Fading

  She makes herself comfortable on the couch with a cup of coffee in hand while I sit in one of the plush chairs. Setting my wine down on a little round table next to the chair, I thank her for having me as a guest.

  "You are more than welcome. I have been wanting to meet you for a while now."

  I am flustered by her words, especially after the conversation I just had with his three cousins. "A while?" I ask.

  "Yeah, ever since he first called me to tell me about you, I've been wanting us to meet."

  Not wanting to sound like I'm snooping, I just let her comments be. "Well, I'm glad we got to meet. Ryan's been a good friend to me. I feel like I'm imposing a bit, but he insisted that I come."

  "You're not imposing at all! When you have as many people over here as we do, adding one more to the mix is nothing," she says with a giggle. "Ryan tells me you have a fairly small family."

  "Yeah, it's just me and my parents." Although I say this, I'm not so sure that's even true after last night. I kind of feel like Jase is my only family now, and at the same time, I wonder how much longer I will have him. He and Mark are very serious, and I have no clue what will happen after we all graduate this year.

  "I hope you don't mind, but Ryan has told me a little bit about your family dynamics. I just wanted you to know that Ryan and I have a close relationship and he talks openly with me."

  "I don't mind. I figured the two of you had a tight bond. You guys are lucky. I never had that with my parents." I take a sip of my wine when I start to feel the lump in my throat return. I have always wished for that type of closeness with my parents, but it never came. And now we couldn't be any more divided.

  "So, Ryan tells me that you're studying ballet at school. It sounds like such fun, to have the opportunity to turn a passion into a career."

  I can't contain my smile when I respond, "I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. I've taken ballet since I was a little girl, so when I graduated high school, there was no doubt what I wanted to do next."

  "That's great to have that desire and focus. Not a lot of kids your age do."

  Donna and I talk and get to know each other. She wants to know me better, and I find her to be warm and very easy to talk to. We are deep in conversation when we hear Ryan yell from across the house, "Mom! You're slacking in the kitchen! I think the ham is done!"

  Donna and I look at each other and laugh.

  "Can I help you in the kitchen?" I ask.

  "I have it covered. You go and enjoy yourself."

  "Really, I'd like to help."

  Donna looks at me, and I can see in her eyes that she probably understands why. Taking my hand, she says, "I'd love that."

  Before we ate dinner, Ryan finally let the kids open their gifts. He wasn't kidding when he said he had a lot. He clearly spoils his nieces and nephews rotten, and it was fun for me to sit back and watch him. He's just so relaxed with them. Ryan sat on the floor with Zachary, his nine-month-old nephew, in his lap and helped him tear off all the giftwrap, and then laughed in amusement when all Zachary wanted to do was play with the paper, waving it around in his hands.

  Dinner wasn't like any Christmas dinner I have ever had. The kids ate at the bar and breakfast table, with Jenna sitting next to Zachary who's in a high chair. And everyone else spread out between the formal dining room and the living room. We couldn't all sit together with there being eighteen of us. The evening was casual with loud conversation and lots of laughter. Ryan's family made me feel as if I'd known them all forever. I really get along well with Tori and Jenna. Katie has been upstairs with her sick daughter most of the day, so I haven't had much time to get to visit with her.

  After a while, the commotion and noise start to overwhelm me. Needing to take a little breather, I offer to take Katie a plate of food since she missed dinner. Walking upstairs, I quietly knock on the door to Ryan's room. I crack the door open and Katie is lying in bed next to Madison.

  "I brought you some dinner," I whisper.

  Katie gets out of the bed, and I hand her the plate.

  "Thank you so much, Candace. That's really sweet."

  Looking over at her daughter, I ask, "How's she feeling?"

  "She doesn't have a fever, just an upset tummy mostly. I can't get her to go to sleep though."

  "Well, I have no experience with kids, but do you mind if I try?"

  "God, pleeease," she chuckles. "She has books in her bag by the bed if you want to try reading to her."

  "Thanks. Why don't you go downstairs and eat? I'll stay with her."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yes, go," I say with a smile.

  "Okay. Thank you."

  Walking over to the bed, I sit down and Madison rolls over with a tiny groan.

  I tell her that I'm a friend of her Uncle Ryan's, and she immediately starts babbling about him and asking me questions. When she begins to slow down, I reach over to her bag and take out two books. They're both ballerina princess books.

  "You like ballerinas?" I ask.

  "Mmm hmm, I wanna be one. Mommy says when I turn four that I can go to dance class."

  "I think you'll make a beautiful ballerina." She smiles up at me and I say, "Do you know that I'm a ballerina?"

  "A real one or pretend?"

  "A real one."

  "You wanna be my friend?"

  "Best friends."

  She giggles as I open one of her books and begin to read. It isn't long until she is sound asleep with her head on my lap. Not wanting to wake her, I keep still and allow her to sleep.

  Setting the books down, I finally take a moment to realize I am lying in Ryan's bed. I look around the room that he grew up in. He has a couple of surfboards leaning against one of the walls and a large flat screen mounted on the wall facing the bed. Something about being in his room makes my heart beat a little faster. I don't want to be feeling this way, but I am. The way he was with me last night makes me feel as if I want to like him more. I have never felt this way about any guy in the past, and that scares me. I only wish he knew me before this year, before I was so screwed up.

  Light filters into the room when the door opens. Ryan walks in, looks at me, and laughs. "Are you stuck under Maddie?"

  "I didn't want to move and wake her up. What time is it?"

  "Past eleven. Everyone has gone to bed. I told Katie to go on to bed and that I would check on you and Maddie."

  "I wanted to thank your mother before she went to bed."

  "Don't worry about it. Here's your bag. I made a big pallet of blankets and pillows downstairs in the living room. Since Maddie is in my room, we're just going to sleep down there. We can watch a movie or something if you want." He sets my bag on the floor and walks further into the room.

  "Oh...ummm..." I mutter nervously. I was supposed to sleep in this room and Ryan was going to stay on the couch.

  Sensing my hesitation, he says, "Don't worry. I'll take the floor and you can have the couch."

  I smile at him as he walks over and grabs some clothes from his dresser. "I'll be downstairs. You can use my bathroom to change."

  "Okay," I say as I slowly slide out from underneath Madison, careful not to wake her.

  I grab my bag and go into Ryan's bathroom. I quickly take my sleeping pill, brush my teeth and hair, and then change into a pair of pajama pants and a black cami.

  When I walk downstairs, I see Ryan in the kitchen wearing only a pair of flannel pajama pants that are hanging low on his hips. I'm surprised when I see a half-sleeve of tattoos on his right arm that spans a few inches onto his chest.

  When he spots me from across the room, he says, "Grabbing some water. Want a bottle?"

  "No, thanks."

  I notice all the blankets and pillows piled into a big fluffy makeshift bed in the center of the living room.

  "You mind if I take the floor?" I ask.

  "You sure?"

  "Yeah. It looks more comfortable anyway."

  "Okay."

  Suddenly feeling ner
vous about spending the night here in the same room as Ryan, I apprehensively walk over and sit down, sliding the covers over my legs. He walks across the dark room, the only light coming from the last of the burning embers in the fireplace. I try not to stare at his bare chest that is revealing the tattoos I never knew he had. He sits down next to me and turns the TV on.

  "TCM?"

  I laugh at him and say, "It's all we ever watch. Why switch now?"

  "I think you're starting to like my movies," he teases.

  "Maybe."

  We sit back and start watching a movie when Ryan turns to me and says, "Were you okay today?"

  "I was. You're really lucky; you have a great family."

  "Well, everyone really likes you, especially my mom."

  "She's really nice. We had some time to visit earlier."

  His words are sweet, but at the same time bring sadness. I only wish it was my parents who felt this way. But being here today, with his big family, has made me realize just how cold my family is. You can't even compare the two. Feeling the emotions tugging at me, I lie down and lay my head on the pillows sitting next to Ryan. He starts playing with my hair, and it's only a matter of minutes when I begin to feel the effects of my pill and drift off.

  Gasping for breath, I thrash up out of a dead sleep. My breathing is loud, and I'm confused about where I am until I hear Ryan say, "Candace," as he jumps off the couch and is by my side in a second, pulling me into his arms. "You okay?"

  My body is stiff, and I'm shaken, panicked by what just happened. I have no idea what I was dreaming about. I start taking deeps breaths.

  "What happened, babe?"

  "Bad dream," I quietly whisper through my erratic breathing. I have no idea what brought that on.

  "Slow your breathing down, okay?"

  I do as he says and concentrate on his heartbeat as he holds me against his chest. Wrapping my arms around him, he begins to stroke one of his hands up and down my back. Once I'm calm and my breathing has steadied, he asks, "Wanna talk about it?"

  I don't speak; I just shake my head no. Truth is, I don't know what I was even dreaming about, and the last thing I want to do is try to remember it.

  Ryan slides under the covers with me and lays us down, both on our sides facing each other. I look up into his eyes, and he is staring back into mine. Holding me tightly against his warm body, looking into his clear-blue eyes, my heart begins to quicken again, but in a completely different way. He brings his hand up and gently places it on the side of my cheek. My breath catches, and I am so close to him that I can hear his breaths as they begin to increase slightly. Everything about him is calling me. I'm too scared to even move, but at the same time, I want to move. He's all around me, and I still want more. Never taking his eyes off of me as we lie in the darkness, I grasp onto a thread of bravery and bring my hand up to cup his cheek as he is doing mine. Wrapped up in each other, his gaze slowly moves down to my mouth. I shouldn't be wanting to do what I know he wants to, but when his eyes flick back to mine, I keep my eyes locked on his as I nod my head, my timid way of letting him know what I want.

  Lowering his head slowly, my heart begins to pound in my chest as he gently presses his soft lips to mine, and my eyes fall shut. My body starts to tremble under his arms, and he grips me tighter. His kisses are slow, but purposeful. When I begin to move my lips softly with his, he glides his hand from my cheek to the back of my head, weaving his fingers into my hair and holding me close.

  He brushes his tongue across my upper lip, and a soft noise escapes my throat. I want this, and I want this with him, but I'm scared. I've never felt this way before, and I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel like this. I take my hand from his cheek, slide it under his arm, back up around his broad shoulder, and grip tightly. My heart is all over the place as our lips meld together.

  Without breaking our connection, he shifts me onto my back. He begins to softly nip and suck, taking his time and not rushing our kisses. I slide my hands down his shoulders and hold tightly onto his muscular arms. When I feel his tongue brush across my lip again, I part my lips more and allow him to deepen the kiss. He dips his tongue into my mouth and caresses it against mine.

  My emotions are running high, and I'm not used to the feelings that course through me. Suddenly, the thought creeps in that I'm too damaged for him to ever want to be with me. And what if I'm just another girl to him? I can't do this. I realize that I'm feeling too much, and he now has the potential to hurt me.

  I push my hands against his arms, and he pulls back."I'm sorry," I barely whisper, keeping my eyes closed because I'm embarrassed to look at him.

  He continues to hold me tightly in his warm arms. "Look at me, Candace," he breathes out.

  I take a second before I hesitantly open my eyes and look into his. Supporting himself above me on one elbow, he takes his hand and brushes the back of his fingers along my face.

  "I don't want you to feel sorry for that."

  Another small noise escapes me as I nod. I can't speak, because holding on as tightly as I am to keep my tears from falling is taking up all the strength I have. So, I wrap my arms around him, clinging to his warmth, to the belief that I didn't just do something stupid—clinging to my hope that he won't hurt me.

  Leaning down and resting his forehead against mine, I can't help myself when I tilt my chin up and gently kiss him. His lips fall slowly onto mine, pushing my head into the pillow. I cup his face between my two hands before he languidly pulls his lips from mine. Lying back on his side, he pulls me into him, and for the first time in my life, I let someone besides Jase hold onto me through the night.

  My legs are tangled with Ryan's, and he's lying behind me with his arm draped around my waist. His warmth is wrapped around me and although I feel nervous about seeing him after our kiss last night, I also feel relaxed in his arms as he sleeps.

  My stomach is full of butterflies, and I haven't even opened my eyes yet. What does this all mean? I wish I knew where his head was at, what he's thinking. At the same time, I feel like I'm not guarding myself like I probably should be. What if that kiss didn't mean anything to him? What if that's something he just does with any girl? Did he feel what I felt?

  Taking in a deep breath, I hold it and try to clear my head of all these jumbled thoughts. When I let out my breath, I open my eyes and see two round blue eyes staring into mine.

  "Night night over."

  "It's not over, Bailey," Ryan mumbles behind me in a sleepy raspy voice.

  I look at Bailey, Ryan's two-year-old niece, and give her a grin.

  "I eat bweakfast. Night night over," she says to me in her sweet toddler voice.

  "Okay," I whisper to her as I start to wriggle my way from underneath Ryan's arm.

  He pulls me back down and with his eyes still shut says, "Where are you going?"

  "To go get her something to eat." I slide out from under the pile of blankets and walk to the dining room while Bailey follows.

  Pulling out a chair for her at the table, she takes a seat and says, "I eat ceweal."

  "Sounds good. Where's the cereal?" I say to myself as I walk into the kitchen and open the door to the pantry. I scan around and see a box of Cookie Crunch.

  "How about this?" I ask her as I hold up the box.

  A big smile covers her face, and I start opening and closing cabinets to find her a bowl.

  "The kid's things are in the cabinet by the fridge," Ryan says from across the room.

  I look over my shoulder at him as he is walking toward me. His hair has a messiness to it that just adds to his appeal. I shake off the thought and turn around to pour the cereal in the bowl.

  I walk over to the table and set it in front of the little girl and then peel open a banana for her as well.

  "Fanks," she says around a mouth full of cereal.

  When I walk back into the kitchen, Ryan is starting a pot of coffee. The house is quiet and we are the only ones up.

  "Want some?" he asks
as he is opening the cabinet to grab the mugs.

  I lean back against the counter opposite of him and nod my head. I don't know what to say to him, and I'm a bundle of nerves as I watch him move around the kitchen.

  "Umm, I'm gonna sneak upstairs and get cleaned up." I need space to regroup and watching him move around wearing nothing but a loose pair of pajama pants is way too distracting for me.

  "Here," he says as he pours the creamer in my coffee and adds one sugar.

  "Thanks." I take the cup, and avoid eye contact. What am I doing? Why does this make me so uncomfortable? Even the fact that he remembers how I take my coffee feels like too much.

  It's always been difficult for me to connect to people, to let them in. Jase says it's because of the lack of affection I had when I was growing up. Maybe he's right. I've only ever truly let one person in—Jase. Guys have always made me feel awkward. I don't know how to respond to affection, and I wind up feeling embarrassed and shy. For the first time, I don't want to feel that way. Not with Ryan. Maybe it's because he has seen a part of me that no one besides Jase has.

  Fighting with my parents has been my life. I am used to the chilled air that surrounds them. But having Ryan witness that, and then watching me fall apart, is something that no one has seen. I've always kept that hidden within me.

  "Hey," he says, and I am snapped out of my thoughts. "You okay?"

  No. I'm confused. I don't want to be, but I am. What happened last night? What did that mean?

  "Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to get ready before everyone wakes up."

  "Okay."

  I turn and make my way upstairs and quietly sneak into his room, careful not to wake Madison.

  I take my time showering and getting ready, needing to pull my thoughts together before going downstairs. Yesterday was overwhelming, being around Ryan's large family. I am so used to calm and quiet. I can already hear the kids playing as I slip on my jeans and one of my old UW sweatshirts. Wrapping my hair on top of my head in a messy bun, I hear a knock on the bathroom door.