His Selfish Love

  “Do you know what’s going on?”

  I’m not sure who asks me first, Slade or JJ.

  Why couldn’t Simon stay buried?

  “I need to help my mom,” I whisper.

  “I’m on it, but you have to tell me what the fuck that was if you know. Was he one of your mom’s old boyfriends?”

  My lips are so dry, they are cracking every time I try to speak.

  I nod instead, and I can feel the sweat starting to form on my forehead. It’s hot in here, too hot.

  “Babe? Do you know what happened?”

  Everyone is staring.

  I can’t do this.

  “She said not to tell anyone, to forget it ever happened.”

  “She’s my fucking sister, Harper, so help me god, start talking so I can fucking help her.”

  I’ve never heard Slade shout before, even when he found out Leo was banging his precious daughter. I hold my head high and say, “She didn’t kill him.”

  “Are you sure? Because if she didn’t then someone else did and they could be trying to set her up.”

  “They’re not.”

  My voice catches in my throat and my chest shudders under the weight of trapped air.

  “You can’t know that, babe. The cops don’t just haul you off if there isn’t any evidence,” JJ says.

  “You know something, tell us and we can help her.” This comes from Cas as he moves closer.

  Everyone keeps saying that, but how do I know it’s true. We were only accepted here because Slade is our relative. We don’t wear their patch or live their lives. Why would they go out of their way to help?

  “What evidence would they have against your mom to make an arrest stick?” Sparky demands.

  “Hey, back off.”

  The voices blur into one and I dig deep for the strength everyone keeps telling me I have.

  “I don’t know what evidence they have, but I know she didn’t kill him.”

  “Then who did?” Cas asks.

  The bar goes dead silent as they wait on me.

  “I did.”

  There, I said it.

  A collection of gasps and sighs dance around the walls and for a brief moment in time, no one has anything to say.

  “Your old lady is quite the secret hoarder, son,” Sparky speaks first.

  A firm grip on my upper arm has me moving across the bar and it takes a few seconds to realise it’s not JJ, it’s Cas.

  I’m taken into the back room. Sparky follows us in and then Slade and Zach, and just before the doors close, JJ slips in.

  He takes the seat next to me, but I don’t feel him close to me. He might as well be sitting on the other side of the room right now.

  “Once again, Harper, I’m asking you to tell me the exact truth. If you want us to help your mom, start talking.”

  I’m shocked Cas hasn’t asked me to leave, I’m one big headache for him and it’s not like we can look at one another at the moment. I don’t feel any connection to him, not anything.

  “Lily was seeing this guy, Simon Webster. He wasn’t all bad, for a while he even took care of Lily, but like all the other guys he turned out to be a Grade A asshole. He and mom argued all the time, I mean every night, every day, every time they were in the same room as each other. And then they would go out drinking. This one night, they came home late and at first, they were laughing about something, I was in my room after working a double shift at the café. I was so tired, they were pissing me off with the noise they were making and then I heard her crash into something and cry out.

  “He was hurting her and there was this build up in my head that I couldn’t push past and when I got up and went out to them, he was sitting on her, punching her and she was like a limp doll beneath him.”

  My chest heaves and I wish I had a shot of something hard, or maybe two or three shots.

  “Carry on,” Cas urges.

  “So, anyway, I jumped on his back and repeatedly punched him in the head. It didn’t really do much, but it distracted him from my mom. He focused on me and eventually threw me off, and then he started to kick me.”

  I remember it hurting so bad, just like Ellis, but unlike with that twofaced prick, I didn’t expect it from Simon.

  I was more in shock than anything.

  “He stopped and walked back over to Lily, he was shouting in her face and hitting her again, and I saw the knife and I used it. I stabbed him in the back…I don’t know how many times, but it was a lot. His blood was everywhere. It was so slippery, and the smell made me gag.”

  “It’s okay, we get it,” Cas says softly.

  I haven’t finished, and it feels so good to get it off my chest.

  “I got him in the neck and that’s when the blood spurted out of him and went everywhere. It was like a movie and I just kept stabbing him and stabbing him. I made sure he wasn’t getting back up and hurting us…”

  “Harper!”

  Blinking, the room full of pale faces comes back into focus and I quickly shut my eyes.

  “We get it.”

  “What about the body? What happened to it?” Cas asks.

  “Mom told me to shower and I must’ve lost track of time because by the time I got out, she had rolled him into one of our rugs and had cleaned most of his blood up. She had already packed our bags and we drove him out to the desert just outside of town. We dug for ages before we heaved him into the ground and then it took us longer than I thought to put the dirt back in.”

  They all look at one another and I’m not sure if they think I’m lying or actually telling the truth.

  “They must have found his blood at the house or something?” Sparky murmurs, trying to find an explanation.

  “No they wouldn’t have, we set a fire before we left and then parked at the end of the street until it was up in flames.”

  “Fuck me, quite the Thelma and Louise you’ve got, Slade,” Sparky sighs.

  My uncle doesn’t say anything in defence. He hangs his head in his hands and doesn’t look up at me.

  JJ stares at me like he doesn’t know me anymore and Sparky is wearing a mixture of annoyance and admiration.

  I focus on Cas and his thumb taps the table as he thinks.

  “Is there anything else we need to know, think carefully, this is the last time you catch us off our feet, girl.”

  “I promise, there isn’t anything.”

  The room falls into silence and I take advantage and look to JJ. I reach out for his hand, and for a beat, he doesn’t reach out in return. The moment is only a fraction of time and when he does hold my hand, I don’t feel the safety he normally brings. He’s tense.

  “Why didn’t your mom tell me when you both got here?” Slade asks.

  “She told me to act like it never happened.”

  “No wonder you lost your shit locking down a secret like that.”

  “Dad!”

  My heart leaps at JJ’s first defence and then it stills when he doesn’t say anything else. He barely looks at me.

  “What happens now?” I ask Cas, as no one else seems to want to look or speak to me.

  “It’s late, keep your head down and I’ll help your mom.”

  This comes from Slade and I muster up a smile for him.

  “JJ, take Harper to her room and make sure she has what she needs,” he orders then looks at me. “We’ll be talking soon, Harper.”

  I’ll be putting that off for as long as I can. Only JJ has what I want to hear, and what I need but I doubt he’s up for giving it to me now. Christ, I don’t think I could fuck with mom in cuffs anyway.

  The walk from the back room up to my bedroom is a blur, but JJ slamming the door shut behind us sharpens the room into focus for me.

  “Were you ever going to tell me the real reason you came to town?” he blurts out trying to keep his cool.

  “Why are you so angry with me? It’s not like we knew each other back then, and we only went official today…”

  “Don’t take me
for a fuckin’ fool, Harper. You’ve been here for months, all those times we were together, and you said nothing.”

  His voice is getting louder but so is mine.

  “All those times we were together?” I shriek, sarcastically. “Those times we barely spoke, we fucked, JJ, and then you left faster than a rocket. Don’t try and change the past like we used to have deep and meaningful conversations after you fucked the shit out of me.”

  “It’s always going to come back to that, isn’t it?”

  “No, I’m just trying to get you to understand we weren’t in a position to talk about deep shit.”

  I’m scared to move, if I go to him he might back away, and if I move away from the door, he might leave.

  “I can’t do this right now,” he moans like the words burn his throat on the way out.

  He doesn’t shove me, but he deftly moves me out of the way so he can get to the door, he may as well throw me out the window.

  “Please, JJ. Don’t go.”

  He doesn’t even bother to look back as he opens the door.

  The back of my legs hit the edge of the bed and I fall back onto my ass. I refuse to cry, I refuse to shed one tear over something he wouldn’t have had a right to know with the way he treated me. Our relationship is only a few hours old, it was never going to be the first thing I told him as a couple.

  My hands shake uncontrollably and I reach for my medication. The bottle of water is empty and I use it as an excuse to go down and find JJ.

  Only, he’s nowhere in sight and most of the bar has cleared out. Great.

  Opening each cupboard, there isn’t one clean glass to use. Throwing my pills on the table, I run the hot water and squirt the dish soap into the sink. The scorching water numbs my hands as I wash my way through the dishes and glasses. Once that’s done, I wipe down every surface in the kitchen, then I scrub the table, and chairs, and the fridge. I’m busy pulling out the trays in the oven when India walks in. I do not have the patience for her tonight.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Can you stop asking me that,” I snap. “It’s all you ever ask me these days.”

  “Harper, you admitted you killed a man. I’m allowed to ask you if you’re doing okay, I’m not judging you.”

  I place the trays on the sink full of steaming hot soapy water and continue cleaning the oven. It’s absolutely disgusting. I doubt it’s ever been cleaned.

  “I’m fine. I just need a glass of water.”

  “Huh?”

  “I needed a clean glass, there weren’t any and now there is.”

  “You’re not making any sense.”

  “Yes I am.”

  I make sense to myself and that’s all that counts.

  Spraying the bleach over every surface, I begin scrubbing, and with every drag of the sponge, the fight with JJ floats away.

  “It’s not your job to clean.”

  “I don’t see anyone else cleaning this up, it’s filthy, your baby could catch something.”

  “Have you been taking you medication?”

  Jumping up to my feet, I spin around to face her and blow the hair out of my face.

  “That’s why I’m cleaning, I need a clean glass to pour some water so I can swallow my god damn pills.”

  Why can’t people just leave me alone?

  Holding her hands up, she backs out the kitchen and into Leo’s chest.

  “Don’t you start.”

  “Wasn’t gonna say anything, but you need to stop talking like shit to India when she’s only trying to be nice.”

  Of course he’s here to back up his sweet little India.

  “Sure thing, little brother,” I throw at him and he backs down.

  Dropping to my knees, I ignore India staring, I ignore Leo scowling, I ignore the fact my mom is at the police station for a crime she didn’t commit.

  What I can’t ignore is JJ walking out on me, not when I only just had him. I was this close to having it all, and poof, it’s gone. It’s the story of my life.

  The grease is never ending but so is my energy. I scrub until my hands are red raw and the oven is as clean as it’s going to get. The sponges and dish cloths are no good and I dump them in the trash before pouring fresh hot, soapy water in the bucket I’ve been using, adding a cap of bleach, then another for good measure. I empty every single cupboard of it’s plates and bowls and things that shouldn’t be in a kitchen and spray everywhere with bleach. Wringing out another cloth, I wipe every surface until three coats of dirt and grease are removed and the place smells as clean as the inside of the bleach bottle itself.

  “Slade is at the police station, he just called to say your mom should be home soon.”

  It’s Kristen this time and she doesn’t sound too happy with me. I don’t care. She’s always thought she was better than us. Lily used to do these impressions of her behind her back, but since we’ve lived here, she’s given her a chance.

  “She will?”

  “Yes, so jump down from there and go get some sleep. Your mom will need you refreshed, not tired and stinking of cleaning chemicals.”

  “Okay.”

  She smiles because she has to and then walks off. There’s no way I’m falling asleep tonight, not unless I raid Zach’s weed stash and get so high I don’t float back down.

  The hours pass and I’m the only one around as I put everything back in the cupboards and wipe over the counter tops again.

  After a quick sweep, I mop the floor until I’m backing up to the door and I smile at the place. This place isn’t getting any cleaner than this, happy with my progress, I remember my pills are on the side still and I’ll have to ruin the clean floor to get them. Looking around for something to step on, I catch sight of the tray of tequila bottles that haven’t been put away yet and I find myself moving towards them and not towards my medication.

  My fingers curl around the neck of the bottle and I lean over for a shot glass. I haven’t had a drink in so long, tonight I just need a little something to get me through.

  There’s nothing quite like tequila to fuck shit up and make you forget. Fuck the pills. I unscrew the cap and fill the glass so it’s overflowing.

  I neck the shot in one go and pour another. I shudder away the gag in my throat from the liquor.

  Before the glass reaches my lips, the bar door opens, and I hope it’s JJ. It’s not. The twins walk in, covered in dirt and looking bone tired.

  “What’s this, a one-woman party?” Mason or Myles asks. I’m not sure which is which when it comes to these two. I don’t think they want anyone to know themselves.

  “I’m having a drink.”

  “You can’t drink without music,” whichever one of them says, heading behind the bar.

  “There’s dancing involved with music and I’m pretty sure you won’t dance with me.”

  “Who’s to say we won’t dance with you, darlin’.”

  Again, I don’t know which one speaks.

  “Ah, I think it’s cause she’s JJ girl now. She thinks we give a shit about that.”

  “To be fair, we kinda do,” the other one chuckles.

  “Yeah,” the other one sighs, grabbing another two glasses.

  “Still, it’d be wrong of us to leave you to drink on your own.”

  I give up trying to guess which one is speaking and pour them a drink each. One turns the music back on and it seems silly with only the three of us down here.

  “Is your mom back yet?”

  “Nope.”

  I down my shot and pour another.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Nope.”

  They look at each other.

  “Do you really care though.”

  “Nope,” they both say together, and I burst out laughing.

  “Good, turn that music up and we’ll have a three-person party.”

  “Whatever you want, beautiful.”

  Sliding off the stool, I hold onto the bottle and discard the glass. Such a waste, now I’ll have to w
ash it up.

  The mania coursing through my soul is chasing the beat of the music and I let it swallow me. It feels good to let loose, and let my body follow the music. I steered clear of this for fear of triggering something bad, but all along it would’ve made me feel better.

  “You’ve got some ass on you, Harper. JJ’s a lucky brother.”

  Swigging from the bottle, I ignore their comment and continue dancing. It doesn’t take long for the drink to take hold of me and the never forgotten feeling of the room spinning around you catches me, and I close my eyes to block it all out.

  I’m so caught up in the beat that it takes a beat to notice the bar is silent, and when I open my eyes, the twins are gone, and JJ is leaning against the bar. His arms are crossed over his chest and his bandana is pulled down around his neck. I don’t know what it is, but it does things to me when he wears it.

  “Is this how it’s gonna be, I leave, and you lose your mind?”

  I don’t say a word. He can do all the talking, he’s the one who didn’t want to stay when I wanted to speak earlier.

  He can’t stand the silences and walks over to me, holding my cheeks in his heated hands when he reaches me.

  “Should you be drinking?” he asks.

  “No,” I admit quietly.

  “Then I’ll get you some water.”

  His hands fall from my face, taking the bottle from my hand as he walks off. He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and I sit down on the edge of the pool table.

  “Do you have any more secrets, babe?” he asks, as he stands between my legs and hands over the cold drink.

  Shaking my head, I murmur, “No.”

  “I can’t be with you if there is anything I need to know, and you keep it from me again.”

  “There’s nothing, I swear.”

  He accepts my word and takes the bottle of water from me. He takes hold of my hand and I jump down from the table.

  We head upstairs, and I smile when we stop outside his door. I feel so much closer to him when we’re around his private things. We set about getting ready for bed and nerves begin to attack me when I climb in his bed. It’s not like I haven’t been here before. It’s so quiet between us as we lay down and get comfortable.