Fading

  I step out into the rain, pull my suitcase out of the trunk, and walk slowly to the front door not caring that I am getting soaked. It's dark and quiet when I walk inside. I drag myself to my room and head to the bathroom to shower.

  When I am cleaned up and in my pajamas, I unpack my bag and hang up all of my new clothes. While I am sorting through my closet I hear my phone chime. I rush over to my bed to grab my cell when I see a text from a number I don't recognize. Swiping the screen to open the message, it reads:

  Got your number from Mark. Wanted to see how your Thanksgiving went. –Ryan

  I hold the phone in my hand, staring at the text for a minute before typing my response.

  I think we managed to fall into the universal tradition of holiday drama. : )

  That bad?

  Kinda. Now I'm home with no food.

  It takes a while for Ryan to text me back as I continue to hold my phone and stare at the screen. I have never considered Ryan one of my friends, more of just Mark or Jase's friend that I hang out with on occasion. But being able to sit here tonight, when I feel like crap, and text him, feels nice.

  Sorry, saying bye to everyone. About to head home myself.

  Did you have a good time with your family?

  Yeah, I did. Ate way too much. Feel like I need to hibernate.

  LOL. Drive safe. Is it pouring where you are?

  Not too bad. Try and have a good night.

  Thanks.

  Before I set my phone down, I store his number into my contacts then hop up to go rummage through the kitchen. I find an old bag of popcorn. No one went grocery shopping since we all were supposed to be gone for the week, and now there is nothing to eat. I decide to heat up the bag, get comfortable on the couch, and turn on the TV.

  The chiming of my phone wakes me. Squinting my eyes against the sunlight that is filtering in through the windows, I grab my phone to see that it's almost eight in the morning and that I have a missed text from Ryan. I shift and sit up on the couch, then read his text.

  I am heading out for breakfast. Wanna join?

  Grocery shopping is the last thing I want to do, so with no food in the house, I type my response.

  Sure. Where?

  The Dish Café. 9:00?

  See you then.

  I hop off the couch to take a quick shower and get ready. I wasn't planning on coming back home for a couple days, so it'll be nice to hang out since I have nothing to do otherwise.

  After smearing on some lip-gloss, I slide on my leopard rain boots under my boot-cut jeans. I clasp on my watch and make my way out into the rain to get into my car.

  When I walk into The Dish, a small dive café, I see Ryan is already sitting at one of the tables. He looks up from his menu as I approach the table.

  "Hey," he says.

  Shrugging off my coat and draping it over the back of the chair, I sit down and say, "Hi, thanks for inviting me. I literally have no food at the house."

  "So, what did you wind up doing last night?"

  "I ate an old bag of popcorn and passed out on the couch."

  Laughing at me, he says, "That's pathetic."

  "My thoughts exactly," I say grinning.

  "I ordered you a hot tea."

  Surprised that he remembered that I like hot tea, I say, "Oh, thanks."

  I pick up the menu and quickly decide on the blueberry pancakes. When I set my menu down and look up, Ryan is staring at me. I know the obvious question that must be lingering in his head is what happened yesterday that made me come home early. Before giving him an opportunity to speak, I quickly turn the focus on him and ask, "So, how was your Thanksgiving?"

  "It was good. We did the typical family thing like we do every year. Mom and her sisters being loud and gossipy, cooking all day. I hung out with the guys and watched football while the kids ran around screaming and playing. My head was pounding by the end of the night."

  "That actually sounds nice."

  "Yeah, it is. It's not too often that everyone can get together, so when it does happen, it's fun. Crazy, but fun," he says then picks up his cup of coffee to take a sip.

  When the waiter stops at our table, I tell him I want the blueberry pancakes, and Ryan orders the heuvos verdes.

  "So how many nieces and nephews do you have?" I ask as I sip my tea.

  "Three nieces and four nephews all under the age of five. I'm not lying when I say it's loud and crazy!" I can see by the smile on his face that he loves the kids regardless of his comments.

  "So, you're an only child?" Ryan asks.

  "Yeah. I have a pretty small family. My grandparents on my father's side died when I was in high school, and I have never met my mother's parents or her sister. My father is an only child as well, so it's just the three of us."

  "Quiet."

  "Hmmm..." I don't even want to begin to explain my family's dysfunction, so I ask, "Is your mother out with the crazy Black Friday crowd today?"

  "God, you have no idea. She and my aunts go bat-shit over the sales."

  The waiter comes and drops off our food. I let out a pleased sigh when he sets down my pancakes that are bigger than the plate they are served on. I pick up my fork and knife and look up at Ryan as he says, "That's a shitload of food. You gonna be able to eat all that?"

  Putting all manners aside, I cut a chunk of pancake that is obscenely large, shove it into my mouth, and chew while nodding my head at him in response. His smile broadens and he laughs out loud at my gesture.

  We continue to chat as we indulge in our food. Ryan is a really easy person to talk to, even without the company of either Jase or Mark. We talk mostly about his family, and I do pretty well with keeping the focus off of myself. When I can't eat another bite, I lean back in my seat and groan with the discomfort of being entirely too full. I close my eyes when I hear Ryan laughing at me and saying, "I can't believe you ate all that. You sound like you're about to die."

  "You have no idea."

  "You gonna be able to walk, or will I have to carry you?"

  I open my eyes to look at him, when I say, "Honestly, I really need to walk this off."

  "Come on, let's get outta here." Ryan stands up, throws some cash on the table, and reaches his hand out to me. We walk out into the rain, and he nods his head towards a four-door black Rubicon.

  "What?" I ask as I wonder what he's thinking.

  "I know you don't have shit to do today, so come on." He walks over to the large jeep that sits high on its wheels and opens the passenger door. "Come on."

  I stand where I am and ask, "Where are we going?"

  "I'll figure that shit out when you get in."

  I can't help but laugh at his apparent love for the word 'shit.' Walking over to him, he takes my hand again to help me into the seat and closes the door behind me. When he gets in, I shake my head at him as he begins to pull out of the parking lot. He turns onto the main road and asks, "You like Thirty Seconds to Mars?"

  "Love them."

  He smirks at me and questions, "Really?"

  "Yeah, why?"

  "You just don't strike me as the type of girl who would like that kind of music."

  He turns on the stereo and 'Northern Lights' begins to play when I ask, "And what type of girl is that?"

  "First impression I got was that you're really quiet. I thought you were just shy, but the more we hang out, it seems like not much embarrasses you. When I look at you, I see this tiny little ballerina, so I figure you sit around and listen to Mozart and shit."

  We both start laughing and I say, "Mozart and shit? I'm not that refined, so you can relax. But I've never been loud and obnoxious, so yeah, I'm quiet."

  He quickly glances my way and grins at me before returning his focus to the road.

  "So, where are we going?"

  "Someplace I haven't been to in a long time," he says then reaches over and turns up the music. I lean back in my seat, and we don't say anything else. We just sit and listen to music. After a few minutes, he turns into
a waterfront parking lot, and I am surprised at where we have wound up.

  "The aquarium? I haven't been here since I was a little girl."

  "Me neither."

  "Why are we here?"

  "To have a little fun. Come on," he says as he gets out of the car.

  When we go inside, the place is full of kids and their parents. I feel as if we are the only adults that are here by our own free will because this place is a madhouse. We walk up to a huge underwater viewing window that greets you as you walk in. I go right up to the window and press my hand against the cool glass and watch as the fish swim by. I remember coming here on a field trip once before when I was in the fifth or sixth grade. Even though I grew up here, I never really did many touristy things unless it was through school. My parents rarely ever took me out to explore the city.

  I look down to my side at a little boy, maybe around six years old, who is looking up at me. He has his hand on the glass just as I do.

  "Hi."

  "You're pretty," he says, and I smile down at him and respond, "Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

  His face lights up with a huge smile when Ryan walks up from behind us and asks the little boy, "Do you think I can steal your girlfriend away from you, buddy?"

  The boy looks up at him and laughs. I can tell he is embarrassed as he nods his head.

  I say 'bye' to my new friend and follow Ryan as he navigates us all the way to the touch pool. I hesitate as he starts to walk up to the exhibit.

  "Come on."

  I slowly walk up to the edge of the tank.

  "You scared?" he asks.

  "Kind of, yeah"

  Pulling me up to the tank next to him, he dips his hand into the water and starts touching the orange and purple starfish.

  "They're not going to attack you, Candace," he says with a smile.

  "No way."

  "We aren't leaving until you touch something in this tank," he teases me.

  I look around, and kids that are elbows deep in the water surround us. Pushing up my sleeve, I very slowly start to move my hand toward the water, but when I see a hermit crab crawling in the tank where I was just about to put my hand, I jump back and squeal. Several of the kids start laughing at me, and Ryan joins in.

  "Really nice!"

  "What?" he says through his laughter.

  "You're making fun of me."

  "You're such a baby. Come here," he says and takes ahold of my hand to pull me back up to the tank. He shifts his hand to grip the top of mine and I shout, "Wait a second!" when my hand almost hits the water.

  I don't look at him, but I hear him laughing at me.

  "Relax."

  He moves our hands down to the top of the water, and I nervously start to shift my weight between both of my feet when I feel the cold water on my fingertips. I know I am bouncing up and down like a scared little girl, but I don't care. I am terrified of these little sea creatures, especially the spiky sea urchins. The few kids that are near us are giggling at me, and when I finally feel the course, rough texture of the starfish on my fingers, one of the little boys claps and screams, "You did it!"

  I look up at Ryan, and he is laughing along with me at the excitement of the little kid.

  "See, not too scary," he says as he takes his hand off of mine and goes to grab some paper towels to dry our hands.

  We take our time exploring the aquarium and all the exhibits while laughing and having a fun time. After an hour or so, we head downstairs to the underwater dome. We walk through the small tunnel that leads into the concrete and glass enclosure. The room is a little dark because of the weather outside; the sun isn't out today to filter its light through the water. We find an open seat along the perimeter of the dome that faces the windows and sit down. I lean back and prop my feet up on the concrete ledge and watch the schools of fish swim by. This day has turned out to be really fun. I never go out like this with my friends, and I'm starting to wonder why. Being here has kept my mind free from the way I left things with my parents yesterday.

  "What are you thinking about?" Ryan asks.

  "Nothing really."

  He doesn't say anything; he just sits back with me and stares out into the water. When we finally decide to leave, we stop and grab a coffee at the café before heading out to the car. It's a pretty cold day, so I basically use the coffee to keep my hands warm as we walk to Ryan's jeep. Again, he helps me step up inside the car, and I set the coffee down in the cup holder and shove my hands into my coat pockets.

  "Damn it's cold!" Ryan says as he hops into the car and starts it. He turns up the heat and begins to drive.

  Feeling tired, I rest my head on the back of the seat and shut my eyes. Our drive is quiet and peaceful. When I finally hear the car turn off, I open my eyes and wonder why we are parked in front of a grocery store.

  "What are we doing here?" I ask.

  "You said you don't have any food at your house."

  "Yeaaah?"

  "Well, let's go buy some food so I don't have to hear about you eating stale popcorn again," he says as he laughs at me.

  He gets a cart and starts following me around the store. Feeling a little uncomfortable and embarrassed, I throw in a couple bags of lettuce and some apples.

  "No wonder you were starving at breakfast, you eat like a rabbit."

  I roll my eyes at him and continue grabbing food for the week. Once I purchase everything and we load the car, I give him directions to my house. When he pulls into my driveway, I become nervous. I don't like the idea of having him inside my house. I try to calm myself down, but I can't help feeling scared. Hanging out with him all day has been fine, but we have been surrounded by people. I don't like the idea of being alone with him in my home. Knowing there isn't really much I can say to make him stay in the car, I hesitantly get out and grab a few bags as he grabs the rest, and I unlock the front door.

  "This is a pretty nice house for a college student," he remarks.

  "Yeah," is all I say in response as I lead him into the kitchen. Trying to keep calm and not overreact, I silently and quickly put everything away. When everything is in its proper place, I immediately start walking to the front door, and thank goodness Ryan follows without questioning my strange behavior.

  As we are driving back toward the café, I feel bad for my rude behavior, so I soften it by saying, "Thanks."

  "For what?"

  "Today. I had fun hanging out."

  "You should say 'yes' when I ask you to go running with me tomorrow morning."

  "Is that you asking me or telling me?"

  He turns to look at me and smirks, not saying anything. Giggling at his invitation, I say, "Okay then."

  "Okay then," he repeats.

  By the time we arrive back at the café, the parking lot has emptied out and the rain is now falling hard. Ryan reaches over and turns down the music before saying, "I didn't want to say anything earlier, but I can't help but wonder about what made you come home yesterday."

  Being worn out from our day, and feeling more at ease around him, I don't hesitate much when I decide to answer. "I got into a fight with my parents. Some pretty nasty things were said, so I just left."

  He shifts in his seat to face me and I do the same, as he asks, "You guys fight a lot?"

  "My whole life. My mother is a difficult woman to be around. She doesn't approve of the way I want to live."

  "What do you mean?"

  "My parents are more concerned about their social standing than my happiness. So, having a daughter who wants to be a dancer and is unengaged is not a good look for them."

  "That's pretty shitty."

  "I'm used to it," I quietly say and lean the side of my head against the seat.

  "No one should be used to that," he says in a soft raspy tone. "They should be proud of you. I've only just met you, but you're pretty great from what I know so far."

  His words are so sweet, but at the same time, a little unnerving. What's strange is that I can say the same abou
t him. I have only known Ryan for a short while, but our friendship feels very natural.

  "I had always hoped that somewhere beneath their hard exterior that they would be proud of me, but after last night, I now know that they aren't. My mother actually said she was embarrassed by me."

  Ryan lets out a long sigh and leans in closer to me. I look down to see him reaching over and sliding his hand over the top of mine. When I look up at him, he is staring at me with a hint of sadness in eyes.

  My heart starts to race, and I feel myself wanting to close off. It hasn't really bothered me when he's taken my hand in the past, but something about being alone with him now and opening up to him is beginning to overwhelm me. I sit up, pull my hand away from his, and start fiddling with the door handle. I hear the click of the locks and thank him with a shaky voice for hanging out with me. I hesitantly turn around to look at him when I get out of his car and give him an apologetic smile because I don't know what else to do, but I need space, and I need to be alone before I start to really freak out. I dig out my keys from my purse and unlock my car door. I take another quick glance at him before driving away, and he is sitting there watching me with a confused look on his face.

  Embarrassed by my moment of weakness, I pull away and start driving home. Anxiety begins to course through my body, and I cry. How can I be so weak and show it in front of Ryan? I'm disappointed in myself for not holding it together better.

  When I pull up to my house, I just sit in my car and continue to wipe the tears that are falling down my cheeks. I slowly inhale a deep breath and am able to gain a little bit more control over my emotions.

  Why am I acting like this? I had such a great day, and Ryan has become a good friend to me. I know I need to just pull myself together because he will be coming over tomorrow morning to run, and he will think I'm a total basket case if I call and cancel on him after what just happened. God, Candace, get your shit together. You can do this.