Coquette

  BOOK THREE: CONSEQUENCES

  i

  The Merricks--Sally and Bertram--went for their honeymoon to Penterby, alittle South of England town near the sea but not actually upon thecoast. The honeymoon was to be a short one, the barest weekend, and sothey could not go far from London; and for some reason Gaga could notstand the sea itself. Strong air made him ill, and even sight of rollingwaves made him feel sick. Sally, still elated and not as yet veryconfident or assertive, immediately agreed when he suggested thiscountry town; but she had no real notion of what was in store for her.She was all half-amused trepidation. The scuffled marriage-ceremony,after which the registrar's clerk hurried to call for her for the firsttime by her new name, was fun to her. It meant nothing: "I, Sarah,Margaret Minto, call on these present...." It was all a part of a game,a rather exciting game; and Gaga was no more to her after the ceremonythan he had been before it. He was a tall agitated grey creature, verytremulous and muffled in his speech, and nothing like a husband. What_was_ a husband? How did one feel towards a husband? All Sally knew wasthat her husband was a stranger. He was one man out of millions of men,no more and no less than the others. The thought that she was bindingherself to him for life did not trouble her. It did not enter her head.

  Nevertheless, she felt triumph at her wedding ring, and clutched Gaga'sarm as they came out of the register office with their twocasually-acquired witnesses. They were instantly alone, and walkingalong the street together in the autumn sunshine, married and excited,but merely two strangers on their way to lunch. And yet that was notquite all, because when they were seated at lunch Sally felt theslightest sensation of flurry at Gaga's possessive stare. She returnedit boldly, quite unembarrassed; but across her mind flitted a knowledgewhich came there of its own accord. He was a weak man, weak in hispossessiveness as he had been weak in his stammering; and thepossessiveness (which in a strong man might have excited her) gave Sallyan uncomfortable sense that Gaga might bother her. She had neverrealised this. She saw in this instant that he would be jealous,exacting, amorous. She did not love him, and the amorousness of theunloved is a bore. Sally knew she could always deal with Gaga; but shedid not want a profusion of excited caresses from him. It was thisrealisation that gave her a jerk of dismay. It was not that she shrankfrom him. It was that with her cold little brain she imagined him in afever about her, fretful, tantalised by her coolness, rebuffed, sulky,ineffably tedious.... As she knew all this her eyes darkened. It was allvery well to play with Gaga; but he was now her husband, and that meantan association so constant that in future, so far from tempting him, shewould forever be engaged in battles with his exasperating, petty claimsto her person and her attention. He would not ever be able to understandher wish to be alone, or to be self-engrossed. Febrile himself, he wouldbe dumfounded at her reserve, which he would take for hostility.

  The knowledge came to Sally so unexpectedly that she did not respond toGaga's unspoken appeals. The frown in her eyes deepened. All round herwere the gilded mirrors of the Rezzonico, and the general noise andmovement of a busy restaurant. Opposite was Gaga, smiling with a sortof joy which made his long face appear to shine. She could tell that hewas almost beside himself with excitement. And she was cool. There wasno current of understanding between them. They had neither physical norspiritual _rapport_. Slowly Sally's gaze took in all that was revealedin Gaga's face and his nervously extended hands. Slowly a little cruelsmile played round her small mouth. She had married him. She was sure ofhim. But there was a price. He would be a nuisance, a futile nuisance toher. He would demand kisses, he would pry, would watch her, would fuss.He would be a lover with all the empty ardour of the neurotic man.Sally's heart sank. She did not want a restrained lover, because she wasyoung and high-spirited; but this singular trembling possessivenesswould soon be intolerable. He would be a nuisance. Again and again thethreat pressed itself upon Sally's consciousness.

  Men! That was what Sally thought. She had no deliberate mental process.All her intuitions were summarised in the one word. Men! Toby.... Gaga!Gravely, she looked round the restaurant. There were fat men and thinmen, dark and fair, ugly and good-looking and negligible. And as shelooked at them in turn, puzzled, Sally shrugged her shoulders. She cameback to Gaga. She gave him a false, alluring smile, secure in her powerto excite him still further; but her gravity was constant. She hadglimpsed for the first time a thing which she could not have knownbefore marriage. It was that one married for different reasons, but thatone had to endure the disadvantages accompanying any choice. She was notafraid, but she was ruffled. She was ruffled by that exultingpossessiveness which shone from Gaga. Had she loved him, her joy mighthave been comparable with his. If she had loved him and he had seemednot to desire her, Sally's happiness would have been undermined. But inher present coolness, the sense that Gaga was personally inescapable wasenough to depress her. He would be a nuisance.

  She found it so when they were in the taxicab on their way to Victoria.Her smallness made her unable to stem the torrent of his excitedcaresses. For a time she submitted to them, still entirely serious. Thena kind of petulant composure enabled her to chill him. Gaga laughed in asort of giggle, holding Sally's hands, and looking adoringly into hereyes, and trying to kiss her. Instead of giving him kisses, instead ofwishing him to kiss her, Sally found herself aware already of a slightrepugnance. As she looked forward to spending days and nights with himher heart sank. She was not shocked. She was not afraid. She knew thatthere would come a time when, after boring her, Gaga's kisses wouldbecome troublesome. And it was too late now to withdraw. She was toodeeply into her new scheme of life. But this feverish, insatiablyamorous, weak Gaga would get on her nerves. So this was what marriagemight be. Sally's jaw stiffened. Yes, if she allowed it to be so. ButSally was Sally. Kisses should presently be favours. Gaga should learnhis place. A hardness showed. She pushed aside the clinging arms, andsat erect.

  "No," cried Sally, sharply, at his convulsive motion of return. "Notnow. We're.... People looking at us...."

  She did not want to be hard. She did not want to grow hard and bitter.She had seen women who were both, and she disliked them. But with Gagashe would have to be hard. Otherwise he would bore her to desperation.So there was at this moment no longer any softness in Sally's hearttowards Gaga. She resented him. As they pushed through the crowd atVictoria, Sally had a sudden impulse to run away. A shudder fled throughher. A girl with less resolute will, or perhaps of greater delicacy,would have made some movement. But Sally merely stood with her headlowered, and considered the position. It was not his love that sheminded; it was his hysterical possessiveness, the sense that he wouldalways be there and claiming convulsively those small incessantintimacies which accompany marriage. Sally could not put her perceptioninto coherent terms; but she was assured of the fact. Gaga would wanttoo much, and that not in an adorably masterful way, but with exactingand pertinacious excitement bred from his weakness and neurotic avidity.The domination of the weak man would be a tyranny, as it always is.Sally thought: "He'll be a nuisance. I shall want to do him in by thetime we get back. Oh, Lor! You done for yourself, Sally, my gel! Youcome a mucker! Look at your husband! Look at him!" She could see Gaga inthe distance, moving agitatedly about a porter and the guard, andtripping over luggage, and interrupting other eager passengers, andstretching his long arm over their shoulders in order to touch theguard. "That's your _husband_, that is! Man who's lost his head. Manthey all love. Fancy living with it for fifty years! Oh, Lor! A wholelifetime. Three-hundred-and-sixty-five days in the year, too. All day,every day! Makes you start thinking!" And she watched Gaga speedingexultantly towards her.

  "All right. We've got a first," he panted, quite out of breath. "Toourselves. I've tipped the guard. It's ... it's all right. Come along.This way. Come along!"

  "Oo!" cried Sally, with archness. "To ourselves! What a surprise!Strange!" And to herself, returning to her own sober thoughts: "If youdid too much thinking you'd lose the use of your legs. And if girlsthought a bit before they
got marrying, they'd.... Funny! I wonder whatthey _would_ do!"

  ii

  What she would herself have done Sally had no time to consider; for theywere hurried to their compartment and were locked in by the obliging andamused guard. They then sat demurely upon opposite sides of the carriageuntil the train began to move. Every time anybody peered in at thewindow Sally, who had recovered her good spirits, began to laugh; andGaga was full of consternation. But at last even that anxiety wasremoved, and in the afternoon sunlight the country began to glow undertheir eyes and race round in a sweeping circle with an intoxicatingeffect not to be appreciated by those who are staled for railwaytravelling. Sally allowed Gaga to embrace her; but she kept her faceresolutely turned from him for a long time while she relished her newjoy in rushing