New Heart Church

  Chapter Two

  Of course, that’s not all of what faith is about, as I found out later that day when, back in my room and reviewing CDs, I was interrupted by the phone ringing.

  “Eli Radak.”

  “Oh, hello son, how are you?” It was my mother. “How is Texas treating you?”

  “It’s going great, mom. I’ve made a lot of good friends here. And I decided to become a Christian last night.”

  “What? Eli, you’re not going to become one of those Bible-thumpers, are you? What made you feel like you needed to do this?”

  I wasn’t sure whether to give her the whole explanation or not. Mainly I was worried that she might feel offended, because if I was totally honest, I would have to tell her that I had messed up my whole life chasing things other than relationships and a true identity. I had somehow learned that I was supposed to rely on myself and that it was wrong to accept other peoples’ help. I could see a parent taking that the wrong way.

  “It was just the right thing to do,” I said, stalling for time. “I have more good news. I’m writing CD reviews for a magazine now, too. It doesn’t pay much but it might be a foot in the door.”

  “Right, but why do you feel like you need to bring religion into this?”

  I really couldn’t understand where she was coming from. “I felt like there were some things missing in my life, and I’ve been talking to some Christians here, the good friends I told you about a minute ago, and they’ve really made me feel welcome. What they were saying made sense to me.” I was amazed that, not even twenty-four hours before, I had been arguing with myself, trying to explain why I didn’t want or need what my friends had, but having made the tough decision, here I was explaining to my mom why it really was the necessary thing for me to do. I didn’t know much about God at this point, other than that he loved me, but he sure seemed to love some irony.

  There was a long, uncomfortable silence on my mother’s end, and then I could hear her breathe out heavily. “Alright. Your father wants to talk to you.”

  “Afternoon, son,” my dad’s voice greeted me.

  “Hey, dad. You’re not on afternoons at work anymore?”

  “Nah, they moved your mother and me to third shift for a while. Anyway, what’s this I hear about you turning into some kind of religious nut?”

  “Nobody’s a nut, dad.”

  “Whatever, boy, you know those guys don’t have their heads screwed on straight. You saw them when we went to church on Christmas, the ones who raised their heads in the air and talked about Jesus like they knew him personally. Dude’s been dead for thousands of years. Anybody talk to you about all that?”

  “No, they didn’t.”

  “Did you even ask? I bet you didn’t. I bet you just jumped in without using your head, the way you always do.”

  “I’m getting an article published in a magazine,” I told him, trying to steer the conversation back onto ground more favorable to me.

  “Well, somebody give the kid a cookie. I suppose you’re going to tell me you still don’t have a real job yet.”

  “Working on that one, still. But I thought you’d be happy to know –”

  “Know that I was still waiting for you to do something with your life? To turn into something other than the family embarrassment? Looks like I’m still waiting.”

  I thought the sudden silence was due to dad dropping the phone or something, and it took a minute to register that he had hung up on me. I couldn’t understand the reaction I was getting from both my parents, or why they kept calling me if all they really wanted to do was gripe at me. I was sure there had to be an explanation – Danny had told me that everyone does everything for a reason – but what could it be?

  So there I sat, profoundly disturbed, until three knocks sounded from my door. “It’s open,” I said, still standing at the bar and facing the telephone. I heard the shuffle of footsteps behind me and half-turned, but not in time to keep Abbie from tickling my sides, sending me sprawling to the floor and squirming away from her.

  “That went better than expected,” she said, grinning down at me.

  “Good afternoon to you, too,” I smiled, dusting myself off and springing to my feet again.

  “How are you?”

  “Fine.” I had been looking at my pants, and raised my head to see Abbie staring into my eyes.

  “You’re not fine. We should talk over dinner.”

  “Abbie Grant, are you asking me on a date?” I wasn’t being serious, just giving her a hard time, and trying to buy myself some time to get a hold on my emotions after what had happened on the phone.

  But Abbie took the question at face value. “Would you like me to be asking you on a date?”

  “I would be glad to go to dinner with you whatever the occasion,” I assured her. “Let’s worry about terminology some other time.”

  “Deal,” she said, holding out her hand for me to high-five. When I went to, though, she slipped her hand out of the way. “Ooooh,” she chided, “too slow.”

  “Oh, man. I just had flashbacks to third grade. Lead the way.”

  Abbie winked playfully, then turned to leave. On a whim, I grabbed her sides, and she spasmed to the ground with a squeaking laugh. She looked up at me, trying to pretend like she was offended, but failing to mask the amusement.

  “You’re right. That was pretty fun.” I offered my hand, and when she went to take it, pulled it out of the way. “Now we’re even.”

  Abbie laid back on the floor, hands over her face, laughing at the both of us. Finally I did help her to her feet, and laughing together, we thumped down the stairs toward her car.

  “What do you think of Whataburger?” she asked, starting her car and shifting into drive.

  “I just discovered it a few days ago,” I answered, “and I approve.”

  “That settles it!” She eased the car out of the parking lot and, in the midafternoon sunlight, headed south toward the interstate.

  At first, I was trying to think of something to joke with her or tease her about, but the only thing I could think of was how grateful I was for the talk we’d had the night before. “Hey, thanks for everything you said last night.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I realized she didn’t actually know what had happened after I’d gone back to my room. “What I mean is, I decided to become a Christian.”

  Her head snapped sideways, and she looked at me for so long I was sure she was going to go flying off the road. “Seriously?”

  “I’m serious. What, you’re surprised?”

  “I guess I am, a little, yeah.” She faced the road again, allowing me to relax. “Don’t take it the wrong way. You just acted like you weren’t interested about spiritual things.”

  “Well, I wasn’t at first. I don’t know. It just seemed like something I needed to do.”

  “I think it was.” A broad grin came over her face, lighting up the car better than the evening sun ever could. “I’m happy for you, Eli.”

  “I think I’m happy for me too, but truth be told I don’t really feel that much different. I mean, Danny told me his story, and he made it sound like someone flipped a light switch and everything changed for him. I still feel like Eli Radak.”

  Abbie eased her car into the Whataburger parking lot, and a few minutes later we were heading to a booth with trays of burgers and fries.

  “I hear what you’re saying,” Abbie said. “The stuff about still feeling like you, I mean, and not feeling like anything has changed.” She chewed thoughtfully on a french fry before elaborating. “See, Jesus referred to salvation as being born again. You’ve probably heard people referred to as ‘born-again Christians,’ and that’s where the term comes from.”

  “Makes sense. I never knew what that was all about.”

  “Now you do. But the thing of it is, being born again is both a one-time decisio
n and a lifelong process.” Her green eyes wandered to the window, watching as the sun bid farewell to the orange sky and ducked behind the row of offices and car dealerships to the west. “What I mean, and what Jesus meant, is that you’ve just made the decision to follow God, so in a way you’ve been born again. But in every other way, you really are just Eli Radak. You don’t think or act like Jesus did, so in a way you haven’t been born again. That second part is the lifelong process I’m talking about.”

  “Oh. Well, how do I do all that? Read the Bible and pray and all that?”

  “Those things are part of it, sure. But I think what you really need to do is just live. I think that God will put you in situations that will build your character and teach you how to be more like him.”

  “I don’t really understand what you’re saying,” I admitted, before quickly adding, “but thank you for telling me.”

  She grinned, tossing a fry toward me. “You just enjoy making my life difficult.”

  “I wake up every morning thinking of how I can do it better.”

  We both laughed, drawing some stares from the other people in the restaurant, but neither of us cared.

  “Okay, let me say it plainly,” Abbie told me. “The way you think and act now is broken. That’s why you needed salvation. What God is going to start doing now is giving you chances to live his way instead. He’s going to let things happen to you; some of them will be difficult. And when these things happen to you, you will have a choice – whether to respond to them the way the old you would have, or whether to respond the way God say to. That’s how you get rid of your old instincts, thought patterns, behaviors, and whatever else. You were born and you learned those things as a way of making life hurt less. Now you have to un-learn them. That’s being born again.”

  “I think I know what you’re talking about,” I agreed. “I was playing basketball with the guys last week when something happened that really upset me, and I felt that thing you were just talking about. I felt like I had to choose between the way I wanted to respond and some better way.”

  “Okay, so you know I’m not making this up,” she said. “But like I said, reading the Bible and praying is really only half of the Christian walk. The point is to take what God shows you through the Bible and through prayer, and to actually let your real life be different as a result of knowing God. That’s where you are now.” Her eyes met mine. “I’m kind of jealous of you, actually. You almost get to start your whole life over again.”

  “It does sound really neat when you put it that way.”

  “Can I speak really honestly to you for a second?”

  I fidgeted, not sure I wanted that. “Sure.”

  “Look at me.”

  I stopped playing with my food and looked into Abbie’s eyes.

  “You know what I’m about to tell you, but someone needs to say it out loud, so that you know it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Your biggest problem is the way you view yourself. You’ve really embraced this identity of ‘not good enough,’ and it affects everything about your life. I was there when you told Stanley about that job interview you had. I know you’ve been having money problems. But you don’t respect yourself, so you don’t think anyone else respects you, so you assume that you don’t deserve their attention. I hope that’s one of the first things God changes about you. And I don’t think you want to feel that way either.”

  My mind was wandering, thinking about the conversation I’d had earlier that day with my dad. I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I hadn’t felt like a failure, or when I had believed that I wasn’t a burden on people. Abbie was right; I knew that. But I had no idea what it would look like to live any other way.

  I was pretty quiet on the drive home, still thinking about all the things Abbie had told me. She, perhaps sensing that I was deep in thought, drove in silence, gazing out the windshield where the stars twinkled over the city we shared. We reached the apartment building, and both of us got out of the car, Abbie walking with me toward the door.

  “Thanks for tonight,” I told her.

  She brushed her hair behind her ears. “I’m really happy for you, Eli. And I hope that God has something in mind for the two of us. Maybe a close friendship or maybe something more, I don’t know. But I’m really glad he’s put you in my life, and I can’t wait to see where we go from here.”

  I smiled at her, then pulled her toward me and wrapped my arms around her. I could feel her heartbeat even through the sweatshirts we both wore, the gentle breeze of her breath on my neck. She pulled away and winked at me, then bounded down the steps and into her car. Smiling, I turned and let myself into the building.

  As I climbed the stairs to my room, I still couldn’t help but think about our conversation at Whataburger. Abbie was right. I wanted to feel wanted, needed, good enough. I knew I had felt that way my whole life, and I wanted to stop. I wanted God to fix that inside of me. I was willing to let him have control and change me.

  It occurred to me that it would probably be a good idea to tell God this, so I pushed the door shut and laid on my bed, blinking up at the ceiling tiles. I didn’t know if I was supposed to kneel to pray or if I could do it laying down, and I still didn’t really have any idea how to pray at all, so I just told God what was on my mind. And I knew, somehow, that he heard me and that he was going to do all the things Abbie had told me about.

  But what would that look like?