Away Laughing on a Fast Camel

Not that it would drive off if she were on the back of it.

  In fact if she sat on the back of it, Masimo would probably shoot up into the air. Which would be a good thing.

  9:40 a.m.

  No it wouldn’t. I really like him; it’s not his fault he wants to have fun after a serious relationship. I cannot point the finger of shame at anyone with the General Horn. I too have heard the call of the Horn.

  10:00 a.m.

  But I really do like him.

  It is just not fair that he doesn’t like me.

  lunchtime

  I’ve got big bags under my eyes. And I think I might have lost weight; I’ve only had jam sandwiches and oven chips for the last twenty-four hours. And cornies and toast that Mum brought me this morning, but that’s all.

  2:00 p.m.

  All alone again, the Mad have gone to Grandad’s. Yesterday was the Clown convention and now today is the Mad convention.

  Angus, Gordy and Naomi are all in their bachelor pad, the Prat Poodles’ kennel. Mr. and Mrs. Next Door have gone out and left the Prat Poodles to the mercy of the kittykats. Angus, Gordy and Naomi have finished the nice doggie dinner they found in the kennel and are now having an after-lunch game of Chuck the Squeaking Bone About. It is driving the Prat Poodles insane but they daren’t come out from behind the dustbins.

  3:00 p.m.

  I’ve tried everything to take my mind off Masimo—played really loud music, yoga, chanting, praying to Baby Jesus, plucking my eyebrows; in the end I was so sheer desperadoes I even did my German homework.

  4:00 p.m.

  Rang Dave the Laugh. He answered the phone.

  “Dave, it’s me, Georgia.”

  “Aha, hello Sex Kitty, just couldn’t help yourself then. I know what you mean. I may have to get bodyguards soon, I’m so gorgeous. Sometimes I want to snog myself.”

  “Dave, I…want…well…”

  Oh God I was going to blub.

  He said, “What is it?”

  I said, “I’m really really upset.”

  He sounded serious. “Are you, pet? Why? Tell me, or shall I come round?”

  I said, “Well, I suppose you’re…well…busy.”

  “Do you mean am I with Rachel? You know what I told you about boys, Georgia, you have to spell it out, you can’t be subtle.”

  “Yes, OK, are you with Rachel?”

  “No, I’m not, we went to ‘Late and Live’ and it was a late one, so she’s with her family…anyway, whatever, shall I come over?”

  5:00 p.m.

  Dave and I walked over the back fields, even though it was extremely nippy noodles. I told him what had happened. He said, “Yeah, I saw Lindsay and Masimo last night, he’s incredibly flash, Georgia, he had a suit on, although I must say I didn’t see his handbag.”

  I knew I should have been expecting it, but I still just wanted to blub. Dave put his arm around me. “Listen, I’ll tell you the truth from a Horn Master’s point of view. I think Masimo is playing the field. He can have anyone he wants so he’s bound to be tempted. You said that he had a serious thing in Italy—and he wants to get over that and have fun. But I do I think he likes you, because, well, despite being certifiably insane you are a lovely, funny Sex Kitty. And actually you are quite a sweet person.”

  I couldn’t help it, I gave him a really big hug and tears came out of my eyes. Dave got out his hankie and dabbed them away. Thank God I’d thought better of wearing my boy entrancers. Who knows what would have happened when Dave dabbed my eyes. I could have ended up with a false mustache.

  10:00 p.m.

  Dave’s advice is to not give up and be cheerful, but to be realistic. He says I should believe in myself and think I am the bees knees and then other people (boys) and maybe even Masimo will think I am too.

  I don’t know why, but I sort of believe him.

  He’s actually a great mate.

  And Horn advisor.

  He’s a proper boy mate.

  Who’s like a mate.

  And not a boyfriend.

  It’s relaxing just to talk to a boy and not have snogging on the menu of life.

  midnight

  So how come we got to number six??

  monday may 2nd

  Pelting down.

  I said to Jas as we trudged along under our umbies, “My heartbreak has given me a new dignitosity.”

  Jas said, “Is that why you are walking funny?”

  I gave her my special biffing on the arm that makes your arm go paralyzed. It was her umbie-holding arm and she nearly speared a couple of first formers walking in front of us. That perked them up.

  assembly

  Uh-oh, it’s the fainting season again. We usually have an outbreak just before exams. Kathy Smith and Rosemary Duvall keeled over during “All Things Bright and Beautiful” and had to be carried out. Lucky swine. Slim said, “Settle, girls, settle, they will be quite alright.”

  Just then Isabella King crashed to the ground. They were falling like flies. I might try it myself, we’ve got double physics next. Unfortunately Hawkeye was on the warpath; I could see her giving Isabella the third degree.

  Slim was still aquiver. “You must all make sure you have a good breakfast; not eating causes fainting.”

  I said out of the side of my mouth, “No danger of her keeling over then. Do you reckon she stores extra supplies in her chins?”

  Rosie started uncontrollable laughing. I can feel hysteria coming on.

  As we left the hall, Wet Lindsay was beaking about. I looked at her and she had a really smug look on her face. She is so thin and useless, what can Masimo see in her?

  physics

  We liberated the anatomy skeleton from the blodge lab and put “Fatty,” as we call him, in science overalls. We sat him at the back in between me and Rosie. Herr Kamyer is so duff that he didn’t even notice until the skeleton put his hand up to answer a question.

  lunchtime

  Ace gang meeting in the Science block lavs. I told them what my Horn advisor had said—well, I didn’t actually say that Dave had told me, I let them think it was my own wisdomosity—and they all started nodding.

  I said, “Please don’t start the nodding fiasco again.”

  Jools said, “So what’s your plan—are you going to kill Lindsay?”

  I said, “No, that would be childish. And I am displaying maturiosity these days. So I am not going to kill her; we are all going to start a staring campaign.”

  The plan is that we all stare at a part of Lindsay every time we see her. Like her nose. Or her lack of forehead. Or her stick legs. And so on. She will get paranoid that she has a bogey hanging out of her nose, or her skirt is tucked in her knickers and so on.

  The second part of my mistress plan is to get in tip-top physical condition by going running every day. Then when I am fit as a frog I will casually find out where Masimo goes running and turn up. Like a fabulous running Sex Kitty. And he will be bowled over by my charms, although hopefully not by my nunga-nungas.

  I will wear my new sports bra to keep them under control.

  Simple pimple.

  3:00 p.m.

  Excellent progress in the staring campaign. I gazed at Lindsay’s chin when she was talking to her stupid tragic pals in the corridor. She got all shuffly and then I noticed she went off to the loos. Obviously thinks that she has got a lurker. Hahahahaha. Excellente!!

  3:45 p.m.

  Jools, Ellen and Jas all gazed at the top of her head and they said she went off to the loos again.

  She’ll be practically living in there by the time we have finished.

  4:30 p.m

  Rightio. Part two of my Luuuurve plan. Running begins.

  4:32 p.m.

  It has stopped raining but Gordon Bennet it’s nippy noodles, I can see my breath freezing. No chance of nip nip emergence, though, because I have got my nungas safely strapped in.

  5:00 p.m.

  Phew, I’m boiling and out of breath. I thought I would be quite fit after hockey and ever
ything but I’m not.

  5:10 p.m.

  I might not be able to breathe but at least I am not being knocked out by my basoomas.

  5:15 p.m.

  Right, I’m going to just cut across the top of the field and then come down the hill and come home.

  Can heads explode? Because I think mine is going to.

  5:16 p.m.

  There is some other fool out running. I can hear pounding along behind me but I haven’t got the strength to look round. When I get home I am going to get in the fridge I am so hot and red.

  “Ciao, Georgia.”

  Ohmygiddygodspajamas, Masimo!!!

  Noooooooooooooooooooo.

  He caught up with me and was running alongside me. I just kept running and turned and gave him what I hoped was an attractive smile. Attractive if you like a smiling tomato in a jogging outfit. He looked sooo cool, and not even sweating. Also he seemed to be able to breathe. And talk.

  He said, “You know, I didn’t get your phone number. Would it be possible for you to me for to tell?”

  I gave him another smile. It might be the last living thing I did. Then I saw the hill path and my brain was so starved of oxygen it had no control over any part of my body. My legs started stumbling down the hill path. They were just merrily careering down the path, carrying my head and body along with them. Thank God Masimo didn’t follow me; as he continued along the top path he shouted, “OK Miss Hard to Get, I will see you later when I get back from America, ciao caro.”

  At that point the hill path curved around and I crashed into a bush and fell over.

  in bed

  9:30 p.m.

  Oh ow ow. Ouch and ow.

  He wanted my telephone number and I couldn’t speak. I could only be very very red.

  I can’t stand this.

  I hobbled downstairs and phoned Dave the Laugh.

  “Dave, he asked me for my phone number tonight but I couldn’t give it to him because I was too red. He called me ‘Miss Hard to Get.’”

  Dave said, “Excellent work. You are of course studying at the feet of the Horn Master.”

  11:00 p.m.

  Boys truly are weird. Dave says that I have accidentally done the right thing—I have become the mystery woman.

  11:10 p.m.

  He said, “See you later when I get back from America.”

  That is far beyond the usual “see you later” fandango.

  wednesday may 4th

  evening

  Today was fifty million hours long. I have made Jas find out from Tom who can find out from Dom what is going on with Masimo.

  8:30 p.m.

  Jas said, “Masimo has gone to London for a week and then he is off to Hamburger-a-gogo to visit his olds.”

  11:00 p.m.

  Hamburger-a-gogo land.

  11:10 p.m.

  Merde.

  11:15 p.m.

  Vati roared up in the Robinmobile. Bang bang clatter clatter. Shout shout. He is so shouty and trousery.

  Then Mutti started going, “Wow!! Oh wow. Fantastic!”

  Pray God he’s not got some new even more embarrassing trousers.

  Oh dear Gott in Himmel and Donner and Blitzen, now they’re tramping up the stairs to my room. They burst in and I pulled the blanket over my head.

  Mutti said, “Go on, tell her the news. Tell her!”

  Now what?

  Vati said, “We’re off to America at half term!”

  I shot up in bed.

  midnight

  I hugged my own father.

  12:05 a.m.

  We are off to Hamburger-a-gogo land. I can track down Masimo.

  12:10 a.m.

  I don’t know exactly where he is, but how big can America be??

  Glossary

  airing cupboard • This is a cupboard over the top of the hot water heater in a house. It is used for keeping towels and sheets warm on cold winter nights. Er, at least, that’s what it is used for in normal people’s homes. In my home it is Libby’s play den or Angus and Gordy’s winter headquarters. It is therefore far from hygienic. In fact, you would be a fool to put anything in there.

  arvie • Afternoon. From the Latin “arvo.” Possibly. As in the famous Latin invitation: “Lettus meetus this arvo.”

  bacofoil • Aluminum foil for cooking things in the oven. By the way, why do you leave out the second “i” in aluminium? Because if you just can’t be arsed to have vowels later on in words, where would we be? Do you say plutonum? Or titanum? No, you don’t. Otherwise the whole thing would just become a sham and very very tedus. Not to mentin, confusng.

  Blimey O’Reilly • (as in “Blimey O’Reilly’s trousers”) This is an Irish expression of disbelief and shock. Maybe Blimey O’Reilly was a famous Irish bloke who had extravagantly big trousers. We may never know the truth. The fact is, whoever he is, what you need to know is that a) it’s Irish and b) it is Irish. I rest my case.

  blodge • Biology. Like geoggers—geography—or Froggie—French.

  Blu-tac • Blue plasticine stuff that you stick stuff to other stuff with. It is very useful for sticking stuff to other stuff. Tip-top sticking stuff actually. I don’t know why it is called Blu-tac when it clearly should be called blue sticking stuff. Also blue is spelt wrong, but that is life for you.

  Bovril • A disgusting drink which is supposed to be good for you. It is made out of cows’ feet. It is. Well, I think it is.

  boy entrancers • False eyelashes. Boys are ALWAYS entranced when you wear them. This is a FACT…unless of course they get stuck together and then boys think you are mad and blind and not entrancing at all.

  clud • This is short for cloud. Lots of really long boring poems and so on can be made much snappier by abbreviating words. So Tennyson’s poem called “Daffodils” (or “Daffs”) has the immortal line “I wandered lonely as a clud.”

  Ditto Rom and Jul. Or Ham. Or Merc. Of Ven.

  Curlywhirly • A choccy woccy doodah bar which is all curly and whirly. See milky pops.

  div • Short for “dithering prat,” i.e., Jas.

  do • A “do” is any sort of occasion. We say “It’s your birthday, let’s have a bit of a do.” Or, as in Elvis’s case, “Let’s not have a leaving do, can’t he just go?” Or perhaps I am being a bit harsh. No, I am not.

  dodie • Dummy or pacificer.

  duffing up • Duffing up is the female equivalent of beating up. It is not so violent and usually involves a lot of pushing with the occasional pinch.

  Ethelred the Unready • Ah, I am glad that you asked me this because once more I am able to display my huge talent for historiosity. Most English Kings and Queens get nicknames like “Richard the Lionhearted” (because he was brave and so on) or “Good Queen Bess.” Ethelred (who lived a long long time ago, even before Slim was a young boy) is famous because of being “unready.” The Vikings came to England to pillage and shake their big red legs at the English folk. They sneaked into his castle and caught Ethelred in the loo and took over the castle. Hence his name Ethelred the Unready. He’s lucky that’s all he’s called. Things could be much worse. He could be called Ethelred the Pooey. Or Ethelred on the looey.

  five’s court • This is a typical Stalag 14 idea. It’s minus 45 degrees outside so what should we do to entertain the schoolgirls? Let them stay inside in the cozy warmth and read? No. Let’s build a concrete wall outside with a red line at waist height and let’s make them go and hit a hard ball at the red line with their little freezing hands. What larks!

  fringe • Goofy short bit of hair that comes down to your eyebrows. Someone told me that American-type people call them “bangs” but this is so ridiculously strange that it’s not worth thinking about. Some people can look very stylish with fringe (i.e., me) while others look goofy (Jas). The Beatles started it apparently. One of them had a German girlfriend, and she cut their hair with a pudding bowl and the rest is history.

  gorgey • Gorgeous. Like fabby (fabulous) and marvy (marvelous).

&
nbsp; half term • Oh, of course you know what this is, you are toying with my emotions, you naughty minxes. A term is when you have to go to school, i.e., spring term, summer term, autumn term, etc. Half term is halfway through the term when you get time off the sentence for good behavior. Not really; you get time off because otherwise all the teachers would have a nervy b.

  heavy manners • This is Jamaican patois and means keeping you under surveillance and possibly house arrest. I had a Jamaican mate and instead of saying “Hi,” or “Hello,” he would say “Iry.” But I thought he was saying “Highway” so I would say “Highway” back. He thought I was obsessed with motorways. It can be very difficult to get on with other nations if they will insist on speaking their own languages.

  hobbit • Do we really have to do this? Oh God, are we never to be free? A hobbit is one of those little creatures in the Lord of the Rings with really big ears. They’re bloody lucky to get away with the ears compared to a lot of the other things in the books, orks and so on. Is there anyone in Lord of the Rings who is normal? Answer: no. The whole thing is a nightmare of beards.

  japes • Enid Blyton wrote children’s books about the Famous Five in the 1950s. These five complete wets and weeds had lots of “japes” and “jolly wheezes.” If, for instance, they hid behind the door and then leapt out to surprise their parents, that would be a “wizard jape.” I think you get the picture of what extraordinarily crap books they were.

  Kiwi-a-gogo land • New Zealand. “A-gogo land” can be used to liven up the otherwise really boring names of other countries. America, for instance, is Hamburger-a-gogo land. Mexico is Mariachi-a-gogo land and France is Frogs’-legs-a-gogo land.

  “Late and Live” • A late-night gig which has live bands on.

  loo • Lavatory. In America they say “rest room,” which is funny, as I never feel like having a rest when I go to the lavatory.