Anguish

“I said,” I growl, “no.”

  “Mack, not now,” Santana warns, her voice hard.

  There’s silence for a long moment, and then the door closes.

  “Is he gone?” I whisper.

  “He’s gone, honey,” Ash assures me.

  “How am I supposed to face him now? I’m so ashamed.”

  Santana reaches across, taking my hand. “It was probably a mistake. Maybe you should talk to him.”

  “Not going to happen.”

  “He won’t stop until you do. It’s better to do it and get it over with,” Ash adds in.

  “Right,” I say, standing. “Listen, I’ve got to take Diesel for his check-up. I’ll talk to you girls later.”

  I take Diesel from Ash’s arms and tuck him back in his carrier.

  “Jay . . .” Santana tries.

  “Later.”

  Then I’m gone.

  ~*~*~*~

  “He’s sleeping, and I need the shop,” I mutter.

  Mack stares at me. “So take him.”

  “Mack,” I growl. “You can sit here and fuckin’ make sure nothing happens while I’m gone.”

  He crosses his arms. “I said no.”

  “And I said I don’t fucking care.”

  “I’ll go to the store.”

  My lips quirk, sarcastically, of course. “To get me tampons?”

  He gets a horrified look on his face.

  “Didn’t think so. Watch your son.”

  “I can get tampons,” he grumbles.

  “There’s a special sort.”

  “Sort?” he mutters.

  “Yeah, sort. They have to be thin, but not too thin. They can’t be those horrible fluffy ones that are just awful. I don’t like certain brands; there are only two I like. I’ll write them down. Don’t get the pink packet, those are shit.”

  “Fuck,” he growls. “Fuckin’ go. Shit.”

  “That’s what I thought.”

  I lift my purse and walk to the door. “He’s asleep, Mack. You’ll be fine.”

  “When you get home, we’re talkin’.”

  “No,” I say, reaching for the door. “We’re not. I’m going to do my job, be professional, and we’re going to make sure it stays like that.”

  “Jaylah,” he says, his voice a warning.

  “I’m your employee, Mack. You’ve reminded me of that so many times. What happened was clearly a mistake. I’m done. I don’t care. It’s finished.”

  “Heard you cryin’ all fuckin’ night,” he says and I flinch.

  “Well,” I hiss, turning and facing him, “if I’d called you by another man’s name, I’m sure you would have been crying too.”

  “It was a mistake.”

  I shrug. “It was a mistake that made me realize it’s time to keep shit professional. I’ll be back.”

  I step out before he can say anything more.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  MACK

  I’m pacing. I’m pacing because the baby is crying. No, he’s fuckin’ screaming and she’s not here. My heart is pounding and my head hurts. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I got nothing, nothing to offer him. She was meant to be here so I never had to do this, so I never had to feel this shit.

  His screaming gets louder.

  Fuck.

  I walk into the room and he’s squirming in his crib, his fists flying around. This baby has a set of lungs on him. My heart is pounding so hard I can feel it in my head. This shit is not happening. I’m not picking him up. I can’t. I can’t. What the hell am I supposed to do? How the hell am I meant to stop him screaming? It’s burning something deep in my chest.

  I step out, staring around. I see my guitar against the wall.

  It’s worth a shot.

  I take it and walk into the room, sitting on the sofa across from him. I start strumming softly, and when I start singing, my voice is shaking. Fuck, fuck this.

  I close my eyes, blocking out his screams, and I just sing. I give it everything I’ve got, praying it works, praying he stops screaming, because I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t.

  He does.

  After five minutes, his screaming turns into whimpers, and then he stops all together. I open my eyes and see he’s watching me through the bars on his crib. Watching me with those brown eyes that are so much like hers it fuckin’ burns me. He’s got his thumb in his mouth and his eyes are trained on me, unmoving.

  I keep singing.

  ~*~*~*~

  JAYLAH

  When I step into the house, I hear Mack’s soft voice immediately. I drop the bag of tampons that I actually didn’t need, because I was simply making an excuse to get out and leave him with Diesel, and slowly walk down the hall. The singing is coming from Diesel’s room, which surprises me. I get up on my tiptoes and carefully make my way down further, until I’m stopped at Diesel’s door. I peer in, and what I see melts my heart.

  Mack is sitting on the sofa, his eyes trained on his son, and he’s singing. Softly, so sweet, so God damned heart-wrenching.

  I made the right choice.

  Diesel is watching him, his thumb stuck in his mouth. He’s got red cheeks, and I know he’s been crying. I know him crying would have flustered Mack, and it melts my heart that he’s figured out a way to soothe him. It’s not much, but it’s a start. A beautiful start. My throat gets tight, and I can’t force my eyes away from them.

  Stepping back, I tiptoe back down the hall.

  They can have a few minutes more.

  He needs it.

  More than he thinks.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  “You gonna seriously stalk off and ignore me?” Mack says as I walk to bed later that night, pajama bottoms on, top bound up around my waist in a knot and book in hand.

  “Yes,” I say, continuing without looking back.

  “You know I fucked up,” he says.

  I stop, but don’t turn. “You think?”

  “Jesus, I had just woken up. I wasn’t thinkin’.”

  “I don’t know why you’re explaining yourself to me, Mack,” I say, my voice low. “It shouldn’t have happened in the first place.”

  “Bullshit,” he says, his voice gravelly.

  “Bullshit nothing,” I snap. “You’ve been an asshole to me from day one. It was a moment of weakness, and it won’t happen again.”

  “It will.”

  “No, it won’t.”

  “Yeah, it will.”

  I spin. “You called me by another woman’s name,” I shriek. “It won’t.”

  “I fucked up,” he snaps, stepping forward.

  “Jesus, Mack. Do you have any fucking idea how much you hurt me? Do you have any idea how you crushed me with just that one word? The sad thing is, a part of me gets it. I’ve heard the story, I know what went down—I know she was the one and only and you’ll never love the same again, but when you said her name, it tore me to pieces.”

  His face softens slightly. Only slightly.

  “I was dreamin’ about her.”

  I growl, turning. “That doesn’t make it better.”

  “Then you were here, and you were whisperin’ those sweet fuckin’ words to me again.” His voice drops low. “Come on, honey, come for me.”

  I shiver, but don’t turn back.

  “It doesn’t excuse it.”

  The bite in my voice is gone, and it’s softened.

  “No, you’re right, it doesn’t.”

  “I might not be her, hell, I might be just something you think you can play with, but I’m still a person, Mack. I have feelings, and there is nothing worse than knowing a man was inside you, and he was thinking of someone else.”

  “Wasn’t thinkin’ of her, Jaylah.”

  “You said her name,” I breathe.

  “It came out. Don’t know why, but it wasn’t because I wasn’t thinkin’ of you.”

  “That’s a lie,” I mutter, turning again.

  Suddenly his body heat is at my back, and his breath is on my neck. ??
?I’m a lot of things, Jaylah. I don’t connect, I don’t like bein’ close to people and I don’t pretend to be anything else, but when I was inside you, it was you in my head.”

  “You said another woman’s name,” I breathe, unable to move, hating that he’s so damned honest and yet loving it at the same time.

  “It was you.”

  “It wasn’t.”

  “It fuckin’ was.”

  “Jesus, Mack, just stop. You humiliated me.”

  “Then I’ll show you that when my cock was inside you, I was thinkin’ about you and your sweet cunt.”

  “Stop.”

  “I’ll show you.”

  “No.”

  “Yeah.”

  Then his arms circle my waist and he lifts me effortlessly. He carries me down the hall to his room, which I’ve never really been in except to throw a diaper filled with poop at the woman he was fucking. He drops me down onto his bed, which has a rich red cover that matches his white tiled floors and black curtains. It’s a little vampire-ish, but I’m not complaining. His bed is comfy.

  He hovers over me the moment he’s gotten me to my back, and his lips are on mine. I want to protest, to throw him off and tell him I’m not having anything to do with him, but I can’t. His lips are so soft, his body so hard, and he’s making me feel every stroke of his lips against mine. He kisses me until my breath is gone, my body is melted chocolate, and little moans are breaking free.

  “See that mirror,” he growls, taking my pajama bottoms and yanking them down.

  I turn my flushed face to the mirror running alongside of his bed. It’s huge, and I can see us there. I stare for a moment, transfixed. Mack is so dark—his eyes, the olive tone of his skin, his long, thick hair. I consider myself quite an olive girl, but in comparison to his Native-American tone, I look pale. My hair is fanned out over the pillow, my cheeks are pink, my eyes are sparkling, and my knees are up around his waist.

  “Don’t for one fuckin’ second take your eyes off that mirror. I want you to see that when I’m inside you, I’m inside you.”

  I swallow, not moving my eyes from the mirror and watching as he removes my clothes. I can see the curve of my breast, and my dark nipples, as he runs his fingertips over them. Then he slowly slides his fingers down my belly. When he reaches my knees, he turns and meets my gaze in the mirror. His eyes are intense, powerful, dominating. He presses my knees, forcing them apart, then he dips his head between them.

  I jerk and my eyes flutter closed.

  “Open your eyes,” he orders.

  I flick them back open, staring at myself. Oh, God. His powerful body is down between my legs, his big, muscled arms curled around my thighs. All I can see of his face is his dark hair as he devours my pussy, his head moving as he licks and strokes, sucking my clit and probing his tongue into my depths. His long, lean, muscled body is bent over the bed, his knees on the ground.

  His teeth graze over the skin covering my clit, then he tilts his head and licks the smooth skin of my outer lips, then his head is out of my pussy and he’s kissing the skin above it, then he dips down and runs his tongue up the inside of my thighs. Oh. My. Lord. My body bucks, and I watch in the mirror as my back arches and my breasts tingles, my nipples forming hard peaks.

  “Mack,” I breathe, and even my lips are red and swollen.

  He hums against my flesh, then his tongue is in my pussy once more. He fucks me with it, driving it in and out while one of his fingers works my clit. In seconds I’m screaming my orgasm, my back arching off the bed, my head tilted back. Mack fucks me with his mouth until my shudders have died down. Then he’s on his feet, taking my hips and pulling me to the end of the bed.

  Before I know what’s happening, my legs are over his shoulders and he’s watching me in the mirror. His eyes are intense as he presses his cock to my entrance. I can see him about to enter me, and to give me a clearer view he uses his hands and pushes my legs up, holding them out so I can see everything. His cock pressing to my entrance; the curve of my pussy.

  “Now watch, watch as I fuck you, and know it’s you in my head.”

  Then, he slides in. I’ve never seen something so erotic in my life. He pushes in slowly, no hard pounding. Inch by inch, he slides into me. I watch his face change as he fills me. The tightening in his jaw eases and his eyes grow hooded. My eyes do the same, and my lips part on a gasp as he fully sheaths himself.

  “Do you see that?” he rasps.

  I nod, whimpering when he starts fucking me. My entire body shakes as I watch his hips rotating, the muscles on his ass bunching and pulling as he pushes in and out of me. God, so good, so fucking good.

  “Do you see that?” he growls again. “Do you see my cock inside you?”

  “Y-y-y-yes.”

  “Feel it. Put your hands on it, and see that it’s all for you.”

  Oh, God.

  He takes my hand and brings it down between my legs, and presses it to the base of his cock. He keeps fucking and I feel it sliding in and out, our combined warmth, my arousal, all of it. I can even feel the way my pussy hugs his cock with each thrust.

  “Now put your fingers in your mouth,” he orders hoarsely. “Suck it off, and taste how fuckin’ sweet you are. Understand that when I’m inside you, I’m thinkin’ about you and your sweet pussy.”

  I lift my fingers, my back arching, and suck off my arousal. He growls loudly, and it’s the most I’ve seen come from him. I’ve never experienced Mack so vocal, or so honest, or so passionate, and I love it. I love this side to him that I know he keeps hidden. For whatever reason, he felt the need to show me he didn’t just fuck me and not mean it. I don’t know why he felt the need to do it, but I’m so glad he did.

  “So tight,” he growls.

  “Mack,” I whimper, arching.

  “Don’t come yet. Hang on,” he grinds out.

  I watch his cock again, sliding in and out of me. God, it’s the most beautiful sight, and the moment I see it, glistening and hard, I come. I can’t stop it; I can’t hold it back. I come with such force my entire body shakes, and my head bends back into the pillow as I scream his name.

  “Fuckin’ sweet,” he growls. “Now watch me, honey.”

  My body is still shaking when his thrusts get harder and faster. My eyes are trained on him in the mirror, and his muscles bulging and his back tensing tells me he’s close, and it’s the sweetest sight I’ve ever seen. Then, without warning, he pulls out, curling his fist around his wet, hard cock. He jerks it and I watch in fascination as he explodes. His head drops back, his powerful body arching as his cock shoots liquid over my exposed pussy and thighs.

  It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

  “Mack,” I whisper as he comes down from his high. He lets my legs settle and he steps back, fully naked, beautiful.

  “Now do you get it?” he rumbles.

  “I get it,” I breathe.

  “I’m not an asshole, Lah. I’m hard, but I’m not an asshole. If I’m fuckin’ you, it’s you I’m thinkin’ about. I fucked up, but I won’t do it again. You’re in my bed, then it’s only you on my mind.”

  “Okay,” I whisper.

  “This, between us . . . I don’t know what you want out of it, but—”

  “I want what it is. I don’t expect more.”

  “Jaylah . . .”

  “I get it. I’ve seen you, Mack. I’ve watched you, and I know how you are. I know you don’t give your heart—hell, you barely give a damned smile—but I also know there’s something here, whatever it is. I’m willing to keep going with it. If it’s sex, that’s fine with me; sex with you is amazing. If it’s sex and then it breaks down, that’s fine too. I don’t expect you to throw me on a white horse and ride with me into the sunset. I’ve never been that girl. I’ve never had high expectations. You are who you are, and I’m willing to go with that.”

  He stares at me for so long I squirm. Then, in a low voice, he says, “You should shower.”

 
He gets it; I know he gets it.

  And he’s not going to argue.

  That’s fine with me.

  Really, it is.

  ~*~*~*~

  MACK

  “Causal sex with your fuckin’ nanny,” Maddox says, pressing a cigarette to his lips and drawing, long and hard.

  “It’s a mutual choice,” I mutter, pressing my ass against my bike.

  “It’s never a mutual choice. Girls feel too much, and they say it’s fine, but it ain’t.”

  “Jaylah knows what I am.”

  “Don’t mean she won’t try and save you.”

  I hold his eyes, and we drop into a stare-down. He finally turns away with a grunt. “You’re playin’ with fire, Mack.”

  “It’s sex, Maddox.”

  “It’s not just sex. That girl is deep; it’s written all over her.”

  “Deep is you and Santana, it ain’t Jaylah and me.”

  Maddox shakes his head, finishing his smoke. “Your life, your choice. Just take somethin’ from me,” he says, his voice low. “Don’t you hurt that girl. You feel her getting too close and you can’t give her what she want and needs, you take a walk.”

  I nod, jerky.

  “Got you, bro.”

  “Speakin’ of bro, how’s your brother?”

  I flinch. “No fuckin’ clue. He hasn’t come by again, and he’s disappeared.”

  “You think he’ll be back?”

  I nod. “He’ll be back.”

  “You got a plan for when he does?”

  “I’ll deal with Benito.”

  His eyes flash, but he nods.

  “How’s the shit after Mexico?” I ask, changing the subject. I don’t want Maddox involved in my life.

  “Shit.”

  “Got backlash?”

  “From the Tinmen, we do.”

  “They’re pissed, their plan didn’t work, and they know shit is comin’.”

  “They’ve been on the lowdown, no doubt reportin’ to Howard in prison.”

  I lean against my bike again, placing my hand on the seat. “You got any idea how you’re goin’ to end this war?”

  “I’ve got a few choices. The first is settin’ them up and bringin’ the club down with the cops.”