Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children

  The techniques we looked at for parents to successfully manage babies and young children (Chapters 1–3) can equally be applied to individual children in the nursery or preschool situation. Nursery staff will spend more time catering for the individual needs of the children than teachers at school, where the children are older and generally expected to conform to the norm of their class. However, there will be times at nursery, particularly with preschool children, where the staff, in preparation for school, will be working with the children on a group basis. Nursery teachers therefore need to have a certain authoritative presence, similar to that of the class teacher, in order to manage group activities, as well as warmth and tenderness for nurturing babies and young children on a one-to-one basis.

  Clearly babies in day care need a routine of sleeping and feeding, just as they do at home. It will be the responsibility of the staff to establish this within the nursery, in consultation with the parents. Request, Repeat and Reassure works with baby’s routine in day care as well as at home, and will, in some form, have been the basis of the staff’s professional training for managing babies in the nursery. You, as the nursery nurse, will be keeping a log of the baby’s routine – feeds, sleeps, playtime, moods, etc. – which information you discuss with your manager and with the parents when they collect the baby at the end of the day. Continuity of routine between nursery and home for the baby should ideally be maintained as much as possible, so as to engender security in the baby, and a baby who feels secure is less likely to be fractious.

  Continuity of staff at the day care centre is also important, although it is not always possible, as staff leave or are promoted. Often a rota of staff operates and a baby is therefore required to bond with more than one nursery nurse, as well as maintaining the bond with its parents. Obviously keep change of staff to a minimum, and be aware that any change is likely to affect the baby’s behaviour.

  As well as a change of care provider there are other, not so obvious, changes in the nursery which can upset a baby’s behaviour: repositioning the cot or rearranging the nursery furniture, a change of room, new toys, redecorating the room or even closing a blind that is usually left open. You will be working closely with the parents and will hopefully be informed of any changes at home that might affect baby, and therefore the baby’s behaviour. If a baby suddenly appears unsettled and there is no obvious reason, inform the parents and explore any possible causes that could be responsible – for example, a change of house, routine or diet.

  As babies grow into toddlers, it often means a change of room at nursery and with it a change of care provider. Clearly the toddler needs to be prepared for this well in advance, having the changes explained beforehand, visiting the new room and meeting the new members of staff for short periods before the actual move. Despite all the preparation, the toddler is still likely to become unsettled for a while and plenty of reassurance will be needed. The toddler, now mobile and inquisitive, is likely to present the nursery staff with many of the behavioural challenges that he or she presents to the parents at home. Follow the 3Rs with the toddler (Chapter 1), and remember that Reassure should also become Reaffirm as you guide the child to acceptable behaviour, both as an individual and part of the group.

  Any negative behaviour in children at day care should be dealt with in line with nursery policy, logged and discussed with the parents. Ideally both the nursery staff and parents will manage the child’s behaviour in a similar way, and with similar guidelines. However, nursery staff often assume the greater responsibility for setting in place the boundaries and guidelines for good behaviour, particularly with a child who is in day care full time. If the child is spending more time with the staff than with the parents, parents who are working long hours often feel guilty about not being with their child, and are more inclined to overindulge their child in the evenings and weekends, give in to their demands and be reluctant to discipline. These double standards can be unsettling for the child and difficult for nursery staff to deal with. While you are responsible for the child’s behaviour at nursery you can do little about what happens at home, other than offer tactful and helpful suggestions for continuing with the guidelines you have put in place and which work well at nursery.

  The expectations for acceptable behaviour, and the techniques used to achieve it, apply at nursery as they do at home or school:

  * Assume positive behaviour and deal with incidents as they arise, using the 3Rs.

  * Always respect the child, as he or she must respect you.

  * Allow a child age-appropriate control so that he or she is encouraged towards sensible decision making.

  * Don’t use the third person when addressing a child; instead, refer to yourself as ‘I’.

  * Operate a system of rewards and sanctions, in line with nursery policy.

  * Make full use of the closed choice – it works with all aged children, in any situation.

  * Remember that it is the behaviour of the child that is wrong, not the child.

  * Use time out in line with the nursery’s policy.

  * Teach cooperation, both on a one-to-one basis and within the group – cooperation is an essential ingredient of life.

  Childminders

  In many respects childminders are like mini nurseries, although childminders work from home and are self-employed. All childminders have to be registered, trained, inspected and keep detailed logs, and they are expected to provide the same high standard of day care as a nursery. As a childminder, however, you will be working with fewer children (in Britain, no more than six, including your own), and will very likely be working by yourself. Because of the small number of children, and being home-based, the childminder can more easily step into the role of a surrogate parent on a daily basis than the staff at a large day centre. This can be useful for engendering security, maintaining continuity and working closely with the parents.

  As a childminder you and the child’s parents will have both signed a behaviour policy drawn up by you and agreed with the parents. This document details your aims and objectives for nurturing and caring for the child, as well as your methods for guiding the child to acceptable behaviour. This agreement will contain the statement that you will never administer physical punishment in any form, or any kind of humiliation or hurtful treatment, and that you endorse discipline through setting positive limits. This of course is exactly the premise of this book and can be successfully achieved using the 3Rs. All the strategies and techniques for managing babies and children outlined earlier in this book (Chapters 1–3) can be successfully adopted by the childminder.

  Relative or close friend

  A relative or close friend may look after a child or children on an informal daily basis. However, in Britain if anyone cares for a child or children for more than two hours a day for reward he or she must be registered as a childminder. Similar legislation applies in most of Europe and America. Whether you look after a child for one afternoon a week or for a couple of hours each day, you will still be wholly responsible for the child (or children) while they are in your care.

  Clearly you will provide a safe and nurturing environment for the child, making sure any garden ponds are covered, stair gates are fitted, etc. if the child is very young. You will also be aware of the child’s likes and dislikes, whether they require assistance going to the toilet, as well as any dietary requirements if the child is to eat with you. You will do all you can to ensure the child is happy and contented during their visit, as well as putting in place any necessary guidelines for acceptable behaviour. Although the arrangement is informal, and done as a favour to the parents, there is no reason why you should have your house wrecked every Thursday evening by the two lads from next door whom you look after so that their mother can attend her art class.

  Make sure the children know what is acceptable behaviour in your house and ensure their behaviour is acceptable by following the techniques described in this book. Obviously never use physical punishment on a child you are lo
oking after, and if the child (or children’s) behaviour is very negative then report it to their parents. If the behaviour doesn’t improve, you might decide to withdraw your offer of looking after the children. Often a relative, close friend or neighbour will help out a busy mum so that she can go to the dentist, doctor or shopping unencumbered, but there is a cut-off point to what you can reasonably be expected to do. You are not the parent, and the arrangement should be a risk-free and positive experience for everyone.

  Nannies

  As a nanny you will be employed by the parents, and will usually look after the child or children in the family home. At present in the UK nannies do not have to be registered or inspected, but they do have childcare qualifications. Nannies clearly work very closely with the parents, and caring for the child or children in the family home gives the child the added security of familiarity – in surroundings and routine. All the techniques and strategies for successfully managing children’s behaviour in this book can be applied to the nanny situation.

  Ideally, all aspects of the child or children’s care should be wholly acceptable to both you, the nanny, and the parents, where both parties have the same childcare ideology. However, this isn’t always the case, and sometimes the highly experienced and well-qualified nanny will see flaws in the way parents are rearing their children, particularly in respect of setting boundaries for acceptable behaviour. Ultimately, the nanny may have to accept the parent’s way of doing something, if agreement can’t be reached, although a nanny will never slap a child for bad behaviour even though the parents can legally do so at present in the UK. It can be hoped that if the parents see the nanny successfully setting guidelines for positive behaviour they will follow the nanny’s example. Often parents’ routines and strategies for managing their children are modified after nanny has discreetly set in place something that works better.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Other Factors

  Diet

  ‘We are what we eat’ is a well-acknowledged phrase; the food that goes into our mouths is ultimately absorbed by our bodies and therefore becomes part of us. Food is necessary for cell growth and repair, our development and general health. But it isn’t only our bodies and our physical health that are at the mercy of what we consume, but also our brains and central nervous system. A finely tuned endocrine and hormone system is responsible for mood, behaviour and mental health, and relies on a well-balanced diet to function efficiently. There is now a wealth of scientific information, from studies and research, that shows unequivocally that children’s and adult’s behaviour is greatly affected by diet.

  A healthy diet is therefore essential, not only for children’s physical development but also for their emotional and mental well-being. And while improving your child’s diet alone won’t turn a child with challenging behaviour into an angel, coupled with the techniques and strategies in this book, it can go a long way towards it.

  Food additives and behaviour

  In 1984 a book shot into the bestseller charts: it was called E. for Additives and was by a nutritionist, Maurice Hanssen. The book was a revelation, as it made the public aware of the hundreds of chemicals, known as E numbers, that are regularly added to food and drink. It listed each E number’s chemical origin and compound; which foods contained it; and their possible adverse effects on physical and mental health. The book shocked consumers worldwide, as it highlighted for the first time just how much our food was tampered with before it reached the shops. In effect we were eating a cocktail of chemicals, the long-term effect of which was largely unknown. And while some of these E numbers have since been shown to be harmful and banned from foods, the majority are still widely used, although the concerns raised in Hanssen’s book remain true today.

  E numbers are added to food and drinks for many reasons, including appearance, shelf life, texture and taste. All food additives, including E numbers, must be listed on the label of the food package, but only European countries have adopted the E number classification. Although each chemical additive is tested and has to pass health and safety checks before being allowed into food, what isn’t tested is the combination of chemicals, and how this combination reacts in the food or the body. Most processed food and drink contains more than one additive, with a packet of brightly coloured sweets containing upward of ten. Even an innocent yoghurt can contain five or more additives if it is sweetened or made to look like the colour of a particular fruit.

  Not all additives are synthetic or have harmful effects, and some have been used for years. Many people suffer no ill effects from eating additive-laden processed food, although cause and effect may not be recognised – the headache your child had in the afternoon might be due not to tiredness but to the bright pink icing on the doughnut he or she ate for lunch. The full and long-term effects of consuming additives is not known and research is ongoing. But there is enough evidence to show that mood, behaviour, learning, energy levels and concentration can be affected.

  While you manage your child’s behaviour using the techniques in this book, it is also essential that your child has a well-balanced diet, with processed food kept to a minimum. If you know or suspect your child is sensitive to certain food additives, then obviously avoid all food and drinks that contain them. Here is a list of additives that research has shown can cause problems in behaviour, but the list is by no means complete:

  Sunset yellow (E110) can cause or aggravate Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Found in orange squash, orange jelly, marzipan, Swiss roll, apricot jam, citrus marmalade, lemon curd, sweets, hot chocolate mix and packet soups, breadcrumbs, cheese sauce, ice cream, canned fish and many medications. Allowed in the UK, but banned in Norway and Finland.

  Quinoline yellow (E104) has been linked to ADHD, restlessness and irritability. Found in ices, Scotch eggs, smoked haddock, hair products, colognes and a wide range of medications. Allowed in the UK, but banned in Australia, Japan, Norway and the United States.

  Carmoisine (E122) has been linked to ADHD, sleeplessness and loss of concentration. Found in blancmange, marzipan, Swiss roll, jams and preserves, sweets, brown sauce, flavoured yoghurts, packet soups, jellies, breadcrumbs and cheesecake mixes. Allowed in the UK, but banned in Japan, Norway, Sweden and the United States.

  Allura red (E129) can cause or aggravate ADHD and is linked to irritability and lack of concentration. Found in sweets, drinks, sauces, medications and cosmetics. Not allowed in food and drink for children under three. Banned in Denmark, Belgium, France, Germany, Switzerland, Sweden, Austria and Norway.

  Tartrazine (E102): many people are allergic to this and it has been shown to cause and aggravate ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Found in fruit squash, fruit cordial, coloured fizzy drinks, instant puddings, cake mixes, custard powder, soups, sauces, ice cream, ice lollies, sweets, chewing gum, marzipan, jam, jelly, marmalade, mustard, yoghurt and many convenience foods. Widely used in the UK, but banned in Norway and Austria.

  Ponceau 4R (E124) is linked to ADHD and sleep disturbance. Found in dessert toppings, jelly, salami, seafood dressings, tinned strawberries, fruit pie fillings, cake mixes, cheesecakes, soups and trifles. Allowed in the UK, but banned in Norway and the United States.

  Effect of vitamins and minerals on behaviour

  While most parents know the importance of protein and carbohydrates for growth and energy, and that it is essential children eat fresh fruit and vegetables, not so well known is the part vitamins and minerals play in behaviour and emotional stability. The following has come from research and is worth noting:

  Zinc is essential for good brain functioning and a deficiency can result in learning difficulties and behavioural problems, including mood swings and tantrums. Zinc is found in meat, shellfish, milk, cheese, bread and cereal.

  Magnesium has been described as a natural tranquilliser, and a deficiency can aggravate ADHD, causing restlessness and poor concentration. One study found that a magnesium supplement reversed the affects of ADHD. Magne
sium occurs naturally in green leafy vegetables, nuts and pulses, bread, fish, meat and dairy produce.

  B vitamins have many functions but are crucial for the brain and nervous system to function properly. Deficiency in the B vitamins can impair the functioning of the brain and nervous system, resulting in poor learning and memory recall, aggression and depression. B vitamins are found in a variety of foods including pork, meat, cod, salmon, bread, cereals, rice, eggs, vegetables, soya beans, nuts, and potatoes, dairy products, and some cereals.

  Iron is very important because it helps the body to make haemoglobin which carries oxygen around the body. It has a direct effect on cognitive development, energy level and work performance. Iron deficiency has been found in high numbers of children with ADHD. Studies have shown that boosting iron levels increases concentration and school performance as well as improving behaviour. Iron is found in red meat, beans, nuts, dried fruit, whole grains (such as brown rice), fortified breakfast cereals, soya, most dark green leafy vegetables and chocolate.

  Omega-3 oils (good fats) are essential for normal growth and development, including brain functioning. Deficiencies have been linked to poor memory and concentration, mood swings, depression, aggression and hyperactivity. Omega-3 oils are found in oily fish, for example fresh tuna, salmon, trout, mackerel, herring, sardines and pilchards, but can be taken effectively and safely as a supplement. There is now compelling evidence that adding omega-3 to a child’s diet can boost intelligence and learning, as well as stabilising ADHD.