Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

  A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, "This is thedoor." Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I seenanother sine what sed "Walk in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder theythought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a bisickle,or how. And then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a lotof tools around it, and the sine sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, anydurned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some onefeel his head and find out what ails him.

  Uncle Josh on a Street Car

  NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in NewYork, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smokehouse. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street carswhat they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuza runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' afterstreet cars and fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels onit, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a feller one dayto tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, andwhen I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart.

  Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded,and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto oneof them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of astrap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin'to be in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall Imoved up a little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, hegot madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?"I sed, "guess I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got tostep some whar." Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed,"old man you'r makin' too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ardagain," and I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickelto ride, but I guess I might as well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purtymuch all the time I wuz in thar.

  Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never laffed somuch in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slimlady, and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn'tlook as though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two centsand a half worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy ladyand sed, "they ought to charge by weight on this line," and the big ladysed "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you." Gosh I had to snickerright out loud.

  Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and threeladys got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em tosot down, and so the big lady sed--"little boy, you'd oughter git upand let one of them ladys sot down," and the little boy sed, "you git upand they can all sot down." Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin'right out.

  Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest littlebaby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to besociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him,and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful likeand sed "rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you couldhave knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, Ididn't know the little thing was rubber.

  Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen,and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he gota nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then itsed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but Ijist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in andthe company wuz out.

  Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and hewuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing workedand told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister,hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across youone of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if Iseen him a comin'.

  My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots

  THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain,

  That over my memory scoots,

  When I think of my boyhood days once again

  And my fust pair of copper toed boots.

  How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on,

  And bravely marched out on the floor,

  And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit

  And the best to be had at the store."

  That night, I remember, I took them to bed,

  With the rest of us little galoots,

  And among other things in my prars which I sed

  Wuz a reference to copper toed boots.

  And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand

  Wuz me and my new acquisition,

  And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed,

  From the garret clar down to the kitchen.

  Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room,

  I concluded I'd help do the chores;

  Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust

  If I didn't git right out of doors.

  But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick,

  And I couldn't get one way or tother,

  And I jist had to stand right there in one spot

  And holler like thunder fer mother.

  But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise

  Fer I larned right thar on the spot,

  That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world

  Is that by experience taught.

  So though many years have since passed away,

  And I've ventured on various routes,

  I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today

  As my fust pair of copper toed boots.

  Uncle Josh in Police Court

  I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it asNew York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York hada cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be alongside of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and theEssicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markitsand corts, I can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peecedown home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how theyhandled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down toone of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds ofpeople in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds ofnationalitys--Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians,Irish and colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad andworse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Tendays; ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed;bring in the next prisoner," and the Lord only knows what else. Wall,some of the cases they tried in that cort house made me snicker rightout loud. They brought in a little Irish feller, and the Judge sed:"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge,your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick McGiness." And the Judge sed:"Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And the little Irish fellersed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness,you don't look to me as though you ever saw a ship in all your life."And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall Judge, your honor, if I never sawa ship in me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland in a wagon?" TheJudge sed: "Case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner."

  Wall, the next prisoner what they brought in had sort of an impedimentin his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed:"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge,yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my n-n-na-na-nameis-is-is----." The Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. Officer, whatis this prisoner charged with?" And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor,the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water."Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house.

  It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawsonwuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring SiPettingi
ll wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'dsold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to partwith the cow, 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a barginwith Lige Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, andgenerally take keer on her fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cumhum, and he went to Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall, Lige, I've cumover to git my cow." And Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall, if you'vegot any cow round here I'll be durned if I know it." Si sed: "Wall,Lige, I left my cow with you." And Lige sed: "Wall, that's a year ago,and she's et her head off two or three times since then." So Si sed:"Wall, Lige, you've had her milk fer her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk bedurned, she went dry three weeks after you left, and she ain't give anymilk since, and near as I can figger it out, seems to me as how I'vepestered her and fed her all this time, she's my cow." Si sed: "No,Lige, that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige sed: "Bargin or no bargin, I'vegot her, and seein' as how posession is 'bout nine points in the law,I'm goin' to keep her."

  So they went to law about it, and all Punkin Centre turned out to heerthe trial. Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both sides of the case, hesed: "The Cort is compelled, from the evidence sot forth in this case,to find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid Silas Pettingill, as agin' thedefendant, the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from the evidence sotforth that the cow critter in question is a valuable critter, and wuthmore 'n a year's paster and keep, and, tharfore, it is the verdict ofthis cort that the aforesaid defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep thecow two weeks longer, and then she is hisn."

  Uncle Josh at Coney Island

  I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times 'bout that place what theycall Coney Iland, and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made up mymind I wuz a goin' to see it, so one day I got on one of them keerswhat goes across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started out for Coney Iland.Settin' right along side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and sheseemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or other, and finaly she sed tome "mister, do these cars stop when we git on the other side of thebridge?" I sed, wall now if they don't you'll git the durndest bump youever got in your life.

  Wall we got on the other side, and I got on one of them tra-la-lu carswhat goes down to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, and heput it in his pockit jist the same as if it belonged to him. Wall, whenI wuz gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I git any change? Hesed, "didn't you see that sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he sez"you better go out and look at it."

  Wall I went out and looked at it, and that settled it. It sed "This cargoes to Coney Iland without change." Guess it did; I'll be durned if Igot any.

  Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and hubbubI ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thingI seen thar wuz a place what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It lookedlike a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and totherend up in the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and allgit in and then cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall Ialowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats alongwith a lot of other folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I neversee agin. They yanked us up to the top of that troff and then turned usloose, and I jist felt as though the whole earth had run off and leftus. We went down that troff lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin'alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed me round the neck; and I sed,you let go of me you brazen female critter. But she jist hung on andhollered to beat thunder, and everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, andthat durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased lightnin' and I had onehand on my pockit book and tother on my hat, and we went kerslap dabinto that duck pond, and the durned boat upsot and we went into thewater, and that durned female critter hung onto me and hollered "saveme, I'm jist a drownin'." Wall the water wasn't very deep and I jiststarted to wade out when along cum another boat and run over us, andunder we went ker-souse. Wall I managed to get out to the bank, and thatfemale woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue a lady from a waterygrave. And I jist told her if she had kept her mouth shet she wouldn'thav swallered so much of the pond.

  Wall they had one place what they called the Middle Way Plesumps, andanother place what they called The Streets of Caro, and they had a lotof shows a goin' on along thar. Wall I went into one of 'em and sotdown, and I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show I'd a bin sottin'thar yet. I purty near busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot ofgals a dancin' some kind of a dance; I don't know what they called it,but it sooted me fust rate. When I got home, the more I thought about itthe more I made up my mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out in thecorn field whar none of the neighbors could see me, and I'll be durnedif I didn't knock down about four akers of corn, but I never got thatdance right. I wuz the talk of the whole community; mother didn't speakto me fer about a week, and Aunt Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shameand a disgrace to the village, but I notice Nancy has asked me a goodmany questions about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder if we didn'tfind Nancy out in the cornfield one of these days.

  Uncle Josh at the Opera

  WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now mother, when I git down toNew York City I'm goin' to see a regular first-class theater. We neverhad many theater doin's down our way. Wall, thar wuz a theater troopcum to Punkin Centre along last summer, but we couldn't let 'em hav theOpery House to show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the Opery House wuzfull of hay, and we couldn't let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any placeto put the hay. An then about a year and a half ago thar wuz a troop cumalong that wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home; they left a good manyof their things behind 'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins he got oneof the mules, and he tried to hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinksEzra will be around in about six weeks. I traded one of the dogs toRuben Hendricks fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, borrowed thegun and shot the dog.

  Wall, I got into one of your theaters here, got sot down and wuz lookin'at it; and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with a lot of lightsshinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' it fust rate, when a lot of fellerscum out with horns and fiddles, and they all started in to fiddlin' andtootin', end all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lotof folks having a regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any ofmy business, and I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the rest ofthe folks seemed to mind it any, so I calculated I'd see how it cum out,though my hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, 'cause I couldsee if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own business thar wouldn'tbe any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller handed me a piece ofpaper what told all about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' atthat and I noticed on it whar it sed thar wuz five years took place'tween the fust part and the second part. I knowed durned well Iwouldn't have time to wait and see the second part, so I got up and wentout. Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in mind of somethin' whathappened down hum on the last day of school. You see the school teachergot all the big boys and the big girls, and the boys they read essaysand the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner girls recited a piecethat sooted me fust rate. Neer as I kin remember it went somethin' likethis:

  How nice to hear the bumble-bee When you go out a fishin', But if you happen to sot down on him, He'll spoil your disposition.

  I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so touchin' about it. Then the schoolteacher he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and he dressedthem up to represent the different kinds of planits. He had one girl torepresent the sun--she wuz red-headed; and another one to represent themoon, and another one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, and itlooked mighty fine, and everythin' wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'tilold Jim Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement on it; so he went outand got a colord girl, and he wanted to sot her between the sun and themoon and make an eklips. And as usual he busted up the whole doin's.

  Uncle Josh at Delmonico's

  I USED to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot about a place herein New York kept by Mr. Delmonico. Tha
r's bin about ten thousand summerboarders down to Punkin Centre one time and another, and I guess I'vecarried the bundles and stood the grumblin' from about all of them; andwhen anyone of 'em would find fault with anythin' I used to ast him wharhe boarded at in New York, and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's;so I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico must hav a right smartpurty good sized tavern; and I sed to mother--now mother, when I gitdown to New York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's.

  Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on theinside I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess youcould have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumpson a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees asettin' in wash tubs, didn't look to me as though they would stand muchof a gale; and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' allto onct, and out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. Icouldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin'a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was asociety festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cumup to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand,somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one ofthem bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cumup right smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table dehotel or all over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to himhe could bring me my dinner on a plate. Wall, he handed me a programmeof the dinner and I et about half way down it and drank a bottle ofcider pop what he give me, and it got into my head, and I never felt sodurn good in all my life. I got to singin' and I danced Old Dan Tuckerright thar in the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of Mr. bon-sourmon-sour; and jist when I got to enjoyin' myself right good, they calledin a lot of constables, and it cost me sixteen dollars and forty-fivecents, and then they took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon with abell on it, and they kept ringin' the bell every foot of the way to letfolks know I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders.