hand with a laugh.

  The door swung open and Tucker stepped inside, glancing behind him before letting the door close.

  “You look like you saw a ghost,” I joked as I shoved a pretzel in my mouth.

  “I sort of did.” He ran his hand over his hair, causing it to stick up haphazardly.

  “You didn’t see Cass in her dress, did you? That chick will flip the fuck out if you pull some bad-luck shit like that.”

  “No, not Cass. You know she invited some old friends to come. She didn’t mention it because she didn’t think they would be able to make it with their crazy schedule.”

  I pushed him aside as I pulled open the door and glanced out of the crack to the pews. My heart stopped as my eyes landed on Sarah. She was wearing a baby-blue dress to match the color scheme of the wedding. I rarely ever saw her in anything besides black, and it took my breath away. She looked beautiful, a softer side of her—one that people rarely got to see—shining through. I almost didn’t see Derek at her side, his hand on her lower back, dangerously close to grabbing her ass. Dick.

  Tucker pulled me back and the door shut again in front of my eyes. I squeezed them closed, wishing I hadn’t drunk so many shots.

  “It’s fine,” I lied with a smile as I threw my hands in the air. “So I thought she was cute. No big deal. You could have told me she was coming.”

  Chris shook his head and glanced over at Terry.

  “For fuck’s sake, guys. I’m not a lovesick puppy. I could give a fuck about Sarah and her shitty boyfriend. We’re just friends. Were friends. Whatever, it was never anything more than that.”

  “All right, man.” Tucker shrugged and forced a smile. “I’m glad to hear it.”

  I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes, taking in a deep, calming breath. I wasn’t going to let some chick fuck with my head. Not today. Cass and Tucker didn’t need my pointless drama. Sarah was smiling and didn’t seem the least bit fazed by the contact between her and Derek. She was . . . happy. I was going to do my best to pretend I was happy, too.

  “I need some air.” I pushed out of the door before anyone could stop me. I knew they thought I was going to make a scene, but I didn’t care. I felt as if the walls were closing in on me, and that picture of Jesus staring at me was beginning to creep me out. It felt as if he were silently judging me as he hung on that wall . . . on that cross.

  I didn’t glance Sarah and Derek’s way as I stepped out of the front doors of the church and pulled my cigarettes and lighter from my pocket. I didn’t realize my mistake before it was too late. I should have gone out the back. Instead, I was face-to-face with the same asshole photographer from the hotel lobby. He grinned as he raised his camera to his face and snapped a pic.

  I lit my cigarette, desperately trying to bite my tongue. The door opened behind me and Sarah stepped out next
to me. The tightening in my chest was painful, and trying to convince myself, once again, that she was just a friend—if that anymore—was nearly impossible. I wanted to reach out and touch her smooth skin, wrap my arms around her, and bury my face in her hair, but she had stopped returning my texts or calls months ago without ever explaining why—though I could venture that it had something to do with Derek.

  But I had no idea where our relationship stood anymore. The thought of her being able to dismiss me so easily was too much, and I pushed the idea away and focused on the cigarette that glowed hot in my hand. The photographer began to yell questions at us, asking if we were together.

  “Long time no see.” She sighed loudly as she stared off at the street.

  I nodded, squinting in the bright sunlight. It was overbearingly warm out and my stomach began to turn from the alcohol. “How’ve you been?” I asked, still unable to look at her. It was no secret I had a thing for her, and if everyone else could see it, I knew she could, too.

  “Can’t complain.”

  “Can’t or won’t?” I finally chanced a glance at her and smiled when her eyes met mine. Sarah was forced to grow up fast the way I had, and it was one of the reasons we had become so close while on the road together. We were exposed to the ugly side of life when we should have been hanging out with friends and playing games.

  Witnessing my brother’s death when he was hit by a car had destroyed me. We stood in the front yard of our home as on any other day. I threw around a football with Robert, who was only nine at the time, but he wanted to be just like me when he got older. As I threw the ball, there was a screeching of tires and the entire world slowed to a stop as I spun around to see a light blue Buick careening toward us. I panicked, unable to inhale as my eyes darted back to my brother, who was still smiling, oblivious to what was about to happen. It was the most horrific day of my life. Everyone knew, but no one ever brought it up. Sarah did the complete opposite. She forced me to face it so I could start to move past it.

  “Both I suppose.”

  “Get closer together!” the photog yelled at us.

  “Get a real fucking job,” I snapped back. His camera began to click faster as he continued to try to get a rise out of me.

  “Don’t let him get to you,” Sarah said under her breath.

  The door opened behind us and we both turned around to see Derek, his eyes darting back and forth between us before landing on Sarah. He ran his hand roughly through his dark, shoulder-length hair.

  “Cass is here. She’s asking for you.”

  “It was good talking to you, E.” Her lips tugged up into a small grin as she stepped inside. I let the door close completely before I took another long drag from my cigarette and flicked it toward the photographer. He swore loudly as I opened the door to the church and slid inside, smiling from ear to ear.

  My eyes flicked to the other door at the far end of the chapel that concealed the girls before I headed into the private room that held the band. I stopped as I stepped inside and Derek stood before me.

  “What’s up, man?” I asked casually as I made my way to the snack table and nonchalantly poured myself a Jack and Coke.

  “Nothing really. Was just telling the guys about a concert we had a few weeks back outside of Vegas. It was wild, man. The chicks were insane.” He was no longer talking to just me, and I gulped down my beverage, crumpling the plastic cup in my hand as he rambled on about some groupie who was willing to do anything to sneak off with him. Tucker placed his hand on my shoulder and I nodded at him, letting him know I was not going to fuck up this day for him. He patted my back before taking the bottle and pouring himself a drink.

  “She made her choice. You can’t do anything to help her if she doesn’t want to be helped,” he said quietly as the twins laughed loudly at something Derek had said. She made her choice. Those words stung like a motherfucker. I ran the back of my hand over my lips as I let that reality sink in.

  It was time for me to make a choice and stop sitting around waiting for someone who didn’t want me. It was just a fucking crush. I wasn’t even sure if Sarah had ever felt the same way about me. We would flirt, sure, but it never went any further than that.

  As if she were listening into my thoughts, the door popped open and Sarah stuck her head inside. “It’s time.” She grinned, her eyes meeting mine briefly before she looked down to the floor.

  Tucker followed her out of the door, and after a few more words, so did Derek. I glanced at Terry, unable to hide the anger in my eyes, before stepping out of the room and following the others to Cass’s room. All three of us would be walking her down the aisle in the absence of her father.

  Cass looked incredible in a simple white gown that went all the way to the floor. She had insisted on this weird strappy shit that went across her back. I teased her for days about getting tangled in it, but she’d made the right choice. Her hair was pulled up in lose curls, and the only jewelry she wore was her engagement ring and that damn heart locket from Tuck that she never removed. I couldn’t help but smile with pride as she beamed back at me, her makeup making her look as if she’d stepped off a runway. I knew she had learned to wear it that way from Sarah. We had butted heads when Cass first came to be a part of our dysfunctional little family, but I had grown to love her.

  “She cleans up nice, doesn’t she?” A voice broke through the silence and my eyes fell on Dorris. She was much thinner since the last time I had seen her, and she had aged at least ten years. Her lips curled up in a smile and I crossed the room in two large strides to hug her.

  “It’s been too long.” I gave her an extra squeeze before she pulled back to look me over. “Does Tuck know you’re here?”

  “Not yet.” Her smile grew. “I told him I wasn’t able to fly.”

  “He’s going to be excited. You were the one thing he said would be missing.”

  “That and a good meal. You boys are so thin.” Her eyes danced over the twins, who came over to give her a hug. Terry lifted her from the ground and she squealed, smacking him on the shoulder so he would put her down. “Hasn’t Cass been feeding you?”

  “They eat like horses. I can hardly keep up,” Cass joked, running her hand down the front of her silky dress.

  “I’ll have to send you some of my recipes. Tucker always loved my lasagna.”

  “I’d appreciate that. Thank you,” Cass said.

  SARAH

  DAMAGED AND FILTH had become like family during our tour, and it was amazing to be back with them all. It was like coming home. My eyes drifted over Derek, who sat next to me on the pew. I wondered how it was possible for Cass and Tuck to maintain that “first love” mentality when only a few weeks after the tour ended Derek had already begun to grow distant again. Living on the road is stressful, and going from one gig to the next wears you down. I hoped this trip would help us relax. At the least, I knew that this time he was being faithful.

  He looked bored as his foot jumped against the hardwood floor. He didn’t believe in marriage and wouldn’t even entertain the idea of making a bigger commitment. But I felt that he was all talk, that maybe he’d come around. We’d had some rough patches, but we always found our way back to each other—in a lot of ways, he’d become my rock, and it was getting harder and harder to imagine my life without him these days.

  I placed my hand on his knee to still his movements. He flicked my arm and I jumped.

  “Stop that! You know I hate when you do that.”

  I mumbled under my breath as I looked up at Tucker, who was standing in the front of the room, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He looked more excited than nervous, and it made me smile knowing Cass had found someone who truly loved her.

  A lot had changed since we had gone on tour with Damaged. Our band was playing more gigs and that meant a lot of long hours on the road. It was nearly impossible to get a decent night’s sleep, and on top of that, the partying intensified.

  I envied Cass and Tucker for being able to walk t
hrough hell and back together and still smile when their eyes met. I glanced over at Derek and he winked at me, causing my heart to skip a beat. He was good at frustrating me one minute and melting my heart the next.

  E stepped out of the door in the back of the room, and his eyes met mine briefly before he made his way to Tucker and whispered something quietly to him. Tucker grinned and said something back to him.

  “I still don’t like that asshole,” Derek’s angry voice broke through my thoughts.

  “He’s a good guy”—I cleared my throat—“and you know he’s been through a lot. What is your problem with him, anyway? He never did anything to you.”

  Derek’s eyes met mine now. “Did he ever do anything to you?”

  I hated that someone I had once considered one of my closest friends and my boyfriend didn’t get along. Derek had always been jealous of the friendship I had developed with E when Derek and I had first split up. Two weeks after the tour ended, Derek and I had gotten into a huge fight because E had texted me in the middle of the night after having another melt-down, and since then Derek had forced me to cut off communication with E entirely. But that was just how E and I worked. He listened to me and let me talk him off a ledge when no one else could get through to him. Then I would ramble for hours about my own problems, and he would just listen until his breathing would even out and I knew he was back to sleep. It didn’t mean we were sleeping together, it just meant we got each other, something that Derek had never been able to understand. Or maybe he just couldn’t help but feel threatened by E, by the thought of our connecting in some way. Either way, Derek just couldn’t seem to deal with it, not even now, after weeks of silence between E and me.

  “No. He’s just a friend.”

  “I see the way he looks at you. That guy’s been eye-fucking you since we joined the tour. I still don’t buy the ‘just friends’ garbage.”

  I sighed as I struggled to not let my frustration get the best of me. I had given up a great friendship for Derek, but he still wouldn’t let it go. I knew his own infidelity in the past caused him to be concerned, but it was wasted emotion. I had never cheated on Derek, even in our darkest moments.