Shadow in Serenity

  “Maybe you’ve been bored in that little town, child. There’s a lot of gypsy in you. Maybe part of you misses the excitement. Maybe that’s what he represented.”

  Carny found that explanation unsettling. “That would mean I deserved it. That I invited it. Just like Pop said.”

  “Dooley told you that?”

  “Well, not about Brisco. But that’s his general contention about all marks. And that’s just what I am. Brisco’s mark. Only I didn’t ask for it, Ruth.”

  “Are you saying that you don’t still have a wanderlust? A need for excitement?” When Carny hesitated, Ruth went on, “Then explain the plane you fly, and the bungee-jumping you wrote me about, and the motorcycle you ride around town. I remember you as a little girl, child. I know you.”

  “But that doesn’t mean I haven’t put the lies and deceit and all the ugliness behind me, Ruth. And it doesn’t mean that I’d go looking for it again. I’ve made a good life for Jason and me.” She got up and walked into the kitchen area, leaned against the counter. “Ruth, everything changed for me in Serenity. I went to church there, and Brother Tommy told me I could start fresh. He made me believe that whatever I’d done and whatever I’d been in the past could be wiped clean.” She went back to the couch, and sat facing Ruth. “Everything changed. I changed.”

  “And then you turned into my teacher and told me all about it,” Ruth said. “And I changed, too.”

  “Everybody there loved me, because that’s what they do. They love.” Her voice broke. “So if I finally had what I’d always wanted, why did Logan make me want more?”

  Ruth shook her head. “Something about him made you want to believe. Something inside you needed what he had.”

  “Then what does that say about me?”

  “It says that you’re just as human as anybody else, child. And that you’re not so tough. That’s why people like Dooley and Lila keep getting away with the same scams. They paint pictures of hopes and dreams. They make hard people trust.”

  Carny leaned forward. “The crazy thing is, when I think of Logan the way he was last night, I don’t see signs of the lies I saw before. He sounded so sincere. He told me what he really was, confessed everything. He said he wanted to change. Ruth, he told me he’d prayed … that God had washed him clean too. It sounded so real. He was going to confess to the people in church today …” Her voice cracked. “But he didn’t. He checked out of his motel and left town.” The tears made a second assault, and her face warmed as she pressed it into her hands. “Ruth, I really believed him. But it doesn’t matter what I believed. He’s gone. He’s still got their money. I tried to tell everybody, but they wouldn’t listen. And why should they, when I was eating out of his hand too?”

  She looked up. Ruth held her gaze for a long moment, processing everything she’d told her. “Maybe he’ll come back.”

  “What?”

  “If you believed him that much, and if all you say about him is true, I can’t help thinking that maybe it’s not over. It’s just hard for me to believe you could be taken that way, girl. You’re a good judge of people. Maybe you weren’t wrong about him. Maybe it’s not over yet.”

  Carny sniffed back the pain that threatened to smother her and whispered, “Trust me, it’s over. He left a message that he was rethinking telling the town the truth. That’s not surrender to God. He’s still playing the game. He didn’t mean any of it.”

  “It’s hard to change, baby. Maybe he just lost his nerve. Maybe he needs more time to do the right thing.”

  Carny wouldn’t give him more time. She wouldn’t be taken again.

  Back at her parents’ trailer, she tried to get comfortable on her pallet. But Logan’s words last night reeled through her mind, keeping her awake. Disappointment in him ached through her, but her disappointment in herself hurt worst of all.

  She realized as she lay awake on the floor of the trailer she had been so eager to leave years ago, with her sweet, innocent little boy lying on the bed where she used to sleep, that it didn’t matter who she had been. Ruth’s affirming words had helped. In the end, it came down to whether she could look herself in the mirror each morning and know that she’d done the best she could.

  She was strong, and she had survived before. She’d get over this, just like the town would. It wouldn’t be easy, and it would take time for her to heal. But she had too much going for her to let someone like Logan Brisco rob her of her spirit or the joy in her life.

  After a sleepless night, dawn invaded the room, lighting the old trailer with gray tones, and Carny asked herself the final question that kept eating at her.

  Why couldn’t she hate him?

  That was the ultimate punch line of his con. That no matter what he did to her, she couldn’t hate him. He was the first person since Abe who had made her fall in love. And that part wouldn’t be easy to get over.

  Jason stirred and turned over. “Mom? Can we ride the roller coaster today?”

  Smiling, she told herself she could get by as long as she had Jason. “Sure, honey.”

  “Can we stay here a long time?”

  “Maybe a couple more days,” she said. “Until they tear down.”

  “Really? We don’t have to rush back home?”

  “No,” she whispered. “I’m in no hurry to get back home.”

  forty

  They had been with the carnival for three days when Carny began to sense something in her father that she hadn’t seen before. It was the integrity of a grandfather, and the dignity of an older and supposedly wiser man, trying to pass some of his experience on to a third generation.

  Finally feeling that Jason would be safe with her parents, she allowed them to take him around the carnival as they handled the myriad details that had to be attended to each day before the gates opened. She watched her parents revel in the chance to entertain their grandson, and felt for the first time that the lessons he could learn here might not be all bad.

  She also realized that, despite their lifestyle, she loved her parents. And in their own peculiar way, they loved her.

  “Do you think a man who lies for a living can ever be trusted?” she asked Ruth as they watched Jason drive her parents off behind the wheel of the golf cart.

  “Do you mean Logan?”

  “I guess,” she said. “Although I was thinking of Pop.”

  “Oh, come on,” Ruth said. “You trust your father. You know he’d never do anything to hurt you or Jason. He does love you, and so does your mother.”

  “I know,” she said. “And that’s what makes me wonder about Logan. Do you think that maybe Logan loved me too, in his way?”

  “Of course I’ve never met him,” Ruth said, “but I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. I suspect he did. And leaving probably caused him as much grief as it caused you.”

  “How do you figure that?”

  Ruth shrugged her wide shoulders. “Well, honey, if a man couldn’t change, if he only knew the kind of life where you had to cheat and lie to get by, maybe the last thing on earth he’d want to do is fall in love. Maybe that’s why he left. Love was about to make him do things he was afraid to do.”

  Carny fought back the tears threatening her again and said, “He told me I deserved an honorable man.’ “ Swallowing, she said, “I felt in my soul that he meant it.”

  “Then I’m sure he did, honey. Maybe he’s more noble than you think.”

  “But he backed away from his commitment to confess. He went back to his wheeling and dealing.”

  “Maybe it was too much for him all at once. People with lots of sins stacked up sometimes can’t imagine life as a new person.”

  Later, when Ruth was tutoring a pair of carnival twins, Carny went to the Ferris wheel. She rode it alone, and when it lingered at the top, giving her a view of the world of her childhood — a view that should have made things clear to her — she remembered Logan’s words again. You deserve an honorable man.

  He had meant it. She knew he had. And as
crooked as he might have been when he’d come to town, something had changed in him. But it wasn’t enough.

  As the sun set, she wept in her lonesome seat in the double Ferris wheel. She wept for all the dreams she’d had as a child, walking alone down a midway teeming with families. She wept for the broken heart she kept having to mend, even after vowing it would never be exposed again. She wept for the hopes Logan had tricked her into embracing, when she’d known better all along.

  “Jesus,” she whispered, “you’re plenty for me. Please help me stop wanting things I can’t have.”

  The Ferris wheel came to a stop while the jockey let off some passengers, and she looked down at the lights blinking beneath her. She listened to the clashing sounds of the rock music at the Himalayan, and the twangy country music at the Bucking-Bronco-Bull ride, and the dubbed voice at the House of Wonders. It all reminded her of a childhood full of chaos and longing, where roots weren’t allowed to grow and friendships were never planted. A youth where trust was never cultivated, and life was an endless pursuit of something that didn’t exist.

  That night, when she was back in Ruth’s trailer, Carny came to a sudden realization.

  “He did give me something I needed,” she whispered.

  Ruth’s fingers stopped on her computer keyboard. “What would that be, baby?”

  “He reminded me that I could fall in love. And that I’m not invincible. That, after all these years of standing on my own, of insisting that I didn’t need anyone, maybe I really did, after all.”

  “You don’t need anyone, Carny. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting someone.” Ruth turned her body around on the bench she sat on. “Look at me, honey. I weigh more than anybody I’ve ever met. I can hardly get up to walk across the room. For years, I made a living getting gawked at all day. But at night, when it’s late and dark and cold in this trailer, I sometimes wish …”

  Carny waited, but Ruth didn’t seem able to say the words. “What, Ruth? What do you wish?”

  Ruth’s eyes filled with tears, and she blinked them away. “Oh, baby, I want more for you than I have. And you do have more. You have that little boy. But you should have even more. You deserve so much. And there’s not one thing wrong with your wanting someone to hold you at night.”

  Carny wiped the tear stealing down her face. “It makes me feel weak. It sets me up to fall.”

  “I don’t know what’s worse, baby. Never getting off the ground at all, or taking off and falling. Personally, I think I’d choose to make the memories. Maybe there’s an ending you haven’t predicted yet, child. Maybe your story’s ending is a happy one.”

  “No, Ruth. I don’t think so. How can I ever let myself be vulnerable again?”

  “I believe you will, Carny. And when you do, it’ll be all right.”

  But Carny wasn’t convinced. She went back to her parents’ trailer, slid onto the small bed with her son, and held him close as she slept that night.

  When a week had passed, and the carnies were tearing down, preparing to head to California, Carny couldn’t avoid it any longer. It was time to go back to Serenity. Time to confront the disappointment in the faces of her friends. Time to admit that she’d been as big a fool as they’d been.

  They waited until all the rides had been dismembered, until all the booths had been loaded onto their trailers, until there was nothing left but concrete and tar. Finally, Carny saw the wistful look on Jason’s young face. “It’s all gone,” he said softly. “And it happened so fast. Like magic. Only in reverse.”

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “The best part came first. And then there was … just nothing.”

  His words were truer and more profound than he knew, and they left an ache in her heart. Yes, the best part did come first, and when it was gone, it left only dust and garbage. But the imprint of it on their minds remained.

  forty-one

  Jason was pensive as their plane left the runway later that day. “Mom?”

  She glanced at him, smiling at the headset that was too big for his head. “Can I call Logan when we get home, and tell him we’re back?”

  Carny hadn’t spoken of Logan to Jason since they’d left Serenity, and for a moment, she pretended to be intent on flying the plane.

  “Mom?”

  “No, honey,” she said finally. “Logan … Logan is gone. He went to Dallas the morning we left.”

  He gaped at her. “When’s he coming back?”

  “I don’t know.” She struggled to find the right words. “It’s kind of like the carnival, Jason. The magic comes first —”

  “Logan’s not like that.”

  She bit her lip, wishing she could tell him he was right. But she wouldn’t lie to him. “He is, baby. He’s just like that.”

  “He’ll be back,” Jason said. “He has to. He’s my friend.”

  Carny didn’t answer, and again, Jason waited. Tears came to her eyes. “Honey,” Carny said, “we may not see Logan again.”

  He caught his breath, and when she looked at him, she saw anger rather than surprise. “But what about the park?”

  “There are things you don’t know about Logan. He hasn’t been honest about everything.”

  “No!” He screamed the word into his microphone, almost bursting her eardrums. She’d never seen more rage on her son’s face. Not even the night he ran away. “That’s not true! Logan wasn’t lying. He’ll be back! You’ll see!”

  Swallowing the knot in her throat, she didn’t answer.

  She watched as Jason looked out the window, hiding the tears pushing into his eyes. When she reached over to touch his hand, he jerked it away.

  “You still think he lies,” he said into the mike bent in front of his mouth. “After all he’s done!”

  “Jason —”

  “Well, he doesn’t!” he shouted. “You’ll see. Logan’s gonna do everything he promised!”

  For the rest of the trip, Jason cried quietly in his seat, staring out his window. Carny couldn’t seem to fight her own tears, and by the time they landed, she was exhausted from the tension in the plane.

  When they finally pulled onto the tarmac at Carny’s hangar, she touched his arm. “Jason, you know I love you, and I would have done anything to keep you from getting hurt. I’m so sorry.”

  “You’re wrong, Mom,” he said. “I know you are.”

  The moment she killed the engine and the propeller stopped turning, Jason was out the door, running to their truck.

  The Texas sun was directly overhead as Carny reached her house. The grass had grown taller than she liked it, since she hadn’t mowed it before she left. Next door, she saw Janice out working in her garden. When Janice saw Carny, she abandoned her rake and walked across the empty lot between them. Before she’d even gotten out of the truck, Janice called through the window, “Carny, where have you been? I’ve been worried about you.”

  Carny slipped out of the truck. “We went to see my folks. I’m sorry you were worried, but I left J.R. and Bev a note.”

  She pulled their suitcases out of the back of the truck. She wanted to ask Janice if she’d heard anything from Logan, but she wouldn’t let herself, not in front of Jason.

  Handing the smaller suitcase to her brooding son, she said, “Take your stuff in, Jason, and I’ll call J.R. and Bev to let them know we’re back.”

  “Then I’m going to Nathan’s.” Jerking up his bag, Jason took it into the house.

  “Go ahead and call them,” Janice said, breaking into a soft smile. “Then come over and I’ll update you on things.” She started to walk away, then turned. “I’m so glad you’re back. We missed you.” Waving, she cut across the yard.

  Carny got her suitcase and went into the house just as Jason shot back out. The curtains were still drawn and the lights were out, and it was hot, since she had turned the thermostat off before she’d left.

  It was the first time since Carny had bought the house that she hadn’t been happy to come home to it. r />
  She set the suitcase down in her living room and looked at the couch, where she’d held Logan and talked about Jesus.

  What had Logan been thinking? That she was a fool?

  Tears assaulted her again, and she slumped onto the couch. Taking a deep breath and sniffing back her tears, she grabbed the phone and punched out her in-laws’ number.

  “Hello?”

  “Bev, it’s me. We’re back.”

  “Carny, why didn’t you call? And why didn’t you answer your phone?”

  “I turned it off Sunday,” she said. “Guess I let the battery die after that. I really just didn’t want to talk.” Carny heard Jason’s shouts outside. She stood and looked out the window. He was running, with Nathan on his heels, heading home with a smile on his face the size of Texas.

  “It just isn’t like you to go off like that,” Bev said. “Are your folks all right?”

  “Yes, they’re fine. Uh … Bev, let me call you right back, okay?”

  “Carny, I have things to tell you!”

  “In just a minute,” Carny said.

  Hanging up the phone, Carny hurried to the door and caught Jason as he burst in. “Jason, what is it?”

  “Mom! It’s started! I told you it would!”

  “What has?”

  “The park!” He tried to catch his breath. “Nathan said there were bulldozers and cranes, and they’re clearing all the land!”

  “What?” She turned to Nathan, who looked ready to burst. “Nathan, that can’t be. Logan left town.”

  “Yeah, to get more money,” Nathan said. “Now Logan’s got all the money he needs. Our money, and the bankers’, and some other people he got. It’s gonna be so great! My dad took me out there to see the work this morning. They’ve been working for three days.”

  Carny felt the blood draining from her face. “Are you sure?”

  “Positive. Dad said they’re clearing all the trees, but the ground-cutting ceremony is next week.”

  “Ground-cutting? You mean groundbreaking?”

  “Yeah, that. The governor is coming and everything!”