His Selfish Love

  In the living room, Lily is sat with my mom eating the sandwich she made for her. Her eyes are red and puffy, and it bugs the shit out of me. I’m not a fan of Lily McCarthy no matter what shit her daughter and I have been through. I look around for Slade but I can’t see him anywhere, I’m guessing he’s with Kristen somewhere.

  Cas, my dad, and Pope are huddled around the dining table and I join them. There’s nowhere else to fucking sit while I wait to leave.

  Cas is talking Pope down from wanting to go off guns blazing, which is hilarious, he’s fucking ancient.

  The longer I sit here listening to this crap, my eyes grow heavier. They grow so heavy, I fall asleep. It feels like it’s been ten hours when something heavy falls on my lap and my eyes shoot open. A bright pink bag sits there, and I push it off my lap.

  “Time to wake up, Sweetface.”

  I love Leo but like fuck do I want his face to be the first one I see when I wake up.

  “Help me carry this shit out to India’s car, my girl has so much she can’t live without, so I’m told. She’s like a week old and she doesn’t travel light.”

  I don’t even care. I stand and help him take the baby crap out and India is bent over sorting the kid out in the baby seat. The extra baby pounds look good on her.

  “Avert your fucking eyes, brother, or I’ll fuck you up,” Leo warns and barges into my shoulder.

  “Please, I can admire the view. I like the look of mountains, but I wouldn’t fucking climb on one.”

  “Are you saying she’s the size of a mountain?”

  “Fuck sakes.” I roll my eyes. “Fuck off, Leo. Your chick is all good but she’s not. Is that good enough for you?”

  Barking out a laugh, he opens the trunk and waits for me to throw in the haul I brought out for him.

  “Have you heard anything on Harper?” I ask.

  It’s been a few hours since I fell asleep, Lily or Slade should have heard something.

  “She’s going to Blue Waters tonight, she’ll be gone for the next thirty days. That’s all I know.”

  A month?

  All I wanted was for her to leave me alone, two days ago I would’ve loved the thought of her being gone for a month. Now? It’s not feeling good.

  Fuck this, I need to be at the club sitting my ass at the bar and partaking in a fuck lot of drinking.

  I leave Leo to sort his girls out and wonder over to his truck. My bike is back at the club along with Zach’s bike, and Leo’s bike is still in pieces thanks to Zach smashing it to shit.

  Zach is quick to jump in beside me and we hide out in silence till everyone is ready to go. Cas and my dad ride up front five minutes later and Leo jumps in behind the wheel and pulls up behind India’s car. He stays close to her all the way to the club and I’m dreading being on lockdown with a baby that likes to scream the place down.

  “Huh, the place doesn’t look that bad,” Zach grunts, looking over the damage from the petrol bombs last night as we drive in.

  The Crows can’t even cause trouble with great effect. If they think they can take us on, bring it, because we’re more than ready for them.

  Harper

  * * *

  30 days later

  The gardens are my favourite place to be here at Blue Waters. Being outdoors has been good for my mind. I like how the soft breeze takes all my confusion and marred thoughts and takes them away in the wind. I partake in my deep breathing exercises and I instantly feel better. I never knew how being outdoors and concentrating on nothing but nature could be so good for you. Before coming here, I thought freedom and peace was in the bottom of a bottle and in between the sheets with a good-looking guy. I was so wrong. It makes me feel dirty remembering what I used to be like.

  “Harper, may I join you?”

  I open my eyes, but I already know it’s Dr Willis by the sound of her voice. I know what she’s here to say and my blood rushes around my veins. So much for living in peace.

  “Your mom is waiting for you outside. Are you ready?” Dr Willis is around my mom’s age and is as kind as the nurse back at the hospital who told me about this place. I’m going to miss her, especially the sense of security she gives me.

  “Do you think I’m ready? Will I be okay to leave? I don’t think I should go yet, maybe in a week or two.”

  Laughing softly, she holds my hand and gives it a small squeeze. The gesture does nothing to soothe me.

  “I wouldn’t have signed your release papers if I didn’t believe you weren’t going to be just fine. You have your schedule for your meds, and you have your family as your support network. You have a lot more than most people, Harper. Stick to your meds and you’re going to be fine.” She sounds so sure, it almost makes me feel I can do this.

  “If you’re sure.”

  “I am.”

  Ellis appears at the end of the bench and I smile up at him. Ellis is the type of guy I would have avoided before I came here, he’s a nice guy, good-looking in the all-American way and his smile is enough to make you fall in love. Over the last couple of weeks, he has been sneaking me in books that aren’t in the library. He’s become my friend. A guy that’s a friend, it feels weird, but I like it. It’s become special to me and I hope it continues after I leave here.

  “If you feel like you need to come back, never hesitate, I’m always here.”

  “Thank you, Dr Willis.”

  “Good luck, Harper. Ellis, here, will help you take your bags to the car.”

  Anxiety plagues me as I stand, and it builds as he walks beside me to the main doors. My hands clam up and I twist my fingers together as Ellis swipes his badge over the automatic lock.

  He wheels a cart out, carrying my bags, and heads towards my mom where she stands waiting for me.

  As well as getting my meds in check, I’ve been talking with Sandra, the local therapist here, and I have a lot of issues where my birth giver is concerned. All the times she moved us around and I lost the few friends I had made at school. All the men she had around us, or the days when we had no money because of a man wasn’t around to support us. The list goes on.

  It isn’t until I follow Ellis to the back of the car that I notice Zach and JJ sitting on their bikes. Why are they here? When mom said she would be here to pick me up, she didn’t mention my cousin or the man whore I used to crave.

  Keeping my eyes on Ellis, I focus on his arms in his tight t-shirt as he transfers my bags to the trunk of mom’s car.

  “I’m going to miss you around here,” he murmurs quietly.

  “You know where I am, you’ll have to come by and visit.” I smile at the thought.

  “I sure will,” he beams and slams the trunk shut.

  He looks over to Zach and JJ and then back to me. “Friends of your uncle?” he asks.

  I can partially understand why Zach is here, he’s my cousin, but JJ? The last time I spoke with him, he told me to leave him alone and I was used goods. I can’t see what his eyes are saying, they are shielded by his sunglasses and I frown.

  “I’m her cousin, and my dad paid for her to stay here, unless you want me telling him you’ve taken advantage of his only niece, then by all means, show your face in Willows Peak.”

  Glaring at my cousin, I can’t believe he cares that much to meddle in my business. He achieves what he sets out to do, Ellis gives me one last smile and disappears inside faster than most people leave here, and I’m left with tweedle dee and tweedle dumb.

  “What did you do that for?”

  Zach doesn’t answer me, it’s JJ who opens his mouth.

  “Get in the car, Harper. It’s time for you to come home.”

  “Why are you here?” I’m getting angry with him. How dare he show up here and start ordering me around.

  “Get in the fuckin’ car, we’re burning up daylight and I want to get home.”

  My shoulders fall, and I spin on my heels away from them. My mom flitters out of the way, and I climb in the car.

  I’m not going to sit all
the way home and dissect why he is here, why he’s finally speaking to me, or even why we had to come to Willows Peak in the first place. I’m going to stick to my routine and carry on with my new life.

  The drive home isn’t that long, and I manage to ignore my mom’s attempts of frail conversation until we pull into the club.

  “Why are we here?”

  “Your uncle thinks it’s for the best if we stay here, there’s some trouble with the club.”

  I don’t bother arguing. If my uncle thinks it’s for the best, then it must be. Slade is a good guy and he’s been the only man in my life who hasn’t let me down.

  “Don’t blame Slade, he says it’s to keep us safe and he wants to look after you.”

  “I don’t blame him because we’re here, I blame you. Was it so hard to be happy just raising me? To settle down in one house so you could get a steady job, and I could’ve gone to the same school. You would’ve been able to see that I was sick. Instead, you shipped us around for a guy or because of one. It’s no wonder I turned out like this.”

  “We’re in Willow’s Peak because of you, you seem to have forgotten that,” she hisses nastily.

  “Wow, and you said to forget it ever happened.”

  Her sigh weighs heavily on my shoulders and her shoulders sag low.

  “We are forgetting, look, I’m sorry. I’m just as tired as you are.”

  I can’t hear anymore. I throw open the door and JJ already has my bags in his hands. Pushing on, I ignore them all and walk inside.

  Uncle Slade gets up when he sees me, and I walk over to him, fighting the urge to breathe in JJ’s cologne as he follows close behind me.

  “How are you doing, kid?” Slade asks, collecting me in his arms.

  “Much better.”

  I make sure the thin pink lines on my wrists are covered and pull away from him.

  “Staying here is just a precaution, I had Zach and JJ ride you home to make sure you were safe. We’ve been having some trouble and I didn’t want to take any chances. Come on, I’ll show you to your room.”

  He rattles everything off at great speed and then I’m being led up the stairs. I’ve been up these stairs three times, each time with JJ, and then he sneaked me down the back stairs the next morning. Yeah, they were great times.

  “I chose the room furthest away, so it’ll be a lot quieter, with everyone staying here, it can get loud. Leo and India are in the room next to yours with the baby, but apparently she sleeps through the night now, so she shouldn’t wake you.”

  “It’s okay.”

  He opens the door and it’s like walking into a different dimension. The room is clean and fresh and smells like someone dropped a bottle of vanilla scented perfume.

  “I’ve had the prospects painting and cleaning; the carpet is new, and your mom chose the new shades.”

  The bed looks new too.

  “I wanted you to be comfortable while you’re still recovering.”

  “Thanks, Uncle Slade, and thank you for all the new clothes too.”

  “It’s not a problem, tell me if you need anything else, and I’ll be sure to get it for you.”

  “You’ve already done so much.”

  “You might hate me in a day or two when you can’t leave here.”

  “How long do you think it’ll be till we can go home?”

  “I have no idea. I’ll try and get you what you need, as well as your mom, but you’ll have to let me know if I miss anything.”

  I hang my head and the shame crawls over me. I hate that I have to depend on him at my age. At the very least, it should be my mom taking care of me.

  “You look tired, you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s been a long day and my meds can make me drowsy, it’s normal,” I assure him.

  He nods and mumbles something about a party tonight and then looks guilty.

  “I’m sorry, you’re not interested in partying anymore, are you.”

  I shake my head. It’s not that I’m not interested in having a good time anymore, I am, I just don’t want any triggers setting me off.

  I’m going to find new interests that allow me to have a good time. I’m aware JJ has been in here because after Slade has left the room, I notice my bags are by the bottom of the bed. The smaller bag that contains all my new medication is sitting on the dresser and I open it up and sort through them. Even if I’m here for a day, I need to be organised. A strict routine for every day is what I need, and I will stick to it, even if my surroundings are every aspect of anarchy.

  JJ

  I knock on her door and take a deep breath. Harper isn’t just hot anymore, something has changed about her and not just the clothes she wears now, I’d class her as vulnerably beautiful.

  I knock on the door again. I know she’s in there, I waited for Slade to leave so I could see her. It’s been a long month and I need to talk to her alone to see how well she’s doing for myself. Hearing small snippets from Slade or Lily has been driving me crazy.

  When she opens the door, my mouth dries, and I shove my hands in my jeans pockets. She looks tired and wary and shit becomes awkward real fast.

  “Before you say anything, I want to say I haven’t been myself lately, but I’m getting better now, and my behaviour back then was stupid, I wasn’t well, and you don’t have to worry about me chasing you again.”

  I was not expecting her to come out with that little speech. It knocks me sideways and I quickly pull myself together.

  “Forget about it,” I tell her.

  “So, what do you want?” she asks, still not opening the door wider than her head.

  What do I want indeed? I step back, and she seems to relax. Her relief at our distance stings and I have no clue why. I wanted her to put distance between us not so long ago, and now she is, I don’t want it.

  “I just wanted to make sure you have everything you need.”

  So fucking lame, but it earns me a small smile.

  “My uncle has made sure I have what I need and want, what do you really want, JJ?”

  She’s not stupid and it makes me smile. It means she hasn’t changed completely.

  “Just checking in, whatever has happened between us in the past, I do…think about you.”

  “Are you saying you care?” she’s quick to answer, twisting my words.

  “I said, I think about you,” I reiterate.

  She raises an eyebrow and stares at me.

  “You shouldn’t, I’m fine and I have everything I need.”

  She closes the door in my face and leaves me standing here like a dickhead. I don’t know what I was expecting but this wasn’t it. I’ve never had a girl shut me out before.

  “Leave my cousin alone, Carter.”

  Turning around, Zach is coming out of his room and I itch to wipe the smug grin off his face. He didn’t question why I wanted to ride out with them to pick Harper up from Blue Waters, but I think Lily knew. She was careful around me and could barely look at me for more than five seconds at a time.

  “Fuck off, McCarthy. I wasn’t doing shit.”

  He shakes his head and disappears down the stairs. I turn back to the door in front of me and raise my fist to knock again, but something stops me. My fist falls down to my side and I sigh.

  What the hell am I doing? I don’t need or want her. I had my chance months ago. I could’ve had her and done as I please. I’m not chasing her. I head for the stairs and drag my ass down to the bar and fall onto one of the couches. Hours drag, and I don’t feel right. I have an itch and no amount of scratching is soothing it. The club is busier than usual due to Cas bringing in brothers from other chapters. There are even more prospects on guard around the clubhouse. Good luck to anyone who tries to come at us again. When the club is at its busiest, it’s normally my favourite place to be. The music is loud, the beer is a never-ending stream from the bar to my mouth, and the women are ready for the taking.

  Tonight, the place is locked down tighter than the blouse Har
per was wearing this morning when we picked her up, I shouldn’t be dragging my ass ignoring the party. The atmosphere isn’t being darkened by the Crows. Everyone is taking advantage of the party, and as usual these days, Leo is the only one missing. No doubt up in his room with India and the baby. I should hold a funeral for him, here lays Leo Jackson, died from major pussy whipping. Rest in peace, brother.

  The twins are all over Zara and she’s lapping up their attention. Zach is up the bar drinking his weight in tequila, and Luca and Victoria are hidden behind the stairs thinking they’re getting away with stealing a bottle of whatever they have from behind the bar. Victoria is looking all dreamy at Luca and he, as usual, is wearing a permanent scowl. He still isn’t over his girlfriend skipping out on him and stealing from him. I don’t blame the kid, but at sixteen, back then when he was fifteen, he’s way too young for that kind of bullshit in his life.

  I should take him under my wing, it’s not like Leo has time for him anymore, I can show him how to live properly, instead of drowning his sorrows.

  Heavy perfume fills my nose and Sasha’s ass falls into my lap. My hand instinctively goes to her lower back and then it drops.

  It doesn’t deter her, she winds her arm around my neck and pushes her tits against me. It’s not like she has to show me the goods, I know exactly what she looks like without any clothes on. We’ve probably slept together more often than most married couples.

  “Do you wanna go up to your room?” she whispers close to my ear and I flinch at the sensation of her breath hitting my skin.

  What the fuck is wrong with me? I don’t answer her, and she presses her lips to the corner of my mouth.

  “Not tonight,” I growl, pushing her off me and onto the next seat.

  “What do you mean, not tonight?” she huffs, reaching for my arm.

  I get to my feet before she can make contact, and I make my way through the brothers and find myself jogging up the stairs.

  Fuck tonight.