Ma and Pa Dracula

  “But why?” asked Jonathan. “Why can you and Pa not switch, too? I do not think anyone else sleeps during the day and stays up all night. Why do you have to?” Jonathan paused. He felt confused and angry. “Am I adopted?” he asked suddenly. “I am so different from you and Pa. We are not alike at all. I am adopted, am I not?”

  Ma and Pa looked at each other for a long time. Their eyes were wide. At last Pa said, “All right, Jonathan, it is time you knew the truth.”

  So I am adopted, thought Jonathan. I just knew it.

  “Your mother and I,” Pa began, then he looked helplessly at Ma. “Oh, I cannot tell him!” he cried. “You do it.”

  Ma sighed. “All right,” she said, “here is the truth, Jonathan. Your father and I are vampires.”

  Jonathan laughed. “Ma!” he exclaimed. “Tell me the real truth. I can take it.”

  “That is the truth,” said Mr. Saginaw slowly. “Remember that book on, er, monsters that I got for you at the library last week?”

  “Yes,” replied Jonathan.

  “Go get it, please.”

  With a searching look at his parents, Jonathan got up. He found the book in his room. Then be brought it back downstairs.

  “Turn to chapter seven,” instructed Mr. Saginaw.

  Jonathan did so. “It is called ‘How to Recognize a Vampire,’” he said.

  Mr. Saginaw nodded, meaning for Jonathan to begin reading.

  “Well,” said Jonathan, “it says, ‘There are several signs to check for if you suspect that someone is a vampire. Vampires fear the sun.’” He looked nervously at Ma and Pa. Then he turned back to the book. “‘They cast no shadows.’”

  Pa held his hand under a lamp. Jonathan looked at the table below. No shadow. He gulped, but kept on reading. “‘They are not reflected in mirrors.’”

  “Which is precisely why we have no mirrors,” said Ma. “They would be a waste of money.”

  “There are mirrors in the bathrooms of this house,” Jonathan pointed out. “If you expect me to believe that you are vampires you will have to prove it.”

  “Very well,” said Ma with a sigh.

  She and Pa, Jonathan, and Mr. Saginaw walked into the bathroom next to the kitchen. The four of them stood in front of the mirror. Jonathan saw only himself and Mr. Saginaw.

  “Upon my word!” he exclaimed. “So you are not a vampire?” he said to Mr. Saginaw as the four of them went back to their places at the table.

  “No,” replied his tutor. “Someone shall explain about that later.”

  After a wary glance at Ma and Pa, Jonathan returned to the book. He felt very much as if he had swallowed a rock. “‘Vampires have long clawlike nails,’” he read, “‘ice-cold skin, and fangs. Before eating, they are very thin, their skin is deathly white, and their eyes appear lifeless. After eating, they look much fatter—’”

  “Well, I should not say fatter,” interrupted Ma.

  “‘—their skin is flushed with blood, and their eyes are bright.’” Jonathan didn’t have to check any of those signs. He had noticed them all. “‘Some people also believe that vampires are quite ugly,’” he read, “‘have hairy palms, pointed ears, eyebrows that meet over their noses, and extremely bad breath.’”

  “Thank goodness we are not of that variety,” said Ma with a shudder, looking at her smooth hands. “I would just die if that were so.”

  Ma laughed at her own joke. So did Pa and Mr. Saginaw.

  But Jonathan couldn’t. “All right,” he said to Ma and Pa, “if you are vampires, then what am I? Where did I come from? And what is Mr. Saginaw?”

  “You, my lovely boy,” replied Ma fondly, “are our son. You are adopted.”

  “I thought so,” muttered Jonathan.

  “We wanted a child badly,” Ma went on, “but we are centuries old. Our only hope was to adopt a child. And so we did.”

  “Lucky me,” said Jonathan.

  “And Mr. Saginaw is our, um, helper,” put in Pa. “Like you, he is mortal. He is alive and human. And he does anything for us that must be done during daylight hours, catching sleep when he can. That is his job. Also to care for you.”

  Jonathan shook his head. “I do not believe this. I just do not believe it.”

  “Think about our names,” said Pa. “They tell part of the story. For instance, our last name is an anagram. Switch around the letters in ‘Primave’ and you get ‘vampire.’ And my first name,” Pa went on proudly, “is Vladimir. I named myself for Vlad the Impaler, a horrible Romanian ruler of the fifteenth century. His father was Vlad the Devil. ‘Devil’ can be translated into the word ‘Dracul.’”

  “I,” said Ma, “am Elizabeth, named for Elizabeth Bathory, a female vampire of long ago.”

  “I suppose I am named for some awful vampire, too,” said Jonathan disgustedly.

  “Certainly not,” exclaimed Ma. “You were named for Jonathan Harker.”

  “Oh! I know him! He was the hero in Dracula!” cried Jonathan. “He was the good g—I mean, he was human.”

  Ma and Pa nodded, and Mr. Saginaw harrumphed and looked pleased.

  “But,” said Jonathan, frowning suddenly, “how did you become vampires? You were not born that way … were you?”

  “No,” said Pa. “We were bitten—for our blood—by other vampires. When we realized we could not change what had happened to us, we decided to accept ourselves as vampires, and to stay together. We were already married. We took on our new names and, well, we adjusted to staying out of the sun and to living on blood.”

  Jonathan shuddered. “Where do you get your blood?” he couldn’t help asking.

  “At blood banks, mostly,” replied Ma. “As we leave the house, we turn into bats—”

  “Turn into bats?” cried Jonathan. “You turn into bats? I refuse to believe that my parents turn into bats every night.”

  “Jonathan,” said Ma gently, “all vampires do that. If it upsets you, I am sorry. But that is what we do. Then we fly to the local blood bank, find some small opening to squeeze through, change back to our vampire forms, and have a nice meal.” She sighed, looking quite satisfied.

  “You mean you do not work at the blood bank?” asked Jonathan.

  “No,” Ma answered, “we do not need to work. We have plenty of money. Old money.”

  Jonathan nodded. “Do people not notice that you have been in their blood banks?” he wondered. “Do they not see that the supply is getting low?”

  “Yes,” said Pa sadly, “they do. Well, they do not know that vampires have been flying in, but they do see the supply dwindling. And they become suspicious. That is why we must move so often.”

  “What happens if you cannot get into the blood bank, or if there is not enough blood in it?”

  Pa cleared his throat. “We have to take … other measures,” he replied vaguely. “And if the supply is desperately low, then we must move.”

  “Do you ever kill humans?” Jonathan exclaimed with a gasp. He would have to remember never to let Tobi near his house again. At least at night.

  But Ma answered, “Of course not! We are much more civilized than that.”

  Jonathan hoped so. But he wondered just what Ma and Pa would do if they were very hungry, or if they were lazy and didn’t feel like going to the blood bank.

  He tried to take everything in. His life was falling into place. He understood now why his family moved so often, why they always lived far out in the country, where his parents went at night, and why they looked so awful each evening before they left for the blood bank.

  “I suppose,” he said, “that you do not sleep in the bedroom. You must sleep in the basement. Vampires do.”

  “That is right,” agreed Ma. “Our coffins are there. Mr. Saginaw used to open and close the door to our bedroom so that you would think we slept there.”

  “May I see the coffins?” asked Jonathan.

  “I suppose so,” answered Pa. He glanced at Ma. Ma shrugged.

  Then Mr. and Mrs. Primave led t
he way to the basement. Ma turned on the light, and she and Pa went down the stairs. Jonathan and Mr. Saginaw followed them to the dimmest corner of the basement. There, side-by-side, were two coffins, one white, one brown. Jonathan had never seen them before. Ma and Pa and Mr. Saginaw must have kept them well-hidden during moves.

  “The white one is mine,” said Ma.

  “We must have them with us at all times,” added Pa.

  “Were they in the U-Haul trailer when we were driving here?” Jonathan wanted to know.

  “Yes,” said Mr. Saginaw, “they were carefully covered up.”

  “How lucky that that policeman did not search the trailer,” said Jonathan.

  “Oh, my.” Mr. Saginaw put his hands to his temples as if he had a horrible headache. “That would have been a tragedy. Think of the explaining we would have had to do.”

  “And probably in the sheriff’s office or at a police station,” agreed Ma, looking especially pale.

  “May I see inside the coffins?” asked Jonathan.

  “Well, all right,” said Pa, “but do not … do not get too close at first.”

  Pa opened the lids of the coffins. Jonathan crept nearer to them. Was something going to jump out at him? He tiptoed closer and closer and—

  “My heavens!” cried Jonathan. He backed away. “What on earth is that odor?”

  “Earth,” answered Ma.

  The coffins were filled with dirt.

  “It is from our native country,” added Pa. “It is something we must have.”

  Ma nodded her head. “We apologize for the smell, but the soil is rather old now.”

  Jonathan made a face. “You sleep in it? How can you stand it?”

  “Actually, we like it,” replied Pa. “You would, too, if you were a vampire. But we know it smells because Mr. Saginaw prefers not to get too close to it.”

  “Foul stuff,” muttered Mr. Saginaw.

  Jonathan nodded gravely.

  “Cheer up,” said Ma, “have we not told you that you may go to school like other youngsters?”

  “Forgive me,” answered Jonathan, “but I am trying to—to absorb some unusual news. I have just learned that I am adopted and that my parents are vampires.” He headed toward the stairs, feeling angry. “And furthermore, for nine years you kept me from things I might have enjoyed, like television.”

  Jonathan tried to calm down. “But thank you for letting me go to school,” he said sincerely. “I simply cannot wait for math class!”

  5

  What Is a Cafeteria?

  THE DAY AFTER JONATHAN learned the startling news about his parents, he began trying to stay awake during the daylight hours. And he had a talk with Mr. Saginaw.

  “I would like to register at school,” he said. “Could we do it today or tomorrow, please?”

  Mr. Saginaw was cooking something at the stove. He looked quite busy. “I do not—”

  “Puh-lease?” begged Jonathan.

  “Well, all right,” Mr. Saginaw agreed. “I will arrange something. Wear your nice black suit. That will be appropriate for meeting the principal. Your other suits will be good for school.”

  So Mr. Saginaw set up a meeting. It went quite smoothly. Jonathan and his tutor sat in the office of Mrs. Hancock, the principal, and Mr. Saginaw said, “It is rather a long story, but, well, Jonathan has been tutored at home since he was quite young. I believe you will find him well prepared. He is an excellent reader, probably reading at the high-school level.”

  “Hmm,” said Mrs. Hancock, “in that case, perhaps we should put him in the fifth grade.”

  “Oh, no! Please!” exclaimed Jonathan. “I would much prefer to be with my peers. I have met Tobi Maxwell and I would like to be in Miss Lecky’s class with her … I mean, if that is possible.”

  Mrs. Hancock nodded and smiled. Then she gave Jonathan a test, which he completed quickly. The principal looked it over. “Flying colors!” she said. Jonathan wasn’t sure what she meant, but he was delighted to be told that he could be a student in Miss Lecky’s class.

  After Jonathan’s school registration, the days crawled by. Jonathan learned to sleep all night and to awaken around seven in the morning. And he saw Tobi many times. But waiting for school to start was hard. When the first day of school did arrive, Jonathan was a bundle of excitement. He put on his brown suit. Then he changed to his blue suit. Then he checked his briefcase. Mr. Saginaw had gone shopping for Jonathan’s school things. He had bought a pair of very grown-up-looking shoes he called wing tips, and the briefcase.

  The best part about the briefcase was that Mr. Saginaw had filled it with everything a student could possibly need. Neatly arranged inside were pencils (sharpened), a pencil sharpener, an eraser, a ruler, a compass, a protractor, scissors, notebook paper, extra dividers for Jonathan’s three-ring notebook, reinforcers for the holes on the notebook paper, rubber bands, paper clips, index cards, a set of colored pencils (for making maps and graphs, Mr. Saginaw explained), glue, a small stapler, extra staples, a hole punch, and some masking tape.

  Jonathan looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. Blue jacket, white shirt, blue bow tie. He needed something else, so he took two of his colored pencils from his briefcase and stuck them in his shirt pocket.

  Very studious. Jonathan was ready.

  He said good-bye to Mr. Saginaw. Then, briefcase in hand, he set off. He hoped he could remember the route to school that Tobi had shown him. And he did. He made only one wrong turn before he emerged from the woods to the playground. But then he nearly panicked. There were hundreds of students on the playground! Of course, he’d known there would be a lot of students at Littleton. He just hadn’t expected this many, or to see them all together. He was thinking about turning around and going back home when he heard someone call, “Jon! Jo-on! JONATHAN!”

  Oh, thank heavens! It was Tobi.

  Jonathan ran to her. “Why did you call me ‘Jon’?” he asked.

  “Because ‘Jonathan’ sounds too, I don’t know, too much like a grown-up’s name. It’s nerdy.” Tobi paused. “Actually,” she went on, “you look sort of—”

  “What is wrong?” asked Jonathan.

  “Well, it’s the way you’re dressed. And your—your—”

  “My briefcase?”

  “Um, yes.” Tobi bit her lip. She looked as if she were trying not to smile.

  “But what about my clothes and my briefcase?”

  “Oh … nothing. Come on, let’s go to Miss Lecky’s room.”

  Tobi crossed the playground with Jonathan. Nearly every kid (well, every boy) they passed called out, “Hi, Tobes!” or “How was your summer?” or “How ya doin’?” Except for one kid who called out, “Who’s the geek?”

  In Miss Lecky’s classroom it was the same thing. Jonathan entered cautiously, pausing in the doorway to look around. The room looked pretty much the way it had when he and Tobi had peeked at it through the windows.

  While he stood looking, the kids crowded around Tobi. Tobi laughed and grinned. For the first time in his life Jonathan Primave felt left out—until Tobi pulled him into the room and said, “This is Jon Primave. He moved here over the summer. He’s my new friend. He’s totally cool—”

  “He’s totally cool?” repeated one boy, grinning.

  Another boy snickered. “It’s only September, and we’ve already found the Nerd of the Year,” he said.

  “Hey, kid, who does the briefcase belong to? Your old man?” asked a third boy.

  Jonathan looked helplessly at Tobi. What old man?

  But Tobi was busy glaring at the kids.

  “I do not know any old men,” replied Jonathan. “Except for—” He had started to say “Except for Pa,” since Pa was probably older than six or seven grandfathers put together. But he realized he shouldn’t mention that. “I do not know any old men,” he said again.

  Since Tobi was glaring at everyone so hard, there was a moment of silence. But finally the first boy, whose name was Rusty Benoit, said to Jonathan,
“Nice shoes.”

  The rest of the kids looked at Jonathan’s feet and began to laugh. Tobi put an end to it. “Shut up!” she cried. “This just shows how much you know. Jon happens to be an expert on monsters and ghosts. He’s read millions of books about them. And he moved into the old Drumthwacket place,” she added meaningfully.

  Monsters? Ghosts? The Drumthwacket place? The kids looked at Jonathan with respect.

  Then Tobi added, “Get this. He’s never been to school before.”

  “No kidding,” said another boy, whose name turned out to be Sharrod Peters. “He’s never been to school before? Really? I’d never have been able to tell.”

  Tobi stuck her tongue out at Sharrod, but Rusty suddenly seemed friendlier.

  “How come you’ve never been to school?” he asked.

  Before Jonathan could answer, Miss Lecky stepped into the room. The kids looked at her for no more than a second, then they scattered for seats. Tobi pulled Jonathan to a desk in the back of the room and sat down next to him.

  “It’s always better to sit in back,” she whispered.

  Jonathan nodded, not sure why it was better, and set his briefcase on the floor next to his desk.

  The day began.

  At first Jonathan felt overwhelmed and embarrassed. He didn’t know the Pledge of Allegiance—didn’t even know what it was. Then Miss Lecky reminded the students about lunches and lunch money. Jonathan realized that Mr. Saginaw had forgotten to give him either one.

  “Don’t worry,” Tobi told him. “I’ll loan you some money.”

  When the roll call and the Pledge of Allegiance and the announcements were over, Miss Lecky said, “Class, welcome to fourth grade.”

  “Thank you,” replied Jonathan. Tobi elbowed him, and several kids laughed.

  But Miss Lecky just smiled. “We have two new students this year—Jonathan Primave and Caddie Zajack. I hope you’ll make them feel welcome. And please keep in mind that Jonathan has never attended school before. He has studied at home with a tutor, so some things will be new to him. He might appreciate a helping hand every now and then.”

  A helping hand? wondered Jonathan. What was that?