Anguish

  She’s got hair black as the night, and beautiful dark blue eyes. She’s awful skinny, though, which is a shame, because she’s a truly beautiful woman. It tells me something bad is going on in her life, because not only does she look it, but her eyes are also empty. I smile, having no idea who she is. “Hi.”

  She stares at me, shocked for a moment. “Ah, is Santana here?”

  I shake my head. “No, sorry. She doesn’t live here.”

  She blinks. “Does Mack live here?”

  She looks worried.

  “Of course. Is there something the matter?”

  Her head tilts to the side and she studies me. “Are you his girlfriend?”

  I want to snort, but that would appear rude, so instead I smile and say, “No. I’m his nanny.”

  Her face relaxes. “Oh, that’s good.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met.”

  “I’m Ingrid’s sister.”

  Ingrid. Who’s Ingrid?

  “You’ve lost me.” I laugh nervously.

  “The mother of the baby in there.”

  Oh. Shit.

  “Oh, right. I didn’t . . .”

  “He hasn’t told you about her, has he?”

  I shake my head. “Mack isn’t an easy man to talk to.”

  She nods, understanding. “Listen, I’m not here to cause any trouble. When I dropped Diesel off to Santana, she said I could come back and see him sometimes. It’s been a while, and I’d love to see him, if you don’t mind?”

  Shit.

  I don’t know if Mack would want me to let her in, or if he wouldn’t. I stare at her, unsure, but her eyes are so soft and gentle I figure what the heck? The poor woman looks like she’s had a hard time, and she deserves to be able to see the baby. It’s not like I’m going to let her run away with him.

  I must have paused for quite some time, because she whispers, “Please?”

  I nod quickly. “Of course, come in. I’m Jaylah.”

  “I’m Tracy. It’s nice to meet you.”

  I lead her into the house and she looks around, her eyes softening slightly in approval.

  “This is a lovely home.”

  “Yes.” I nod. “Mack has done well.”

  “And how is Miakoda?”

  I smile, even though she can’t see it. I’ve heard a few people refer to Mack by his real Native-American name, but it just doesn’t seem . . . quite right.

  “He’s okay,” I say, honestly.

  “How is he dealing with Diesel being around?”

  How to answer that?

  “Diesel is loved, warm, safe and taken care of.”

  She’s silent, and I know in her head she’s probably thinking, That didn’t answer my question. But she lets it go.

  “That’s wonderful.”

  “He’s just gone down for his nap, but you can look in on him. He won’t stir.”

  I open Diesel’s door quietly and we step in. He’s sprawled on his back, thumb in his mouth—which is a habit Santana keeps telling me he needs to break—and little legs spread-eagled. He sleeps like his father; that I know. Well, except for the thumb part.

  “Oh,” Tracy whispers.

  She walks over to the side of the crib, and leans over, looking in on him. “He’s grown, even in this short time.”

  I smile. “Yes. I’d imagine quite a bit, considering he eats more than a fully-grown male.”

  She laughs softly, which makes my smile widen.

  “He’s truly beautiful, isn’t he?”

  I have to agree with her there.

  “He is.”

  “He’s so much like Miakoda, but so much like Ingrid, too.”

  “Then she must have been very beautiful,” I whisper, gently.

  She reaches down, stroking a finger across Diesel’s cheek. Then she turns to me. “She was. Her and Miakoda, they had something really special.”

  Why does that make my chest clench? It shouldn’t matter to me, but it hurts, it tugs something deep down inside me that I’ve been pushing down for weeks now.

  “Perhaps I can get you a coffee, and you can tell me?” I suggest.

  She nods. “That would be lovely.”

  “Maybe Diesel will be awake by the time we’re done, and you can have a cuddle.”

  “I’d like that.”

  We head back out to the kitchen, and I figure I should text Mack and see how far away he is. I don’t know if he gets along well with Tracy, and I don’t want him walking in and getting upset. It’ll only make her feel worse and right now, that wouldn’t be a good thing. She already looks like she’s hanging on the edge.

  I pull out my phone, and turn to Tracy. “Have a seat. What would you like?”

  “Coffee, white, no sugar. Thank you.”

  I smile and nod, turning to the coffee-maker. I flick it on, then I glance down at my phone and scroll down to Mack’s name. I type out a quick text.

  J – What time can I expect you tonight?

  He responds about a minute later.

  M – 6

  Well, that was short and sweet.

  I put the phone down, prepare the coffees, get out the biscuits I made and sit at the table with Tracy. She smiles at me, but God, it’s so weak it breaks my heart.

  “Thank you,” she says.

  “Any time.”

  “So he hasn’t told you about Ingrid?”

  “Not really. I’ve figured most of it out myself.”

  She nods. “I understand why he would keep it secret. It was a hard time.”

  I smile at her, and she continues.

  “Ingrid was married to Benito, Miakoda’s half-brother. There was a lot of tension between the two brothers. Miakoda’s mom had given birth to Benito long after Miakoda was adopted out because of his past, which was partly on her, so it was a big blow for him to find out she’d had another kid when she didn’t protect him. He didn’t meet Beni until he was around twenty years’ old. The two never hit it off, but Miakoda tried to stay in his life all the same.”

  Shit. Poor Mack. His mother did wrong by him, he got adopted out and then found out another son was born.

  “Miakoda was so hurt, but soon found out Benito didn’t know his mother well either, even though she’d had him after Miakoda. It seemed she’d burned bridges with both her children. I think it’s what pushed Miakoda to stay.”

  I nod, understanding.

  “Benito met Ingrid when he was only eighteen, Miakoda was a good bit older than Beni, so it was a shock to us all when he came out of his shell around Ingrid. They had a strange bond, a friendship so deep it seemed they were brought together for a reason.”

  My chest hurts again.

  “Anyway, Miakoda joined Maddox’s club and travelled a lot. He came back to visit a lot, though. During the times he was away, Ingrid and Beni were struggling. Beni was quite controlling, possessive and difficult to live with. Not to mention they couldn’t have children because of an accident Beni had when he was younger. It put strain on them.”

  I nod, understanding how that would put strain on any relationship.

  “Miakoda coming back was like bringing back light to a dead candle. Ingrid came alive, and the two of them spent a lot of time together. I could see it happening, but I did nothing to stop it. I don’t know why.”

  I do; it’s because she knew they were meant to be.

  “She was everything to him. He looked at her with such warmth it melted my heart. He would have laid his life down for her, and their love was real.”

  My chest seizes, but I keep smiling and nodding her on. The very thought that Mack had a special person that was his one-and-only makes sense. It makes sense, because whatever happened turned him hard as he is now.

  “I knew they were having an affair, but Ingrid wasn’t going to leave Benito, not at that point. Miakoda was always on the road; she wasn’t sure she could deal with his life. So for years he came and went, in between travelling he would come to her, and they would start a whole new
fire together. The last time he came was when she got pregnant with Diesel.”

  Oh, no.

  “It scared her, and she freaked out. She knew Benito would find out, and she knew he would go after Miakoda. Not wanting that to happen, she knew she only had one choice. She had to end it with Miakoda, because if she told him about the baby, he would tell Benito and things would get bad. So she broke it off, and disappeared for a month or so. When he came back to find her, she was gone. He left after a few weeks, and we didn’t see him again.”

  My heart aches for all of them; it literally aches.

  “She told Benito she was pregnant when she got back, and for a while he believed it was a miracle and that the baby was his, but he soon figured it out and things got rough. Ingrid left him and came to live with me, but by this stage Mack was long gone and still didn’t know he was going to be a father. I watched my sister break to pieces, desperate to find him again, desperate to take it all back and run away with him. It didn’t happen, of course. He was gone and she knew she had to do it alone.”

  Tears prick the backs of my eyes, but I keep it together.

  “Diesel was born, and it was the first time I saw her smile in nine months. She loved that baby more than life itself.”

  The tears roll over, and I do nothing to stop them.

  “Then she had the accident. It was raining, she was tired from night after night with Diesel, and she was coming home from the store when she swerved and ran into a truck. She died instantly.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, my voice hoarse from tears.

  “Diesel was with me,” she whispers, her voice cracking. “He was all we had left of her. She was all I had. But I couldn’t keep him; I was struggling to feed my children, I couldn’t have a baby as well. So I had only one option, and that was to find Miakoda. It was my luck that he’d settled back down with Maddox. When Ingrid tried, no one knew where he was . . .”

  “I’m so sorry, Tracy.”

  She nods, pulling a tissue from her purse and pressing it to her nose.

  “It can’t be undone; it just pains me. It pains me to see him so broken. Miakoda had a hard life as it was, but she brought life into his eyes. It was beautiful, something so many people don’t find.”

  I swallow, my heart aching for all of them. Most of us want to find something that beautiful in our lives, but we rarely ever do. No wonder Mack is hard; no wonder he doesn’t let anybody in. After a heartbreak like that, I wouldn’t either.

  I can’t say anything else so I place a hand over hers, offering my comfort. Diesel cries in the other room, and her face softens. “May I?”

  “Sure, go for it.”

  She stands and walks off. When she’s gone, I drop my head into my hands and sigh. Poor Mack. Poor Diesel. Poor Tracy. Poor Ingrid. It’s such a sad situation, and even worse when the woman you fell in love with was your brother’s wife, of all things.

  I push the tears back to where they came from, and stand. Tracy enters the room, Diesel tucked in her arms, a small, happy smile on her face.

  “Hello darling,” she coos. “Aunty Tracy has missed you.”

  I smile at her, walking over and stroking Diesel’s very soft baby hair. “And I’m sure he’s missed you.”

  She smiles up at me, and presses her face into Diesel, breathing him in. I let her have a moment, and clean up the coffee mugs and empty plates. Tracy sits on the lounge, and I join her once I’m finished.

  “He’s so alert now,” she says to me.

  I stare down at Diesel, who has started becoming more alert. He smiles more, and his big brown eyes are always wide and happy.

  “He’s very alert,” I agree. “Especially at three a.m.”

  She laughs. “Don’t worry, it doesn’t last long, and there are times you’ll so desperately want it back.”

  “I don’t doubt that. I love my midnight cuddles.”

  The front door opens, and we both turn to see Mack striding in. Shit, it’s not six o’clock. What the hell is he doing here? His eyes flick to Tracy and his face gets hard.

  “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Mack,” I warn.

  He ignores me. “Well?”

  Tracy hands Diesel to me, standing. “I just wanted to visit my nephew.”

  “After you dropped him off and ran?” Mack bites.

  “Mack!” I cry.

  “I’m sorry, Miakoda. I just wanted to see him.”

  “Don’t call me that, and don’t you think it’s up to me if you see him?”

  “Mack!” I yell now, and Diesel starts to cry.

  We all look to him, and in an angry whisper, I say, “Well done.”

  He glares at me, and storms past. I walk over and touch Tracy’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

  She’s got tears in her eyes and it breaks my heart.

  “Give me your number. I’ll meet you sometime when I’m out, and you can see Diesel again,” I whisper.

  She nods, a tear rolling down her cheek, and writes down her number. I tuck it in my pocket and hug her. She’s frozen for a moment, but soon she’s responding, wrapping her arms around me. I hold her there for a long moment, and she kisses Diesel’s head before letting me go. “Take care of both of them, Jaylah,” she says, so low I almost can’t hear her. “He needs someone to push him. If you don’t, he’ll never discover how amazing Diesel can be for him.” Then she pulls back and leaves without another word. I’m scared and honored that she thinks I’m the one who can do that for them.

  I turn to Mack. He’s in the kitchen, clanking things around. Clearly, now isn’t a good time.

  I ignore him as I prepare a bottle for Diesel. I feed it to him in silence, and watch as Mack storms around. Boy, is he angry. After feeding Diesel, I start organizing his bath.

  I’m not talking to Mack until he calms down, so when the bath is done, I busy myself spending time with Diesel. I play with him, cuddle him, and when six rolls around, I tuck him into bed.

  “Things will get better, little man. I promise.”

  I stroke my fingers over his soft cheek and then go to face the dragon.

  When I get into the kitchen, Mack is standing with a beer in his hand, staring at nothing. It’s now or never.

  “Want to tell me what that was all about?” I ask.

  “No,” he says, brushing past me and heading towards the couch.

  God, this man is difficult. I follow him, and before thinking, I say, “She told me about Ingrid.”

  His body flinches and he turns, giving me a hard stare.

  “And?”

  And? Seriously?

  “Mack, come on. You can’t treat everyone like you treated her, or you’ll have no one left.”

  “Maybe,” he growls, stepping close, “that’s what I want.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  He gives me a horrified expression. “And you know me so well, do you?”

  “I know enough. I know there’s a sweet-as-hell side somewhere in there. I’ve seen it with Santana, and I’ve seen it when you think I’m not looking and you’re staring at Diesel. Hell, I even saw a glimpse of it the other night.” I swallow, remembering the night he had me against the wall. “Outside.”

  Memories of his mouth on me make my body shiver before I can squash them down. His eyes travel over me, noticing.

  “Stop analyzing me, and understand this is what I am.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “Fuck it, Jaylah.”

  “You are,” I cry. “I’ve seen it, I’ve seen the way you look—”

  Suddenly I’m being lifted and launched through the air. I land on the couch perfectly, my ass to the cushion, my back resting upright. Mack comes down over me quickly, his hands on the cushion beside my head. In a sense he’s straddling me, only he’s still standing.

  He brings his face down to mine. “When are you goin’ to get it?” he growls.

  “I won’t,” I say, my voice breathy. “Because I know you’re better than thi
s.”

  “If I wanted a counselor,” he bites out, “I would have gotten one of them instead.”

  The look in his eyes is challenging, and mine is equally so. “Well, you got me, and you’re going to have to just deal with it. I’ve seen something in you, and I’m not letting it go. I felt it the other night when . . .”

  His eyes grow lusty. “What you felt out there was my tongue in your sweet-ass pussy. It was nothin’ more.”

  I gasp. “You’re a bad liar.”

  “No need to lie.”

  “You have every need to lie,” I breathe.

  “You need to quit lookin’ at me like that, and on top of that, you need to quit fuckin’ interfering in my life. You’re a nanny; that’s it.”

  Oh God, he’s so close I can smell him. I no longer care about the conversation, or making him feel, or how rude he was. All I want right now is to taste his lips, maybe this time to taste him. My body jerks at that thought, and he notices and his eyes go molten. I’m not shy when it comes to sex. I’ve always been quite active in the bedroom, and this is no exception. I can see it in Mack’s eyes—I know what he wants and he knows, he God damned knows, I want it too.

  My fingers move before my body has the chance to realize what’s happening. The backs of my fingertips graze his jeans and I feel him there, thick and hard. God. Yes.

  “Don’t,” he growls, but I don’t believe it, not for a second.

  “Why not?” I whisper, meeting his eyes. “You put me against that wall and got your taste.” I press my palm to his jean-clad cock, and he flinches. “Now I want my turn.”

  I find the top button of his jeans and pop it open. He doesn’t pull back, which he easily could, considering he’s leaning over me. Instead, he keeps his arms either side of my head and his face close to mine, his eyes fierce. I lower his zip and my heart pounds as anticipation fills my body. I want to touch him, I’m dying to touch him, and if I only get once chance then I’ll take it.

  I spread his jeans open and my hand slides in, where I find him completely commando. Oh, holy shit. I gasp as my fingers graze his hard, throbbing flesh. His eyes remain on mine as I release him from his jeans, curling my fingers around what is an extremely thick, hard length. It’s long, too. Yum.