Don’t Deny Me: Part Three

  “It’s not the one closest to where I work. And yes, I made it on time, but that’s not the point.”

  “What is the point, Alice?” Mick cried, frustrated.

  She sighed again and was silent for a few seconds. “For you, this is fun. That’s all. Right? So it doesn’t much matter where we go or do, it’s all just … fun.”

  “It should be fun. Shouldn’t it?” He took a chance and moved closer to her. He didn’t touch her, but he was close enough to see her in the dark. “I’m not sure what the problem is. What’s wrong with fun?”

  “There’s nothing wrong with fun,” she said in a defeated, helpless tone he didn’t understand at all. “Fun is great. Fun is fun.”

  He tried again to hug her, and this time, she let him. Her body didn’t mold itself to his the way it usually did, but after a second or so she did put her arms around him. Mick buried his face in her hair, breathing deep. When her shoulders heaved, his heart sank.

  “I don’t want to make you cry, Alice. I’m sorry.”

  She didn’t answer him with words, but the shaking of her body told him more than he wanted to know. Mick held her closer, and again, she let him but it wasn’t the way it had been before. He pushed her gently away, gripping her upper arms, and tried to see her face through the shadows.

  “Don’t cry. Please.”

  She drew in a snuffling breath. “I’m okay.”

  “You’re not. C’mon, I don’t want to fight,” he said.

  “No. Me neither.”

  “That’s no fun,” he continued, trying to make a joke, to make light. Anything to keep this from going south.

  Her chuckle was halfhearted and waterlogged and a little strangled. “Right. Fun. This all should just be fun. Only fun.”

  It didn’t sound like she was agreeing with him, but he took it. “Yep. All fun, all the time. Okay?”

  “Sure,” Alice said. “All of this is just fun.”

  And then she hugged him hard enough to make him believe things were going to be all right.

  * * *

  Have fun at the beach without me. I’m going to miss you. You should have told me you had other plans, I would have changed mine.

  —Mick to Alice, unsent

  * * *

  Perfect beach weather. Sunny, bright, warm enough to make running into the still-chilly Atlantic waters worthwhile, but not hot enough to make you wish you were in hell, where it would be cooler. With a book and a beach towel and a new bikini, Alice was all set.

  The only thing missing, of course, was Mick.

  She’d met his family a few times, but he’d never met hers, so inviting him along on this vacation, no matter how sexy the prospect, had not been an option. The last place she wanted to introduce him to her parents was in the house where they’d have to be sharing a bed. And it was nice, too, to have time to herself to sit and relax and read and read and read. With Mick along, she’d have been go-karting and paddle boarding and body surfing, she was sure of it.

  There were advantages to time apart in a relationship. Ten years ago, Alice hadn’t known that and probably wouldn’t have believed anyone who’d tried to tell her so. She’d been convinced that being with the person you loved was necessary, like breathing, and being away from each other meant you ached and bled and gnashed your teeth. Well, she was older now, and if she wasn’t wiser, at least she was a little more self-aware.

  Her time at the beach was something she looked forward to every year and built her vacation time around. She’d never taken a boyfriend along. Either she hadn’t had one or whatever relationship she’d been in at the time hadn’t been the sort you brought around your family.

  Which sort, she wondered, was Mick?

  They hadn’t tossed around the words boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe at thirty-three it was silly to label whatever they were doing that way. Or maybe they weren’t serious enough to be giving each other titles, she reminded herself. Maybe, she thought, they were just having fun.

  She should let it go, Alice told herself and took a long drink of lemonade to wash out the bitterness. She turned her face to the sun to soak in the golden glory. She was on vacation, dammit, and she wasn’t going to spoil it with any kind of angst and woe. Beside, didn’t she know better now than to expect more from Mick than whatever he had to offer. Hadn’t she learned her lesson about getting all worked up about something that didn’t have to be such a big deal?

  It wasn’t as though she’d never had a fuck buddy before. A casual lover. Friends with benefits. Oh, since Mick there’d been one or two serious relationships, one that had seemed destined for a white dress and a walk down the aisle, but it hadn’t worked out. And because there was a curse to being self-aware, Alice had to admit it was because that although Brad had been a great guy who treated her well and they’d had a lot in common, when it came to fireworks it might as well have been rain every Fourth of July.

  With Mick, it had always been fireworks.

  Things had been strained between them since the fight about her trip to the beach. Nothing she could point out specifically, but a pervasive tension that left every conversation tasting slightly sour. They’d spent the night together before she’d left for Rehoboth. Dinner. A movie. He’d put air in all her tires and filled her car with gas and changed all the fluids, though she’d told him that she was only driving to Wendy’s house and would make the rest of the trip with her and Raj and the kids. He’d insisted on doing it anyway, as well as updating her GPS even though it took forever and she would far rather have spent the time with him doing something more … fun.

  They’d had sex, of course. And it had been good. Better than that, amazing, really. Mick had spent an hour getting her off, three times before she’d begged him for a break. They’d slept tangled together and woke before dawn to make love again.

  When it came time for her to leave, Alice had kissed his mouth and clung to him, squeezing hard. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “Nah,” Mick said. “You’re going to be having too much fun. Me, too, at the lake. Before you know it, we’ll both be home.”

  It was not the reply she’d hoped for, though she’d be damned if she told him that. It shouldn’t grate at her, but it did. So much, in fact, that she’d turned off her ringer this morning and left her phone in a drawer instead of taking it with her. Too bad she couldn’t turn off her brain.

  Not even the sun could burn away the images of Mick in Alice’s mind. The salt breeze tickling the fringes on her bikini top reminded her of his questing fingers and oh, God, his tongue. The splash of chilly water on her thighs when she got up to test the water wasn’t any better. If anything, it only exacerbated the feeling of not having been touched by Mick in three long days.

  “I’m going to walk up to the boardwalk and get some fries. Wanna come along?” Alice asked Wendy, who’d spent an hour or so in the water, body surfing waves with the kids.

  “Hell, yes. And I think we need a beer. Or two.” Dripping and slightly sunburned, Wendy gave her husband a significant look. “Hold down the fort, it’s sister-bonding time.”

  “Can I come, Mama?”

  Wendy gave Mallory a fond look and tweaked her nose. “Nope, kiddo. Me and Auntie Alice are going to eat bad food, drink some grown-up drinks, and check out the cute lifeguards.”

  Mallory made a face. “Okay. Gross.”

  “Bring me back some fries, babe,” Raj said as Wendy leaned to give him a kiss. “Before you run off with a lifeguard, anyway.”

  Wendy laughed. “Sure thing, ding-a-ling.”

  Watching her sister bend to kiss her husband of nine years, Alice, for the first time, felt a pang of envy at her sister’s life. Sure, Wendy and Raj had their share of arguments, but her brother-in-law clearly adored his wife. And told her so, never making her have to guess, Alice thought, barely managing not to slice herself open on her own jealousy.

  “I’m glad you married Raj.”

  Wendy gave her a glance as they navigated the step
s from the sand onto the boardwalk. “Me too, most days. But I’m glad to hear you are, too.”

  “He’s a good guy,” Alice said.

  “Yes. I got lucky. Hey, I’m starving,” Wendy said, pointing at a sign on one of the many restaurants lining the boardwalk. “And I think instead of a beer I’m going to have a frozen margarita. Because apparently, that’s what ladies do.”

  “Ladies love frozen drinks.” Alice read the sign aloud and laughed. “Well, I do, and I guess I’m a lady. Let’s do it.”

  Instead of fries, they ordered a plate of nachos and some margaritas and sat under a pretty umbrella with the ocean air cooling them. People watching. Hanging out. Relaxing.

  “So,” Wendy said when the conversation had gone from the style of bathing suits some people really shouldn’t wear to the hazards and joys of day drinking to whether or not their parents were going to insist they all go out to dinner at some crowded restaurant instead of grilling in the rented house’s backyard and how they could convince them otherwise. “What’s up?”

  Alice sipped carefully and licked her lips, tasting salt. The flavor was too much like tears, dammit. She should’ve ordered something sweet, not tangy. “I think it’s over with Mick.”

  “Why, did he stop answering your texts and stuff again? What a jerk.”

  Alice grimaced, appreciating her sister’s outrage, though Wendy was off-base. “No. He answers my texts, at least he does that. We had a fight about me coming here. He thought I’d be going to Bernie’s, but he didn’t even ask me.”

  “You could’ve asked him to come along with us.”

  Alice shook her head. “Ugh. No. Not so last minute, and besides, it would’ve been super awkward for him to meet Mom and Dad here.”

  “Yeah. I guess so.” Wendy swirled the melting margarita in her glass. “How bad was the fight? I mean, bad enough to break up with him?”

  “Not because of the fight, though it’s pretty typical of the way he assumes things.” Alice frowned. “I told him I was going to miss him, and once again, he gave me some lame-ass answer about how we’d both be having too much fun to miss each other. And I thought … really? After all this time, he still can’t just tell me something so simple? It’s stupid.”

  Wendy was silent for a few seconds. “It’s not stupid if it makes you feel bad. Have you told him?”

  “Yes. Of course I have. At least, I think I have.” Alice shook her head. “I feel like I tell him all the time, and he doesn’t listen. Or get it. Or maybe I’m not being clear, shit, I don’t know anymore. All I know is that he says he wants me. But it’s not enough, you know? Wanting. I want a lot of things, that doesn’t mean I’m meant to have them.”

  “Ugh.” Wendy rolled her eyes.

  “I told myself I could just do the ‘fun’ thing. That it didn’t have to mean more, or become more. But it’s always been more with him, that’s the problem.” Alice paused. “I was doing okay, you know? Without him. I thought about him sometimes, sure, but then he swept back in my life and I’m on some kind of magic-cock carpet ride!”

  For a moment, neither sister said a word. Then they both burst into hysterical laughter. Better that than hysterical tears, Alice thought. Shit.

  Alice finished her margarita and let the frozen liquid settle in her belly. “He’s never, ever going to give me what I want, Wendy. He’s just … not. Maybe he can’t. All I know is that he says he wants me, but he won’t tell me he misses me. And he does not love me.”

  They both were silent for a minute. Wendy stirred her drink, looking sad but saying nothing. Alice appreciated the silence.

  “Have you asked him?” Wendy said finally. “If he loves you, I mean.”

  “I asked him once to tell me how he felt about me,” Alice said flatly. “And he said that he loved me on some level. I will never ask him again.”

  “I remember,” Wendy said quietly.

  “I never want to go through that again. Ever. It was horrifying.”

  “I don’t blame you.”

  “And now it would be worse than the first time around, because see, I already know how it felt when it ended. How the whole world turned gray. How losing him destroyed me. And I won’t be that girl again, Wendy. I can’t. It was too much. I can’t invest myself in someone else that much again, and especially not Mick.”

  Alice was quiet. Wendy frowned. Alice shrugged.

  “You should tell him you love him, Alice. See what he says. At least give him a chance. Then if it ends, at least you said it, and maybe …” Wendy cleared her throat and sat up a little bit. “Maybe it won’t take you ten years to get over him. Maybe this time you could just move on.”

  Alice gave her sister a look of horror that hardly had to be exaggerated. “He might be shit with telling me how he feels about me, but maybe he’s got the right idea about not saying anything. I don’t need to make a fool out of myself over Mick McManus again.”

  “But … you do. Don’t you? Love him,” Wendy said.

  Alice again stayed quiet. Her throat closed. Her eyes burned.

  “You should tell him, Alice. Maybe he’ll surprise you. And if he doesn’t … at least you’d know for sure. You wouldn’t have to wonder.”

  “I was stupid, wasn’t I? To think that just because time had passed that it would be different this time?”

  “You weren’t stupid, honey. You’re in love. Okay, maybe that’s the same thing,” Wendy said with a small laugh.

  Alice shook her head. “But I don’t want to be!”

  “Guess what,” Wendy said. “You don’t have a choice. It just happens to you, and you can’t do anything about it.”

  “I do have a choice. I can stop seeing him. End it before it’s too late.”

  “That’s not going to make you feel better, Alice!” Wendy looked sad. “You’re crazy about him. You know you are.”

  “Yeah,” Alice said bitterly, “and Mick is just having fun.”

  * * *

  Knock Knock.

  Who’s there?

  Nobody.

  Nobody, who?

  *Silence*

  —Alice to Mick

  * * *

  The party at Bernie’s had been great, of course, lots of food and drinks and fun. But empty, for Mick at least. No Alice to sneak into his bedroom at night or greet him over coffee in the morning.

  No Alice for the whole week after, either, while she was at the beach. He’d texted her several times throughout the weekend, but got no answer. He’d called and left a few messages, but with no answer to those, he’d stopped. For the first time, Mick understood why, exactly, Alice got so bent out of shape when he didn’t reply to her right away. Still, the longer it went on, the more deliberate it felt, and the more irritated he got. Sure, he might’ve chosen to take his time responding to her messages in the past for one reason or another, and yeah, maybe once in a while he still didn’t answer her immediately, but he’d never gone this long while deliberately ignoring her.

  She was due home Saturday, but he didn’t know what time, only that they’d have to check out of their rental house sometime in the morning. Add in summer traffic and he figured she’d be back by the afternoon. So when dinner time rolled around and he hadn’t yet heard from her, Mick put on his big-boy briefs and called her again.

  This time, she answered. “Hey.”

  “Hey! Are you home?” He didn’t want to admit the feeling rushing through him was relief. That he’d started thinking maybe she simply was never going to answer him again, that it wouldn’t be ten years without Alice this time, but the rest of his life.

  She sounded tired. “Yeah. About an hour ago. Traffic was brutal. I rode with Wendy and her husband and kids, we stopped about a million times for the bathroom and to eat, just to break up the trip, but we were still in standstill traffic for hours. I’m wiped out. I took a shower and I’m heading for bed. So much stuff to do tomorrow before I go back to work.”

  “I want to see you,” Mick blurted. Silence was his ans
wer. He listened to her breathing. Certain she was going to say no, his stomach dropped.

  He didn’t like this, whatever was going on. Something felt off. Something wasn’t right. But then she sighed.

  “Sure. But you’ll have to come over here. I’m not driving anymore today.”

  “I’ll be there in an hour,” he promised, knowing the drive usually took at least an hour twenty.

  She was quiet for a couple of seconds. “You could wait until tomorrow, Mick. It’s only one more day.”

  “I can’t wait another day to see you.”

  More silence. He imagined her smile, though could hear nothing of it in her voice. “Okay.”

  It did indeed take him only an hour to get to Alice’s house. He’d brought along a bottle of wine, though it was probably too late now to drink it. A bag of chips and container of dip, because that was all he had in the kitchen. When she opened the door, all he could think about was kissing her, but instead he held out the bag.

  “I brought this for you.”

  Alice smiled and let him in. She took the wine and peeked at the chips. “Are you hungry?”

  He did kiss her then, thinking that was a better answer. She moaned when he touched her; when he dug his fingers into the hair at the back of her skull and tugged, her eyes went glazed and dreamy, and his cock got hard. He loved watching her get turned on by something so simple as his touch. No woman had ever responded to him that way.

  He’d stopped wanting any other woman to.

  “Upstairs,” he breathed into her mouth. “Now.”

  Alice broke the kiss for a second, looking hesitant, but only for the second or two it took for her to lick her lips. She nodded and turned, looking over her shoulder with another inscrutable glance. Mick followed, already thinking of getting her out of the silky pajama bottoms and tank top.

  In her bedroom, Alice sat on the edge of the bed. Mick went to his knees in front of her. She let out a small, startled laugh.

  He lifted one bare foot and held it tight so she couldn’t squirm away. Making sure she was looking into his eyes, he kept her gaze as he kissed each toe. Then the other foot. By the time he was done, they were both breathing hard. Moving his hands up her legs and thighs, over the silky fabric, he found the heat of her center.