Deviant

  I smiled at him and tapped his shoulder. “You go do that. Remind Cynthia of the man she married, then let me know when you want to go away. I can give you the details and have someone meet you at the airport with the keys.”

  Carmichael closed his eyes. “I’ve been a dick.”

  I laughed. “Yes, but we’ve all been one of those from time to time.”

  Carmichael looked to be in deep thought for a moment. “Hey, why aren’t you married yet? You obviously seem to care about what happens with my wife, so what gives?”

  I shook my head with a sigh. “I guess I just haven’t found my Cynthia yet, Aidan.” I gave him a cheeky smile and he aimed another back at me.

  “I better be off,” he said, marching towards the door. “I have a lot to plan. I’ll speak to you later?”

  I nodded. “Of course. Now, go have a nice time with Cynthia. Take her to Angels. I’ll make sure there’s a good bottle of champagne on ice for the two of you.”

  Carmichael smiled widely and patted my back. “I will. Thanks, my friend.” With a final pat, Carmichael left.

  Humphrey came up behind me. “You’re really making sure you keep that fucker sweet after he got you out of the shit a few weeks back.”

  I shrugged. “I guess I’m warming to the little fuck after all.” I smiled and Humphrey laughed.

  “Jimmy called about five minutes ago. He said he would call back.”

  Just as he said this, the phone rang. With not a moment to lose, I ran straight into my office and saw it was Jimmy calling. “Jimmy, is it done?”

  “Yes,” he answered, sounding pissed off. “I don’t know what the fuck that girl’s done to you, but it better be good because I had to witness her face today. She looked fucking broken, Dean.”

  My heart twisted with the news. I wanted to cause her pain, I wanted to get her back, but why did it fill me with such despair then? What was this gut-wrenching, stomach-churning feeling I had inside me? Could it possibly be guilt? I don’t ever feel guilt. I shouldn’t have to feel guilt. But, for some reason, I felt it nonetheless.

  “Where is she now?” I asked, sounding just as dejected as Jimmy did.

  “She’s back at home.” Jimmy sighed and, for some reason, the sound made my head pound. “Listen, I’ve always liked working for you, and I’m willing to do anything, you know that. I took this on because you promised me you wouldn’t hurt her. I know I meant it in the physical sense, but you should have seen her, Dean. You didn’t see the pain in her eyes. I never want to see that again. I’ll kidnap a guy, torture him for you if I have to, but don’t ever ask me to do that again.”

  Pinching the end of my nose, I sighed. “You have my word.”

  “Thanks,” he answered before hanging up.

  All I could do after that was sink down in my chair and stare at the walls. I had gotten what I came for, so why was it I felt so fucking small right now? Why did I feel like the biggest shit on earth? I preached to Carmichael, but I was just as bad—worse, in fact. I sent Jimmy to that hospital pretending to be a reporter just so he could witness for me the pain she would be in. I was such a coward that I couldn’t even do it myself. Deep down, I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it. I knew it would end up breaking me as much as it did her. So why did I do it? I had to convince myself it was necessary. She had betrayed me and she needed to know what that felt like. It was what I had been planning all along.

  So why is it that I was planning to visit Jeremy tomorrow and tell him it was all one big mistake? That what happened was just one big misunderstanding, and that Tyler was completely innocent?

  Maybe it’s because, deep down, you really care, my inner voice seethed. Even my subconscious thinks I’m a fucking asshole.

  “I don’t fucking care!” I shouted, getting out of my seat.

  “You don’t fucking care about what?” Humphrey asked at the door.

  “Nothing, old man. You just get back to getting ready for your lady. I’ve got other shit to deal with.” I tossed the phone I still had in my hand and sat back down with a huff.

  Sensing my frustration, Humphrey sat down opposite me. “Have you ever heard of the saying ‘Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves’?”

  I sighed, knowing exactly where this was heading. “Yes, but I can’t see how this has anything to do with me.”

  Humphrey laughed and shook his head. “Deany boy, you dug your grave a long time ago when you started this thing. Now all you’ve done is bury yourself in it. You’re up to your neck in it, Dean, and pretty soon, if you carry on the way you are, it will swallow you up and you’ll suffocate in it. The sickest part about all this is you’ve ended up falling in love with her again. The one person who hurt you the most is breaking you without her even knowing it.”

  “I’m not in love with her, Humphrey, and she hasn’t broken me.” I was angry, so fucking angry. I didn’t let her in. I couldn’t fucking let her in.

  Humphrey shook his head. “You’re so blind that you can’t even see what’s right in front of you. Dean, please, you have to stop this. I’m thinking of you, as well as her. You will make her fall, and you will only come tumbling down after her.”

  I shook my head. “No, I won’t believe what you say is true. She did what she did and she had to pay.”

  Humphrey sighed and got up from his chair, shaking of his head. “And now she has, Dean. Leave it the fuck alone. You seek havoc, but all you’ll end up finding is despair. Let it go.” Reaching for the handle of the front door, Humphrey left with a silent click of the door, and I was left with his parting words whirling around in my head.

  You seek havoc, but all you’ll end up finding is despair.

  I didn’t care for Tyler, I hadn’t let her in, and I certainly didn’t love her. I made that mistake once. I wasn’t going to let myself fall for it again. “Fool me once…” and all that shit.

  But no matter what I thought, it didn’t stop that nagging voice in my head. It didn’t stop the fucking agonising pain in my gut. And it didn’t stop my black heart from finally beating for Tyler. She was bewitching me and I was letting her.

  I was right when I told Tyler I was a demon, but I had to make certain she wasn’t right, too.

  Chapter 37

  Tyler

  Buckinghamshire, 2001

  “That guy over there’s looking to get his head kicked in.”

  I looked over and saw a boy of about eighteen or nineteen staring over at me. “Dean, he’s only looking.”

  Dean placed a very possessive arm around my shoulder and scowled at the boy. The boy’s eyes widened and, very quickly, he looked away.

  “That’s better,” Dean said, huffing a little.

  “What’s wrong with him looking at me?” I asked, not wanting to let this go.

  Kissing me softly next to my left eye, Dean smiled. “It’s not the looking that bothers me. It was how he was looking at you. I’m a man, so I know what other men think. He was practically undressing you with his eyes.”

  Nudging him gently in the ribs, I giggled. “Oh, come on, Dean. He was just looking.”

  Dean faced me and leaned into my ear. He was so tall now, at least seven inches taller than me. In the ten years I have known him, he’s just shot up. “No one gets to look at my girl like that, Tyler.” The way he whispered it into my ear made me shudder, then he gently nibbled on my ear, making the fires rage inside of me. “No one.”

  *****

  I didn’t know what time it was when the phone started ringing. All I knew was that I had been sleeping, dreaming of Dean and I again. When the phone wouldn’t stop, I switched my light on and noticed it was a little after one in the morning.

  Rubbing my eyes, I got up and wrapped my dressing gown around me before running for the phone. I really needed to get one installed in my room. I had been meaning to do it but, then again, no one normally calls me at such an ungodly hour.

  “Hello?” I whispered into the phone. I couldn’t help the yawn that escaped
me. I was still half-asleep.

  “Tyler?” the voice said with a hint of urgency.

  “Rachael?” I was fully awake now, both panicking and secretly praying Jeremy wanted to see me. “Is Jeremy okay? Does he want to talk? I can be there in less than twenty minutes.”

  Suddenly, she burst into tears, and the sound of her crying had the bells ringing in my ears.

  “Jeremy’s pneumonia came back, but he hoped he could beat it. He made us swear not to tell you so you didn’t worry. About an hour ago, he started convulsing and slipped into a coma. I simply had to call you and let you know.”

  My heart started thumping through my chest as I frantically ran around the room, trying to gather my things. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Then I hung up.

  I didn’t waste any time. I was at the hospital as soon as possible and running through the doors. “Tyler, you’re here,” Rachel whispered.

  I looked at where Jeremy normally was and he wasn’t there. The panicking intensified. “Where’s Jeremy?” I asked, terror in my voice.

  “We’ve had to move him to ICU. You hung up on me so fast, I didn’t get a chance to tell you.”

  My eyes widened as the horror of her words sank in. “Where is the ICU, Rachael? Can you take me there?”

  Rachael nodded and took my hand. “Of course. It’s down on the first floor.”

  I followed her into the lift, my heart in my mouth. I could tell by looking at Rachael that there was more to this than what she was telling me. “What’s wrong, Rachael? Please, tell me,” I implored.

  Rachael looked over at me briefly and bit her lip. “His lungs are failing. We’ve had to hook him up to machine to help him breathe.”

  I suddenly found I couldn’t breathe. My knees were weak and my gut clenched in agony. I couldn’t have Jeremy give up on me. Not now that we’ve found each other.

  Once the lift doors opened, Rachael led me down the darkened, quiet hallway and to a door which had a security entrance system. Rachael keyed in a number and I followed behind her.

  When I saw Jeremy, my heart couldn’t take anymore. I sobbed, throwing a hand over my mouth to try and capture the noise. Jeremy was lying there, looking paler than ever. His skin was yellow and the dark circles under his eyes were more purple than I had ever seen them. There was a tube inside his mouth and I could hear the machine beside him pumping air into his lungs.

  Rachael was suddenly there by my side, offering a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. “I will stay here tonight. I don’t want to leave him. I’ve offered to help down here on an extra shift.” Rachael smiled timidly, and I couldn’t help but feel eternally grateful to her.

  Placing my hand on hers, I smiled as best as I could. “Thank you. I really appreciate that.”

  Rachael nodded. I sat down beside him as she checked his vitals. “There’s no change,” she whispered.

  “What’s the outcome, Rachael?” I asked as I took Jeremy’s hand.

  “This is the worst part about it. I can’t tell you. It’s anyone’s guess. Time is the only thing that will tell.”

  I looked across at Jeremy, tears in my eyes. “He can’t give up, Rachael. He just can’t.”

  Handing me a tissue, Rachael came over to give me a gentle pat on the back. “I’ll give you some time to sit with him.”

  I watched as she walked off and I sat there staring at Jeremy’s drawn face. He looked so fragile just lying there with the breathing machine next to him. In a sense, it was too much to take.

  “Jeremy,” I whispered. “You have to know that I never betrayed you. I would never do anything to hurt you. I want you to know that no matter what, you have me for life. I will never let you down. I will be there for you through thick and thin. I need you to know that I love you, Jeremy. I love you like the brother I never had. You mean everything to me, so I can’t lose you. Please, Jeremy. Please get better. Please don’t give up on me.”

  I was met with only the noise of the machines and the sounds of the constant ringing in my ears. I felt vacant. I seemed to slip into a blank world and just stared into space. It was calm there. Nothing and no one could hurt me. After a while, I placed my lips on Jeremy’s hand, giving him a gentle kiss. With a turn of my head, I relaxed onto our intertwined hands and closed my eyes. I inhaled Jeremy in, letting his scent surround me. It was the only comfort I had now.

  *****

  The sound of an alarm woke me. At first, I thought it was my alarm clock and it was time to get up for work. But then I heard people’s voices screaming at one another, I felt someone’s hands on my shoulders.

  “Tyler, you have to move.”

  Opening my eyes, I saw Rachael desperately trying to raise me out of my seat. There was a doctor there, and another two nurses were running in with a crash cart.

  “No!” I screamed. I tried to go to him, but Rachael and another nurse pulled me out of the way.

  “We have to work on him, Tyler. I’m sorry, but you have to move.”

  I let them take me so they could do their job, but I felt helpless. “Please!” I shouted. “Please help him.”

  The doctor started the defibrillator and the sound of it rang in my ears. Once he cut open Jeremy’s top, he placed the pads down on his chest. “Clear!” he shouted. He placed the defibrillator on Jeremy’s chest and zapped him. It raised a little, but nothing happened. The doctor restarted the machine and did it a second time, but still nothing. I was lost. The fear of having Jeremy slipping through my fingers was an overwhelming feeling. He can’t leave me. He just can’t.

  The doctor did it another couple of times, but there was still nothing. With an effort to keep going, he started chest compressions. It seemed to go on forever, and all I could do was watch and pray.

  With a snap of his head, the doctor shouted at one of the nurses for a shot of adrenaline. He quickly administered it, but after a few moments of more compressions, the doctor looked up at a nurse. My heart dropped because I knew exactly what that look meant. He was giving up.

  “No, you can’t give up. You have to keep going!” I felt Rachael grip my shoulders tightly as the doctor stopped trying to pump life into Jeremy.

  “Time of death, five thirty-seven a.m.”

  “No!” I screamed again. “Please, you have to do something. He’s only sixteen. He’s just a boy!”

  The doctor came up to me and placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Miss O’Shea. There was nothing more we could do. His lungs started failing and all his other organs followed. Even if we could have brought him back, he wouldn’t have lived long.”

  I stared at him blankly as he hung his head. He left and I was suddenly cocooned in Rachael’s arms.

  The ringing in my ears instantly rang louder, my heart thumped, and my hands started shaking. “No,” I said, shaking my head. “No, this can’t be. Tell me it’s just a joke. Tell me he’s really okay and that he’s still coming home with me. Tell me, Rachael!” My voice was breaking, but my heart was breaking even more. It couldn’t be true. Jeremy was going to make it through this. He was going to trust me again, and we were going to live together like the family he never had.

  “I’ve arranged for him to go to school, and I’ve moved some things into his room for when he comes out. I’ve—”

  “I know,” Rachael answered with a sob. “I know you have. Jeremy would have been lucky to have you. He knew that in the end. I can promise you that.”

  I didn’t believe her. “It’s all my fault he’s dead. I did this to him. He trusted me and he died thinking I let him down.”

  Rachael sniffled and I could tell she was finding it hard to speak. “No!” she shrilled. “Jeremy was a very sick boy, Tyler. He died because his organs couldn’t take much more, not because of something he thought you did. You can’t blame yourself for that. I spoke with him after you left. I told him I knew it couldn’t have been you behind all of that today, and I could tell, in his heart of hearts, he felt it, too.”

  No matter what she
said, I still didn’t believe her. He trusted me and he died thinking I betrayed him. “Please,” I begged through my sobs. “Please tell me it’s a mistake. Tell me I’m dreaming, Rachael. That this is all just one big terrible nightmare.” My sobs caught in my throat as I fought hard to breathe. I just couldn’t believe that Jeremy…the bouncing, bubbly boy with a heart of a lion and the dreams of a potentially brilliant young man…was gone, never to return. He could have done anything if he had set his mind to it.

  For some reason, my mind wandered to that day when we went on the helicopter ride. He was so full of enthusiasm, I had little doubt that if he wanted to pursue a life as a pilot, he could achieve it. Remembering this, I remembered the photograph of him and me on that helicopter ride. We both looked so happy back then, so full of hope for the future.

  But now…now he had nothing ahead of him and it felt as though it was all my doing. He kept people away because he thought they would all just let him down in the end. People stayed away from him because they didn’t want to get too close. I just wanted to be a part of his life. I wanted to show him that sometimes in life, you can trust someone enough to let them in, let them be a part of you through the good times and the bad. To let him see just how wonderful it was to have someone in your life you could rely on one hundred percent.

  “I’m so sorry,” Rachael said with a little sniffle. “I wish I could give you better news. I wish all this was just one terrible nightmare, but I can’t lie to you, Tyler. Jeremy’s gone.”

  Hearing those final words were the end of me. Nothing made sense anymore. Everything just fucking paled into insignificance. My mind went blank, my hearing cut off, and the world just seemed to stop spinning. It was as if time stood still. Nothing moved, nothing changed, everything just stopped.

  And so did I.

  Chapter 38