Darker Water

  “That’s not why I’m here,” she said, shaking her head, “and it’s not what’s going to happen.”

  “Only because I won’t let it.” It all seemed so obvious now. People don’t change. She was just like my mom and Anna, and I almost fell for it. “If you had your way, I’d be just like the rest of your frogs. Keep me close until you think you’re in love, because you know that as soon as it happens, I’ll leave you. Because that’s all you think you deserve.”

  She was openly crying now, her knees tucked up to her chest, her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

  “I’m just another one, aren’t I? I almost fell for it. I almost fell for you.” Fuck it. I did fall for her. “I can’t wait to see you, I smile like a shithead every time I see it’s you calling, I want you to stay over every single night because I sleep better when you’re next to me and the next day always seems brighter, better.”

  I kept talking, not knowing which of us I was hurting more. But better it happen now than when it was too late. “Being with you makes me feel like I’m more of a man, because I know without a doubt that I would do whatever it took to protect you.” My voice caught. “So that’s what I’m finally doing. I’m telling you to go away.”

  She lifted her head to say one word: “No.”

  Chapter 30 - Laney

  He moved so fast, he was on the bed before I’d even registered his reaction. He yanked me down and spread my legs open, setting his body between them.

  “Do you want me to hurt you, Lane? Is that what you need from me? What you want?”

  I shivered. His weight seemed heavier than it had ever been before, his voice lower and crueler and more intimidating.

  “No,” I said. But he’d been right about everything else. The truth seemed so obvious when he said it, as if the reasons only became real when they were spoken. “I don’t want you to hurt me. I want you to love me.”

  He let out a shuddered breath. “You know I can’t.”

  “All I know is you’ve never tried.”

  His lips crushed mine, punishing and desperate. His hand found my core, his touch commanding but not hurtful. Controlling my pleasure. He knew my body, what it needed. What it wanted. And even though I didn’t understand what was happening between us, nothing could stop me from coming, crying his name halfway in and halfway out of his mouth. He kept stroking me gently, slowly letting me come down from the high. But he wasn’t done. He was just giving me a chance to catch my breath before his touch became firmer, more insistent.

  “Be inside me, Carson. Please, I need you inside me.”

  Even as he shook his head, he slipped on a condom and pushed into me, both of us moaning. Each stroke brought us closer together, like we were supposed to be.

  “This is what I can give you, Lane.” His thrusts got stronger. “We can do this. And it’s good, right?”

  “So good.” Every word took air neither of us could get.

  He was so deep, slamming into me so hard, it would’ve felt like a punishment if it didn’t feel so fucking amazing. “I can give you this, but you can’t ask me for more. Tell me this is enough.”

  Was it? I couldn’t answer. Not now. Not when he was making me feel like this. Being with him was more than I’d ever wanted physically. But what about everything else? I couldn’t choose until I could think.

  “Yes or no, Lane. Is this enough?” As if his cock didn’t feel incredible enough, he slipped his hand between us and used his thumb to stroke me with exactly the pressure I needed.

  “I can’t...oh...I can’t think.” I put my hands above my head, tensing my arms every time he pushed into me so I wouldn’t be shoved into the headboard. “Don’t make me choose.”

  For a moment a shadow passed over his face, disappointment that I didn’t answer maybe. What did he want? Which answer did he really want? To let him keep me from getting too close or to force him to take me all the way in.

  “I can’t.” I didn’t know how I felt, what I wanted, or what I could handle. “This isn’t fair.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Carson,” I moaned as everything collided—physical and emotional, pleasure and hurt. He followed me over, pressing deeper and clutching me to him, groaning against my neck. A tremor went through his body as we both tried to catch our breaths.

  He didn’t pull out, keeping us connected. Our bodies, at least. “I can’t love you, Lane. Ever.” Even though the words were whispered, a tiny vibration against my skin, they thundered in my ears. “Tell me this is enough. That you don’t want something I can’t give you. Tell me we can have this and you won’t need more. Say it.”

  “Okay,” I lied, knowing it was already too late. Knowing that even though he would never feel the same way I did, I couldn’t let him go. “It’s enough.”

  “Yeah?” he asked, his voice so eager and hopeful.

  “Yeah. Everything’s gonna be fine… Like before. Nothing has to change.”

  I made it all the way home before I started crying.

  Chapter 31 - Carson

  I saw my brother as soon as I walked through the door—same table in the same restaurant we always met at. Not that we met very often. I was the only guy whose sleeves were tattooed on, but the servers didn’t hassle me because they knew I tipped well.

  “I have to get back soon, so I ordered for both of us.” Sure. Hayden’s office hours were from nine am to five am the next day, even on weekends.

  “Very romantic, bro, but you’re not getting any.”

  Hayden didn’t smile because Hayden never smiled because Hayden was never happy. He wore his melancholy well, though, and the only reason it was so glaringly obvious to me was because over the years we’d had a couple conversations. Not many, because our family saw emotions as something other people had, at least while we were sober. Even though Hayden is about the same size as I am, he’s always been a lightweight.

  But to someone who didn’t know what a train wreck he’d lived with until Renee shipped him off to boarding school, he looked pretty damn perfect. Professional, way more socially acceptable and better behaved than I was, hardworking, and with no idea how to have a good time.

  My theory was that he worked so much so he didn’t have to be at home with his wife. Clare was great and really nice to look at, but it didn’t take more than two minutes to figure out there was absolutely no connection between them. That was probably why Hayden managed to look lonely in a crowd of people.

  “Why have I been summoned today, big brother?” I asked.

  Hayden put his napkin on his lap. “I heard you’ve been giving Mom money.”

  “So?”

  “Why?” He held up his hand. “Don’t answer that. I know why and I think it’s a terrible idea, not to mention incredibly unhealthy. If you don’t want to have a relationship with her, fine, but don’t pay her off and think that’s enough.”

  “Why not? It seems to work pretty damn well most of the time.” I rolled my eyes at his glare. “She blew all of it. Did you know that? Everything Dad left her, and everything she could get out of her other husbands. She generously donated it all to Saks and Gucci. They thanked her by giving her shit she doesn’t need and only uses once or twice.” Our mother was a piece. Thank goodness there was always another guy to treat her like a queen in public and a pauper at home.

  “I also heard what happened after the Walk—her side at least. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it, by the way.” Since Hayden was one of the few board members I actually liked, I knew he wanted to be there. “Clare and I donated a little extra online.”

  “To pay me off?” I sighed and waited until the server left before speaking again. “She’s going right back in for another round, Hayden. Doesn’t that bother you? Even if there weren’t a whole bunch of other tragic reasons, she wants to live a certain lifestyle, and she doesn’t have the funds to do it. I wanted to give her a chance.” Again and again and again. “If that means sending her a check every month, then I’ll send her a check every
month. Although, she’s doing it anyway so it didn’t work after all, did it? Unfortunately, she’s not only the gold-digger I always thought she was. I guess she needs something other than money.”

  Without saying it outright—because we never did—Hayden knew exactly what I was talking about. We had the same father and had seen and felt a lot of the same things. Including, but not limited to, belts, hardcover books, and fists.

  Hayden was a few years older than me and had already been out of the house for a while when our dad died, so he’d missed all the fun years after that. The years when our mother went from asshole to asshole, dragging her younger son along for the ride, keeping him close instead of sending him to boarding school like she had with Hayden. But it didn’t matter who’d gotten more of it or from whom—damage is damage.

  I could have run away or moved in with Hayden when he turned eighteen, but back then I’d been stupid enough to think that being with her was actually doing something to help her. He didn’t know about any of the shit that was going on. Not until a lot later. When we both got shit-faced and I got chatty.

  For a reason I didn’t understand, Hayden had always known it wasn’t normal. Maybe it was because I’d known so many of them—every man Renee picked was just like our father. So I’d grown up thinking that hurting the ones you claim to love is what a man did. I spent a lot of nights with a lot of tears, wishing I wouldn’t have to do it someday.

  All the assholes who said they loved my mother couldn’t keep their hands off her. Some of them couldn’t keep their hands off me, either. Not in a touchy-feely way. No—when I got touched, it was with a fist.

  I remembered the night I found out that it wasn’t normal. The look on my friend’s face when I asked him what he usually got hit with. All men have their weapon of choice. But this kid’s dad didn’t. This kid’s dad punished by grounding him or taking away the keys to his car. At the time, Renee and I had been living with Anna and her dad for about a year. His weapon of choice was leather. That fucker sure liked leather.

  The next day I’d talked to Anna about something real for the first time. She didn’t talk back. She didn’t say a word, even though I went after her, trying to make her understand. From that point on, I wanted to take care of her—clean her up and get her ice whenever she needed it.

  “How many times have you tried to get Mom out?” Hayden asked. “How many times has she wanted your help?” He shrugged. “Unfortunately, we can’t decide for her. Someday maybe, which is why I keep in touch with her, but it’s up to her. It’s not your responsibility, little brother. Just like it’s not your fault.”

  People always say that. They also say, ‘if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem,’ and a whole bunch of other contradictory shit.

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Think hard,” Hayden said. “I hear you had to write a big check to someone else recently, too.”

  Did he mean—? “The guy from the bar fight?” I shoved back from the table. “I need to fire all those assholes. Did the whole client-confidentiality thing get thrown out while I wasn’t looking?”

  “They work for me too, and Scott is on the board. What you do affects the foundation, Carson.”

  “As if I don’t know that. Yes, I paid.” In coin, at least. “But no, it wasn’t a big check—it was a regular-sized one. I don’t think banks will cash the big cardboard ones.”

  He completely ignored my attempt at humor and tossed his napkin on the table. “Nothing like that can ever happen again, Carson. I don’t care how good your reasons were—it can’t happen again.”

  “It won’t.”

  “Good. So tell me about this girl.”

  I groaned. “She’s a friend.”

  “Benefits or no?”

  “What the hell?” We didn’t talk about this stuff. Ever. But Hayden just sat there with an expectant look on his face. “Yes. Okay, yes. There are benefits. Great benefits. Don’t tell Renee, though. It will give her an excuse to call me.”

  “Do you treat her well?”

  I leaned back in my chair, not even pretending to eat anymore. “Yeah, I treat her well.”

  “Do you think it’s going to turn into something?”

  I paused. “No. She’s great but…no. Neither of us want that.”

  Hayden laughed but it was a sad laugh, something deeper. “Someday it won’t matter what you want. Hopefully someday, with someone, you won’t have a choice. She’ll come into your life and show you how wrong you’ve been about everything you’ve ever known. And you won’t stand a chance against her, little brother.”

  For the first time, I saw life in my brother’s eyes. And, as good as it was to see, it also scared the shit out of me. Because Hayden never laughed and there was never a spark in his eyes—that just wasn’t who he was. And if my older, stable, logical brother was doing things he’d never done before, anything was possible. Well, almost anything.

  “Nah,” I said. “We both want to keep things just like they are.”

  Chapter 32 - Laney

  For the next few days, I made excuses about why I couldn’t see Carson. They were all true—I’d been completely neglecting my business and everything else. But that had nothing to do with the real reason I didn’t want to see him.

  I needed time. A chance to think about what he’d said. He was wrong—I didn’t want to be hurt. I wanted to be loved.

  Idiot.

  Since that was a no-win scenario, I tried remembering what a basket case I’d been a few months ago and why I’d decided love was bullshit. As each day went by, I got better and better at convincing myself I’d been wrong. It was a momentary delusion. What the hell did I know about love? I’d confused things in the past, multiple times, so in six months from now, I’d probably look back on what I was feeling and laugh at how stupid I’d been.

  Love is a two-way street, right? Doesn’t everyone say that? So when I took my head out of my ass, I understood that I was misinterpreting my emotions because I still hadn’t completely shaken the old me. Realizing that made me glad to have Carson in my life because he was the only person who wouldn’t judge me for my fuck-up, even when it involved him.

  It would be okay. Nothing had to change.

  Oh my god, what complete bullshit. Everything had changed, for me at least. Now it was just finding the balls to face it. I was pretty sure that wasn’t going to happen for a long time. Hopefully before it did, I’d remember love was a fairytale and sex was only sex.

  I was deep in the midst of my Saturday morning ritual—pajamas, coffee, and couch—when I heard a knock on the door. My mind instantly went to Carson, with something like excitement. But I still needed time before I was ready for us to go back to our old selves, to the pre-delusional-Laney times. So, I slowed down.

  “Oh.” I blew out a breath of disappointment. Multiple counts of disappointment. Not only was he not the man I wanted to see, he was Kevin, the last guy I’d turned into a frog. The guy who, though perfect on paper, was anything but in reality. I’d actually pictured myself having a future with this asshole—kids, house, dog. Back then I hadn’t understood what passion was and had confused it with contentment. I’d been content with him—not happy or unhappy. Just…content.

  His smile looked forced, and he was holding a white bag and a coffee carrier with two cups.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “I tried to call you but—”

  “I changed my number.” Too bad I didn’t change my address, too.

  “Can I come in?”

  “I’m not sure. How would Brittany feel about that?”

  “We’re not together anymore.” What a shocker.

  “That’s too bad, but I’m actually not interested in being your backup plan.”

  “That’s not why I’m here.” Right, of course, he was only here to apologize for being such a douche. It had nothing to do with him being dumped and feeling sad and horny. “Can we talk for a few minutes? Please.
”

  I sighed, but stepped back and let him inside. After excusing myself, I went to put on my robe. When I came back into the living room, Kevin was sitting on the couch, and I had a flashback. He was sitting in exactly the same place, but only wearing his boxers because we’d just had sex. Okay sex. What I used to think was good sex.

  He smiled at me as he leaned back, making himself at home. Even though the image was the same and he was the same, I wasn’t. I didn’t want anything from him—not even an apology. But after everything that had happened lately, I wasn’t up to another argument, so I’d hear him out, pretend to be sad he screwed up his own life, and then ask him to leave.

  When I heard another knock on the door, I knew it was Carson. Had to be. I still wasn’t sure I was ready to see him, but at least he’d be able to get Kevin to leave with just one glare.

  “Gotta get that.” I practically ran to the door, opening it only to be pushed backwards by a very unhappy Carson, coffees in hand and eyes on the floor.

  “I know you probably have shit to do,” he said, shoving one of the cups at me and heading into the living room, “but you know how impatient I am. I wanted to—”

  He got there only a half second before I did. I saw his shoulders rise by at least an inch and his entire body tense. This was something I hadn’t foreseen happening.

  I stepped in between them. “This is Kevin. Kevin, Carson. Carson, Kevin.”

  Carson’s eyes went to me and then traveled down my body, his expression turning into one of understanding…something that wasn’t true. Wait a minute. How’d that happen?