From Within

  I washed Embree off of me, needing to replace her with Bee’s warmth and waited in my bedroom for her. There were rules that we followed for her and for me. I spoke. She answered. Nothing more. Nothing less.

  Ten minutes later, the door opened.

  My breath caught in my chest at the sight before me.

  Bee was beautiful. But not in your typical way. Her nose was crooked from having it broken when she was a child by a baseball. She was curvy, freckles adorning her body but she was mine. I just didn’t know how to claim her as such.

  “Caiden?” She knelt at my feet, waiting, like she always did.

  But this time, something was off. The world had tilted on its axis or some shit because I had no idea what the fuck was wrong. I pinched her chin, tilting her head to meet my mouth.

  She sighed against me, returning the small kiss.

  “Take off your coat and lay on the bed. Present yourself to me, beautiful girl.”

  Her eyes darkened and she did as she was told. “Did you sleep with Embree?”

  It was the same question every time she came over. “Yes.”

  “Then use me. Let me erase her.”

  Our eyes locked. And him, went unsaid.

  Xander

  “DUDE, DID you see that fine piece of ass checking you out?” Lee Swift asked Caiden. Our mutual friend stared at him in awe like Caiden was a fucking God or some shit. “It’s the scars. It has to be. Chicks love them.”

  “So do some men,” Caiden added, winking and took a swig of his beer.

  I grunted. “Yeah. You should see the people falling all over themselves to get Caiden to notice them when we go out.” I laughed, a sigh of relief washing over me. It had been a couple of weeks since our…moment…or whatever the hell it was. I didn’t want to lose Caiden in any way and everything felt normal. Back to the way it was before he mentioned my stupid fucking demons. I had none.

  “God, it’s been so long since I’ve been out. Caid, care to be my wingman Friday night? I need to get fucking laid.” Lee’s bright green eyes twinkled with hope as he waited for a response from Caiden.

  “You going to come with?” Caiden asked me. He handed me another beer, sitting beside me on the couch.

  “Sure.” I shrugged. Maybe I could find some pussy that didn’t belong to Embree. She had taken up residence in my bed the past couple of days and I didn’t have the energy to kick her out. Call me an asshole, but she was only there to cure my boredom. She knew it. I knew it. Sometimes Caiden and I even shared her. God, I was such a dick.

  “Still thinking about Embree?” Caiden asked me, lighting up a smoke.

  “What, are you reading my mind now?” I took the cigarette from him and inhaled the sweet addiction.

  “No. I know you.”

  “Embree is a disease I can’t cure.” My heart felt lighter at saying those words out loud. It was true. I couldn’t get rid of her. She was worse than a fucking disease. She would be the death of me. I knew I’d fuck her again. It was only a matter of time but I needed something else. Something to appease this unhealthy craving I had of the female form.

  “I’ll drink to that,” Lee stated, lifting his beer.

  We all had her. I never knew what swirled through a woman’s mind to think she had to sleep around to get attention. If you wanted me to notice you, just talk to me.

  “Well fuckers, I’m heading out.” Lee rose to his feet. “Friday night,” he said, stretching.

  “You’re leaving already?” Rolling a joint, I licked the end of the small white square and slid my thumb along the spliff with my thumb.

  “Yeah. I have some shit to do.” He looked away, brushing a hand through his shoulder length brown hair.

  “What gives? You never leave early.” Caiden grabbed the joint from me and lit it, keeping his gaze locked with mine.

  Since I had the panic attack a couple of weeks ago, something had shifted between us. I liked to think everything was normal but hell if I knew what was going on. I wasn’t sure what was different. If anything at all. I was so fucking confused.

  “I…I need to go.” Lee hightailed it out of there before we could ask anything else.

  “Well that was fucking odd,” I mumbled.

  “I’m going to a club.” Caiden inhaled his smoke, letting it out in small puffs shaped like circles. “Wanna come?”

  “What club?” I repeated his movement, the spicy scent of the intoxicating weed flowing through my lungs. My body buzzed. It invaded my mind, sending my heart racing. Every time I embraced the high, it was a new experience. No high was like the one before. Always getting the good shit, the substance was pure. Uncut. Clean. I took another toke when I realized Caiden never answered my question. “Caid?”

  He looked down, ripping the label off of his beer bottle. “It’s a club that could help you get control of your demons.”

  He always called them my demons. Like they belonged to me. Well I didn’t fucking want them. “My demons are fine.”

  His dark sapphire eyes saddened. “Until you come to terms with the fact that you do have demons, I can’t help you.”

  So we’re back to this shit again? “I never asked for your help.”

  He nodded once.

  Laying on the couch, I continued indulging in the high invading my body. My eyes fluttered, allowing the weed to take over.

  When I opened my eyes, I was alone. Several different emotions travelled through me. Guilt for not listening to Caiden. Anxiety over this new switch in our friendship. I had no idea what the hell was going on. He was a good guy and he deserved a friend who didn’t hold him back. God, what the hell was wrong with me?

  “Shit,” I yelled out, the hot amber burning my fingers. Not knowing if I fell asleep or not, I rose to a sitting position. My body cracked in the process. Rubbing the grit out of my eyes, I sighed, butting out the roach.

  “What are you doing to yourself, Xander?”

  My eyes shot up at the smooth feminine voice. Hope floated towards me, her gaze sad.

  “Hope,” I croaked out. “What…” I shook my head. “Am I dreaming?”

  “You are.” She sat beside me on the couch and placed her fingers in mine. Her hand fit in the size of my large palm, her thumb rubbing back and forth across my skin. She was pale and smooth, where I was rough and hard. I remembered her being soft in all of the right places. It was perfect the way her body fit against mine.

  “I miss you,” I blurted. “So damn much.”

  The dream image of her my mind had made up kept her at the age from the last time I had seen her. Ten years. Ten fucking years.

  “Come find me, baby.” Her words whispered over me like a gentle caress.

  “How?” I asked, shoving to my feet.

  “Ask Caiden.”

  The moment I opened my mouth to reply, my skin heated, burning to the point of agonizing. It had felt like someone was ripping off the layer of my flesh.

  “Xander.”

  I frowned at the soft firm use of my name, the voice somewhere off in the distance.

  “Xander?” Hope reached out for me.

  “Please. I’m losing myself. I need you,” I cried, falling to my knees.

  “Xander.” That voice again.

  “Stop,” I yelled. Gripping my head, I rocked back and forth.

  “Come find me.” Hope’s body started fading. “Find me,” she pleaded.

  “No!” I screamed when a sudden force had me on my back. It was so strong, it knocked the breath out of me.

  “Xander!”

  An unexpected ounce of agony seared its way into my lungs, forcing my eyes to pop open.

  “Zee. Fuck man.”

  The remnants of my dream faded around me when my gaze landed on the dark blue depths of Caiden.

  “Caiden.” My voice was hoarse, like I had gargled with a cup of broken glass.

  Smoke billowed around us making my eyes water.

  Caiden looked down at me with pity in his gaze but an underlining hint of an
ger swam in the pits of his stare. “Let’s get you out of here.” He coughed, helping me to my feet.

  The room spun around me and I wavered, holding onto Caid’s large body for support.

  He hooked an arm around my middle, guiding me out of the small apartment that was now erupting into smoke and flames.

  Fire.

  Oh shit.

  What the hell did I do?

  Hope

  “MY NAME is Hope Charming.”

  “Hi, Hope,” the crowd of people sitting before me, said in unison.

  “Today marks the fifth anniversary of my sobriety.” I let out a heavy sigh, a moment of relief being lifted off my shoulders. I did it. If I would have been alone, I would have fist-pumped the air.

  My eyes scanned the small crowd before me. Each of them had their own story to tell. Reasons for why they drank, smoked up, let themselves go. Whatever the situation may be, we were all there to support each other. “We all have something to say. Maybe our anniversary date. Maybe we have a new job. Or maybe we became legal residents of America.” I glanced at a Hispanic woman from Mexico who received her legal papers after years of fighting for freedom her home country couldn’t give her.

  Her dark brown eyes filled with tears, a grin spreading on her tanned face. Thank you, she mouthed.

  I nodded and continued my speech. “I’ve been told I don’t need these meetings anymore. That I’m strong. I haven’t touched a drink in five years but I’ve thought of it. Every damn day.” My mouth watered at the mere thought of having a beer or a shot glass of the hard liquor I would always crave. “But I know I need these meetings. I also know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Embree Young.”

  My friend, Embree, waved at me, her back straightening a little more. Although she never had a drug problem or was an alcoholic, her addiction took it to a whole other level. Sex. She fucked through most of the men in this room faster than I could blink. Almost being banned from the meetings, she smooth talked her way out of it.

  Even as I thought this, she was sliding a hand up the man’s inner thigh who sat beside her. But unfortunately for her, he was married and happy. I shook my head at her antics and carried on with what I had to say. “I remember walking into a bar one day, it was so long ago I don’t even remember the name. I drank myself into a stupor, almost going home with some random guy even though I was shit faced and was left alone in an alley. Embree found me and we’ve been friends ever since.” I could never repay her for what she did for me. Yes, at times we fought like any friends would but she was still that. My friend. My thoughts travelled to Caiden and Xander. I would never have the bond with anyone like they had with each other. Even with Embree, it wasn’t the same. Maybe it was a guy thing. Maybe girls didn’t have that kind of friendship. A bromance bordering on being gay at times. I wanted that. I wanted a friend I would drop anything for. Who I would do anything for. God, I wanted Xander. “Thank you,” I bit out and left the stage, in need of some self-control over my actions. My heart raced, my blood pounding in my head.

  “Hope?” Embree called after me.

  In a quick move, I made my way to the bathroom, ignoring Embree who was now following me. Pushing into a stall, I hunched over a toilet and threw up the contents of my already empty stomach. The acidic bile burned my throat. I dry-heaved a couple more times, tears now streaming down my face.

  “Let it out,” Embree coaxed, rubbing soothing circles over my back.

  After a couple of minutes of torture on my belly, I wiped my mouth and sat back. “Shit.”

  “What’s going on?” she asked, leaning against the stall wall.

  I shook my head. “I have no idea. I was thinking of my ex and then…” I waved a hand in front of me, motioning towards the toilet.

  “That bad, huh?” Her brows furrowed.

  “I don’t know what’s going on. I saw him yesterday but I didn’t speak to him. I wanted to. God, did I ever want to.” My eyes burned with unshed tears, threatening to escape and roll down my cheeks like drops of pain.

  “You should call him,” she suggested, shrugging.

  I scoffed and rose to my feet, flushing the toilet behind me. “No. I don’t think that will do anything.” If I was going to talk to him, it would be in person and like Caiden had said, not until it was time. I knew he would let me know when to show up. Caiden was an expert at reading Xander’s reactions. He had also told me Xander had fallen into the pits of a bottle a time or two. Looks like I wasn’t the only one who was messed up.

  Splashing some water on my face, I gripped the edge of the counter, taking several deep cleansing breaths.

  “I’m here for you. We’ve been friends for five years, Hope.”

  I met her gaze in the mirror. “Yeah. We have.” But I still couldn’t trust her completely. I didn’t know why. Was it me? Was there something wrong with me that I couldn’t open myself up enough to allow a person in? To love someone as a whole before destroying the happiness I had with them?

  Oh Xander. If I would have known things would turn out this way. I never would have left you. I never would have hurt you.

  I still loved him. I thought I always would. But was love enough? Would it help? After what Caiden had told me, if I came back and told Xander I loved him, he would probably laugh in my face.

  “I’m heading to the club tonight,” Embree said, fluffing her hair. She pursed her lips, smacking them a couple of times.

  “Are you sure it’s a good idea?” I asked, wondering why she came to my AA meetings with me in the first place. I always thought she wanted to get help but apparently, all she did was pick up men.

  “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.” She winked at me. “I need to go out. These meetings always make me depressed.”

  “Didn’t you have a good time with a guy yesterday?” I pointed out.

  “Yeah.” Embree’s cheeks reddened. “He was good.” She looked away, fiddling around for something in her purse.

  “Are you sure?” I prodded, grabbing her arm.

  “He was. But he wasn’t who I wanted.” Her cheeks turned pinker before she clapped her hands together and grinned. “But enough about that shit. Men suck. I should turn into a lesbian.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Women can be just as bad. Doesn’t matter the gender.”

  “True.” She frowned. “Well…I’ll have to get drunk and then I won’t remember the person anyways.”

  My chest tightened and I grabbed my bag. “Have fun.”

  “Hope. Shit. I’m so sorry.” She pulled me in for a hug, stopping me from running away. “Please forgive me.”

  “I don’t know why but I will.” I sighed, hugging her back.

  She laughed and kissed my cheek. “Here’s the keys. Don’t wait up for me.” She whistled a tune to herself and left the bathroom, leaving me alone.

  Lord, give me strength. Embree and I had moved in together a year after she started bringing me to the meetings. She was a friend but she wasn’t enough. She wasn’t what I needed. The walls closed around me, squeezing me in a vice like grip. If only I could figure out how to push them away, or how I could stop them from suffocating me.

  Xander.

  Xander

  “XANDER BRANT, you are being charged with the possession of an illegal substance which almost burnt down an apartment building.”

  “It wasn’t that bad,” I wheezed, lifting the oxygen mask off of my face.

  The officer met my gaze, raised an eyebrow at my remark and continued. “The owner of the building threatened to sue when your friend stepped in.”

  I glanced at Caiden before looking down at my feet. Guilt and shame swam through the pits of my gut, no doubt eating away at my soul. Utter despair shook me to the core over the fact I burnt our home. Caiden’s home. He had lived there before me, taking me in when my parents passed away. I had told him I was fine on my own but the fucker knew me better than I knew myself. I told myself I had moved in to make rent cheaper for both of us but I knew that wasn’t true.
I didn’t want to be alone. Not ever.

  Who knew when the apartment would be repaired. Not like the building manager would have me living there anytime soon.

  The police officer talked on and on about morals and drugs, giving me a speech about how they’re bad, not for me but for everyone around me. Blah. Blah. Blah.

  “Do you have a place to go?” the cop asked when I hopped off the back of the ambulance.

  “He does,” Caiden answered for me.

  My head whipped around. “I do?”

  “Good.” The officer nodded. “We’ll be in touch. And Xander?”

  My gaze slid from Caid’s to the cop.

  “You have a good friend there. I’d remember that the next time you take another hit.”

  The nerves in my body jumped but I mumbled a “yup” before I started walking towards Caiden’s car.

  “Bags are in the back seat,” he said, clicking the key fob. The alarm chimed on his black SUV, the sound of the locks clicking free, jarring through my thoughts.

  “Thank you for—”

  “I don’t want to hear it, Xander. Get in the car.”

  My chest ached at the bite in Caiden’s tone and as much as I wanted to beg for him to forgive me, I couldn’t. It wasn’t how I was wired. Since losing my parents to a freak accident so many years before, I lost a part of myself along with them. I should have died in that car crash. I should have been the one to go, not them. They were so much better than me. Better people. Caring. Loving. They worshipped the ground the other walked on. I thought I had that with Hope. She was my savior while I mourned the loss of both my mom and dad. But when her parents took her away from me, I blamed her.

  “Xander, I’m moving.”

  “Moving? Where?” I asked, brushing my thumb along the heart shaped lips of Hope’s mouth.

  “To Seattle.” She sat up, ringing her hands in her lap.

  “Seattle? That’s miles away,” I cried. “I’ll never see you.”

  “I know.” She took a breath. “That’s why I’m breaking up with you.”

  “What!” I turned her towards me. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”