Fading

  "I'm sure."

  Kimber heads back to her room, and I bag up the vegetables I was cutting and put everything back in the refrigerator. I can't even think about eating when I am this upset. I pick up my phone and decide to turn it off for the night so I don't have to hear it when my father calls. After a hot shower, I start to relax. I know I should probably check to see if my dad has called, but I don't have the energy to deal with it tonight.

  Waking up the next morning, I'm surprised that I'm still pissed off about the fight I had with my mother. I throw the sheets off of me and walk over to my dresser. I pull out a pair of cutoff knee-length sweats, sports bra, and a loose fitting grey tank top. I get dressed, grab my dance bag, and throw in my pointes. After brushing my teeth and pulling my hair up in a messy bun, I go to the kitchen to grab a breakfast bar. I toss a couple bottles of water and an apple into my bag and make a cup of coffee to take with me. Throwing my bag across my chest, I head out to my car.

  When I walk into the studio, I drop my bag onto the floor. I walk over to the stereo, plug in my iPod, turn up the speakers, and hit play. I sit on the floor with my legs stretched out, and I lower myself between them and begin to warm up my muscles. The melodic strains of Yann Tiersen's 'Comptine d'un Autre Ete' fill the room as I begin to stretch.

  Feeling warm and loose, I grab my bag. I start taping my toes and stuffing my toe pads with new lamb's wool. Sliding on my pointes, I lace the ribbons around my ankles. This is what I love about ballet—the familiar rituals.

  With the music filling the room, I grab the barre and begin to work. I start the very methodical routine: pliès, tendu, degagè. Feeling my muscles stretch, I continue to work the rest of the exercises, freeing my mind of all my stresses, and focusing on nothing but my turnout, posture, lines, and movement. Hearing the box of my toe shoes thudding against the worn wooden floor and the gliding of the shredded satin as I work my feet is soothing. I love this feeling of pure focus. Sometimes it's nice to shut out the world and be completely immersed in dance, feeling like there is no life beyond the walls of this studio. It's freeing.

  After an hour or so, I end my barre work with grand battement, working on my high kicks. As I finish, I begin to feel slightly light-headed. I sit down and grab my water, downing it in just a few seconds. I remove my shoes and tape, lie on my back, close my eyes, and breathe. I know as soon as I walk out of here, the stress of my mother will creep in. So I just lie on the floor.

  After leaving the studio, I sit in my car and call my dad. I just want to get it over with. I talk to him on my drive home and the conversation is the same as always. I apologize to him for my outburst, and he makes excuses for my mother. The conversation couldn't have ended any sooner. I was done with it.

  'The Edge of Glory' by Lady Gaga is blaring throughout the house while Kimber and I get ready for our night out. I'm looking forward to seeing Jack, which is a bit odd for me because I never really take that much interest in guys.

  I pick out a pair of cute white shorts, a sleeveless satin hot pink top with a white Moroccan pattern, and a pair of nude pumps. My hair is down in soft, wavy curls. I apply some lip-gloss before Kimber and I head out.

  We arrive at Remedy, and the place is already packed. Kimber and I walk in and find a few of our friends sitting at a small group of couches that are set off from the dance floor. We make our way over to greet everyone. When I find Jase, he takes my arm and drags me to the bar with him.

  "You thirsty?" I ask sarcastically.

  "Not really. I just saw Mark," he says as we slide onto our barstools.

  "Isn't that the hottie you used to see that plays guitar?"

  "Exactly." He eyes me with a serious look. The bartender approaches, and Jase orders us four shots of tequila and two beers.

  I shoot him a questioning look and say, "Okay, spill it. Clearly you're into getting drunk, so tell me what happened."

  The bartender sets the drinks down in front of us, and Jase slides two of the shots and a beer my way. We clink our tequila shots together and down them quickly.

  "He caught me kissing his roommate," he confesses.

  I start laughing at him and take a swig of my beer. "You can be a slut sometimes, you know?"

  "Trust me. I know," he says and hands me the second shot. We sit there for a while and continue to talk and laugh. Warm arms wrap around my waist, and I turn my head to see Jack standing behind me. He looks good in a pair of worn jeans and a simple black V-neck shirt.

  "Hey, Jack," I say. When I stand up, I feel the effects of consuming the shots so quickly. Plus, I haven't eaten a lot today.

  "Whoa, you okay?" Jack questions as he grabs ahold of my arm.

  "Yeah, just stood up too fast." I turn to Jase and introduce the two guys to each other. When I sit down, Jack does as well and orders us another round of beers.

  "So, what did you do today?" Jack asks.

  "I spent the morning at the dance studio to get in some practice. Then I came home and took it easy for the rest of the day. You?"

  "Been harassing the new pledges at the frat house." He laughs and takes a drink of his beer.

  I sneak a quick glance at Jase and roll my eyes. Frat guys were never my thing. Maybe it's their arrogance, but I didn't catch that about Jack when we went out the other night.

  Jack leans in close to my ear and whispers, "You wanna dance?"

  Taking my hand in his, he helps me off the barstool, and we make our way to the crowded dance floor. I start to move to the beat of the music that blasts throughout the club. 'Push It' by Garbage is playing, and I lose myself in the sea of people dancing around me along with the flashing lights and loud music.

  Jack is behind me, and I feel his arms as they slide across my stomach, underneath the hem of my top. He moves in sync with me as I dance to the rhythm of the song. I can already feel drops of sweat trickling down my spine, and it must be the tequila that is making me feel bold when I reach up behind me and wrap my hand around the back of his neck. I feel the stubble on his jaw as he glides his chin along my damp neck and takes a soft bite. Shit, that's hot.

  Turning me around in his arms, I can see the heat in his darkening eyes. I rake my fingers through the hair on the back of his head as he pulls my hips tight against him, and he leans down and covers my mouth with his.

  I'm not sure what has come over me. Since my conversation with Roxy, I have been a little bit bolder with myself. But here, in the middle of this dance floor, kissing Jack, is pretty damn bold for me.

  Jack and I continue to dance through a few more songs when we decide to take a breather and get a drink. We walk over to our section and sit down on one of the couches. I take a long drink of my beer and nearly choke when Kimber suddenly yanks me off the couch.

  "I've gotta piss," she says to me while looking at Jack.

  "You're such a lady." I smirk at her and give Jack an apologetic look. "I'll be right back," I say to him. He nods back at me while stifling a laugh.

  Kimber is nearly dragging me to the bathroom. As soon as she closes the door behind us she says, "What the hell was that shit on the dance floor all about, hooker?"

  I start laughing. "What are you talking about?"

  "What do you even know about this guy?" she questions.

  "Well, nothing. I guess that's what makes it kinda fun," I say as I lean in to look at myself in the mirror. I lick my finger and swipe it under each of my eyes in an attempt to fix my makeup. "And why are you always spying on me?"

  "Hey, can't blame me for watching. It was hot."

  We both start laughing, and I shake my head, feeling a little embarrassed about the indiscreet show we gave her on the dance floor.

  Kimber and I walk back, and Jack is laughing about something with Jase.

  "What's so funny?" I ask as I make my way to sit in between the two of them.

  Jack grips my thigh, giving it a little squeeze. He leans over and kisses me behind my ear and whispers, "I can't even remember now that you're here."

/>   I look at him with a tiny smirk and shake my head. Sometimes Jack will say things that seem a little too fast, too soon, and it makes me feel slightly embarrassed. I turn away from him and ask Kimber how much longer she wants to stay.

  She looks at her phone and says, "It's a little after one. I guess we can think about calling it a night if you're getting tired."

  I look at Jack and give him an undecided shrug.

  "Why don't we finish our drinks, and I'll drive you home," he says.

  "Okay."

  Kimber jumps up, "Great, well then I'm heading out. If I'm asleep when you get home, wake me up."

  "I shouldn't be out too late, but I will," I say to her.

  Kimber winks at me, then leaves. Jase says his goodbyes as well and heads out shortly after Kimber. I finish my beer and lean against Jack with his arm wrapped around my shoulders. We talk about what we have been doing the past few days. Most of our conversations are pretty easy, even though we don't seem to have a whole lot in common. But, it feels good to be next to him, so I don't really care what we talk about.

  I'm pretty tired on the drive home. Leaning my head against the cold window, I close my eyes. It has been a crazy night for me, and I'm feeling a little confused about Jack but try not to think too much. I'm always thinking too much. When I feel the car start to slow, I open my eyes and roll my head to the side to face Jack.

  It's now raining outside, and the trickling against the car is loud. Jack and I stare at each other in silence. I have missed having the affection of a guy, so I don't object when he leans in to kiss me. He touches the side of my face, and I wrap my hand behind his neck. His kisses are passionate and eager. I part my lips slightly, and he slides his tongue in my mouth and caresses it with mine. Grabbing my hips, he pulls me over the console and on top of him. With my legs straddled on either side of him, I can feel how turned on he is. He has both of his hands buried in my hair as he deepens our kiss. I am totally lost in him.

  A soft moan escapes my lips, and I pull away. Suddenly, I'm thinking again as I look down at his flushed face. What am I doing? This isn't me. I don't act like this and especially not with guys I don't know and hardly care for. Stop thinking, Candace. I lean down and press my lips against his and we begin getting lost in each other again. Well, that's not true. I can't get lost because I can't stop thinking about how this is wrong. I'm only leading him on.

  I manage to break our kiss and rest my forehead against his. My eyes are shut because I'm too embarrassed to look at him. As he runs his hands down my back, he whispers, "It's okay, Candace."

  Pulling back, I look into his dark blue eyes. "Sorry," I whisper back and slowly shake my head.

  "Can I see you again?" he asks as he continues to run his hands slowly up and down my back.

  I know I should be honest with him and say no, but my hormones answer, "Yeah."

  He reaches his hand behind his seat, and I wonder what he's searching for. He grins at me as he hands me an umbrella.

  I laugh softly, "Thanks."

  "Come on. I'll walk with you."

  "No, it's fine. Don't worry."

  He lifts up and plants a chaste kiss on my lips. "I'll call you, okay?"

  "Okay," I say as I climb off of his lap and out of the car.

  I make my way inside the house and slip off my heels.

  "Kim, you awake?" I whisper loudly as I walk into her room.

  She rolls over in bed and says, "Yeah. Come here, I want all the dirty details." She sits up and turns on the lamp that's on her nightstand. I walk over, sit down next to her, and let out a long sigh.

  "I think he likes me."

  "So, what's the problem?"

  I look over at her, then flop back onto the bed and stare at the ceiling, "The problem is, I'm only trying to have a little fun, but it feels wrong. There is just nothing there, yet I keep kissing him, and I'm only leading him on. He asked to see me again, and my stupid mouth said yes."

  Kimber lays down next to me, "So, see him one more time, and just tell him. Honestly, Candace, I think you're being hard on yourself and making this a bigger deal than it actually is."

  I turn to face her. "You're right."

  "I always am." She gives me a grin, and then asks, "Did you kiss him good-bye?"

  "More like straddled his thighs, grabbed his hair, and let him shove his tongue in my mouth," I say, and then I burst out laughing as I cover my heated face with my hands.

  "You little hooker!"

  I jump off the bed, still laughing. "Good night, Kim," I say in a singsong voice as I head to my room.

  "Night, slut!" I hear her yell down the hall.

  I'm working in the back, restocking supplies, when I hear Roxy shout for me from up front. I stop what I'm doing, walk to the front counter, and see Jase. I spoke to him the morning after our night out at Remedy. He ran into Mark out in the parking lot and ended up talking to him for a while and Mark decided to give Jase a second chance.

  "Hey, Candace," he says as he leans in to give me a peck on my lips. "I've been trying to call you."

  "Oh, sorry. I was at the studio this morning and let the battery drain on my cell, and I never remembered to plug it in to recharge," I said. "I'll go do that now before I forget again." I run into the back and grab my phone and the charging cord. When I walk back up front, I plug it in by the register.

  "So, I wanted to see if you and Kimber could get together with Mark and I later tonight?" Jase asks while he's leaning against the counter.

  "I'd love to, but I'm working late tonight. How about tomorrow afternoon?" I ask. "We can do a cookout at our house."

  "That sounds great. I really fucked up with him, and I want to make it right. Plus, I want you guys to meet him."

  Resting on my elbows, I look up at him and say, "Of course, Jase."

  "Great, I'll call him and let him know," he says, then leans down to kiss my forehead. I smile up at him as he turns to leave.

  I notice my phone automatically turns on once it gets enough life in it. Picking it up, I swipe the screen to look at all my missed calls and texts. I see I have a missed text from Jack, and I tap to open it up.

  You free Monday night? Frat house always throws a huge party after the first day of classes.

  "What are you reading over there?" Roxy asks as she is steaming some milk for a customer's drink.

  Looking up at her, I say, "I'm reading a text from Jack. He wants me to go to some party, and I'm not sure how to respond." I look back down at his text and stare.

  After Roxy finishes up with her customer, she walks over to me. "What do you mean 'you don't know how to respond'? What's going on?"

  I lift my arms off the counter and step away to face her. Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I say, "I need to distance myself from him. I think he wants more than I do. I mean, I don't want anything, so..."

  "Just tell him you can't go. Or go, and tell him later that you just don't have time for a relationship right now," she says.

  I pick up my phone to respond.

  What time?

  I walk over to pour myself a cup of coffee when I hear my phone chime.

  "That was fast," I hear Roxy say.

  "No kidding." Walking back to my phone, I set down my mug, and tap on his message.

  Pick you up around 10?

  Okay, I'll see you then.

  Miss you.

  "Shit," I mumble quietly and set the phone down, wanting to pretend I didn't see that last text.

  "What are you 'shitting' about?"

  I take a sip of my coffee and then toss Roxy my phone. Sitting on my stool, I watch her closely as she reads through the texts. I notice her eyes get big, and I know she finally reached the text that is starting to make me panic slightly.

  "Okay, it's not that—"

  "You know I don't do well with this stuff. I never make it to date number two and now this guy says he misses me." I feel my heartbeat start to quicken and, yes, that is definitely panic I am feeling. I don't deal with in
timate relationships well at all. In fact, I'm pretty closed off emotionally with guys. I've never had any closeness with my parents, then the one guy I thought at least liked me in high school turned out to be just another asshole. I feel like I'm emotionally moronic.

  I look up to see that Roxy is laughing at me. "It's not funny!"

  "It actually is a little bit," she says. "Relax, don't respond. He probably won't even notice. Guys are stupid anyway."

  I hope she's right. I hope he isn't sitting there waiting for me to text him back to say that I miss him too. I don't like opening myself up like that.

  The next day, Kimber and I get ready for the cookout. I'm in the kitchen preparing the burgers for the grill, and Kimber is chopping up veggies for a salad. Jase has never bothered to introduce us to any guys in the past, so I know he must really like Mark. I don't know much about him aside from the fact that he plays guitar for a local band.

  "Hey, Kim, has Jase ever talked to you about Mark before?" I ask as I pound out another hamburger patty.

  "Not much. He was pretty pissed off at himself when they broke up, so I figured he had really cared for him but didn't realize it until they split." Kimber slides the salad in the fridge then opens a bag of chips to pour in a bowl.

  "Hmm..."

  "What?" Sheeyes me as she pops a chip in her mouth.

  I walk to the sink to wash my hands. "Nothing." I shake my head. "Just curious."

  "We're here," Jase calls out.

  I walk into the living room and give him a hug.

  "Mark, this is Candace," Jase says as I pull away.

  I turn to Mark, "Hey! It's great to meet you. Come on in. We're in the kitchen getting the food ready," I say as I start walking towards the kitchen.

  "Hey, Jase," Kimber says with a mouth full of chips.

  Jase looks at Mark then back at Kimber. "And this crazy girl is Kimber."

  "Nice you meet you guys," Mark says with a grin.