Fading

  I open the box, and I know it's the original publisher's box. Pulling out my favorite book from my childhood, I open it up to see the publishing date is 1935.

  Shaking my head, I say, "But this is a collector's edition. How...?"

  "When I was a little girl, I loved this book. My grandmother bought this for me when she found it in a rundown antique shop. I bought a current published version for the kids that I keep out, and when I saw you reading it, I figured you would appreciate having this version."

  When I start to shake my head again, she places her hand on top of one of the original prints of Frances Hodgson Burnett's book, 'A Little Princess,' and says, "Like I said, it's an old book that has been sitting at the top of my closet for years, doing nothing but collecting dust."

  Tears prick my eyes when I think about what this book was for me when I was growing up. In a way, I felt a lot like the girl, Sara. She believed herself to be a princess, and even though her world was falling apart at the hands of someone else, she pulled through, despite the cruelty she suffered. I hadn't read it in years, but when I saw it at Donna's house, I read it again and found it to be just as meaningful as an adult as it was when I was a child.

  I set the book in its box on my lap and lean over to hug her. "I can't tell you what this means to me. Thank you."

  "Thank you for accepting it."

  When she sits back, she smiles and says, swiftly taking the focus off of her non-present, "So, tell me, when do you find out about your audition?"

  Placing the cover back on the box, I say, "Today, actually. It should be posted this afternoon around five."

  "Either way, I am so proud of you."

  Hearing those words from her, every time she says them, fills little empty places in my heart. I never got to hear those words from my parents, so hearing them now does tremendous things to me.

  "Tell me about this production. How many dances will I get to see you in?"

  "You're coming?" I ask.

  "Are you kidding me? I can't wait to see you dance."

  Again, filling up little pieces of my heart.

  Smiling, I tell her all about the three ensemble pieces I will be dancing. While I talk, she asks questions and is sincerely interested. We continue to enjoy each other's company and relax in our slow lazy morning. When we finish up, we decide to walk around the block and into some of the little boutique and fragrance shops. We both buy a few things here and there as we hop from store to store.

  When I look at the woman Donna is, it's hard for me to imagine what her life used to be like with Ryan's father. Ryan told me that the night his dad died, he had beaten Donna pretty badly, smashing a coffee mug into the back of her head. Ryan was just coming home from a party and walked in on it. He said he lost all control of himself and started throwing punches. His dad managed to grab a knife from the counter and that's how Ryan got the scar on his ribs.

  Once his dad died, Donna was determined to put that life behind them. Seeing them now, you would never know the hell they lived with. I know that Ryan still deals with the memories of it all. He told me that he's scared that he'll wind up like his father, and that's why he's never wanted to get serious with a girl. So he got pretty good at shutting down when he was with women. I hate to think about him being like that; I can't even picture him as that person because all I have ever known is the way he's always been with me.

  Leaving the last store, we make our way back to the loft so that Donna can pack and start driving back to Cannon Beach. It's a little after twelve by the time we get back, and Ryan is waiting on us.

  "Damn, that was a long breakfast," he says when we walk through the door carrying all of our shopping bags. Walking over to us, he kisses his mom and then me before taking the bags and setting them on the table.

  "Sorry, time got away from us. If I didn't have to go home, I would have spent the whole day with her."

  Ryan throws his arm around my shoulder and teases his mother. "Well, thanks for bringing her back, I'm sick of sharing her."

  "Ryan!" I say as I nudge him playfully in the gut.

  "Sorry, babe, but it's the truth," he says, then starts facetiously ravaging my neck.

  "Okay, kids. I've seen enough. I'm going to go pack," Donna says, as she's already halfway down the hall.

  "Ryan, that tickles," I chuckle out, trying to wriggle out of his arms, but it only encourages him. Picking me up off the ground, he carries me to the couch and lays me down. Softening his kisses, he asks, "Did you have a good time this morning?"

  "Uh huh," is all I can manage to say when he licks the hollow of my neck.

  "Ryan, we should stop."

  "Why?" He says this without taking his lips off of me.

  "Because your mom is about to leave, and you should go spend a little time with her before she goes."

  He lets out a sexy groan and pulls away. "Okay, but I'm not done with you," he says as he starts to walk away.

  I give the two of them some alone time to visit while I start unpacking my new purchases. After hanging up my new dresses in Ryan's closet, I put my new bottle of perfume on the bathroom counter. When I look around his room and see my things, it makes me happy to be sharing this space with him, but it also reminds me that I'm not at home with Kimber. I've been so wrapped up in Ryan these past few weeks that I haven't thought much about her, but now I wonder. Wonder how she's feeling about everything, wonder if she's mad that I left again, wonder if I can mend this fracture between us.

  "Candace," Ryan hollers from downstairs.

  "Coming," I say, and when I get to the door where Donna is standing with her bags, I suddenly feel a twinge of sadness creep over me. A part of me doesn't want her to leave. She's become someone special to me, and having her near brings a peace that I've been missing all my life.

  I don't say anything when I reach her, I just let her hug me, and when I feel the tears puddle in my eyes, I pull back. When she sees my sadness, her face pains. I blink, and the tears roll down my cheeks.

  "Dear," she says softly before pulling me back into her arms, and I feel Ryan's supportive hand on my back.

  "Come see me, okay?"

  When I let go of her, I nod my head, not able to speak around the knot in my throat. Ryan wraps his arms around me from behind, and I lean back into him.

  "When is your next break?"

  Ryan answers for me, knowing that I don't like to talk when I get like this. "She has the last two weeks of this month off before her last quarter."

  Looking at me, she says, "You and Ryan come visit, okay?"

  As I nod my head, she picks up her bags, and Ryan says, "Mom, let me take those out for you."

  "That's okay. I've got it. Stay in here with her."

  "Thanks for coming, Mom. Call me when you get home."

  "I will, and call me when you find out about the solo."

  "We will," he responds.

  When the door closes, Ryan turns me around in his arms and holds me until I can compose myself enough to pull away.

  Cupping my head in his hands, I look up at him when he asks, "You okay, babe?"

  "I hate that she lives so far away. I really like having her around."

  Wiping my tears with the pads of his thumbs, he says, "I know you do. We'll go visit her when you're on your break."

  I rest my head back against his chest, and I take a moment before saying, "My parents never even called me."

  He runs his hand up the back of my head and grips me close when I add, "I mean...I knew they wouldn't, but it still hurts."

  "I know it does."

  I inhale a deep breath and let it out when he says, "Come on, let's go grab something to eat before we go to the campus."

  "Sounds good. Give me a few minutes to freshen up?"

  "Of course."

  We have a long lunch at Eastlake Bar and Grill before driving to UW. We park and walk to Meany Theater. Walking up, I can see a crowd of fellow dancers walking inside to see if their name is one of the two that will be li
sted. I feel the butterflies in my stomach and turn to Ryan, "Can we just go for a walk first?"

  "What? Don't you want to find out if you got it?"

  "Yeah, but not around everyone else."

  Holding my hand, he turns the other direction. By the time we walk through the quad and back to the theater, the crowd has dissipated, and we walk inside. My palms start to sweat when I see the white sheet of paper taped to the wall. When I step closer, I let out a loud sigh in disbelief. Shaking my head, I turn to Ryan and say, "I can't believe it."

  "Believe it."

  My rapid breathing slowly turns into laughter, and I sling my arms around Ryan's neck as he picks me up. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I squeal out, "I really can't believe it!"

  Looking up at me, he smiles, wide and gorgeous. I lean my head down and kiss him, but it doesn't last long with my excitement. When I look up, I see Ms. Emerson and Sergej walk through a set of double doors. I jump out of Ryan's arms and try to reel in my emotions, but I can't seem to wipe the cheesy smile off my face.

  When they walk past me, Ms. Emerson stops to face me. I notice a small twitch in the corner of her mouth as she gives a slight nod of her head before turning and walking out the door. Spinning around to Ryan, I can't contain myself, and I cover my face with my hands as I feel a weight being lifted from my chest that I never knew was there.

  "Come over here," Ryan says, and I walk to him, straight into his embrace. "You're amazing, you know that?"

  Looking up at him, I confess, "Because of you."

  "No, babe. It's all you."

  Today has been a mixture of emotions, and after I finish brushing my teeth, Ryan slides his arms around my waist from behind and starts kissing my neck. We watch each other in the reflection of the mirror, and when I turn around to face him, he picks me up and sets me on the edge of the sink. Tilting my head back to look up at him, he says, "You're fuckin' gorgeous."

  He makes me laugh as he leans down to kiss me. My legs wrap around his waist, and I twine my fingers in his hair when he picks me up. When we fall into bed, he trails his kisses down my neck, and my body starts to shiver. He slowly pulls back and gazes down at me with an intensity burning in his eyes. Sliding my hand up his chest, I wrap it around his neck and pull him back to me.

  Our kisses are slow and with a passion I haven't felt before. I thrust my tongue into his mouth and taste him, throwing myself into our kiss. His arms band tightly around me, and I've never felt so safe. My mind blurs, and I begin to lose myself in his touch.

  When he lifts my back off the bed, I'm barely thinking when I pull off my top as he lets out a low groan. Lowering me back down, he shifts his hips between my legs and drags his head down to my breasts.

  We've never moved quite like this before, but a part of me doesn't want to stop. What I feel for this man is more than I ever thought I was capable of feeling. For a while, I thought I would never truly laugh again, but with Ryan, I'm my happiest. He gives me what I have been desperate for. Feeling him on my fingertips is enough to take me over, and I now want more.

  Dragging his mouth from me, he pants, "We should stop."

  I'm not sure I want to though. I know I will never love anyone the way I love him; he's all I want.

  "Don't."

  "Babe," he says in heavy breath, searching my face.

  When I look up in his eyes, I see all I ever want to see. He loves me in a way I never thought I could be loved.

  "I don't want you to stop."

  "I need you to talk to me."

  I can tell he's unsure, I see it in his face.

  "I don't want to stop tonight."

  He closes his eyes and drops his head to mine. "Please tell me this is okay." When I nod my head against his, he says, "I need to hear you say it, babe."

  Cupping his face in my hands, I say, "It's okay. I want this, with you, I just...I don't know if I can."

  There is a worry in his eyes that I don't want him to have. Although I'm scared, I know I want him.

  I take his hand with my trembling one and place it back on my breast and whisper, "Just touch me."

  He leans down and kisses me, long and slow while he slides his hand underneath my bra strap and slips it off my shoulder. I've never taken my clothes off in front of him before, and I feel the anxiety pool in my belly as he slides the other strap down, kissing my bare shoulder along the way. Pulling the fabric down, my pulse quickens, and in a moment of nervousness I confess, "I'm scared. I've never..."

  Sweeping my hair back, he assures me, "It's just you and me. You're all I'll ever want."

  He wraps his arms around me and unhooks my bra, dropping it on the floor. When he looks down at me, he sees my scar.

  "He bit me," I say on a hush.

  I hate that I have Jack's mark on my breast. It torments me to look at. It surprises me when Ryan leans down and kisses the scar.

  "God, you're perfect," he breathes against my skin.

  He drags his kisses down my stomach then sits back on his heels. Taking my hand in his, he places it over his scar on the side of his ribs. With words unspoken, I hear what he's telling me. We're both still alive, together, and we're okay. Brushing his scar with my thumb, I bring my hands to his stomach, feeling his defined lines under my touch as my fingers slide up, around his neck, and tangle into his hair. I pull him down and lose myself in him.

  My legs begin to quiver when he hooks his thumbs inside the waistband of my pants. He strokes his knuckles across my belly before gently tugging down. When I lift my hips, he pulls off my pants and underwear, tossing them aside. I watch as he removes his pants, and when we are both naked, he lowers himself back on me and my whole body is trembling. He pulls the covers over us, and I start to wonder if maybe I can't do this. I want to, but I'm so scared. I have nothing good to associate with this, and I'm not sure I can.

  Holding himself up on his elbows, he says, "Babe, you're shaking."

  "What if I can't do this?"

  "Then we stop."

  Nodding my head, I am filled with nerves.

  "We'll move as slow as you need. You just tell me when to stop."

  "I don't want you to stop."

  Giving me a smile, he leans down and kisses me. I wrap my arms around his neck and part my lips for him. He slides his tongue across my lower lip before he dips it into my mouth. We meld together as I run my hands down his neck and over his chest. His muscles are hard and cut beneath my hands, and I've never really taken my time to explore him until now. He's a lot larger than me, and I feel tiny underneath him, sheltered. I take my lips from him, skimming them across his tattooed covered shoulder to his neck.

  I need him when he grazes his hand over my breast and takes me in his mouth. I let out a soft moan when he slides his tongue over my nipple and gently sucks. My body heats, and I arch myself into him.

  "Ryan," I breathe out.

  He drags his damp lips up my neck before saying, "You sure?"

  When I say yes, he takes a moment to make sure we're safe and protected. Resting his forehead against mine, he says, "Tell me that you want this, that you want me."

  And when I say, "I want you to make love to me," he reaches down and slowly starts to push into me. I tense up at the touch, having never experienced it in this way.

  He pulls back slightly and says, "Are you okay?"

  I nod my head and whisper, "Yeah," before he continues to ease himself inside of me. Letting out a gasp of breath, he drops his head in the crook of my neck.

  "Fuck, you feel so good, babe."

  My legs are tense around his hips as he holds himself in me. Clenching my eyes shut, I can feel the few tears that have escaped and are rolling down the sides of my face. Tears of nerves and tears of overwhelming love.

  "Open your eyes, Candace. Look at me."

  "Don't make me look," I softly plead. I'm afraid if I watch him, it will remind me too much of watching Jack. I'm scared.

  "Baby, please open your eyes. I need you to be here with me. It's o
nly me."

  When I cautiously open them, I can see the concern in his eyes.

  I focus on him and gradually begin to soften myself into him and relax. He takes his time as he starts to gently move inside of me. The room begins to fill with our soft moans and breaths of pleasure, never taking our eyes off of each other. He wraps me up in his strong arms, and I cling my hands around him as we slowly move together.

  "God, I love you," he sighs.

  I lean my head up to kiss him, needing more of him. "I love you," I whisper against his lips.

  He's all around me, and my breathing grows heavy as the air thickens.

  He takes my hand and laces his fingers with mine, holding on tightly to each other as he pushes himself deeper inside of me. Grabbing behind my knee, he pulls my leg up around him then runs his hand up my thigh, gripping onto my hip. I'm overcome with the closeness I feel with him on top of me, with him inside of me.

  I push my hips against his hold, needing to move with him. Letting go, he runs his hand up my side and into my hair, threading, and gently grabbing. The pleasure he gives me runs from my thighs through my core and up my chest where my heart is enduring most of the intensity. I can no longer keep my eyes open when I begin to feel a swarm of sensations deep inside. I realize I've never felt this before, and my legs clench apprehensively to his hips.

  "Relax, babe."

  I hang on tightly around his neck as the feeling begins to build. When my hand jerks in his, he says, "Open your eyes. Stay with me."

  They flutter open, and I see the want in his gaze. His face is heated and flushed, and when a whimper escapes me, my breath catches.

  "Baby, let go for me."

  `I lock my eyes with his as I fall and begin to shudder beneath him, giving him every piece of me as the intense pleasure radiates through my body. I feel myself pulse and tighten around him as he buries his head in my neck, grunting my name, and I feel his release.

  Wrapping my legs tightly around him, I try desperately to hold back the tears that are threatening. I'm completely overwhelmed with emotions. To me, that was my first time. He's what I have always needed. Being with him like this, together in this special place that only we share, I know I'll never love anyone the way I love him.