Anguish

  I want to turn, I want to say it’s okay, it’ll be fine, but I can’t. I’m too shaken. I drove for more than an hour, around and around, not knowing where I was going. Figuring it was dangerous for me to be on the roads when I am so out of it, I turned and came to Santana’s house. She welcomed me with open arms and took Diesel, bathing him and keeping him happy and comfortable.

  Maddox put a big beefy hand to my shoulder a while after and told me he was going to call Mack. I tried to protest, and mid-way through his phone rang, and it was Mack, so my protests were cut short. That’s when I turned to the wall and refused to take my eyes off it. I don’t want Mack here. What’s the point? He’s made it clear we’re done. I think it’s time I make that possible.

  The very idea of leaving Diesel has my heart twisting in an ugly way. That baby has become important to me, super important. I would even go as far as saying I love him, and that terrifies me. At the same time, I can’t allow my heart to get broken when Mack breaks it, and he will—it’s just in his nature. It’s not that Mack doesn’t know how to love, because he does. It’s simply that he doesn’t want to.

  Sometimes, I think that’s worse.

  I hear his bike pull up, and I keep my eyes to the wall. I can’t remove the images from my head, I can’t stop seeing that letter, and I can’t stop processing how it all made me feel. I press my lips together, keep my eyes wide, and pull back any emotion trying to shove forth. I can’t let Mack see it. Instead, I need to keep it together until I can end this finally. That means I’ll have to find a way to pay him back, but I will.

  The door opens, and I listen as Maddox greets Mack.

  “She been like that long?” Mack asks.

  “Yeah.”

  Normally, I’d be the first to yell “I’m in the room!” but right now I just don’t care.

  “Fuck.”

  Now he feels sorry for me. That’s not what I want.

  “Diesel?” he asks next.

  “He’s fine, sleepin’.”

  There’s silence.

  “Jaylah?” he says, breaking the quiet and walking closer to me.

  I stand, not facing him. “We have to talk.”

  He doesn’t answer, and when I turn he’s staring at me, and God, his brown eyes are killing me.

  “Outside,” he murmurs.

  I nod, and follow him out.

  We step out onto the back porch and I turn to him. I keep my face blank as I begin speaking.

  “I can’t be in Benito’s way anymore. I’ve decided it’s time I leave—”

  “Jaylah—”

  “Because there’s no way I can keep feeling like this. I did nothing wrong, and—”

  “Jaylah—” He tries again.

  “It’s not fair,” I continue, speaking as if he’s not trying. “It’s not fair that I should be the target of someone after you because of your ex-girlfriend—”

  “Fuck, Jayl—”

  “It’s certainly not fair that I should be your sex toy.” My voice breaks but I keep going on. “I know I owe you money, and I promise you I’ll pay it back but I can’t—”

  “Listen to me—”

  “Keep going on like this. I’m a person. I have feelings, too. I know that doesn’t matter to you. Nothing does. You fuck and let them go, but it matters to me. I care about you, for whatever stupid fucking reason, but there’s only so much I can take, and—”

  “Jaylah!” he roars.

  I close my eyes and tears leak out and run down my face. I keep talking.

  “I hate that I care about you. I hate that he keeps telling me I’ll never be her. I hate that I know that. I hate that I love your son like he’s my own. I hate that he’s after me, and I’m fucking scared. I hate that no matter how much I try, walking away from you is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because—”

  “Enough,” he rasps.

  He doesn’t let me finish. His fingers go up and curl into my hair, and he jerks my head forward, capturing my lips in his and kissing me so hard he takes my breath away. He kisses me like I matter; like there’s a small piece of him that thinks I could be his new Ingrid. That I could make him happy, make him laugh, make him smile.

  “Mack,” I whisper through my tears and his lips, which are still roaming mine, his tongue sliding out to touch my bottom lip.

  “Fucked up,” he groans, running his mouth down my jaw.

  “Mack, please.”

  “So fuckin’ beautiful.”

  “Mack.”

  “Not Ingrid,” he says, and my body flinches. I go to shove him back, but he holds me firm, and murmurs, “Better.”

  Better.

  My knees wobble, but he keeps going.

  “She was sweet. You’re sassy. I like sassy. Sassy makes me want to wake up.”

  Oh, God.

  “She was beautiful. You’re stunning. I like stunning. Stunning makes me want to kiss every inch of you.”

  I’m going to lose it.

  “She was perfect. You’re not. I don’t like perfection. Perfection is a lie.”

  My body starts trembling.

  “She loved me, but she was too scared to tell me how it was. You’re not. That makes me want to fuckin’ keep you.”

  I’m sobbing now, and I don’t care.

  “But most of all . . . she didn’t fight for me. You do. You fight for me, you fight for my son, and you fight for those you love. That’s what makes you better.”

  I hiccup and clutch his shirt.

  “I’m not good at this. Fuck knows, I’m really bad, but I’m goin’ to try, because you’re the first girl since her that’s made my heart come to life. Only with you, I know what I’m gettin’. You’re real, you’re beautiful and you’re exactly what I need. Does that mean I didn’t love her? No. I did. With every piece of my heart, but that was then . . .”

  “Mack,” I whisper.

  “Then was a long time ago, sweetheart.”

  “Mack.”

  “We’re in the now. And right now, the only things I want are you and my son.”

  I kiss him, shutting him up the way he shut me up. I kiss him hard, deep and long. He returns it, his fingers leaving my hair and going around my hips, pulling me closer and giving me everything that’s inside him. I know this isn’t a miraculous transformation, and that things won’t be easy, but he’s trying, and I’ll take whatever I can get.

  “Now,” he murmurs, pulling back and running a thumb down my jaw. “As much as I’d like to stay and bend you over that railing and fuck you, we gotta talk about my brother.”

  I nod.

  He leads me inside, and we sit down at the table. Maddox sits, too. Santana has gone to bed, exhausted, so it’s just us three.

  “Shit is gettin’ worse, and she’s in danger,” Mack says, not holding back.

  “What are we gonna do about that?”

  “I need to make contact. See what it’s goin’ to take to get him to back down.”

  “That won’t work,” Maddox mutters. “He’s pissed, and he’s made it clear that ain’t gonna change anytime soon.”

  “Not sure what else I got,” Mack grunts. “He fuckin’ hates me, and the feeling is mutual. This ain’t just goin’ to go away.”

  “Then you need to let us step in, and you need to step back.”

  “Not gonna happen.”

  I stare between the two of them, my eyes darting from one to the other.

  “No other choice. He’s messin’ with your girl and your baby. If somethin’ happens to them, it’s on you. Right now, he’s gettin’ too close. He walked right up to the front door.”

  “We up security,” Mack growls.

  “Not enough; he’s too smart. Best thing for you to do right now is take them away for a few days, let us find him and then we can go over what we’re goin’ to do when we do.”

  “I know what you’re trying to do,” Mack grunts. “Not goin’ to work.”

  “You got a baby. Don’t forget that.”

 
Mack flinches, and I know Maddox has hit him hard.

  “Go away, a few days, let us find him and figure some shit out. Then you can come back and we’ll end it.”

  The two stare at each other, but I can see Mack already knows this is best. He nods jerkily and turns to me. “Anywhere you wanna go?”

  My heart pounds and I nod, softly.

  “Where, honey?”

  “To see my mom.”

  He turns to Maddox. “You goin’ to make sure we’re not followed.”

  He nods.

  “Then we’re goin’ to visit your mom. Best you let her know.”

  Oh, yes!

  ~*~*~*~

  A knock sounds at the door, but Mack is quicker than me and he rushes toward it, not hesitating. He swings it open and a low, feral growl leaves his throat.

  “Please!”

  That’s a familiar voice.

  I’m midway through packing and at the sound, I stop. I’ve heard that voice before, so many times.

  “Get the fuck out of here.”

  “Please, you have to help me. He’s after me. He’ll kill me.”

  Samuel.

  I close my eyes, exhaling loudly. I put the shirt I was holding down and turn, walking out and over to the front door. Mack is standing, arms crossed, no sympathy whatsoever emanating from his powerful body.

  “I said, get the fuck outta here.”

  “Please,” Samuel practically squeals.

  Yeesh.

  I step beside Mack and gasp at the sight of my ex-boyfriend. He’s skinny, pale, with dark rings under his eyes, and his once blond hair is dull and fluttering about. Not to mention, he’s high. I see nothing changes.

  “Why are you here, Samuel?” I mutter.

  Mack tenses, but says nothing. He does, however, move his arm so it’s hooked around my waist. Samuel watches this and his pale face gets even paler, if that’s possible.

  “Jaylah,” Samuel squeaks.

  “Why are you here?” I repeat.

  “Gregor is after me. I’ve been running. I need somewhere to stay; I’m scared. Please, help me.”

  My heart flutters a little. It’s hard not to feel that way. Once, I cared about Samuel. I didn’t love him, but I cared. Then he fucked me over and I nearly got my life taken for it. He repayed me by fucking someone else, then he shot a massive drug lord and wants my help. A part of me, a big part, wants to help him, because it’s not in my to purposely see someone hurt.

  The other part thinks of Diesel.

  “You shot him,” I point out.

  “I was trying to save you!” he screams.

  “Save me?” I laugh bitterly. “You got yourself tangled in that shit, I so stupidly tried to pull you out of it, and then you fucked another woman and left me with your debt, enough for me to get abused by Gregor until you decided to be a hero.”

  “I made a mistake,” he says frantically.

  “You’re high right now.”

  “I have nothing else!” he cries.

  “Samuel, we’re done. You put yourself in this situation, I told you to stop, so many times, but you didn’t’ want anything to do with it, and now you’re living the consequences.”

  He scowls and his body flinches. A mood swing. These happened a lot, too. “Maybe I should have kept fucking Esmeralda.”

  There it is.

  Mack snarls, “Watch it.”

  I don’t bother reacting. I stare at him, my expression actually a little sad. “You’ve ruined your life, and that’s on you. Blame me, go ahead; I risked my life once for you; I won’t be doing it again.”

  “He’ll kill me, you stupid, fucking bitch!” he bellows. “And all you care about is fucking an Indian!”

  That’s it.

  “You know what,” I hiss, “if he kills you, it’s because you’re a fucking lunatic who messed with the wrong shit. You were told, Samuel. Warned. You didn’t listen. Now you want me to risk my life, my man’s life, and my baby’s life. That won’t happen, because nothing is more important to me than them. So go ahead, beg. In the end, you made your bed, and honey—” I lean in close. “—you’re going to lie in it.”

  His face scrunches up.

  He doesn’t get to speak because Mack cuts in. “You got five minutes to leave, or I’ll bring my gun out and do Gregor’s job myself.”

  “But . . .” Samuel begins.

  “One.” Mack warns.

  “You’re not counting at me!”

  “Two.”

  “Fuck me, just listen.”

  “Three.”

  “He’s got a gun, Samuel,” I say calmly. “He’ll use it.”

  Samuel’s face twists and he bellows, “You’ll pay for this,” before he turns and disappears.

  I close my eyes for a moment. A part of me hates, truly hates that Samuel could likely die and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, but there’s another part of me that knows I can’t save him. He’s made his choice.

  Mack’s hand curls around my neck. “He made his choice, baby. He’s gotta live with it.”

  “I know,” I whisper.

  “Your baby?”

  I turn to him, confused. “Huh?”

  “You called Diesel your baby.”

  I give him a serious look. “That’s because he is my baby.”

  His face softens, and he murmurs, “Honey.”

  I grin and kiss him. “You’re stuck with me now.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  MACK

  “Stop squirmin’, woman, he’s goin’ to be fine.”

  Jaylah turns, scowling at me, and then she crosses her legs underneath her and stares out the window. She’s worried about Diesel, because we didn’t bring him with us. I figured it safer to separate him from us, just in case we’re followed. We very subtly sent him to his Aunty Tracy’s for two days while we’re away. We made sure we weren’t followed when we dropped him off, so I know he’s safe.

  Jaylah isn’t happy about it.

  “What if someone followed, and you didn’t see?”

  “Jaylah, we’ve gone over this. They were trailed; no one came past for three hours. They weren’t followed.”

  “Mack . . .”

  “Baby,” I murmur and her face softens. She turns to me, her eyes gentle. “He’s okay.”

  “I feel empty without him.”

  There it is. My heart clenches. My girl loves my baby. Nothin’ in the world could feel better than that. I reach over, catching her hand and pulling it onto my lap. “Try and relax for me, yeah? It’s only two days until Maddox can get some information.”

  “What if he can’t get it?”

  “Maddox is good,” I say.

  She hesitates, squirms, and then continues with, “And if he doesn’t?”

  “Jaylah, you gotta trust me.”

  “Is it always like this?” she asks, her voice soft.

  I shrug. “At the moment it is, but only because we’ve got problems going down. The problem with my brother isn’t with the club, so no, it’s not always like this. Club life ain’t always safe, or even legal, but they’re the best family you will ever know.”

  “I’ve already figured that out.”

  Silence falls, and then she whispers, “What happened to your family, Mack?”

  I flinch. I don’t tell anyone about my past. No one knows, not even Maddox. Now she wants to know, and fuck, I want to tell her.

  So, I tell her.

  “My father was a piece of shit. Right from the day I was born. I don’t entirely blame him; my mother chose him and she chose to let him do what he did. It was nothing for him to raise a fist on a daily basis. He broke my arm, my leg and two ribs by the time I was four.”

  She flinches, and I know if I looked at her, I’d see tears in her eyes. I release her hand and curl my fingers tightly around the steering wheel.

  “He was Native American by blood, but was kicked out of the village before he was fifteen years’ old. He ran amuck, fucked up a lot of things, brought shame to hi
s heritage, and met my mother when he was twenty. She was drug fucked, a prostitute and as worthless as him. The two got into business together; a business that did some serious illegal shit.”

  Jaylah’s eyes are on me, but I keep focus.

  “She had me two years into that business. I never had a good life, never had love—never had fuckin’ nothin’. She left me alone at a young age and would go out for hours—I don’t know how I survived. She used to let that piece of shit beat me, because she was too out of it to fight back. By the time I was five, the authorities took me away. I was in foster care for only a small amount of time before they did the best thing they ever did for me . . . they signed the papers, and I joined Maddox’s family.”

  I glance at Jaylah, and she’s watching me, her eyes emotional but soft. “They saved you?”

  I nod. “They were amazing people. They adopted even though they had no purpose to, they just wanted to save a life, and they did. It killed us when they passed, but we had each other and that was all we needed. I found out about Benito in my late teens. I was fuckin’ furious. Why my mother would go and have another child was beyond me, and worse, I was wild with envy. At that point I didn’t know he had been shoved through foster systems his entire life; I just thought she’d replaced me.”

  Jaylah reaches over and squeezes my hand. I let her.

  “I stuck around, feeling for him, wanting to connect with the only blood family I had that mattered. We never got along, shit was always hard, but when he married Ingrid, I found sunshine in her, and things went okay for a while. Until, of course, he found out what I’d done. After that, a hate grew.”

  “Is that why you’re so hard?” Jaylah whispers.

  I glance at her, catch her expression, and then turn back to the road. “I’m hard because I was raised to be hard. Everyone who was supposed to love me always put me second. I closed my heart off.”

  “That makes sense,” she whispers. “Your own family didn’t give you what you needed and that wasn’t okay. Then you fell for a woman who was taken.”

  “And she didn’t give it to me either,” I murmur. “Because she refused to leave him.”

  “I’m sorry, Mack, for all of it.”

  I shrug. “Life ain’t always easy.”

  “No,” she whispers. “But it’s not meant to be hard either.”