His Selfish Love

  Something about Cas isn’t right, but he’s the president and what he says, goes.

  “Get some fuckin’ sleep and watch your noise inside, my granddaughter is in there.”

  Again, with the fucking baby, she’s turning everyone, apart from Zach, into pussies. We’ve just been attacked, and all Cas is thinking about it is a kid. We should be chasing the Crow’s down and ending all their lives, instead, we’re creeping around a cabin in case someone makes the baby cry.

  Harper

  If I keep my eyes closed, and I pretend it’s leather and cigarettes I can smell and not some cheap ass cologne and stale beer, I can almost believe it’s JJ I’m riding and not the guy I met in the bar tonight and whose name I can’t remember. Perhaps, I didn’t ask for it or he didn’t give it. Exchanging names wasn’t my top priority, not that I have any top priorities. I have distractions. Hence, this nameless guy. He is my distraction tonight and he’s not working for me, they never do.

  I need to feel good after this. I can’t spend another night or another day feeling the way I do.

  I keep my eyes closed and bring JJ to the front of my mind. A memory of ours, one of the only good ones we have, is one memory I use to get myself off when these distractions I seek fail to work.

  JJ is behind me, I can’t see him, but I can feel his presence getting closer and closer. My skirt is lifted over my hips and my thong is yanked to the side. The fabric tears across my skin and I hiss in pleasure.

  “Did you miss me, Harper?” he growls, leaning over my back and nips my ear lobe between his teeth.

  I always miss him when I’m not with him, not that I’m going to tell him that.

  “Oh god, yeah…fuckkkkkk.”

  Huh? That’s not JJ’s voice, or a part of my memory.

  My eyes fly open and the strange guy’s head is thrown back as he rides out his short-lived climax. He lifts me off him and discards me to his side like I weigh nothing to him.

  The sound of his zipper being dragged up grates on my ears, it’s the sound I associate with JJ leaving me after I let him come to me and use me.

  “I’m not done.”

  I’m never done.

  No one ever stays long enough to finish me off. It’s always about them and their own personal, selfish fucking gain.

  “I am,” he grunts opening the car door. He swings his legs over and heaves himself out.

  His arm snakes out and something flies into the nearby bush. Please tell me that wasn’t the condom. Urgh. I need to pick my distractions better than this. I don’t know who I’m more disgusted with, him or myself?

  “Come on, get the fuck out. I’ve gotta get home.”

  “Seriously?”

  Good looks don’t make him a good guy. I have to remember this when I’ve had a lot to drink. This guy looks nothing like JJ and he’s the one I really want. My beautiful biker who wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

  “Yeah, seriously. Come on, my brother-in-law drinks here, I don’t want him seeing you.”

  “You’re married?”

  The disgust on his face is for me, because I’m not going as fast as he would like, not for himself because he has cheated on his wife.

  I fucking hate men.

  Sliding out of the back seat, I grab my heels from the footrest and shove them against the guy whose name I really should remember until he is backing away from me.

  “Don’t do that,” he warns.

  Oh, okay, I’ll stop because you asked so nicely. Not.

  I shove him even harder and he wobbles on his feet. This pleases me, and I shove at him again, and again and again.

  A cackle escapes me, and I can’t stop. If you’re not crying over them, you’re laughing and tonight this guy is hilarious.

  I misjudge my last attack on him and his arms reach out to shove me and I fall on my ass, knocking my cheekbone on his side mirror as I go down.

  It doesn’t hurt, all my falls and scrapes never do after I’ve been drinking but I’ll feel them in the morning that’s for sure.

  He can’t make me feel any worse when he scowls down at me and then he’s climbing in behind the wheel and starting the engine. It roars to life and I hear the stick being yanked into gear.

  I should’ve known better than to expect him to help me up onto my feet. Instead of picking myself up, I lay back on the gravel and look up at the stars.

  They were the first things I noticed the first night we spent here in town. So many stars, sparkling and twinkling in the black sky. If wishing on stars and them coming true was possible, I’d wish to be up there with them. I don’t sparkle down here on earth, but I would up there in the vast sky. I’d be so tiny to the human eye down here, but up there, I’d fit right in.

  This town is so quiet, it’s haunting, especially when it makes my thoughts hell of a lot louder. There’s no drowning out anything relatively emotional here, you have to bury it so deep you forget.

  “Harper? Is that you, sweetheart?”

  I roll my head to the side and Josie is throwing a bag of trash in the dumpster. It takes her twenty-nine steps before she’s hovering over me. She has a reputation for being a bitch, but she’s been nothing but kind to me since I came to town nearly a year ago.

  “What are you doing down there?”

  Her hands land on her hips and I refuse to look at the pity in her eyes.

  “This is where I belong, Josie.”

  Down here on the ground, in the dirt.

  “I’m going to stop serving you if you keep talking like this. What’s wrong with you? You were happy half hour ago.”

  And now I feel less than happy, I feel like crying and I don’t know why.

  She leans down and extends her hand. If I don’t take it, she’ll haul me up regardless. I’m bad for business.

  “Go home, Harp, and shower Randell off you,” she says, disapprovingly. “What he’s playing at, I don’t know. Cindy is gonna have his balls if she finds out.”

  Guilt.

  Tonight is the first time that particular emotion has invaded me and I don’t like it. I’m jolted from my thoughts as my body flies through the air.

  “There you go,” Josie remarks, hauling me up to my feet. “Now, put one foot in front of the other and walk inside, I’ll call you a cab.”

  “No, I’ll walk, thanks.”

  Bing will be the only driver out tonight and I don’t have the energy to make small talk with him. I don’t have the energy to speak with anyone.

  Her mouth opens but closes before any sound leaves her. I turn my back on her and walk across the parking lot. I step out onto the road and quickly step back. One, two, three, four, I count sixteen bikes as they pass me in a blur and I don’t recognise any of them. Their leather isn’t like my uncle’s club. Once the last bike has passed, the road clears and I step out and keep a hold of my heels.

  My feet will hurt in the morning, but if I lay in bed all day tomorrow, it won’t matter how many scrapes and bruises I get.

  Aunt Kristen called the other day and said I didn’t need to come into the store this week so I have nothing to do, as usual.

  It’s approximately a twenty-six minute walk home from the bar and every minute outside is a minute I can breathe under the stars before the strangling vines circle my neck and grip around my throat as I lay in the darkness in my room. Life is suffocating and I’m yet to find a path that eases up on me. I’m not asking for the life a king, but it would be nice to just be happy.

  The lights are still on in the house and I roll my eyes at the thought of my mom still being awake. I can’t deal with her bullshit dramas tonight. I hear a man’s voice as I unlock the front door and anger simmers through my body as a guy sits at our kitchen table like he lives here. She never fucking changes. Why do I bother staying when she doesn’t even try? Every day is harder than the last when it comes to not losing my mind over her. She’s a god damn grown ass woman, how can she be this dependent on her kid at her age?

  “Wow, do I get th
e daughter too?” the guy says, Frank or John, I never keep up with their names.

  “Fuck off,” I mutter, walking over to my mom as she hovers beside the fridge. I wrap my arms around her and rest my head on her shoulder. I take her by surprise and her hands come up to hold my arm. She smiles up at me and I don’t feel bad for what I’m about to say to her. Nothing will ever change with her, not with JJ, not with anyone. I’m done with them all.

  “You were a shitty mom, but I’ve always loved you. You promised to change, and you lied.”

  The smile falls from her face and confusion sets in. A classic Lily facial impression. Always acting like life is all about her and anything to do with me is a foreign concept to understand.

  “What?”

  I’m not repeating myself.

  “Goodbye, mom.”

  I let go of her and grab the kitchen knife from the block. I walk through the house my uncle rented for us and it still doesn’t feel like home, no place ever has, and now I know why. I’m not meant to be here. I lock myself in the bathroom and immediately, fists are pounding on the door.

  “Harper, open this door, right now,” Mom hollers and I ignore her.

  The tub is the cleanest it has ever been and the bottles around the edge are all coconut scented, it’s my mom’s favourite. She says she doesn’t feel clean without smelling like a coconut.

  “Harper, I swear to god, I will kick this door in.”

  A tear falls down my cheek and I shove the plug in and run the water. It goes quiet out in the hall and then her voice is frantic and upset.

  “Please, Harper,” she begs. “Don’t do this again. I’ve called Slade, he’s on his way.”

  Then I best get this done. Stepping towards the door, I rest my forehead against the wood and sob.

  “I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to kill myself tonight, momma. You’ll be free of me, you can finally do what you want.”

  It’s the truth, no one would care if I weren’t here. Once the shock of my death has worn off and I’ve been buried and I’m resting in peace, everyone will move on and will relax because they won’t have to deal with me.

  “I love you, Harper. Open the door and talk to me.”

  Placing my hand in front of me, I pretend I’m holding her face, and then I step back.

  The blade is cold as it taps against my thigh. The tub is only half full, but I slip into the water still wearing my dress. The sting on the soles of my feet barely register.

  Heavy banging bounces around the bathroom and ripples dance across the bath water. Seconds tick by slowly and as each one sweeps by, my body relaxes. This is the only time I have felt content, where nothing can get to me.

  Death is the only conclusion for me. I’ll be free.

  I don’t hear mom screaming through the door.

  I don’t hear the front door slamming closed.

  I don’t hear anything over the excitement of impending relaxation for all eternity.

  Bringing my left arm up, I slice the knife across the pale skin and quickly repeat the motion on my right arm. I drop the knife over the edge of the tub and it clatters on the floor. My arms fall into the water and the redness floats around me, sticking to my skin and my clothes.

  No more pain.

  No more fuzz in my head that won’t ever give me peace.

  No more anything.

  Just, no more.

  JJ

  Am I ever going to get to fucking sleep tonight? It doesn’t matter the club was attacked a few hours ago, everyone has their head down and is catching up on their sleep. Even if I could sleep, the twins would make it difficult, they even talk in unison when they’re asleep. How do I know this? Because as I try to sleep on Leo’s couch, the twins are sprawled out on the floor on makeshift beds. How do they do that? It’s fucking freaky.

  Then there’s the baby. Little Rayna Jackson. The now apple of Leo’s eye, who hasn’t stopped crying in the last thirteen minutes. How do I know this? Oh yeah, because said best friend, Leo fucking Jackson, took out Roman Edwards, the president of the Black Crows motorcycle club and now we’re at war and having to stay at the cabin.

  Throwing the sheets off me, I slope off the couch and plod into the kitchen where I hear someone moving around.

  A soft glow comes from the under-counter lights and Leo is cradling his baby girl in his arms, and by the looks of it, he’s waiting for her bottle to warm up, or cool down, I’m not sure.

  “How can something so tiny be so fuckin’ loud?”

  “Hey,” he snaps. “Watch your mouth around her.”

  Rolling my eyes, is he fucking serious? She can’t understand my cussing, she’s barely a week old.

  “Like she can hear me through all that crying,” I snort. “How she hasn’t woken anyone else up, I don’t know.”

  “You’ve all imposed yourselves on me, so put up or get your ass off my couch.”

  “Please, your dad ordered us here because of you, or have you forgotten what you did?”

  He ignores me and cradles Rayna in one arm while he shakes the bottle and tests the milk on his wrist. Whatever that’s for, he is satisfied with it and as soon as he slides the bottle in her tiny but loud mouth, silence fills my ears like little gifts of priceless gems.

  Man, I need to be back at the club. Leo and I always talked about renting somewhere in town when we were younger but we both knew the club would be it for us. While India was away, we spent many nights here at the cabin partying and having a laugh. Now though, he has his girl back and has a shit load of responsibilities. He’s a family man now.

  “How often do you need to do that?” I ask, pointing to the bottle.

  “You mean feed her?” He tries not to smile.

  I nod and try not to take it personally. Like I know anything about keeping a baby alive.

  “Often, you should know, you need feeding a lot too.”

  I grab a beer from the fridge and sit at the table, pulling the chair out as quietly as I can as not to disturb the baby. No one wants her opening her lungs up again.

  “It still doesn’t feel real, you having a kid,” I say, swigging my beer. I must admit, I’m still not used to it.

  “Tell me about it, she’s only been here for a few days and yet it feels like she’s always been in my life. She’s changed everything for me.”

  He adoringly looks over her as she guzzles on the milk and I frown. Everything is changing around here, and I don’t like it one bit.

  I turn around as someone comes down the stairs and it’s not only Slade who walks into the kitchen, it’s India too. Leo stands when he sees her putting her jacket on. I raise my eyebrows and stay quiet. My opinion doesn’t count for shit in their relationship, but I still wouldn’t want my girl leaving given what’s happened.

  “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

  “Aunt Lily is freaking out because Harper came home with a black eye. She’s now threatening to kill herself, Lily wants dad and I to help deal with her.”

  “Why you?”

  She raises one eyebrow at him, and he looks down at her. She doesn’t back down under his scowl and I start to see how they work together. Leo kept his relationship away from everyone last summer so it’s weird to see them together now.

  “I’ve already arranged for three prospects and Dex to ride with us,” Slade tells Leo and they stare off until India stands between them. We’re at war and he wants to ride off in the night? Yet, he knows what he’s doing so again, I keep my mouth shut.

  “Will you be okay with her while I’m gone?” she asks, pressing her lips to the baby’s head.

  “She’s my kid too, we’ll be fine,” he tells her then looks over to Slade.

  “Nothing better happen to her,” he warns and Slade grunts as he heads for the door, not giving Leo an answer. India leans up and quickly kisses him on the cheek. None of it makes me jealous. Leo watches her until she rushes out the door, it’s not in a sleazy way, it’s in a loving way and I know for a fact I
have never looked at a girl like that before.

  “Are you not worried?” he asks me when we’re alone again.

  “No, why would I be?”

  He starts patting the baby’s back and I push on. “Seriously, why would I care?”

  “The girl you’re banging has a black eye, and she’s threatening to top herself.”

  If only he knew how it really is. I finish my beer and get up, getting another one from the fridge.

  “She’s threatened this four times that I know of, this makes it five. She’s just doing it for attention. Someone must’ve pissed her off last night, trust me, she ain’t doing shit.”

  “What about the black eye? What do you think happened there?” he pushes on.

  “She probably fell, drunk off her ass, and hit her head on the bar,” I shrug.

  She spends a lot of her time at Josie’s bar, more time than anyone I know. Too much time for my liking.

  “Seriously, Leo, she’s batshit crazy.”

  You know a girl is crazy when I stop seeing them because of it. Leo stands with Rayna and rocks her in his arms while he shakes his head at me. It’s okay, I don’t care.

  “I’m not getting any sleep till my girl gets home, do you want to play the game?”

  Leo isn’t fazed by the fight, come to think about it, he seems more worried about Harper than the impending war with the Black Crows.

  “Sure.”

  Anything as long as he shuts up about Harper.

  Leo settles Rayna in a pink plastic and cushioned contraption and flicks a switch, and it starts swaying side to side.

  “She seems to love this thing,” he mumbles. “A bottle and a swing, and she’ll sleep for hours.”

  I don’t say anything, I let him have his moment with the kid and I switch the PlayStation on. A good shoot-em up game is what’s needed. Cas warned us before disappearing that we’ll be working out our retaliation in the morning and to get as much sleep as possible as we’re going to need it.