Altered

  I look behind me. Erik rides silently. Even if Jost knows nothing happened between Erik and me, it’s meaningless. I didn’t kiss Erik, but I wanted to. I ripped a deeper void between them than can ever be patched.

  Erik didn’t kiss me that night either, because he loves his brother despite everything that’s passed between them.

  Now that we’ve driven beyond the Interface’s boundary, overhead a sprinkling of stars peek out and the moon perches in the gray night sky. In Arras, a Spinster moves the time along, determining how the light will fade, whether the sunset will be orange or rose or purple. She places a false moon in the sky. Earth is a world born from nothing but potential. I think of the books in Kincaid’s library. The ones that contain theories on Earth’s origin, positing everything from a cataclysmic spasm in the universe to a creator placing it here, placing us here. I’ve seen in Arras what comes of the idea of a creator; I like the idea of randomness better. That we are born of infinite possibility and fade back into the fabric of the universe to feed new life. That the moon perches overhead simply because, and nothing more. I don’t want to live my life at the hands of another, I want to live my life now, deciding my own fate.

  Whatever lies ahead of us on Alcatraz could change everything, but I choose the path of self-determination. Whether we find the Whorl—if we accomplish the separation of the worlds—I will listen to myself. My fingers find the techprint on my wrist.

  I’m not meant to remember who I am. I have to discover who I am.

  * * *

  Alcatraz Island is full of men and women with scarred skin that shimmers and shifts. It’s not the decrepit old facility we expected. It’s full of white light that bounces off metal tables and blank walls. There are no bars on the cells, only thick glass. The prisoners beat against it, lick it, scratch at it, leaving bloody streaks from deeply torn nails behind, but we can’t hear them. We hear only a low hum from the energy powering this place. It must take so much of it, I think. The hum grows louder until it’s pulsing thick in my ears and I can feel it there in my head, under my skin, behind my eyes. I try to shake it out but it won’t fade. I tug on Dante’s hand. He’s closest to me, but he keeps walking forward, down a hall toward the black doors at the other end. He can’t hear me in here either. I cry out, but I can’t hear myself over the pounding in my ears. Around us more Remnants gather at the transparent walls of their cells, and they start thumping against the glass. Their faces constrict into masks of ferocious concentration. Their hands are balled in fists. I don’t have to hear them, because I can feel it. The ground beneath me shakes and concrete pillars spit dust over us as though the prison will collapse at any moment.

  I run to Jost and pull on his arm, warning him to hurry, that they’re going to break loose. But when he turns around his hair grows lighter, and he morphs into Erik. I scream.

  “Ad!” Dante’s call startles me from the dream and I arch in my seat, running a hand over my bleary eyes.

  “You were asleep,” Erik says. He’s grabbed on to my seat, clutching it for balance.

  “It was a nightmare,” I murmur, my mouth full of cotton.

  “No one here to drug you,” Erik says with a wry smile, but it’s too soon to laugh about Kincaid’s betrayal.

  “You want to stop for a second?” Dante asks, pulling Erik back in his seat. “Walk around?”

  I shake my head. I want to put distance between Kincaid and the horrors of the estate. I want to move forward. More than anything I want to get to the Whorl—my future—and get on with it. I’m not eager to have total control of Arras, but I can’t let someone else have it either. Certainly not Kincaid. The Whorl will give me a chance to right so many of my mistakes.

  The world outside the crawler is dark with night, and above us the sky is black and full of stars and milky bands of light. The ocean laps against the road, and I can see where parts of the pavement have crumbled and fallen into the sea.

  “You think that bridge is safe?” Erik asks, his focus ahead on the faded burgundy bridge in the distance.

  “Probably not,” Jost answers. “But we don’t have to cross it anyway.”

  He takes one hand off the wheel and points outside to something planted firmly in the ocean—a towered compound rising up from the water. The familiarity of the stone towers unnerves me.

  “What is that?” I breathe.

  “Alcatraz Island,” Dante says. “It was a prison before the Exodus. The Guild keeps the Whorl there now. That man who came through the loophole—he found out about it.”

  “After all these years,” I say, staring across the ocean, “you’ve found it.”

  Jost slows the crawler when we reach a patch of shoreline that’s intact. It’s full of rocks and long, winding grass.

  “High tide,” Erik informs me, helping me out of the back of the crawler.

  “How do you know?” I ask.

  “Fisherman’s son,” he reminds me. “The water has risen as close to the shore as possible. When the tide goes back out, the shore will stretch farther out.”

  “What’s underneath it?”

  “The water? Rocks and seaweed and seashells.”

  “Seashells?”

  “You’ve never seen a seashell?”

  “No, I have. On the Stream, at least. But I’ve never seen the ocean until now.” The fake one programmed into my window screens at the Coventry don’t count.

  “I never taught you to swim.” Erik’s words are an apology as he sweeps a finger along my jaw.

  I bite the inside of my cheek, daring to say the thing I shouldn’t. “You will.”

  I wander down to the fringe of the water with Erik, wishing it was daylight and warm enough to slip my toes in and feel the sea. The water goes on forever, at moments peaceful and then bursting with a wave that washes down with mighty force, nearly reaching our feet.

  “It’s beautiful,” I murmur.

  “I ran from my village,” Erik whispers, “but I never stopped missing it.”

  “Was it like this? The Endless Sea?”

  “Yes and no. It was calmer. Why control the ocean if you can’t control it?” he points out.

  “Why control it at all?” I wonder aloud as I stare at the magnificent, powerful waves. I can imagine how lovely the ocean’s strands would feel on a loom, strong and slick and ancient, but they can’t compare to standing here, looking out and never seeing where it ends.

  “Mind giving us a hand?” Jost calls, and I turn to see he’s spread a thick plastic sheet on the ground.

  “What’s that?”

  “Our raft. I mean, if we’re still going,” he replies, pain edging into his words. Is that what it will always be like? Hurting him to exchange a few words with Erik? Would it be better to hurt Erik by ignoring him to spare Jost? Behind me the ocean laps on, beating against the shore in rhythmic bursts, reminding me that I’m small and insignificant.

  Erik and Jost set to work, inflating the raft until it’s a large boat that, to be honest, looks a little flimsy considering we have to get out past these waves.

  “How will we get out there?” I ask, staring at the frail raft.

  Jost and Erik exchange a look, a first since we fled the estate. The fact is that the ocean is their territory and there’s no sense denying that now.

  “We’ll push you out,” Erik says.

  “How?” Valery asks, alarmed. She’s been quiet most of the trip, but I don’t blame her for speaking up now.

  “You’ll sit in the raft and we’ll swim it out,” he replies.

  “Is that a good idea?”

  “I’ll help,” Dante volunteers.

  “You spend much time in the ocean?” Jost asks.

  Dante shakes his head. He’s their equal in size and strength, but even I know that doesn’t mean he has the skill to navigate this water.

  “We can do this,” Erik assures us. “Fisherman’s sons, remember?”

  I swallow and force a nod. I like this idea less and less, but I have to trust
that they have the skill to do it. Meanwhile Dante passes foam suits to us.

  “Put this on,” he orders. “That water is cold enough to kill you if you go in.”

  If we go in, I think, I’m not worried about the cold. But I struggle to get my suit on. In the end, Valery and I help each other with the difficult zippers on the thick, fitted suits. Jost and Erik have theirs on before we’ve sealed the sleeves, making them waterproof. When the suit is on, it flexes enough for me to move, but it’s tight.

  “And once we’re out there?” I ask, forcing myself to think ahead. I don’t like the idea of sitting in a raft while two of the people I care most for in the world drown.

  “Paddle,” Jost says, swinging a long stick up for me to see.

  I eye it apprehensively. “You want me to do what with that?”

  Jost swings it in a small circle, dipping the flat end of it and then raising it back up for a split second before dipping it through the air once more. “I’ll call beats from behind. Right and left. If we’re going to get across this current, we’ll need to time things well.”

  Behind him the water smashes hard against the rocks, each wave unpredictable. How are we supposed to get across that?

  “We have four paddles,” Jost says. “Ad and Dante will each take a side in the front, and we’ll take the rear once we’ve got you over the surf.”

  “And me?” Valery asks, her voice lacking the miffed tone she usually takes when she’s left out.

  “You sit in the middle and look pretty,” Erik says.

  She gives him a scathing look, but lets him help her into the center of the raft.

  “What if we go over?” I ask. The wind has picked up and it bites against my face.

  “If you go over, we can’t help you,” Jost says. “Once we’re out there, you’re gone. This current is fast.”

  I find myself looking for a bridge or a boat or something that isn’t going to result in my drowning, but I know we don’t have time. Since the tide is still high, Dante and I wade in a few feet behind the raft. A wave crashes down across my ankles and I’m surprised at its force. I can’t imagine how we’ll ever get past the surf.

  Erik’s arm slides around my waist, taking me by surprise. He steadies me as I climb into the raft and hands me a paddle.

  I must look nervous because he leans down to my ear. “Dip it in when he says right. As soon as we get past the big waves, I’ll be there behind you.”

  I nod, which makes my ear brush against his lips.

  Jost and Erik push the raft hard against the tide and we catch a large wave. For a moment Jost’s head disappears below the surface, and a scream rises in my throat but he reappears, pushing us harder. I don’t like this, especially when the raft catches a wave and we ride up, threatening to tip over. My nerves twist with each surge of water, but the brothers get us past them. Once the rolling tidal waves are behind us, they both hoist themselves over the side and onto the raft. They have to be freezing, even in their suits, but they set to paddling immediately.

  The current tries to push us west, to the middle of the ocean and away from the island, but we beat on against it. I dip my paddle in unison with Jost’s orders, although the wind catches his voice and carries off many of the commands. At a distance the waves seem small, but as they crest closer, my heart pounds. I concentrate on timing my paddle strokes to control the helpless panic threatening to break over me with each new swell.

  The prison is in sight, towering on the horizon. It stretches across the island, demanding my total focus. All of the answers lie there.

  A wave seizes us, and I miss the beat. The force of the ocean knocks the paddle from my hands, and without thinking I reach out for it. I barely have time to register the panic and take a final breath before I go under.

  The water is black and cold, and it pushes me with ancient force. My arms stroke against the pressure, but it pushes me farther down until my muscles are on fire. Slowly the burning dissipates and I relax, letting the water take me down, down, down. I open my mouth and let it flow into me until I am the ocean itself. But when the last of the air seeps from my body, I gulp against the pressure until my lungs stop trying and everything goes black.

  THIRTY-SEVEN

  GLASS SPLINTERS THROUGH MY BODY, the ice-cold water bursting like shards into my skin. And the darkness—a void that presses me into nothing. I’m dead or very close to dead.

  Cormac is going to win.

  And then life rushes in at me and ebbs quickly out. Bam! My eyelids flutter. I see blue, then black. Bam! And the water gurgles from my throat. Bam! I suck at the air. I hack against the water, and my chest blazes.

  “Adelice!”

  I want to respond. I want to respond.

  “Ad, I won’t let you go. Stay with me.” Erik’s cry is more urgent and his lips are on mine, like a kiss that pumps into my chest, breathing into me.

  Lifesaving.

  Life changing.

  I feel heavy, locked to the rocky shoreline. I want to roll over and drain into the ground, but I can’t find the strength. I’m so exhausted. Erik is next to me. His arm is around me, but he doesn’t move.

  My body can’t respond. For the first time in weeks, I want to cry—to pour my sorrows into a puddle of mistakes beneath me. I let my tears come then. Tears for the life I lost in Arras. Memories overcome me. My parents dancing in the kitchen, my sister giggling over the daily gossip, Enora fussing about my outfit. Running, running, running with no need, because I wanted to. Now I can’t stop running long enough to catch my breath, and the whole world seems murky in the strange shadow of Alcatraz.

  I struggle to my feet, my muscles protesting the movement. Immediately I regret standing. Not only does it hurt, but also, it’s cold. My suit flaps at the waist, and I realize Erik must have undone it to save me. I stare down at him. He isn’t moving and the shaking starts, rolling through me as powerfully as the waves that snatched me from the raft.

  The cold makes the tremors of my body more violent, and I realize my clothing is soaked. I drop back onto the ground as quietly as I can and maneuver into Erik’s arms.

  “You okay?” he murmurs, his eyes still shut.

  “I think so.” But as I speak, my teeth chatter, the chill curling into my fingers and into my core.

  Erik snaps to and stares at me, his eyes wide with concern. Then a moment later he starts unbuttoning my wet jacket.

  “What are you doing?” I demand, trying to find the strength to pull away.

  “Stop fighting me,” he says as he strips off my jacket and starts on my shirt.

  “Erik,” I begin, but the shuddering stops my tongue from forming words.

  He doesn’t speak, just tugs my shirt off. I’m too cold and too tired to feel self-conscious or awkward. And then he starts stripping himself.

  “Erik!” It’s more of a shriek than a name.

  Erik wraps his arms around me, drawing me closer until I’m cocooned in the heat of his body. My skin wakes and warms to his, and we stare at each other until I feel heat rising everywhere.

  “I thought I lost you,” he murmurs.

  “You didn’t,” I say.

  “Adelice, I—”

  “I know,” I stop him.

  His lips are on mine, full but gentle, and I feel liberated by his kiss. The want of it. The need of it. We crush against each other. I explore every bit of his mouth—the subtle bow in his top lip, the softness of his bottom lip, where the two crease. When we pull apart, he’s breathless and wide-eyed, and I see myself, equally excited, reflected back in his irises.

  After a few awkward pants, I laugh, and his mouth splits into a wide grin.

  “We have horrible timing,” I say.

  “No,” he says, showering me with dozens of tiny kisses. “Better late than never.”

  He hovers over me, and I know we have to go. We have to find the others.

  “We’ll have our time, Ad,” he promises me.

  I reach up and brush his hair behind
his ears, noticing that my fingers still tremble even though I’m no longer cold. I want to believe him.

  * * *

  The terrain onshore is difficult to navigate. The wild grass can’t be counted on for help. One handful might give me enough leverage to hike up higher, but the next betrays me. Erik pauses for a moment, farther up the hill than me.

  “You know, Ad,” he calls over the bursts of wind off the water, “I could carry you up.”

  “Like a sack of flour?” I ask in mock interest.

  “Nah, like a newlywed,” he yells. “Over the threshold into a prison of lies.”

  “What every girl dreams of,” I shout back. I don’t stop climbing, although a good part of me would like to see Erik trying to carry me up, and the wicked part of me has other reasons for wanting to be in his arms.

  Erik loses his grip and slides back several feet, but I keep going. My effort is rewarded when my hand finds flat, solid ground, and hoisting myself up, I discover a road. Scrambling over the side, I sit and wait for Erik, feet dangling over the precipice I’ve surmounted.

  He takes one look at me and groans. “You’re looking smug, Miss Lewys.”

  “I’m feeling it,” I admit, kicking my feet back and forth.

  “Mind taking a moment from your superiority and giving me a hand?”

  I pull myself to my feet and lean over, arm out wide. “Benevolence is one of my many superior attributes.”

  Erik uses me to balance, but I sense he’s trying not to put too much force on me.

  “For Arras’s sake,” I swear, latching on to his hand more tightly and pulling against his weight, but then he pulls back and I stumble forward under his weight. A small cry escapes my lips before I realize he’s already on the road. He’s merely pulled me into his arms.

  He radiates heat against me, his hair clustered in thick waves from the moisture in the air. In the night, his eyes are silver-gray and wild as the ocean below us.

  “I know,” he says before I can protest, leaning closer to me, “we don’t have time.”