HEADMASTER

“Once you try Mum’s stew no other will compare,” Anthony says, offering a wink.

  He looks just like Easton. They all do in fact—apart from Ella, who looks just like her mum.

  “I can’t wait,” I respond. “I’m starving.”

  As the bowls of stew are laid out and the bread is cut, Easton takes my hand in his and gently squeezes. As I watch them all laugh and converse, I realise how much I want this for myself when I’m older. For the first time, I want a family … and a large one at that.

  “What is it, dear?” Evie asks when she spots my smile.

  Embarrassed that I had been caught, my cheeks redden. I then look away shrugging my shoulders. “It’s just nice to see such a close family. Looking at you all just made me feel … happy.” I look down.

  When nobody says anything I look back up to see them all smiling at me, and then Evie blurts, “Believe me, after almost thirty years of hearing your brother’s farting and burping, I’m not so sure.”

  Everyone roars into laughter, and it immediately lessens my embarrassment. We then eat—all the while talking about Christmas and what everyone is doing for the new year. Easton’s right, the stew is lovely. I lap up every single morsel.

  “Thank you, Evie. That was lovely.”

  “You’re welcome, darling,” she responds, offering me a lovely smile.

  “So, Sasha,” Ella begins. “I bet you get to see Easton a lot, don’t you? As you’re a student you’ll have the same hours and holidays?”

  I smile nervously at her. “Yes, that certainly helps.”

  “Excuse me a moment,” Grayson says, his chair scraping across the floor. My heart drops as he leaves.

  I feel Easton squeeze my hand. “I’ll go talk to him.” He gets up to follow Grayson to wherever he went, leaving me a bundles of nerves with the rest of the family.

  “Grayson’s always got a stick up his arse,” Hamish groans.

  “Sorry about our brother,” Ella interjects.

  “That’s okay,” I answer, shaking my head. I know if they knew what he did they’d all think the same. They would have a right to feel the same.

  The conversation soon resumes and I hear stories of Ella and how she met her American husband on the London Eye when he had been vacationing there. Then quickly Hamish interjected telling me funny stories of some of the people he had arrested over the years.

  Easton and Grayson were still gone by the time we got up to clear the plates away. I offered to help, but again I was told to stay and enjoy my wine. Instead I went in search of Easton only to find him outside on the terrace with Grayson, who is smoking a cigarette. I walk out and straight away the smell hits me. It’s certainly not a cigarette.

  They both look when I come out and I approach Easton sheepishly. “Am I interrupting anything?”

  Easton smiles, taking me in his arms. “No, not at all. I think Grayson and I are done now, aren’t we, Grayson?” I could hear the warning tone as much as Grayson must have.

  “Are you okay with this?” Grayson asks me.

  “Grayson, stop,” Easton starts, but I place my hand on his.

  “It’s okay, Easton. Grayson has a right to ask. And the answer is no, of course I’m not okay with this. I hated bending the truth back there. If I could change my situation don’t you think I would? Now that I’ve found Easton I can’t see my life without him in it. I know that you’re upset and I understand the reasons why. I would do absolutely anything you asked of me when it came to your brother, but the one thing I can’t do is stay away from him. I’m in too deep.”

  I feel Easton wrap his arm around me, so I turn to face him. He’s smiling like a Cheshire Cat. “What are you smiling at?” I ask, smiling myself.

  “I so want to have sex with you right now.”

  “Fucking hell, give me a break,” Grayson sighs, shaking his head, but I’m surprised when I see a small hint of a smile. “I can accept that you’re together, but that still doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.”

  I nod my head. “I understand.” I pull away from Easton’s embrace and stand in front of Grayson, holding out my hand. “Friends?” I ask, waiting for him to shake my hand. At first he just looks at it. “Considering you’ve seen me naked I only find it fair.”

  He manages to keep his stern look right until the very end and then a huge smile forms on his lips. Right there is where he looks exactly like Easton. It’s actually uncanny.

  “Okay, friends,” he answers, taking my hand and shaking it. “Just don’t hurt my brother.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it,” I reply.

  He takes one last drag of his joint before flicking it out onto the grass and turning to leave.

  “Mum’s going to flip if she finds that out here in her garden.”

  “Ugh, stop nagging,” he grumbles. “I’ll get it tomorrow.” He walks away waving his hand as if to say leave him alone. He then disappears into the house leaving Easton and I to cuddle. It’s cold out here, though.

  “Let’s get you inside. You must be freezing.” Easton wraps an arm around me and leads me back into the house.

  “Can I go up to your room for a moment?”

  His eyes light up. “Can I come with?”

  “No,” I snap back, shaking my head on a smile. “I need to do something alone. Tell your family I will only be a few minutes.”

  Easton groans, but nods his head, allowing me to ascend the stairs on my own. Luckily Easton’s room is at the end as I doubt I would have been able to find it otherwise. I make quick work gathering all my little trinkets together, deep in concentration to get everything just right. Once done, I take one last look and smile. It’s not the greatest, but it will do.

  I take the stairs down holding them both in my hands. I look for Evie in the living room, but all the boys are there laughing, joking and drinking whiskey by the fire. So I venture off towards the kitchen, hoping I will find both Evie and Ella in there. Sure enough they're together putting away all the dishes in the cupboards. When they spot me, they both smile and say my name at the exact same time as each other making us all laugh.

  “I have a little present for you both,” I begin, walking towards them. “It’s not much, and I don’t have everything I would like with me, but I hope you like it.”

  Evie gasps. “You shouldn’t have, but I’m sure we’ll love it. What is it?” she asks, already looking towards my hands.

  I open the hand that has Evie’s bracelet and let her pick it up. “I like to do bracelets that mean something,” I begin. “I like to design trinkets to put on the delicate silver brace. For you I put a microphone because I now know you love singing. I’ve also put a cake on there for your love of cooking, and a family because I know how much family means to you.”

  She looks at the bracelet and delicately traces along the edges. “It’s beautiful.” She suddenly grabs hold of me embracing me in a fierce hug. “Thank you.”

  “What about me,” Ella whines, making us all laugh.

  I open up my hand and she takes it from me with wide eyes. She runs her fingers over the US flag, and then Big Ben.

  “I didn’t have one of the London Eye, I’m afraid, so I had to improvise.”

  “It’s beautiful,” she replies. “I love it. Thank you.”

  I smile, glad that I was able to do the designs for them. “You’re very welcome.”

  I watch as they help each other place it on their wrists before Evie turns and says, “Come on. Let’s show the boys.”

  We all walk into the living room with big smiles on our faces. Easton spots me straight away, smiling and motioning for me to sit with him by the fire. He has my glass of wine and offers it to me as I sit next to him.

  “You’re drunk, aren’t you?” I ask, noticing the silly grin on his face.

  He nuzzles his head in my hair. “Fucking steamin’ … but only for you, lassie.”

  “Look what Sasha designed for us,” Evie shouts, showing everyone her new bracelet.

  “And mine,” Ella s
econds, pushing her wrist out for everyone to see.

  They all look, trying their best to look impressed. I appreciate not all men are into that sort of thing.

  “They’re beautiful,” Anthony starts. “You did them yourself?”

  All eyes on me. I nod my head. “Yes, it’s a little hobby of mine. I find it therapeutic.”

  “You’ve got a real talent. I know at least twenty friends who would want one of these,” Ella says, smiling towards me. “You should set up a business online selling them on eBay, or something. I reckon you’d make a killing.”

  “Maybe one day,” I reply. “Right now I’m concentrating on my studies.

  “And a good thing too,” Evie retorts. “Get that out of the way first and then the world’s your oyster.”

  “To Christmas,” Hamish suddenly shouts changing the subject. We all laugh.

  “To Christmas!” we all shout back, clinking our glasses.

  Easton hugs me tightly to him and I rest my head on his chest. I look around to all his family smiling, laughing, and having fun, and it’s then it all hits me.

  This is where I feel I’m supposed to be.

  Church

  “She’s losing a lot of blood. We need to get her into theatre. Stat.”

  My eyes flutter open and all I can see is light blinding my eyes.

  “Ray? Ray, can you hear me?” a distant voice says. “I’m Doctor Ramu, and you’re in Trinity Hospital. We’re about to put you under anaesthetic.”

  I want to know why. I try and get the words out, but I can’t seem to move. I’m confused, disorientated. I can’t remember how I got here. My world turns black.

  When I open my eyes again, I’m in a quiet room, lying on a hospital bed. I’m hooked up to an IV, and the sun is shining through the window. I flutter my eyelashes again and it’s then I feel something restricting my hand. I look towards the source and find my mother clasping my hand, but she’s leaning on the chair at the same time in sleep. She looks awkward and I know that her neck will be sore once she wakes.

  Tears prick my eyes. Is this real? Is she real?

  After all these years of thinking she’s dead I can’t quite grasp the fact that she’s actually here.

  “Mum,” I say, through my sobs, moving my hand underneath hers. She rouses, with a moan, but doesn’t fully wake. “Mum,” I say again, with more urgency in my voice. This time she wakes more alert than ever.

  “Ray?” she asks, bolting upright. I smile through my tears and that’s when she pulls me in for a hug. “Oh my God, Ray, I was afraid I would never find you. I never gave up hope, though. Never.”

  “Mum,” I say again through my sobs, hugging her tightly to me like she’ll somehow fade away, “is it really you?”

  She pulls away, sniffling through her tears as she grabs my face. “I’m here, baby. I’ve always been here.”

  I start to laugh through my happy tears, elated that she’s in front of me. “I thought you were dead.”

  She shakes her head. “I was always out there, Ray. Always.”

  I close my eyes as the anger sets in. Liam lied to me. He lied to me. Why?

  I must have said it out loud because my mum answers, “Because he wanted you all to himself, Ray. He was obsessed with you. I’m so sorry I allowed him into our lives.”

  I take her in for another hug, feeling all the hurt, all the pain, and all the anger at Liam and what he’s done to me and my mum. “Don’t be sorry, Mum. You were never to know that this would happen. No one would have known.”

  “I’m your mother,” she answers, angrily. “I should have been there for you. I should have protected you. You were just a child!”

  Child.

  Baby.

  Bits are coming back, but I’m still a little disorientated. “What happened?”

  Mum pulls away again and grabs both my hands in hers. “A pharmacist said you had come in a couple of weeks ago for a pregnancy test. She knew that she had seen your face somewhere, but it was only when she got home later that night that it dawned on her who you were. She went online, searched for me, and got in touch through Facebook. At first, I thought it was a bad joke. We’d had no hits, and all the ones we did have proved to be nothing in the end. It was only when I spoke with her and she relayed to me what had happened that I started to have hope. She said that you had come in for a pregnancy test and had looked lost and broken. It made my heart break all over again, but at least I had a real reason to hope that you were alive. And, if it was you, at least I knew you were comparatively safe and well if you were healthy enough to be pregnant. Soon after my encounter, the police were sent to question her, and she agreed that if you came in again, she would call the police immediately.”

  More hot tears fall down my face. I am starting to recall everything, and it’s then I remember why I am here.

  “The baby?” I ask, not knowing whether or not I want to know the answer.

  My mother looks down and shakes her head as tears start to flow down her face. “You suffered a miscarriage, Ray. The baby’s gone.”

  It’s two days before Christmas, and both Easton and I have agreed to go our separate ways in order to get each other a Christmas present. Luckily, I knew just what to get him, so I was able to shop quickly before deciding to take a detour to the nearest church. I got him a watch, because although he has one he says it’s getting old. Right then I knew that a watch is what I should get. It cost me quite a bit in savings, but it’ll be worth it to see his reaction when he opens it.

  Yesterday my mum arrived and she too quickly felt at ease with Easton’s family. They’re all really loving and accepting of everyone. Even Grayson’s coming around to me now. I’ve had the luck of receiving at least two further smiles since the day we arrived and we had our little chat in the garden.

  No one is sitting in the church when I arrive and I’m kind of glad of that as I take my seat and contemplate everything that’s happened.

  As I look up towards Jesus hanging on the cross, I cry. I’m grateful of so many things, but also I carry guilt. So, so much guilt that it eats away at my insides at times. I say a silent prayer saying sorry in the hope that one day I will be forgiven.

  “Sasha?”

  I snap my head up to find Easton cautiously approaching me. Despite my tears, I smile and try to wipe them away. I pull my head back towards Jesus and see in the corner of my eye that Easton’s sat next to me. He doesn’t say anything and I’m grateful for that. He’s allowing me time to go over whatever it is I need to.

  I take in a deep breath and wonder for a moment how it is he knew I was here, but then I remember my mum. She would know. I assume it was her that told him where I was.

  “A year ago today I lost a baby.”

  The silence is so deafening, I can almost hear my heart beating. Easton doesn’t say anything. I know it’s because he’s waiting for me to continue. I swallow hard as I know how difficult this will be for me to continue, but I also know that I have to get it out.

  “Two months before I was found, I bought a pregnancy test. The lady at the store recognised me, but at first she didn’t know from where.” I take a deep breath knowing what I’m about to say is the hardest thing in my life. I need to get this out, though. I trust Easton explicitly. When he takes my hand and grips it that gives me the courage to go on. I turn to him momentarily, a small smile coaxing my lips. It soon disappears when I look away.

  “I went back that day and took the test. Liam found out later that day and was ecstatic.” I feel Easton gripping my hand when I mention his name. I know he hates him, but again allows me to continue my story.

  “I wasn’t ready to be a mother.” Tears start to roll down my eyes when I think about everything that occurred. “He was so happy and I was so miserable. I was only seventeen, and to be honest, I think deep down I knew I wasn’t in love with Liam. I was just so swept away by him and by all that I thought he had done for me.” I dip my head in shame and sniffle before looking back up.


  “When I went back to the pharmacy to get some folic acid for the baby, the pharmacist was there again and recognised me from last time. She managed to sneak me in the back room and that’s when she told me that my mother was alive. The shock caused my body to shut down. I woke up later in the hospital connected to a drip. My mum was there and she told me that I had lost the baby.” I start to sob and that’s when Easton throws his arms around me.

  “I’m so sorry that you ever went through that, Sasha. You should never have been put through the trauma of losing a child.”

  “But that’s just it,” I say, wiping my nose and pulling away. “When my mother told me and started crying, do you know what the only feeling running through me was?” He shakes his head. “Relief,” I say, trying to bite my lip to stop myself from crying. “I had just lost a baby, and all I could think about was how relieved I was. What kind of person does that make me?”

  “Oh, shit, Sasha, come here.” He pulls me into his arms again and starts stroking my hair. “You know what that makes you?” he responds, gripping me tightly to him. “It makes you human. It makes you a victim of a life you were forced to live. You never asked for what happened to you, Sasha. You asked for none of it. If anyone should feel blame or guilt about what happened, it should be that fucker, Liam. Do you hear me?”

  Fresh hot tears pool down my face as I nod my head. “The guilt,” I whisper. “It still haunts me.”

  He pulls me away cupping my face in his hands as he captures me with his soft brown eyes. Eyes that are now glistening with unshed tears. “If I could take that guilt away, I would. That’s something we need to work on together, but I will tell you one thing, lassie. No guilt should ever be placed on a child. Ever. Especially one that’s had to live through a hell that you have. He is to blame for all of this. Not you. Never you. You didn’t ask for what happened, so you can’t be blamed for feeling that relief. And I know this sounds completely cliché and totally inappropriate, but the baby obviously wasn’t meant to be anyway. He doesn’t deserve to have a child. He’s not worthy to be a father. You, on the other hand will be a worthy fantastic mother.” I start to shake my head, but he grips my head tightly. “Don’t,” he warns with determination in his voice. “The mere fact that you’re here in this church, crying over the guilt you feel speaks volumes. Do you really think He would want you to suffer now after all the suffering you have already endured?” He flicks his head to the figure of Jesus, and I follow the direction of his gaze. I turn back, shaking my head. “Of course He wouldn’t. He knows in your heart that you feel that guilt, but I’m sure all He wants is for you to carry on with your life. Live it without remorse or regrets. Nobody blames you for what happened, Sasha—no one except for you that is. I just hope that one day you will let that guilt float away completely.”